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A police officer, who was hoping to catch someone drunk, waited outside a bar. Now most bars close at midnight, so he parked himself right around the bar and waited for someone to come out drunk and try to drive.

 

Sure enough, at 11:45pm, a man came stumbling out of the bar. It took him five minutes to get to his car and another five to turn the car on. The police officer sensed victory and let the man start driving.

 

He pulled the man over only 50 feet away from the tavern.

 

He walked up to the man and said, "I just saw you come out of that bar and you were pretty loaded."

 

"Daknguifshregjdgfnfdjgn," said the drunk man.

 

"How many beers did you have?" asked the police officer.

 

"Anoout fiften," said the man.

 

"FIFTEEN! And you're trying to drive?!? You will get life for this," said the officer.

 

"Hop out of the car. I am going to run some tests on you," said the officer.

 

The man hopped out of his car with perfect grace, he smiled and stood on one foot, hopped up and down and said his ABCs fowards and backwards. The police officer didn't get it.

 

"Okay, let me smell your breath," said the officer.

 

"Sure," said the man.

 

He exhaled right into the officers nose and the officers smelled no beer on his breath.

 

"Well, I guess I am gonna have to let you go, but why did you stumble out of the bar so drunk?"

 

"Oh, I'm the DD," said the man.

 

"A designated driver?"

 

"No, a designated decoy," said the man.

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A man walks into a bar. The bartender says to the guy, "What can I get you?" "Make it a whiskey," says the man, who promptly throws it down in one gulp.

 

"That'll be three dollars," says the bartender.

 

"Screw you!" says the man. "You offered to get me something. I thought you were paying."

 

"Get out," says the bartender. "You're banned. I don't need your crap."

 

Two years later, the same man walks into the same bar with the same bartender.

 

The bartender looks at him and says, "You're the jerk who tried to con a drink out of me, aren't you?"

 

"Excuse me, but I have no idea what you're talking about," says the customer. "I've never been to this bar before in my life!"

 

"Sorry. My mistake," says the bartender. "You must have a double."

 

"Hey thanks, dude!" says the customer. "Make it whiskey."

 

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An octopus walks into a bar and says "I can play any musical instrument you like".

 

An Englishman gives it a guitar, which it plays better than Jimi Hendrix.

 

An Irishman gives it a piano, which it plays better than Elton John.

 

A Scotsman throws it a set of bagpipes.

 

The octopus fumbles about for a few minutes without a sound from the bagpipes and the Scotsman asks, "Whit's wrong, can ye no play it?"

 

The Octopus replies, "Play it? I'm going to fuck her brains out just as soon as I get her pyjamas off."

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I don't usually like these heartwarming stories, but this one is truly interesting...

 

 

 

 

 

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

 

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--- At dawn the telephone rings:

 

"Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto the caretaker

at your country house."

 

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there

a problem?"

 

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor

Rod,that your parrot died.

 

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the international competition?"

 

"Si, Senor,that's the one."

 

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune

on that bird. What did he die from?"

 

"From eating rotten meat, Senor Rod"

 

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten

meat?"

 

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead

horse."

 

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

 

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

 

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

 

"Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work

pulling the water cart."

 

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

 

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"

 

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about,

man?"

 

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and

the curtains caught on fire"

 

"What the hell??....Are you saying that my

mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!!

 

"Yes Senor Rod."

 

"But there's electricity at the house!!! What

was the candle for?"

 

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

 

" WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"

 

"Your wife's, Senor Rod... She showed up one

night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike

Driver."

 

SILENCE...................

LONG SILENCE...............

 

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!! "

 

 

 

 

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An American gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to an Indian. He immediately turns to the Indian and makes his move.

 

"You know", says the American to the Indian, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger. So let's talk."

 

The Indian, who had just opened his book, closes it slowly and says to the American guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

 

"Oh, I don't know", says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?"

 

"OK", says the Indian. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

 

The American guy is dumfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

 

"So tell me", says the Indian, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

 

 

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Am 85 year old man was requested by his doctor to have a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

 

The next day the 85 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

 

The doctor asked why he handn't provided a semen sample and the old man replied, "Well doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezing it beteen her knees, but still nothing."

 

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour to help?"

 

The old man replied, "Yep, and still we couldn't get the jar open."

 

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