Jump to content


Any New Jokes


  • Please log in to reply
3694 replies to this topic

#21 Mentors

Mentors

    geng thuk wan

  • Board Sponsors
  • 10530 posts

Posted 18 April 2007 - 13:56

Quote

Not sure what's worse.........the grammer or the joke. :shakehead

i advise, it's my grammer :(  :dunno:  because
i fallen under the table with laughter when i heard this joke last weekend.
hmh, not shure, did i about the joke or the beer?  :hmmm:




#22 teddy

teddy

    addict

  • Board Sponsors
  • 3584 posts

Posted 18 April 2007 - 14:11

A husky biker stopped by the local Harley shop to have his bike fixed.

They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil.

He also stopped by the feed store and livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane.

I would walk you home but I can't carry all this stuff."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he said "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in
the alley you won't hold me up against the wall and have your way with me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up
against the wall and do that?"

The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens !!!

Free love on the free love highway, she's goooonnnnnne

#23 MooNoi

MooNoi

    Cute Little Piggy

  • Board Sponsors
  • 7041 posts

Posted 18 April 2007 - 19:18

[quote name=Mentors][quote=bust]Not sure what's worse.........the grammer or the joke. :shakehead [/quote]

i advise, it's my grammer :(  :dunno:  because
i fallen under the table with laughter when i heard this joke last weekend.
hmh, not shure, did i about the joke or the beer?  :hmmm: [/quote]

WTF???  :confused:
C'mon Mentors!! Get it together!!

You speak English or not??  :crazy:

[/quote]

I spend most of my money on beer and bargirls. The rest of it, I just waste.

#24 Mekong

Mekong

    City Slicker

  • Board Sponsors
  • 10676 posts

Posted 18 April 2007 - 19:26

A contractor dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates.  A brass band is playing, the Angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.  

Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over,apologizes for not greeting him personally at the pearly gates, shakes his hand and says 'Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you!

Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the contractor sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says 'Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive.'

'Congratulations for what?' says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. 'We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!'

The contractor is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth agape. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says 'Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty.'

'That's simply impossible son,' says Saint Peter.  'We've added up your time sheets.'

風 Swift as the wind
林 Quiet as the forest
火 Conquer like the fire
山 Steady as the mountain

#25 Flashermac

Flashermac

    Curmudgeon

  • Board Sponsors
  • 54664 posts

Posted 19 April 2007 - 04:51

A lot of folks can't understand how the US came to have an oil shortage. Well, there's a very simple answer.

Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical.

Our OIL is located in:

- Alaska

- California

- Coastal Florida

- Coastal Louisiana

- Kansas

- Oklahoma

- Pennsylvania

- and Texas.

Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington,DC. :(




#26 The_Munchmaster

The_Munchmaster

    Fat Cunt

  • Board Sponsors
  • 12231 posts
  • LocationBonnie Scotland at the moment

Posted 19 April 2007 - 09:01

Quote

......The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket,....
It would have to have been a really big bucket or a very small goose (perhaps a graham gosling) for that to have happened? :confused:
"Guess that I was born to be a rover.
Guess I've always been a rolling stone.
But someday when my rolling days are over.
I will find a place to call my own.
'Cause even the lone stars they get lonesome.
Lonesome as the lost ship on the sea.
Even the lone stars they get lonesome.
Lonesome for a lone star man like me."

#27 zob65

zob65

    member

  • Members
  • 473 posts

Posted 19 April 2007 - 11:19

Munchie went to a fancy dress party just in his pants no shirt etc. The host asked didnt you want to dress up? I did replied Munchie. What are you then asked the host? Im a premature ejaculation beamed Munchie. I dont get it said the host.

I just came in my pants replied Munchie!

#28 The_Munchmaster

The_Munchmaster

    Fat Cunt

  • Board Sponsors
  • 12231 posts
  • LocationBonnie Scotland at the moment

Posted 19 April 2007 - 12:02

What's going on here Zob? You joined Teddy in his current Munchie baiting phase? :mad:
"Guess that I was born to be a rover.
Guess I've always been a rolling stone.
But someday when my rolling days are over.
I will find a place to call my own.
'Cause even the lone stars they get lonesome.
Lonesome as the lost ship on the sea.
Even the lone stars they get lonesome.
Lonesome for a lone star man like me."

#29 soiarrai

soiarrai

    member

  • Board Sponsors
  • 302 posts

Posted 19 April 2007 - 12:41

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too closely and completely tore off the door on the driver's side.

The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically that his Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Oh Fuck!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"

I wasn't born to do this, it's just something I have to do

#30 zob65

zob65

    member

  • Members
  • 473 posts

Posted 20 April 2007 - 10:57

Well Munchie you are getting a bit tame lately so I thought I would wind you up a bit. maybe its just age, your getting on bit you know!




0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users