zob65 Posted March 4, 2008 Report Share Posted March 4, 2008 Chapter 12 Mc Tavish Goes to the Bush Laph awoke first with long black hair strewn over his face and tickling his nose. He extracted his arm from under Yid, and removed Moos leg, which was draped across his thigh. Laph looked at his watch. â??Shiiiiitttt!!â?Â, as he lept up out of bed rolling Moo onto the floor in the process. â??Arai na!â? (what) groaned Moo. â??Its bloody 10 oâ??clockâ? exclaimed Laph, running around the room. Laph showered and shaved quickly cutting himself in various places. He placed small bits of toilet paper on the effected areas to stop the bleeding. He came out of the bathroom with a rush, waving his arms about and telling the girls to get up and get dressed. â??Aeiiii! phii phiiâ? (ghost ghost) screamed Moo pulling the covers over her head. â??Aye what you on aboutâ?Â, Laph said standing in his white Y fronts resembling someone suffering from a horrible plague. â??Oh theseâ?Â, removing one of the tissues from his face. Moo and Yid peeked out from under the sheets. â??Oyi tok jaiâ? (frightened) said Yid holding her chest. Both girls hurried into the bathroom and showered. â??Iâ??m telling you Yid these farangâ??s are strange, whatâ??s with the tissues on the face all the timeâ?Â, asked Moo. â??Jai yen yen (have a cool heart), wait until he opens his wallet and we will see if he has jai dee (good heart). I have been with a farang who talks like this one, from Scotland I thinkâ?Â. They can be cheap charlieâ??s, Iâ??m telling you Mooâ?Â. â??Well lets get our stories ready if he is going to be a sticky shit. You tell him Yid about your sick buffalo on the farm and how granny has to carry it on her back to the field each day for it to eat grass.â? â??Ok you tell him about your Phaw (father) who have only one leg after the motorcycle accident and having to hop around the paddy planting rice.â? â??Thatâ??s a bit too much kho hokâ? (lies) said Moo. â??Why itâ??s true he only has one leg!â? â??But he doesnâ??t hop around the rice paddy, he sits inside drinking lao kao (rice whiskey) while Mae (mother) and Pi Saao (older sister) work the paddyâ? explained Moo. â??What about Pi Chaai (older brother)?â? â??Well what do you think, like your Pi Chaai in Korat gambling, until he wants more money, then he comes homeâ?Â. â??I know what you mean, my older bothers always come home when I send money, Iâ??m sure they can smell it from a hundred miles away!â? They both dressed and came out into the bedroom. Laph was dressed ready for work. â?? Knun Law jang loiâ? (you are handsome) said Moo. â??Aye what was thatâ?Â, asked Laph. â??You handsome manâ?Â, explained Yid really sucking up. Laph blushed and fumbled with his wallet. He gave the girls 2,000 Baht each, wondering whether it would be enough after the all night of bliss. â??Kop khun karâ?Â, both girls said giving a deep wai, relieved they didnâ??t have to relate their stories. Laph walked with the girls down stairs and out onto Soi 22, and said goodbye . The girls waied him again and both got on one motorcycle and sped off down the soi towards Sukhumvit. â??Yippee! 2,000 Bahtâ? yelled Moo above the wind noise into Yids ear. â??Lets pai kin kaoâ? (go eat)Yid replied. â??Iâ??m not going to work tonight, remember Knun Doug say no bar fine for Knun Laph. So we can get another day out of this.â? â??What if Knun Laph goes to Tonka tonight, then we will be in trouble.â? â??I heard him talk with that ba (crazy) Australian , they are going to meet at Soi 33.â? â??No problem then, lets go to our room after eating and sleep. Then tonight we will go to RCA centre for Karaoke and disco!â? Their hair streamed behind and voices faded out as they sped down Sukhumvit. Laph walked down Soi 33 to work, dodging all the food venders as the smells made him hungry. He didnâ??t stop to buy as he was late, it was now 11 oâ??clock, and even if he did stop he would not know how or what to order. Laph quietly enter the office. Lek the secretary looked up, â??Good morning Khun Laphâ?Â, she said in a voice loud enough for Don to hear in his office. Laph gingerly sat at his desk and prepared to work. Don emerged from his office and walked over to Laphs desk. â??Well if it isnâ??t the afternoon shiftâ?Â. â??Iâ??m sorry Don I slept in, I will make up for it this afternoonâ?Â. â??Donâ??t make habit of it, you can fall into a rut here in Thailand as an expat. I need you to help me with a few estimates on the Sheraton, then we have to go to lunch to meet Steve.â? Laph and Don finalized the figures on the Sukhumvit Sheraton and went to lunch at Lâ?? Opera. Laph wondered how anyone got any work done here. He was in the shit for coming late but they still went to have a three hour lunch! At lunch Don explained that he wanted Steve and Laph to work on a project in Korat this week. Laph explained that he had to go to a wedding in Surin at the weekend. â??That will work in fine for you McTavish. Surin is not too far away from Korat. After youâ??ve finished you and Steve can go to Dougâ??s wedding.â? â??I wasnâ??t going to be bothered, tromping around the rice paddyâ??s at a Thai wedding is not my cup of teaâ?Â, signed Steve. â??I didnâ??t know you knew Dougâ?Â, asked Laph â??Aye worst luck I do.â? â??Well ya better go to look after Laph hereâ?Â, Don said, slapping Laph on the back. This was like giving the arsonist the fire chiefs job! â??I will pick you up in the morning at Liberty around about 10â?Â, explained Steve. They finished their lunch accompanied by four bottles of a Chilean red wine. Steve suggested they go for a massage around the corner before the Soi 33 bars open. â??Iâ??ll pass and meet you at the Renoir, you and Laph go. I have things to doâ?Â, said Don Steve and Laph walked to Dreams Massage, a small shop house that resembled a barber shop with a red and white striped pole outside. â??Listen Steve, I donâ??t want to get shagged again, I been at it all night.â? â??Aye ya filthy devilâ?Â, grinned Steve â??Donâ??t get me wrong I could do with a massage and a wee bit of interference, but I will give the shagging a miss.â? â??Donâ??t worry this is a proper massage joint thereâ??s no shaggingâ?Â, explained Steve as they walked in. â?? You want one hour or two hourâ?Â, asked the receptionist. â?? Just one hour will do fineâ?Â, said Steve. They were led upstairs to a room partitioned off into many booths with curtains as doors. There were two mattresses on the floor in each room and nothing else. The girl gave Laph some sort of pajamas to put on and left the room. Laph tried to fit the top on but it only came down to his naval and wouldnâ??t do up around his wide girth. The pants fitted ok as they had elastic waistbands. So there was Laph standing with a waistcoat top and baggy satin pants. Steve poked his head through the curtain. â??Fuck me, itâ??s a bloody great organ grinders monkey!â?Â, laughed Steve. Laph gave him a two fingered salute and pushed his head back out. The girl came back with towels and a glass of cold water. â??Oy pom pooeyâ? (chubby) said the massage girl patting Laph on the tummy. The girl started massaging his legs one by one. Laph let out a squeak here and there as she pressed into to his calve muscles with very strong thumbs. â??You ok McTavishâ?Â, laughed Steve from next door. â??Aye, ayeâ?Â, Laph replied with gritted teeth. The girl was now working her way up the thighs, then pressing hard in the groin, cutting off the blood, then releasing after a minute or two. This had Laph fully barred up, the girl covered her mouth as she giggled and pointed to Laphâ??s erection protruding under his pants. The massage girl thought about getting Laphâ??s plonker out and giving it a massage for a big tip, but decided it wasnâ??t a good idea as the size of it was nothing like she had seen before. They normally get only Japanese and not many others. She thought if this thing unleashed there would be mess everywhere, especially over her! Maybe he would like to do himself she thought, this would save her getting messed up. â??You want to chuckwow (wank)?â? she said pointing at Laphâ??s bulge. Laph thought this must mean she wants to finish him off. â??Yeah, sure that would be niceâ?Â, replied Laph The girl went away. Laph though it must be to get towels and oil or whatever. Twenty minutes passed and Laph was still wondering where she had got to. Then the curtain parted slightly, her head poked through but not looking at Laph. â?ÂYou finished yet!â? â?? I havenâ??t fucking started anythingâ?Â, exclaimed Laph. â??What to hell are you up to McTavishâ?Â, asked Steve â??I have no ideaâ??, Laph said getting up and putting on his clothes. Laph told Steve what occurred. Steve was still laughing as they walked into the Renoir. Don was already there sitting alone talking to Pie. Pangs of jealousy arose as Laph spotted Pie and Don. â??How was the massage Laphâ? asked Don â??Something I donâ??t wish to discussâ?Â, said Laph haughtily. â??No happy endings Knun Laph?â?Â, asked Pie with a cheeky smile on her face. â??I donâ??t know what you are taking about, I just needed a massage on my legâ?Â, Laph lied. â??Is that what you call it!â? Pie laughed. Laph wasnâ??t impressed and avoided eye contact with Pie as he drank his black soda. Gibbo was in the bar and, after he finished talking with a short spectacled man at the end of the bar, he came over. â??Gooday Laph, how was last night, canâ??t have been all that bad youâ??re still in one piece.â? â??Aye Iâ??m fine Gibbo, meet some of my work colleagues. This is Don the boss and Steve.â? â??How ya goingâ?Â, said Gibbo shaking hands. â??I gotta tell ya that bloke in the corner is about as interesting as cat shit, he has just been telling me all about elevators.â? Steve looked over Gibboâ??s shoulder. â??Aye, ya right there thatâ??s Jonathon Schindler, donâ??t ever get trapped at the bar with him. His whole life revolves around his job selling elevators.â? Laph explained to Gibbo that he had to go up country tomorrow for work and would be back the following Monday. Gibbo stated that he would be traveling back to Australia on Friday and would keep in touch. Don left and Steve decided it would be a good idea to go next door to Vincents. They all paid up and wandered to the bar next door. Steve ordered up the drinks and suggested one bill. This was Steveâ??s favorite ploy as he could buy ladies drinks and share the cost with Laph and Gibbo. Steve ordered up four ladies drinks and insisted on all girls having a Heineken. The girls all had one sip and left the bottles on the bar. All they were interested in was the 30 baht commission. Steve decided to pay the bar for one girl. He placed a 1,000 Baht bill in the bill cup and said â??Iâ??ll see you tomorrow Laph and Gibbo, I will catch you next timeâ? â??No worries, see you later, we might stay for a whileâ?Â, said Gibbo, engrossed in the girl next to him. Gibbo and Laph drank on into the night, forgetting about the lights going down and the prices going up. At midnight they decided to call it quits and head off, both were staggering around like untrained seals at this stage. The bill came back from the cashier and was presented to Laph. â??Aye what! 9500 baht!â?Â, yelled Laph. â??Gimmi a look at thatâ?Â, said Gibbo, snatching it off Laph. The bar fine for Steve was 1800 Baht, let alone the ladies drinks that he had ordered. â??I think we have been done by one of our own, but donâ??t worry I shall even up this week said Laph.â? They extracted just about all the Baht they had and left. Any more bars were out of the question , they were definitely pissed and broke! Laph and Gibbo bid each other goodnight and caught taxis home. Laph staggered up to his apartment and fell asleep on the lounge trying to watch the golf on TV with one eye closed to focus. Laph was dreaming that he was up a tree in Scotland and Agnes McWhirter was trying to chop it down. He awoke and came to his senses, it was Steve banging on the door. Laph opened up the door shielding his eyes from the sunlight and let Steve in. â??It smells like a brewery in here McTavish, hurry up and get dressed its 10.30 alreadyâ?Â. â??Ok, ok, let me showerâ?Â, said Laph as he staggered off to the bathroom. Steve checked out the apartment, opening the fridge door, there was one small piece of hard stale cheese on the shelf. â??What the fuck do you eat Laph, thereâ??s nothing in the fridge.â? â??I eat at The Dubliner and get take away from the Offshore Fish and Chips shopâ?Â, yelled Laph from the bathroom. â??You will go broke or die of cholesterol if you keep that up.â? â??What was that?â??, yelled Laph. â??Ya going to end up fatterâ?Â, Steve yelled back â??Aye, ya right, I am feeling betterâ? â??Fuck me, no hopeâ?Â, Steve said with his hands on his head. Laph finished his shower, dressed and packed a small suit case, stuffing the first things he got his hands on. Steve drove down Sukhumvit to the freeway, which took nearly 40 minâ??s in the heavy traffic. Once they were on the overhead expressway things were a little smoother. That didnâ??t last long though as they exited the expressway just after Don Muang Airport and plunged deep into more heavy traffic. There were three lanes but all were full of trucks, pickups with ten people in the back and cars trying to weave their way in and out. â??I need something to eat Steve, is there a road stop up head.â? â??Yeah, good idea, I need to have a leak and we need fuel.â? They pulled into a service station, which looked more like a small shopping center than a road stop. There were food markets, coffee café, Kentucky Fried and various shops. It was hard to find the actual pumps where to fill up. They pulled up and three young attendants surrounded the car cleaning the windshield and checking the tyres etc. In Scotland its all self serve, no one would help you, even if you asked, thought Laph. They finished filling up and were given the complimentary free water and various coupons. Steve parked the car at the shop and they went inside. There was every drink know to man, one whole wall of refreshments. It took Laph sometime to find an ice coffee. Laph also made two hot dogs from the rotating display where various sausages were going round for how long no one knows. â??Ya not gunna eat that are you?â?Â, said Steve staring at Laphâ??s hot dog with sauce, mustard and onion bits. Laph just nodded as by now he had half of the first hotdog down his throat. They drove off towards Korat with Laph demolishing the second hotdog and wiping the aftermath off his shirt. They past Saraburi and were climbing up the hills. Laph thought the scenery was great except for the large bill boards which blocked his view. They came along a stretch of road that was dotted with stalls and ladies trying to flag them down. â??Whatâ??s all this aboutâ?Â, asked Laph â??Theyâ??re selling corn on the cob. You want to try some?â? Steve pulled up at one small stall with an umbrella and a large steaming pot full of hot corn cobs, tendered by an old Thai lady. Twenty baht got them two hot cobs. About 10 pence each, so cheap thought Laph, as he munched on his corn spattering Steve with corn shrapnel. â??Oy, ya right there Mc Tavishâ? said Steve as he picked bits of corn out of his hair. They continued on for another hour and entered the outskirts of Korat. It wasnâ??t like Laph had thought (a small Asian village) but a large bustling city. Steve drove to the Korat hotel, which was in the center of the city. It was small, but clean and friendly. Rooms were at the right price of 600 baht per night since they were on an daily allowance. They checked in and after a shower met down stairs. â??What about a beer Laphâ? â??Sounds ok to me where are we going to go?â? The check in clerk suggested out the back of the hotel to the karaoke bar. Steve and Laph wandered to a small bar at the rear of the hotel. The music was blaring with some Thai strangling a Lao ballad. Two Chang drafts were ordered. Steve took a long draft of his and complained to the bartendee. â??Beer mai yen â?? (beer is not cold). â??Mai mee pen haaâ? (no problem) replied the bartendee, dropping two large ice blocks in each glass. â??Jeezus! Mia ow krup, ow Heineken sawg khuat yen yenâ? (I do not want these, I want two bottles of Heineken very cold) asked Steve in his best Thai. The next beers were nice and cold. Laph was trying to get into the small bar stools that were build for Thaiâ??s. He just managed to squeeze himself in and swung around to watch the big screen with old Thai love scenes being played, as one of the customers in a darken booth crooned. â??Khit thueng waan jaiiiiiii khit thuennng!!â? (miss you darling miss you). â??Aye that fair gives ya ears a bit of a bashinâ?Â, said Laph frowning. â??Well McTavish have a go ya selfâ? â??Aye might at that Steve, I was a dab hand at a few good ole tunes, if I donâ??t mine saying myselfâ?Â. â??This is going to goodâ?Â, Steve groaned sculling his beer and deciding to order a scotch. The bar didnâ??t serve individual glasses of scotch and soda, so they purchased a bottle for 1200 baht and all the mixers were free. With Steve pouring the scotches, they were coming thick and fast. Laph was getting a fair glow up and asked for the songbook to pick out a tune. The hostess handed Laph a folder with all the western songs. He flipped through the pages as Steve tried his best at chatting up one of the hostesses in his broken Thai. â??Aye do ya have number 144â?Â, asked Laph. The hostess held her finger on number 144 and showed the DJ. They rummaged through all the discs and finally found 144, blew the dust off it and put it in the player. The mike was handed to Laph as bagpipes began to play. A video of a Chinese man in a kilt walking up a hill somewhere that barely resembled Scotland flickered on the large screen. The Thai customers in the booths began to look around to locate who put this on. â??Iâ??ll take the high rrroaddd and youâ??ll take lowww rroadd, and weâ??ll beeee in Scootland togetherrrrrrâ?Â, Laph belted out in his best voice. Girls started to cover their ears and head towards the toilet. Laph thought he was doing a grand job as he closed his eyes and went for a high note. He decided to stand up to reach his full potential but the bar stool had stuck fast. As Laph swung around to see what was happening, he clipped a Thai man over the head with the legs of the stool and knocked his â??Speyâ? whiskey bottle over the girl sitting next to him. The music had stopped for reasons unknown to Laph until he finally extracted the stool from his bum letting it clang on the floor in the icy silence. It became apparent why there was silence when he turned around and was looking down the barrel of a Smith and Wesson 38 snub nose revolver. The Thai man he had hit obviously wasnâ??t impressed with his singing thought Laph. â??Aye I could try another tune if ya donâ??t like that oneâ?Â, pleaded Laph. â??Kii nok tham araiâ?Â(shit bird what are you doing)! yelled the Thai man. Steve and the hostess managed to get the man to lower his revolver with a deep wai. â??Khaw thoht (sorry excuse me) but my friend is new hereâ?Â. â??Please have our bottleâ?Â, said Steve offering the black label. The Thai man took the bottle and sat down. The music recommenced, everyone breathed a sign of relief and one of the hostesses started to sing a Thai melody. â??Your gonna get us fucking killed if ya not careful Laph!â? They both sat down at the bar and decided to finished their drinks and leave gracefully, when the Thai man approached them. â??I promise no more singingâ?Â, exclaimed Laph putting his hands up in a surrender. â??Let me introduce myself, Iâ??m Colonel Somsak from the Korat Police, the Thai man said in near perfect English. Laph and Steve introduced themselves shyly. â??I apologize for my actions but you did scare me a little and we get so many drunken farang around here that cause trouble, the girls told me it was an accident. Can we drink this bottle together?â? They all managed to polish off the black label bottle in no time and were assisting Col. Somsak in singing a Thai song. The girls were curled up in the booths staring at the screen and silently cursing the three for not paying attention to them or more truthfully for not paying them more money. â??This bores me, lets go some where elseâ?Â, Somsak suggested. â??No problem, but we are a bit new to Korat, where would we go?â?Â, Steve asked. â??I know this place that has live band and good food, called the Buâ??le Saloonâ?Â, explained Somsak. They left the karaoke bar and drove off in the Colonelâ??s car. They managed to get to the Buâ??le Saloon unscathed except for the motorcycle that the Colonel side-swiped and never stopped to help. They ate and drank at the saloon until the band had finished and the lights were coming on. The Colonel was carried out by the waiters and the parking attendants, who seemed to know him as a regular customer, poured into the passenger seat of his Mercedes and driven home. Laph and Steve, still singing â??Hey Judeâ?Â, staggered out of the saloon. Tuk Tukâ??s jostled for position to pick up the farang. Steve was trying to get Laph in the Tuk Tuk. He tried feet first but Laph kept hitting his head and toppling out backwards. So he tried head first with a push from behind. Laph entered and exited all in one motion, ending up in an untidy pile on the other side of the Tuk Tuk. The driver took charge and fed Laph back in with Steve blocking the other side. They sped off back to the Korat Hotel with Laphâ??s and Steveâ??s appendages hanging out of the Tuk Tuk. Laph awoke, still in the previous nights clothes, showered and wandered downstairs, meeting Steve hugging a cup of coffee. â??Fucking hell that was one long sessionâ?Â, Steve groaned. â??Aye, ya telling meâ?Â, said Laph pouring out a large glass of orange juice. â??Listen McTavish, we have to get our arse into gear and get this job done, or else Dons going to kill us. What do you say we get stuck in and finish up by Thursday then travel to Surin on Friday for Dougâ??s bucks party.â? â??Aye, sounds like a grand idea, Iâ??ll be led by youâ?Â, said Laph shovelling some fried rice into his mouth. They spent all week at the factory site, putting in 12 hours a day. Drinking was reduced to a few beers at a Pizza shop run by a likeable Swede called Sven, who had jumped ship 20 years before, fell in love and stayed. Every one has a story in Thailand thought Laph. Friday they checked out and drove to Surin. Laph had rung Doug and organized to meet him at the Elephant Hotel in town. They would have few drinks in Surin and then they would follow Doug out to the village. They arrived at Petâ??s village, not far from Surin, with Doug driving like a maniac, scattering chickens and dogs alike as they pulled up at a teak house on stilts. â??Well home sweet home boysâ?Â, chuckled Doug. They met all Pets family from uncles and aunts to nieces and nephews. Even Granny had spat out her betel nut and came forward to check out the farang. â??You, you farang, oun maakâ?Â! (foreigner very fat) granny screeched poking poor ole Laph with her stick. They were shown their respective sleeping areas in the Thai house. Laph was placed down the far end above the buffalo as suggested by Granny who advised Pets mother that this farang would be snoring and farting all night. They all met out back on the veranda where numerous bottles of Santhip rum , soda water and coke were being placed there by one of the younger boys who had just been down to the shop on the family motor cycle. Laph eased himself down in the cross legged position with a few grunts and groans. Trying not to point the soles of his feet at anyone Laph was moving about trying to get a better position. â??Paw (father) whatâ??s wrong with the farang, he have mot (ant) in his pants?â? asked the young boy who fetched the drinks. â??Donâ??t worry Jing he may be having trouble getting down but wait until he tries to get up after few glasses of this!â? Yes ole Laph had a fierce thirst and thought the Santhip wasnâ??t too bad with a slice lime in to take the edge off. After a meal of laab moo kao neiow (minced pork and sticky rice) and some gai yang (barbeque chicken), Laph was stretched out leaning against the wall in a merry state. Pets Uncle arrived with a few unlabeled bottles of milky liquid. He was covered in tattoos to ward off evil spirits and smoked a large badly wrapped cigar. â??Put that womanâ??s drink away and have some of this!â?Â, Uncle Jid bellowed sounding like he had already sampled some. â??What is itâ? asked Steve. After being translated by Pet, Uncle Jid bellowed, â??What is it, What is it! You farang heathen, this is the piss of the naga serpent mixed with the sweat of the Devil! Sato (local made grappa) a mans drink!â? Laph took a large brave sip and took some time before he regained his breath. Cheers resounded all around and Laph had impressed his hosts. Even one older girl, Pets Aunty who had missed the boat in the marriage cruise was very impressed with Laph. She had put on large amounts of make up that was obtained for about 50 Baht at the local store and hoped she might snare herself a farang husband. Laph hadnâ??t got the idea as he thought she was some traveling minstrel who was going to strike up a tune soon. He indicated to Steve that he might join in with the tune if she started. Steve to avoid further trouble, quickly suggested that they might have an afternoon nap before the wedding festivities commenced, hoping this would stop Laph singing again. â??Grand ideaâ?Â, slurred Laph as he tried to get up. Laphs legs had somehow disconnected themselves from the rest of his body. Half up he toppled over scattering the dogs and nearly stampeding the buffalo. Steve and one of the family helped him to his feet and led him to his mattress on the floor. He went down on his back half on the mattress, wished his helpers â??nighty niteâ? and promptly farted and fell asleep. It wasnâ??t before too long that a loud rumble was heard, the dogs started to howl and slink off with their tails between their legs and ears pinned back and the buffalo became nervous and stamped at the ground. The young boys rushed to calm them by singing them Laos songs and blowing in their noses. â??Ok, ok, mai mee bpen ha (no problem) its only Knun Laph snoringâ?Â, said Pets father. Everyone chuckled as they continued their drinking. â??I warned you he would fart and snore, didnâ??t I, but no one would listen to me. I tell you there will be no good come of thisâ?Â, screeched Granny. â??Have another sato Granny and sit downâ?Â, said Pets mother. Granny spat out her betel nut, staining the footpath, and hobbled off towards the hong nam (wash house) shaking her head. What will come of Laphâ??s country visit, will he leave married or just with a hangover? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
limbo Posted March 4, 2008 Report Share Posted March 4, 2008 It has been a long wait but this is an excellent story with a great cliffhanger! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Munchmaster Posted March 4, 2008 Report Share Posted March 4, 2008 Good work Zob. :thumbup: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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