Bangkok Operators Manual

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NEVER PUBLISHED BUT WRITTEN BY THE MASTER WHO WILL REMAIN ANNOYMOUS. PASSED ONTO ME BY A YOUNG BRIT FRIEND AND IT MUST BE SHARED WITH THE WORLD

 

SHOULD BE PRINTED AND READ LATER OR DELETED BY KS

 

WE ARE NOT WORTHY

 

 

The Bangkok Operatorâ??s Manual

 

WHAT THEY ARE SAYING ABOUT THE BANGKOK OPERATORâ??S MANUAL

 

 

The plot is too complicated and the dialogue between characters is overwritten. Nor are we certain that being third world butt ugly fully qualifies one for British citizenship: British Embassy Press Statement

 

I should have spent a long time with this short time list before I paid my first short time: Bill Clinton

 

Finally, something on foreign relations and some other things we can read in a short time and understand even quicker: George Bush

 

Our prayers are for Little Ricky: Northwest Pakistan E-Donkey Appreciation League

 

This is great for catching up on things between short times: Fon and Motâ?? Sexotic Go-Go dancers Angel Witch Bar Nana Plaza

 

Great bathroom reading. Every toilet should have a copy next to the paper roll and the butt blaster: Howie â?? Flying Elvis Impersonator and owner/operator of the B-52 Beer Bar

 

Any comment would be superfluous. We donâ??t give a hootâ??s ass: Bangkok Post Book Review

 

Fictional adult trivia not worth the rice paper itâ??s printed on, but we love the pictures: Bangkok Mayorâ??s Office

 

I no stand: Ooey, customer service personality and some time short time, Bus Stop Beer Garden

 

The good, the bad, the ugly and the Brits in Bangkok. Chai, Khatoy Hairstylist

 

A perceptive guide to the adult Disneyland and toy store that is Bangkok. Sa, preferred customer service personality, Lolitaâ??s

 

Yeah, well we knew most of this shite didnâ??t we? Ashley disgruntled husband of Nay former Sexotic Pole Dancer.

 

CONTENTS

 

â?¢ SEX, LIES AND SHORT TIMES

â?¢ BANGKOK IS WHERE

â?¢ IMPORTANT POINTS IF YOU THINK YOUâ??RE SPEAKING ENGLISH WITH THAI BAR YINGS

â?¢ IN BANGKOK

â?¢ WHEN TO PAY THE BAR FINE

â?¢ BANGKOK QUOTES

â?¢ TEN REASONS PEOPLE SUBSCRIBE TO THE BANGKOK POST

â?¢ SOMETHINGS BANGKOK MUST TO HAVE

â?¢ AMAZING SIGHTS IN BANGKOK TO AVOID

â?¢ TEN REALLY FAST THINGS IN BANGKOK

â?¢ THE LAST WORDS OF INCREDIBLY STUPID FARANGS

â?¢ THAI POONTANG

â?¢ BANGKOK FISH BOWLING TIPS

â?¢ KHATOYS â?? R â?? US

â?¢ BANGKOK PASSPORT QUIZ

â?¢ WHY SOI DOGS MAKE BETTER HOUSE PETS THAN THAI YINGS

â?¢ TEN REASONS TO RIDE THE BANGKOK SKY TRAIN

â?¢ BANGKOK ALPHABET

â?¢ ASIA BOOK LIST

â?¢ PAYDAY AT THE ATM

â?¢ THE BUM GUARD MEDICAL TEAM

â?¢ WHEN TO DUMP TILAC

â?¢ THE FRONT HALF OF THE BANGKOK MASSAGE ALPHABET

â?¢ YOUâ??VE PAID A SCREAMERâ??S BAR FINE

â?¢ MORE REASONS SOI DOGS MAKE BETTER HOUSE PETS THAN THAI YINGS

â?¢ WARNING SIGNS YOUâ??VE BEEN TEACHING ENGLISH IN BANGKOK FOR TOO LONG

â?¢ TUK-TUK JOKES

â?¢ THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS IT TOOK ME A COUPLE OF DOZEN BAD BANGKOK BAR FINES TO LEARN

â?¢ THAI LBFM SAFETY FACT SHEET

â?¢ BOOM BOOM SLOGANS

â?¢ TIPS FOR SAS BARS

â?¢ BANGKOK VD

â?¢ ACCOUNTABILITY

â?¢ THE BACK HALF OF THE BANGKOK MASSAGE ALPHABET

â?¢ DOCTOR BANGKOK

â?¢ BANGKOK VACATION CHECKLIST

â?¢ WHY THAI BEER IS BETTER THAN THAI A BAR FINE

â?¢ YOUâ??RE IN A SLEAZY ASIAN HOLE-IN-THE-WALL BAR

â?¢ BANGKOK GO-GO BAR ENGLISH

â?¢ MORE BANGKOK FISH BOWLING TIPS

â?¢ WHY A THAI BAR FINE IS BETTER THAN A THAI BEER

â?¢ THE SHORT LIST OF GREAT BAR FINE BOOKS

â?¢ YOU HAVE A THAI SMOKER

â?¢ BANGKOK GO-GO YING JOKES

â?¢ THE BANGKOK KAMA SUTRA

â?¢ WHY A FAT BAR FINE IS BETTER

â?¢ TIPS FOR USING LBFMs

â?¢ LOLITAâ??S

â?¢ A DOZEN SIGNS OF A BAD BANGKOK BAR FINE

â?¢ THE LBFM TIME LINE

â?¢ SUPER SPA SPECIALS

â?¢ SHAVING TIPS FOR ISAN BAR BEAVERS

â?¢ ISAN BULLSHIT FORMULA

â?¢ TIPS FOR LIP LOCKING LBFMs

â?¢ LBFM DRINK CLUES

â?¢ WHY THAI YINGS MAKE BETTER HOUSE PETS THAN SOI DOGS

â?¢ FARANG SHORT TIME RIGHTS

â?¢ THE LBFM CUSTOMER PLEDGE

â?¢ A BAD BAR FINE

â?¢ SHORT TIME CALORIE GUIDE

â?¢ MORE TIPS FOR SAS BARS

â?¢ BANGKOK HANGOVER SCALE

â?¢ SMOKING LIES

â?¢ GO-GO YING COSTUMES

â?¢ BAR FINE CLICHES

â?¢ WHY YINGS WORK IN GO-GO BARS

â?¢ ITâ??S A BAD DAY IN BANGKOK

â?¢ WHAT YINGS ARE THINKING DURING SHORT TIMES

â?¢ LBFM QUALITY CONTROL

â?¢ THE BANGKOK DO LIST

â?¢ BANGKOK ADVISOR

â?¢ WHY MEN PAY BAR FINES

â?¢ THE SHORT TIME ALPHABET

â?¢ THINGS U LIKE TO HEAR

â?¢ WHAT COULD BE WORSE

â?¢ TWEEZE OR SHAVE

â?¢ BAR FINES AND ELEPHANTS

â?¢ BANGKOK BAR BRAGGING

â?¢ HOW UGLY IS THIRD WORLD BUTT UGLY

â?¢ BANGKOK CLICHES

â?¢ FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

 

SEX, LIES AND SHORT TIMES

 

In Bangkok the term â??short timeâ?? refers to several things. It can be the amount of time you spend doing something, such as spending some time with your Tilac. Time spent with a Tilac or waiting on her to arrive somewhere should always be a short time. A short time might also be the several hours you spend in a traffic jam on Sukhumvit Road, which can be a waste of time unless you have a short time in the car.

 

The term short time can also refer to the fee you paid a Mammasan in a Go-Go bar so an LBFM can share some time with you outside of her bar or in the back of a taxi in a traffic jam on Sukhumvit Road. A short time can also refer to the amount of time you spend in a fish bowl getting a massage. One of the most common uses of the term short time in Bangkok is to describe the type of massage and special services an LBFM maybe providing you. A more accurate term for this might be the Indonesian expression â??Rubber Time.â??

 

In Bangkok the term short time can also be a reference to the LBFM herself. â??Who is that Ying on stage waving at you?â?? â??Oh, sheâ??s an old short time from the Rainbow Bar in Nana Plaza.â?? Short time might also refer to the type of hotel or room where you maybe entertaining the LBFM. For example the Playboy is a good short time hotel and several bars have short time rooms available.

 

With all of these possibilities itâ??s easy to see how a short time could become a complicated concept in Bangkok. Fortunately itâ??s not. In Bangkok you are rarely dealing with complicated people or situations when it comes to short times. â??No money, no honey.â??

 

The purpose of this collection of short lists is to make all the various forms of â??Sex, Lies and Short Timesâ?? even less complicated and as convenient as they are suppose to be for the male Farang visitor and resident in Bangkok. It will also give you something to read while your short time is in the shower getting ready to give you a short time.

 

BANGKOK IS WHERE

 

A twenty year old bar fine might be too old.

 

Viagra is a breath mint and miniskirts are always in season.

 

Go-Go music is the city theme song and a bikini top, thong and boots are classified as a traditional village costume.

 

You can pay two bar fines for the night and their combined ages should be less than yours.

 

Black and white school girl uniforms are tailored and worn for their sex appeal.

 

The one, two, three or more Yings you think you could make love to for the rest of your life or just for the night are sitting at Thermaes waiting for you to make an offer.

 

You come if you canâ??t cum with somebody else anyplace else.

 

Balloon darts get serious.

 

Being middle aged, pot bellied and balding doesnâ??t mean a thing if a girl can get into a bikini, some high heels and up on the dance stage.

 

There is more weird shit sitting outside the boys locker room in high heels, Go-Go costumes and makeup in the corner on the second floor of the Nana Plaza than will ever be found in a WMD or medical lab in Iraq.

 

Short times are a 24 hour convenience item.

 

The last guy found her, got fed up with her shit and dumped her.

 

IMPORTANT POINTS IF YOU THINK YOUâ??RE SPEAKING ENGLISH WITH THAI BAR YINGS

 

U is not a vowel sound in Bamboo English. It is a pronoun. Such as â??I no blow job U stand.â?? â??What U name?â?? â??U no busy me.â?? or â??U pay bar?â??

 

Gesturing, pointing and yelling at them doesnâ??t improve their listening comprehension or understanding, in fact it makes it worse.

 

Thai Bar Yings comprehend everything a lot better with another 500 baht.

 

â??Yesâ?? may mean yes but probably means â??I no stand why U talk me?â??

 

â??Help Meâ?? is a banking and financial expression meaning â??U must to pay more.â??

 

Never ask them what they like, what they want, or where they want to go. They donâ??t f**king know.

 

Never listen to them if they try to tell you what they like, what they want or where they want to go. It means they have figured out â??Uâ?? maybe dumber than they â??Râ??.

 

The phrase â??My friendâ?? can mean any God damn thing. Her lesbian partner, her mother, her kid, her husband, her tuk-tuk driver, her period etc.

 

The only thing dumber than trying to arrange a specific meeting with one of them is showing up on the agreed time, date and location thinking she might be there or anywhere close. See â??My Friendâ?? above.

 

If youâ??re speaking English to her and sheâ??s shaking her head up and down it doesnâ??t mean shit. Youâ??re wasting your breath and sheâ??s signaling you â??I know U speak me but I no stand. When U pay bar?â??

IN BANGKOK

 

 

If you donâ??t need to check your scrogger every morning for cuts, bruises, radical changes in itâ??s color, diving bends, strange smells, tattoos, graffiti, or Red Burmese Worm holes youâ??re wasting a lot of opportunity here.

 

Ugly only matters with a Ying if costs extra.

 

Itâ??s her job to bring the condom, open it, roll it on, check the adjustment, roll it off and dispose of it properly. All you have to do is try and fill it. She canâ??t do everything.

 

A hand job in Soi Cowboy is called a cow hand.

 

You can give praise, make suggestions and compare and contrast her strengths and weakness during a short time with those skills in her mom, sisters and best friends.

 

After the short time you donâ??t have to give her a ride home or back to the bar.

 

Age matters â?? Hers!

 

Old men can be f**king teenagers again.

 

Itâ??s not who youâ??re sleeping with, what part of Isan sheâ??s from or what amazing things she can do for you that count. Its how much youâ??re paying her compared to what the last guy paid and how much the next guy is going to pay.

 

You can make the same mistake with every bar fine or every other bar fine, Up-2-U.

 

There are no keepers.

 

Travel insurance is paying two bar fines.

 

WHEN TO PAY THE BAR FINE

 

If she comes off stage to reclaim the panties she threw on your face and they smelled so good you chewed a hole in them, pay the bar fine.

 

If she comes off stage and tells you she needs something to play with for the rest of the night and pulls on your scrogger, pay the bar fine.

 

If she comes off stage and shows you she can pull two whole limes at once into her mouth without using her hands, pay the bar fine.

 

If she comes off stage takes off her bra and asks you to wipe her smooth brown mangos clean with a cold wash cloth until their stems are stiff, pay the bar fine.

 

If she comes off stage and leads you into the bathroom to hold your lizard, shakes it while you piss and tongue rotors your ear, pay the bar fine.

 

If she comes off stage and shows you she can open and pull a condom over the bottom of a beer bottle without using her hands, pay the bar fine.

 

If she comes off stage and asks you to fan her rice canoe to cool it down and you notice its still pumping and keeping time with the music, pay the bar fine.

 

If she comes off stage and asks you to take her two girlfriends home and make love with them until she can join you later, pay the bar fine.

 

If she comes off stage and sits with you after loading and aiming her vaginal dart mortar tube with her feet, hitting every balloon and killing three with one shot, pay the bar fine.

 

If she comes off stage and sits down with her twin sister and asks you to come home with them to help practice a lesbian act for their 18th birthday party, pay the bar fine.

 

BANGKOK QUOTES

 

You'd be amazed how many bar girls suddenly get the idea to run off with your wallet once they've got you wrapped in cling film and chained to the bed.

 

If you scrogg a khatoy it will take you nine months to come to grips with it and another six months to admit it to anybody unless you go back the next night, then its down hill.

 

So far this year I have provided differing amounts of food, shelter, gold, jewelry and cash in exchange for sex to 72 bar fines, two college students and one Khatoy. What have you done to help the locals?

 

NGO isnâ??t that the Native Girls Only club on Soi 33?

 

The darker ones from Isan are the really evil nasty ones that want to be punished. And the darker and nastier they are the more I love them.

 

Take two sisters both dancing in the Tilac bar. Say one is twenty eight and she started dancing when she was twenty. Letâ??s say her sister is twenty and she just started dancing this year. I would guess the short time mileage gap between them will be cut in half by the end of year.

 

For me the deciding factor when paying any Yingâ??s bar fine is her tits. I want them to be the same size. I want them hanging just right and I especially want the nipples to be level.

 

The amazing thing about DNA is the difference one or two drops can make. I mean look at that Ying up there in black straps and thong sliding down the pole. She is separated from an Orangutan by a drip of DNA.

 

You see that traffic jam out there on Sukhumvit Road every night? Thatâ??s what will happen to the Go-Go bar business if they legalize prostitution in this country.

 

TEN REASONS PEOPLE SUBSCRIBE TO THE BANGKOK POST

 

They donâ??t have cable or a satellite dish in their hooch, short time room or condominium.

 

A fresh copy next to the toilet or squat is a thoughtful gesture for clients and sleepovers that may need to roll one up to swat flies or battle chin chokes while on the squat.

 

Per page it has fewer wood splinters than most sheets of Thai toilet paper.

 

The Bangkok Post prints the best assortment of unpronounceable Thai names. For example: Nondhanada Sirivadhanabkakdi, and who knows if thatâ??s spelt right or not.

 

Rolled into the shape of a maxi pad they make excellent sponges for soaking up water from the inside of wet running shoes and the wet spots in Ying bras and panties.

 

When properly spread out they provide an excellent moisture proof ground covering and a UV sun block shield for tuk-tuk drivers during their mid day siestas.

 

The full page classified ads for 10,000 baht a month jobs with different paragraphs describing the company, job responsibilities, qualifications, experience and how to apply with CV, salary history, 8x10 portrait and ten references are priceless.

 

Yesterdayâ??s Bangkok Post gives a sense of authenticity to food ordered for take out at road side stalls and they are a culturally acceptable medium for wrapping Isan garbage (rotten som tam, chicken bones and sticky rice balls) for storage as leftovers or disposal.

 

When wadded up after 10 minutes of reading the latest edition becomes an ISO 90001 qualified odor absorbent material for packaging sliced durians or use as a maxi pad.

 

When properly rolled up and tied at the ends the current editions make great Soi dog potty training aids and intimate personal discipline tools for bar fines and Tilacs.

 

SOMETHINGS BANGKOK MUST TO HAVE

 

More ladies drinks and higher bar fines.

 

More motorcycles.

 

Another 2,000 sidewalk security guards with whistles and more policeman watching the traffic pile up.

 

Another Indian Tailor with two brothers, five sons and six cousins on Sukhumvit.

 

Another mobile phone company advertising another sale.

 

Daily Night Owl reports in the Bangkok Post.

 

Another hundred or so abandoned high rise construction sites.

 

Some more English language schools, foot massage parlors and Starbucks coffee stations.

 

Another 100 sidewalk merchants in Pat Pong and on Sukhumvit between Soi Nana and Soi Cowboy selling the same stuff.

 

More Rolex watch salesmen in Soi Cowboy after the sun goes down.

 

More Farangs trying to walk down the sidewalks interfering with the shopping tables, two way motorcycle traffic flow and disturbing the sleeping dogs.

 

Some uglier dogs and more banned elephants.

 

Some more Vietnamese LBFMs standing around the noodle stands on Sukhumvit at night and lurking in the shadows in Thermaes.

 

AMAZING SIGHTS IN BANGKOK TO AVOID

 

A large red stain on the sheets in the morning near the spot in bed you vaguely recall having performed oral sex on a screaming bar fine the night before.

 

Eight large African women with drum sets, caged stray dogs, strings of live f**k you lizards and cooking pots moving into the apartment next door the day after you signed a one year lease.

 

Your name, picture, address, telephone number, and sexual position preferences in the Nite Owl Column.

 

Your favorite bar fines name, picture, address, telephone number, preferred and negotiable sexual acts in the Nite Owl Column.

 

A 250 lb. Go-Go Yings forty-five year old rear end and 10 lbs nipples hanging out of a bikini on stage in the Nana Entertainment Plaza just above your Mekong Coke.

 

A ladies drink for that same 250 lb. Go-Go Ying sitting next to your Mekong Coke.

 

The 81 used Japanese tourist visas in the passport of your favorite 18 year old bar fine.

 

Thick black morning chin and ear hair sprouting out on the Ying sleeping next to you.

 

Your bar fine coming out of the takeout changing room fitting a 10 lb. set of steel braces over her buck teeth and shoving a large box of super absorbent maxi-pads in her combat purse.

 

Last nights Soi Cowboy and Nana Entertainment Plaza Polaroid pictures of somebody wearing a large grin and your clothes, sitting with your friends with God knows who or what on his lap at a table covered in beer bottles, ladies drinks and paid bar fines.

TEN REALLY FAST THINGS IN BANGKOK

 

A 100 baht ladies drink. Empty almost before it arrives.

 

A 1,000 baht bar fine. Pay one of these and the Ying will be on your lap in traveling costume before you put your wallet away.

 

A Go-Go Yings regenerating hymen. This is especially fast if the Mammasan is charging you a breakage fee for her to lose it again.

 

The bar bill for the disappearing ladies drinks youâ??ve been buying.

 

The unannounced arrival of your new Tilacsâ??s poor ass Isan relatives. Be prepared for weekend sleepovers and family loans.

 

The first two Japanese bar fines on Saturday night for a Nana Entertainment Plaza Go-Go Ying.

 

Ying foreplay.

 

A Nana Plaza Go-Go Ying who just finished a short time on her way out of the Nana hotel lobby one hour before the bar closes.

 

A tuk-tuk load of old Yings on their way to Thermaes for a Chris Moore autograph party.

 

The short time hotel towel a Ying can wrap around her smooth brown tits before her bra hits the floor.

 

Old Soi dogs and flower girls just before the start of any international conference or convention.

 

THE LAST WORDS OF INCREDIBLY STUPID FARANGS

 

Letâ??s take a tuk-tuk to Nana.

 

Come here girl, doggy want a bone, come on, come here you old Soi bitch.

 

Bullshit! Mekongâ??s not flammable and it mixes with anything.

 

Its okay to butterfly on the Yings in this bar and itâ??s okay to pay two bar fines at once. They really donâ??t care.

 

Yeah, I speak f**king Thai.

 

Itâ??s been a month and we all look alike to Yings anyway.

 

Oh for Christ sakes! Here watch this. Just step out there and theyâ??ll stop.

 

Slap that bitch on the ass and tell her to get her dumb rice picking Isan butt over here.

 

The Yings in the Long Gun never miss with those darts.

 

How does this electric hot water heater in the shower work?

 

Itâ??s a unisex toilet and it doesnâ??t matter. Donâ??t worry about it I donâ??t.

 

Pass me that red shit for my kowpot. God hates a coward.

 

Khrap, canâ??t this taxi go any damn faster?

 

Letâ??s get a picture with our beers and the elephant.

 

POONTANG SLANG

 

Rice Canoe Rice Cooker

 

Rice Barge Rice Steamer

 

Poke Poke Taxi Meter

 

Soi Slut East-West Runway

 

ATM Ho Chi Minh Trail

 

Soi Suzie Floating Market

 

Fortune Nookie Isan Clam

 

Thai Tuna Taco Temple of Yawn

 

Wat Twat Gook Gap

 

Squat Lid Rubber Gripper

 

No Nose Elephant Honey Klong

 

Thai Hair Way No Hair Way

 

Dong Gong Rice Paddy

 

Pat Pong Pillow Coconut Grinder

 

Beaver Klong Tuk-Tuk Tunnel

 

Gecko Crack Dirty Dark Park

 

Kowpot Goo Yingaroo

 

Prik Kee Hole Banana Cutter

 

Black Hair Taxi Sperm Roll

 

Monkey Grin Bottom Lips

 

Jungle Beaver Aussie Hat

 

Bush-n-Blair Soi Sorry

 

 

BANGKOK FISH BOWLING TIPS

 

 

Lots of hair is a good thing if itâ??s on the top of a Yings head. Lots of hair is a bad thing in her arm pits, around her ankles, or hanging on balls in her crotch.

 

Always check for signs of wear and tear. If theyâ??re limping or have damp spots between their legs they have been rode hard and put back in the fishbowl wet.

 

Never select a Ying whoâ??s sitting in the fishbowl eating. Isan rice bug breath is incurable and it will flatten any erect body parts and pop the bubbles in the sudsy.

 

Lots of lipstick is a good thing if itâ??s on her lips. She uses them a lot. Lots of lipstick is a bad thing if itâ??s on her teeth.

 

Itâ??s no Yings first night in a massage parlor.

 

The Ying you really want is already in the tub with somebody else so donâ??t worry about it just pick one.

 

If there is any doubt between Yings take them both or go with the one wearing the driest panties.

 

Big tits always look better in a bra. Ask her to leave the bra on and avoid having to confront long dark brown droopy Asian nipples in the tub.

 

The Yings in the advertisement the taxi driver handed you havenâ??t looked that good in 10 years or they are fresh Khatoys.

 

The younger and sexier looking the Ying in the fishbowl the more tub laps and mattress mileage she has on her rice canoe odometer.

 

KHATOYS â?? R â?? US

Creative Advertising

 

 

Automotive

 

The Nissan Khatoy - Enjoy the ride.

 

The Toyota Khatoy - Oh what a feeling.

 

The BMW Khatoy- The ultimate driving machine.

 

Mazda Khatoy - It just feels right.

 

 

Beverages

 

The Corona Khatoy- Khatoy Mas Fina: Change Your Whole Latitude.

 

The Guinness Khatoy - Fancy a Change?

 

The Diet Pepsi Khatoy - You got the right one, baby.

 

 

Consumer Goods and Services

 

The Apple Computer Khatoy - Think Different

 

The Toshiba Khatoy - Technology you can trust.

 

The Gap Khatoy - Dress You Up.

 

The Nike Khatoy - Just do it.

 

 

Public Service

 

The Uncle Sam Khatoy - Donâ??t Ask Donâ??t Tell.

 

The US Army Khatoy - Be all that you can be.

 

The Counterintelligence Khatoy - Loose lips sink ships.

 

The Air Force Khatoy - Aim High.

 

The DEA Khatoy - Donâ??t bogart that joint.

 

BANGKOK PASSPORT QUIZ

 

 

Is your passport and visa agent calling himself Omar or Vinnie â??The Fixer?â??

 

Does your passport and visa agent keep changing office locations between guest houses on Khao Sang Road and foot massage parlors on Sukhumvit?

 

Where you asked by your passport and visa agent to get six passport size photos taken of yourself dressed in an Afghan head scarf and wearing a black beard?

 

Are there enough motorcycle parts on the sidewalk in front of your passport and visa agentâ??s office or next to their desk to assemble two or more bikes?

 

Has your passport been to more countries than you have?

 

Does the ink on your visa stamp smell vaguely like fried chicken and look like it was made from a blue crayola?

 

Do police dogs sniff you or your passport first?

 

Have you received an e-mail from Omar or Vince telling you not to try and leave the country too quickly or talk to anybody wearing a uniform at the Immigration Office?

 

Have you actually been in Nigeria with your passport?

 

Do you know where the Uzbek Embassy in Bangkok is located?

 

Does the Uzbek Embassy in Bangkok know where youâ??re located?

 

Did your passport and visa agentsâ?? last e-mail advise you of his new visiting hours and request you bring food, cigarettes and soap?

 

WHY SOI DOGS MAKE BETTER HOUSE PETS THAN THAI YINGS

 

 

Dogs understand what â??NOâ?? means and wag their tails when you tellâ??em no.

 

Dogs are okay about it if some of their friends and family canâ??t come inside the house.

 

You can train a dog.

 

When a dog gets mad they wonâ??t start yelling and screaming about the other dogs youâ??ve been with.

 

Dogs donâ??t want you to support the pack in Isan.

 

Dogs donâ??t ask you to eat things that look and smell like shit or pass you plates of fried bugs.

 

Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

 

Dogs will miss you when you're gone.

 

Dogs wonâ??t email you for money.

 

Dogs donâ??t have passports filled with three years of short time visas to Japan, Hong Kong and Singapore.

 

Dogs wonâ??t sell or pawn the paw bracelets, collars and other gold trinkets and jewelry you gave them in order to go gambling with the other Soi dogs.

 

When you run strange pussy into the house dogs start wagging their tails and want to play with it too.

 

TEN REASONS TO RIDE THE BANGKOK SKY TRAIN

 

 

The great little or no hair all Asian beaver shots you can take in the face sitting across the aisle from the office, high school, college and heathen Yings wearing their mini skirts.

 

The Sherpa Stair Climb from the industrial pollution covered street level to the third world smog layered rail level blows the entire load of Bangkok gunk out of your heart valves.

 

Nobody is shaking a metal tube full of miniature coins in your face demanding to see a sliver of lost paper.

 

You donâ??t have to look at, smell or listen to any bus or taxi driver or listen to their f**king Thai taxi talk shows.

 

There are no rotting herbs hanging on the mirrors or weeds lying in the back window to ward off Isan spirits, vampires and no tippers.

 

The great selection of Thai Language sales flyers you can wad up and throw away.

 

Watching the little half Farang Yings swing on the poles you can try and figure out whose mommy was a Go-Go dancer and in which bar she worked.

 

There is a station called Nana and if you canâ??t make it from there to Soi 4 you are within crawling distance of the Soi 7 Beer Garden.

 

Only one idiot with a plastic whistle is allowed on each platform.

 

The great little or no hair all Asian beaver shots you can take in the face from the office, high school, college and heathen Yings wearing their mini skirts climbing the stairs.

 

THE BANGKOK ALPHABET

 

 

A is for Available in Bangkok are high quality low priced Yings with great attitudes and little brown bodies to match but if youâ??re with no money they will answer no honey.

 

B is for Bar Fines in Bangkok are the norm running from Asian superb to Asian slut, but Euro Awful, African Doubtful, and Middle East Beast are also available in some venues.

 

C is for Charming in Bangkok are the LBFMs in all sizes, shapes, and flavors they come some with rice canoes and others dragging rice barges up the Soi but even the worst of them will smile at you.

 

D is for Dumbshit in Bangkok is everywhere which makes the whole city all the more fun.

 

E is for Erotic in Bangkok is what is expected and in the Club Eden you can have it for breakfast, lunch, an after school snack and dinner if the Yings are still lined up.

 

F is for Fun in Bangkok is always possible at any hour sun up or sun down.

 

G is for Go-Go bars in Bangkok are recognized symbols and the after dark watering holes and shopping arcades of choice for most Farang visitors and long time residents.

 

H is for Hand Jobs in Bangkok are available in most of the fishbowls, barber shops, Go-Go bars and the odd taxi.

.

I is for Isan and in Bangkok its where most of the better looking Yings and some of the worst in the Go-Go bars, fishbowls, golf courses and universities call home base.

 

J is for Jumping in Bangkok on, under, over, in, out, between or behind one Ying or a pair in the first five minutes of any short time is the cities recreational entertainment offer of choice.

 

K is for Khatoys in Bangkok are one of its kinkier treats and unique customer service ideas brought on line when the AUA and British Council were opened.

 

L is for Loitaâ??s in Bangkok is one of the more impressive full service centers catering to special requests for kneeling Yings.

 

M is for Mammasanâ??s in Bangkok who keep the Yings in their high heels and bikiniâ??s moving along and circling by and who have responsibility to negotiate personnel service contracts you might want to make with them or one or more of their younger protégés.

 

N is for Nubile in Bangkok is so much of the nineteen year old Ying parade whose real ages are plus or minus three years but with a lot of experience.

 

O is for Overflowing is Bangkok with sex, lies and bar fines and several hundred other sexotic treats which doesnâ??t include the dogs, rats, tuk-tuks and traffic jams, those are extras are free.

 

P is for Possible in Bangkok anything might be if it involves a Ying or a pair or more, some golf, sex or anything but sidewalks used for walking.

 

Q is for Quick and Quiet in Bangkok are the bar and Go-Go Yings ready to let you run your hands through their costumes if they think a ladies drink is coming their way.

 

R is for Romantic in Bangkok are the Yings who if they arenâ??t are at least Randy.

 

S is for Special in Bangkok are the tailor shops, massage parlors, hotel, bar fines and others for just a little more than the regular price.

 

T is for Tilac in Bangkok every Farang should have since itâ??s not a bad deal for a Ying if she can handle three or more and something every Farang should be able boast to his friends he has.

 

U is for Ugly in Bangkok but sweet some of the Yings are as well as the things they will let you do to them or they will do for you.

 

V is for Viagra in Bangkok they have to make sure Farangs can measure up to the bar fines they pay.

 

W is for Weird in Bangkok is not that strange.

 

X is for X rated in Bangkok the whole city might be if it were anywhere else but Thailand.

 

Y is for Yes in Bangkok is what the Yings will say to just about anything if their bar fine is paid.

 

Z is for Zooming in Bangkok at high speed are taxiâ??s and Yings both with meters running.

 

 

 

 

ASIA BOOK LIST

 

What Theyâ??re Reading In Kansas

 

1. Warm Sex With Western Women: Science Fiction

 

2. Once a Month Whether He Needs It or Not: Clinical Psychology

 

3. The Good Sex and the Better Bowling Guide for the Clitoris: Sports Psychology

 

4. Sex-4-Women and Shit -4-Brains: Psychological Counseling

 

5. My Mother Didnâ??t Know Shit About Sex: Sex Guide

 

6. Her Getting The Sex She Wants: Psychology

 

7. Her Way or The Highway: Autobiography

 

8. The Great White Female Orgasm: Mystery

 

9. Even Big Butt White Women Get Horny: Get Out or Get it Up: Thriller

 

10. Train Him to Like Solo Sex: Pet Care and Obedience

 

 

What Weâ??re Reading in Bangkok

 

1. Night of The Isan Virgins: Biography

 

2. Nuns in The Nana: Autobiography

 

3. I Married a Lao Alien: Autobiography

 

4. Bar Fines Mother Did Me: Autobiography

 

5. The Bar Fine Finders Keepers: True Mystery

 

6. Sex, Lies and Bar Girls: Autobiography

 

7. Mammasan Saddam: Autobiography

 

8. Sudsy Till You Die: Health Care

 

9. The Rice Powered Clitoris for Dummies: How To Manual

 

10. No Bar Fines Before 9: Humor

 

PAYDAY AT THE ATM

 

Farangs

Step up to the machine then Insert card

Enter PIN number Take cash, card and receipt

Leave

 

Thais

Step up to the machine then Check every thing on the card.

Check it again Insert first card

Punch in five different pin numbers Look confused that none work

Punch in the right pin number Study instructions on the screen

Study them again Hit "cancel"

Insert second card Punch in five different pin numbers

Look confused that none work Punch in the right pin number

Study instructions on the screen Study them again

Punch in an email to brother in Baghdad. Hit "send"

Insert third card Punch in the right pin number

Look totally f**king confused Study instructions on the screen

Study them again Check balance

Look at the machine like its crazy Recheck balance

Study instructions Hit Cancel

Reinsert first card Punch in five different pin numbers

Look confused that none work Punch in the right pin number

Study instructions Study them again

Check Balance Recheck Balance

Transfer 50 baht from the 1st account to the 3rd Press Finished

Reinsert third card Punch in the right pin number

Look totally f**king confused Study instructions

Study them again Check balance

Confirm 50 baht transfer. Check for return Email from brother

Press Finished Turn and smile at the waiting line

THE BUM GUARD MEDICAL TEAM

 

Dr. Nokrank Cliphorner

â?¢ Gender Reassignment Specialist

Dr. Vildhare Bushtrimchop

â?¢ Ear, Nose and Vaginal Barber

Dr. Nippyi Titsaplentee

â?¢ Breast Cosmonaut

Dr. Ohgod Sowonqik

â?¢ Penis Repair Tech

Dr. Salee Ubingoontis

â?¢ Venereal Disease and Crotch Wart Specialist

Dr. Deedek Pasaway

â?¢ Male Genital Restoration

Dr. Vee Agraforu

â?¢ Penis Pharmacologist

Dr. Wartbeegon Nipptrimee

â?¢ Tit and Nipple Reconstruction Contractor

Dr. Nophusstenk Apleenteetite

â?¢ Designa Vagina Specialist

Dr. Dripee Peeburndamit

â?¢ CPR Urologist

Ms. Pulldik Shakkeedryee

â?¢ Pisslab Technician

Dr. Tittalk Nippstif

â?¢ Breast Hypnotist

Dr. Neermiss Aandortoodeep

â?¢ Acupuncturist

Ms. Maeihelpu Lipsandorpalm

â?¢ Massage Therapist

 

 

WHEN TO DUMP TILAC

 

 

When she bitches about you paying another Yingâ??s bar fine.

 

The first time she refuses to change the TV from her Thai soap opera to your Dr. Brady Barr National Geographic special on assisted crocodile insemination.

 

When the hooch refrigerator is officially certified an Isan WMD gas production facility.

 

When the three member pole dancing team from the Long Gun Bar moves in next door.

 

When the light spots in her underwear start becoming dark green stains.

 

When the four inches of frost in the refrigeratorâ??s freezer section goes from gray to brown to black to hairy.

 

When sheâ??s getting more head from you then youâ??re getting from her.

 

When she has more rotting Thai food, fish heads, Isan bug dip and spoiled soya milk in the refrigerator than you have beer and cheese.

 

When a new bar fine sucks the bed sheets in a short time hotel right up your ass.

 

When you can smell tuna all over the hooch but you canâ??t find the open can.

 

When she quits wearing her thong and black teddy outfit to do the hooch work.

 

When her English starts improving.

 

When you canâ??t remember her name anymore and start calling her â??U-Buyâ?? because thatâ??s all she says to you.

When she bitches about your dirty socks lying on the kitchen table, a second time.

 

When sheâ??s on her period more often than sheâ??s not.

 

When she stops watching oral sex and lesbian porn flicks with you.

 

When she throws out your box of Soi Cowboy Polaroid moments.

 

When your friends come over for a beer and some bullshit stories and she turns on a Thai TV soap opera and starts plucking her underarms in front of them.

 

When she washes the dirty clothes and leaves out your stuff.

 

When she figures out how to sign on to your home computer and check your email and photo files.

 

When your Chinese fortune cookie says: â??Thai Cookies Nooky is Mai Deeâ??

 

When you have to replace your toilet seat because her foot prints wonâ??t come off.

 

When the Soi motorcycle queue is lining up at your door.

 

When she brings the somtom and khao neow to bed.

 

When she asks for your ATM card and the number code.

 

When she complains about your friends Melvin and Rob coming over to watch her take a shower.

 

When she stops complaining about your British friends Maurice and Anus coming over to watch her take a shower.

 

THE FRONT HALF OF THE BANGKOK MASSAGE ALPHABET

 

 

Able Body to Body. No one armed or one-legged masseuses employed in these fishbowls.

 

Ancient Style. Performed by a heathen Ying over 21 years old from Isan. A plus plus on the stretch marks.

 

Aroma Oil. Performed with a heated concoction of liquid Tiger Balm and crushed chili.

 

Aromatherapy. Performed by a Ying smoking hand rolled Isan water buffalo dung cigarettes.

 

Asian Style. Performed by a Ying using plenty of nose sucking and extended spitting.

 

Best Traditional Thai. Performed with grandma and the kids coming in to watch mommy work on the Farang.

 

Body. Performed by two Yings pulling the shaved carcass of a street dog along the Farangâ??s body. An extra treat is the after massage BBQ.

 

Chinese Herbal with Golden Mountain Showering. An illegal Chinese immigrant Ying drinking a quart of chilled green ice tea and then pissing on the Farangâ??s head.

 

Cream. Performed in the manner of a basic hand job with Johnsonâ??s baby cream. Beware some establishments may substitute Tiger Balm.

 

European Style. Performed in the same manner as a cream massage but the Ying giving the massage has needed an underarm shave for the last six months.

 

European Style Fantastic. Performed in the same manner as a European Style but this Ying has more hair on her legs and under her arms than a bearded Viking snorting Rogaine.

 

Excellent Visiting Thai. Performed by a straight A student from Khon Khaen University.

 

Extra Body. Performed with your tuk-tuk driver observing.

 

Fantastic Extra Body. Performed by an Isan Ying back rubber and her younger sister. Probably the best deal in town.

 

Fantasy Body. Performed by â??da oneâ??. Probably a Khatoy.

 

Food. This is possibly a typo in the Bangkok Post â?? but you never know.

 

Foot. Performed by a full figure (fishbowl jargon for fat) Chinese immigrant trying to disjoint your toes and then force them back into place with a pointed stick.

 

Japanese Physical. You maybe beaten and forced to build a toy bridge during one of these.

 

Lady for Lady. Another good deal. Farang customers can bring in a Ying and swap her for a new one.

 

Oil. Performed by a Ying rubbing coconut oil in all the right places. However, this is probably used to help slide off any jewelry a Farang customer might be wearing.

 

Oil Body to Body. Performed with the Farang customer laying on his back with two naked heathen Yings standing over him spitting mouthfuls of baby oil at one another.

 

Oil With Shower. Something to do with a water pistol and a jug of coconut oil.

 

YOUâ??VE PAID A SCREAMERâ??S BAR FINE

 

When the smoke alarm in the short time room cracks and falls off the ceiling and all of the smoke alarms on the next floor and six car alarms in the street go off.

 

When the bathroom mirror shatters and the water facets on the bathroom sink blow off.

 

When the TV shorts out in your room and the TV screen in the next room cracks.

 

When the six couples performing in the live on stage sex show in the hotel karaoke bar complain about the noise.

 

When the purple neon â??Oâ??in Playboy on the front of the hotel explodes and the security guards wake up and write everything down.

 

When the All Menâ??s South Island Kiwi Flatulent Appreciation Society tour group on the third floor calls hotel room service and request they also be given a room with sheep.

 

When a pair of terrified Thai bellboys break into the room and throw pitchers of cold water on both of you.

 

When next morning the tropical fish in the lobby aquarium, to include the rock lobsters and the plastic toy Scuba Diver, are all floating face down on the surface.

 

When next morning the only remaining guest on the same floor that didnâ??t leave last night gives you a thumb up and shows you his shattered hearing aid.

 

When his LBFM throws her thong underwear at you with her e-mail, home, fax and mobile telephone numbers written in them.

 

 

MORE REASONS SOI DOGS MAKE BETTER HOUSE PETS THAN THAI YINGS

 

Dogs may drink out of the toilet but they wonâ??t squat on the seat and leave paw prints.

 

You can watch your dog jerk, scratch herself and listen to her moan while sleeping and not worry about it too much.

 

Dogs wonâ??t hide the remote.

 

Bad breath in dogs wonâ??t usually cause you to fall down or loose your hard-on.

 

You can take dogs for a walk down the soi in the morning and not be embarrassed to be seen with them.

 

You can buy dogs little outfits to wear and they will.

 

Dogs donâ??t have to see a jewelry store before they hang their head out of a car or taxi window and start drooling and whining

 

Dogs like it when you call them BIG GIRL and pat them on their ass.

 

If she is a bitch you can tell her so.

 

Dogs never try and hide their ugly tits with towels.

 

If you see your dog sniffing itself between its legs and checking for critters you donâ??t have to pretend you donâ??t notice.

 

Dogs love it when you stumble home drunk and try to fix some food for the both of you.

 

WARNING SIGNS YOUâ??VE BEEN TEACHING ENGLISH IN BANGKOK FOR TOO LONG

 

Youâ??re wearing an Isan peasant shirt, camouflaged jungle pants, flip flops and carrying a rusted beat up beggar bowl to your job interviews.

 

You know all the other dirt poor Farangs with beggar bowls in the interview line.

 

In your last job interview you realized you quit this job once and were fired the second time.

 

You agree to teach business negotiation skills to a class of tuk-tuk and taxi drivers.

 

Your boss is British and you both think he actually knows what heâ??s talking about.

 

Your best resume is outlined on the back of a Heineken beer coaster.

 

Tourists on Soi Cowboy are asking if they can take your picture.

 

Youâ??re teaching Bible English to the Farangs at the Sunday Morning Soi 22 Bourbon Street Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. â??Are you conjugating with me Jesus?â??

 

Youâ??ve married and divorced five of your students. Wife number 3, a Khatoy, was your personal favorite.

 

Your house parrot quit speaking English and is studying Spanish with Berlitz.

 

Your current wife is too young for TOEFL classes and your mother in-law, who is five years younger than you, was the honor graduate in your first Telephone English for Secretaries class at AUA.

 

THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS IT TOOK ME A COUPLE OF DOZEN BAD BANGKOK BAR FINES TO LEARN

 

 

The better their English or the more beautiful they are the bigger the pain in the ass theyâ??re going to be.

 

No LBFM improves with age. Particularly their own.

 

Dim lights, dark corners, a skimpy bikini and a bottle or two of beer in a Go-Go bar can hide a lot of bone ugly on an Isan dancer.

 

When the lights go out in the short time room itâ??s no longer a question about a Yings looks, charm or personality. What counts is that she knows how to shower and douche.

 

Yes, they have. No matter what they say they have done it before somewhere with somebody or a dozen somebodyâ??s.

 

No, Iâ??m not. No matter what they say somebody else has already been there, had them in that position and done it to them that way and others I will never think of.

 

They all know what an air start is, have done it and will do it again. Good and better are the only air starts available. Suffer the good and hope for the better.

 

My sex appeal and charm stop when they know my wallet is empty. Their sex appeal stops when I cum.

 

Love is blind but lust in a Go-Go bar is 20-20.

 

Isan bug breath canâ??t be eliminated, controlled or covered up and footprints on the toilet seat are inevitable. If they flush their toilet paper be happy.

 

TUK-TUK JOKES

 

Why do tuk-tuk drivers wear flip flops?

So bus drivers can see their turn signals.

 

Why do tuk-tuk drivers paint their toenails?

So bus drivers can see their turn signals at night.

 

What do you call a tuk-tuk with two potted palm trees, a fan, a couch, three cardboard boxes of sheep soap and a toilet in the back? A Baghdad taxi.

 

What do you call a tuk-tuk with a flat tire?

Handicapped.

 

What do you call a tuk-tuk with a murdered Thai millionaire in the back that has been shot in the head twice? A double suicide.

 

What do you call a tuk-tuk with Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky in the back?

A humvee.

 

What do you call a pink tuk-tuk with 8 gay couples in the back?

A ferry.

 

What do you call a tuk-tuk with a DEA agent and Dolly Pardon in the back?

A drug bust.

 

What do you call a tuk-tuk with 20 Burmese in the back?

A run for the border.

 

What do you call a tuk-tuk with 8 computer geeks in the back?

A Compaq.

 

What do you call a tuk-tuk with 4 Kiwis in the back?

A sheep recce.

 

What do you call a tuk-tuk going backwards?

A kut-kut.

 

What do you get if you cross a tuk-tuk with a Harley Davidson?

A hog with a stutter.

 

What do you get if you cross a tuk-tuk with a Jeep?

Not much but it can climb a hill with 6 passengers in the back like a raped ape.

 

What do you get if you cross a tuk-tuk with a nymphomaniac LBFM

An LBFM that gives tuk-tuk.

 

What do you call a crashed tuk-tuk lying on its roof?

Tits Up.

 

What do you call a running tuk-tuk stuck in traffic?

A gas chamber.

 

What do you say to a naked LBFM tuk-tuk driver?

Nice tuk-tuks.

 

Why do some tuk-tuks have rails on the roof?

So they can carry snow skis.

 

What do you call it when a tuk-tuk with five passengers is hit head on and then crushed by a cement truck? A great rugby moment.

 

THAI LBFM SAFETY FACT SHEET

 

 

ELEMENT: Thai Ying

 

SYMBOL: Common Variant â?? Y. More Common Variant - Y++$

 

DISCOVERER: Unknown Portuguese/French/British/Jap/ or American GI

 

ATOMIC MASS: 98lbs

 

RELATED ELEMENTS: Philippine Honeyco and Southeast Asian Do Daz

 

OCCURRENCES:

 

1. Thai Cocktail Bars

2. Thai Go-Go Bars

3. Thai Massage Parlors

4. and Elsewhere in Thailand

 

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

 

1. Surface usually uncovered

2. Yes Mr. President Face and Lips

3. Black Hair usually treated to some dose of red or yellow

4. Speaks English with an accent

5. Boils at nothing; freezes for unknown reasons.

6. Melts if given special treatment.

7. Bitter if pissed off.

8. Found in various states from shy to common ore.

9. Normally yields to any suggestion if proper amount of currency is correctly applied.

10. Mobile phone

11. Pawn shop tickets

12. Needy family members

 

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

 

1. Immeasurable affinity for gold and a range of negotiable currencies.

2. Absorbs great quantities of food substances and other stuff.

3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.

4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity normally increases in showers and bathtubs

5. Most powerful money eating agent known to man.

 

COMMON USES:

 

1. Decoration.

2. Fantasy Sex.

3. Bullshit Dispenser.

 

TESTS:

 

1. Pure specimen â?? No test needed. These are never found in a pure state.

2. Turns raging hot pepper pissed if knowingly replaced with a better specimen.

 

HAZARDS:

 

1. Most and increasing everyday. Keep out of the reach of sharp objects.

2. Never let one in or near your wallet.

3. Several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into

direct contact with each other. But this is inadvisable.

 

BOOM BOOM SLOGANS

 

Working on the railroad laying Thais Humping a heathen

 

Pumping a sigh into Ms. Chiang Mai Knocking on Ms. Nong Khai

 

Putting the bone to Ms. Ubon Filling the Y in Ms. Hat Yai

 

Spreading the Aâ??s for Ms. AUA Making sure itâ??s in Ms. Surin

 

Depositing some fun in Ms. 101 Dropping the knot in Ms. Korat

 

Shoving the baht into Ms. Korat Tapping the dot com in Ms. Isan

 

Peeling the banana for Ms. Nana Shaving the fur on Ms. Buriram

 

Creating a little sin with Ms. Surin Shooting the horn into Ms. Udorn

 

Twisting the lock in Ms. Tilac Hanging the dong in Ms. Suzy Wong

 

Hiding the gook into Ms. Phitsanulok Leaving some zing in a Ying.

 

Slapping some joy into Ms. Cowboy Planting the gland into Ms. Thailand

 

Checking in the mouse with Ms. Laos Breaking in the Khatoyâ??s new toy

 

Running the Tuk-Tuk into Ms. Samut Cooking sticky rice with Ms. Right

 

Having a Sisaket Siesta Peeling foreskin for Ms.Yasothin

 

Banging off the cock rot in Bangkok Slipping Mr. Blair into the Bush

 

TIPS FOR SAS BARS

 

Do not choose a Ying who is busy coring her teeth clean with a tooth pick. You donâ??t know what might be stuck in there. Aggressive flossing is a good sign.

 

Never choose or interrupt a Ying in a lineup who is eating a fried chicken leg unless she is demonstrating an ability to coil her tongue around it and peel off the flesh.

 

Never choose or contemplate choosing a Ying in a lineup who is biting, gnawing, tearing and/or chewing on a chili pepper.

 

Nicknames such as Jaws, Jaws II, Lockjaw, Snapper, Piranha and Jaws of Death donâ??t mean anything unless they are embroidered on the Yingâ??s T-shirts or tattooed on her.

 

A normal set of bumps on a Yingâ??s head are okay. Steel pins, metal seams and deep dents may be an indication of past problems with or for clients.

 

Ears should be roughly the same shape and parallel. Torn or stretched ears are usually an indication of past problems with run away jaw, lockjaw or sudden violent snapping.

 

A Yingâ??s nose to include nose hair should not be distracting or in any way interfere with the basic operation or any specials. Ear and nose hair should be well trimmed.

 

If she has a mustache, check your beer and whiskey levels.

 

Soft gloves are a rare but very nice touch. However if they are rubber and the Ying wants you to wear a condom as well be careful of rubber peel marks and burns. Bare back is the norm but if a rubber is required insist on the technician performing an oral installation.

 

A parting thank you French kiss at the door is not normally required or expected of you.

BANGKOK VD

 

Oh my Farang Valentine

Short Time

or Long Time

You got to pay the Bar Fine

 

My Ying feels so good,

My Ying feels so right

I just wish my Ying

Wasn't a 1,000 baht a night.

 

I whispered Tilac those are my genitals

She heard dogs

I whispered Tilac giveâ??em a lick

She heard kick

 

I can tell your sweet ass is from Isan

Because the bugs you eat and the rest of the crap between your teeth

Turn me on

 

I know we just met and this might seem a little sudden

But Iâ??ll go another 500 baht

Which is a lot

If I can shove this up your little brown dot

 

Yings cum and Yings go

Whatever,

Just givâ??em the dough.

 

 

I met her in the B-52

She said she loved to screw

I paid her for that good news

Then we went for a short time do

But when I pulled down her zipper

I found a long handled dipper

I took her back to the B-52 skipper

Howie said donâ??t tipper

 

When I met you last night

It was love at first sight

But now I wish I might

Meet a Ying a bit more tight

 

Jail bait

I canâ??t wait

 

We can Balikitan â?? Shoulder to Shoulder

Like they do in the Philippines

Unless you want me to roll you over

 

I took some time

Then I paid the bar fine for Noy

But when I got on my knees to dine

I found Noy was a khatoy

 

She roves me, she roves me not

She lubs me, she lubs me not

She rubs me, she rubs me not

Shit, F**k, Damn, Piss

Ruts happened to my rips?

 

ACCOUNTABILITY

 

 

A is for Always she told him. No problem. Iâ??m always on time.

 

C is for Complete waste of time which is what he spent waiting on her the next night.

 

C is also for Cash he wasted when he gave her an advance to make sure she was there.

 

O is for Oh what U want she asked when he found her the next night.

 

U is for U no wait me she said. I come see U nine hours after I say I meet U, what U do?

 

N is for Never will I be that stupid again he told himself.

 

T is for Tilac she said I want to see U again, Jing-Jing.

 

A is for All right Iâ??ll give you another chance he said.

 

B is for Boiling mad when she never showed up for the second date.

 

I is for Idiot which he was calling himself the whole night.

 

L is for Lecture her on responsibility which he did for several hours in the bar the next night when she told him she went to Randmark instead of Landmark Hotel.

 

I is for Insane which is what she thought he must be.

 

T is for Treasure and time he was wasting trying to talk to her about any of it.

 

Y is for Yaks will be raised in Iraq for their sperm cocktails before the idea of responsibility takes hold with any girl from Isan.

THE BACK HALF OF THE BANGKOK MASSAGE ALPHABET

 

Ointment. Fishbowl trade talk for an enema treatment administered with hot frying pan grease.

 

Real Thai. Performed by a heathen Isan Ying with the TV, radio, and karaoke machines turned up full blast. This level of noise may actually take the Farangâ??s mind off the Yingâ??s terminal bad breath.

 

Real Traditional. Performed with the Farang customer tied to the floor and with the ugliest full figure beetle nut chewing Isan Mammasan available squatting on his face.

 

Romantic: Performed with the TV playing a Thai Soap Opera at half volume.

 

Special Body. Performed by somebody, possibly a Ying, wearing a mask. Warning â?? In cheaper fishbowls this mask will be a cloaking device for Isan breath.

 

Special Body with SPL Service. This is a variant of the Special Body and may mean Some Pretty Lady, Some Playful Lips or Some Poor Lao depending on the time of day.

 

Special Enjoy With Oil. Performed by putting the Farang customer in the tub to soak with an accompanying Ying and then adding a film of scented oil to the top of the water.

 

Special Oil. Performed by putting the Farang customer in the tub to soak by himself and when he closes his eyes the Ying lights the film of scented oil.

 

Special Oil Surprise. Performed by gluing the Farang customerâ??s ass to the bottom of the tub before the Ying lights the oil.

 

Super Oil. Performed by two heathen Yings using a high viscosity palm oil for a hand job at combat speed.

Special Romantic Thai. Performed by a very horny Khatoy.

 

Super Very Special Oil. Performed by two Yings rubbing a high viscosity palm oil all over the Farangâ??s body. When his eyes are closed and his hard on is at its vertical strength itâ??s covered in oil. Then they light the tip and use it as a candle while they chant heathen rap until the Farang smells burning flesh and opens his eyes.

 

Swedish. Performed by two stranded Swedes, Sven and Olav, coming in and beating the naked Farang with coconut shells tied to bamboo broom sticks.

 

Thai. Probably performed by a Burmese or Cambodian immigrant.

 

Traditional Thai. Same as the Thai massage but probably performed by a stranded Cuban or Mexican Salsa Dance Instructor.

 

Traditional Oil Style 1. Performed under a running tuk-tuk with a leaking engine.

 

Traditional Oil Style 2. Performed by an Isan Ying with cooking grease. This is best if its cold grease or at least if it hasnâ??t been used to fry up any Isan insect treats.

 

Traditional Thai. Performed with plus - plus and a VAT added.

 

Visiting. Performed by Nigerian, Russian and/or Iraqi Yings trying to pick up some extra cash and or sell some oil stocks or diamonds.

 

X. A number 10 massage.

 

XX. A massage by a nasty twenty year old from Buriram.

 

XXX. Either two nasty fifteen year olds from Buriram giving a great massage with SPL or their nasty 30 year old mother trying for a waterless sudsy.

 

MYTHS ABOUT SEX IN BANGKOK

 

Size matters. Not so, LBFMs come in all sizes and shapes and will short time a customer no matter how short his scrogger. Size only matters in swimsuits. A one piece Go-Go swimsuit can cover up to 2,000 yards of stomach stretch marks or a scar wide enough, long enough and with enough jagged twists to look like she hatched a 4ft alien mini-me. Some may be trying to hide both.

 

Condoms take way all the feeling. Not so, most LBFMs havenâ??t felt anything in their overworked rice barges for years so donâ??t worry about it.

 

LBFMs donâ??t masturbate and donâ??t like oral sex. Not so, they may bitch about it but you can get a hand job from one and they will scratch and rub your head for as long as you want to keep it down there.

 

Old people can't have sex. Not so, the average customerâ??s age in the Nana Hotel is in the three digits. Most of the Yings with them are well past the recommended LBFM retirement age of 20 and several qualify for triple retirement pay.

 

Thai pussy smells like fish. Not so, like every strange piece of food on earth Thai pussy smells and tastes like chicken. A distinct BBQ scent or flavor indicates an Isan chicken ranch in her biography.

 

Shaved Asian Pussy (SAP) was invented in Bangkok. Not so, SAP was invented in a Chinese barber shop near Pearl Harbor Hawaii. Plucked Asian Pussy (PAP) was invented in Bangkok.

 

Thai pussy gets tighter the wider the Ying spread her legs. Not so, a Thai pussy only gets tight if its owner and operator think you are going to try and get an air start from her.

 

The best pussy in Bangkok is in the Jap bars. Not so, it maybe some of the newest. Most Khatoys try to cover the full cost of their plumbing conversion in the first year. Also because of an unexplained exponential spike in the radioactive isotope levels of the sushi theyâ??ve been eating since 1945 Japs canâ??t see that well and each generation of men has to stand closer to the toilet bowls.

 

The sudsy massage was invented in Bangkok. Not so, the sudsy was invented by an amateur Kiwi rugby player named Conan who was shipwrecked for 36 hours on an uninhabited island with two world class Australian cricket players, Ian and Harvey.

 

Thai women think all foreign men are rich and handsome, have big scroggers and they would rather marry a foreigner than a Thai. Not so. Thai women like women around the world know Brits are undersized wankers.

 

Bar fines are tools by which foreign men exploit poor Isan Yings. Not so. Bar fines are a centuryâ??s old and culturally unique form of introduction and sightseeing in Isan. Then as now when a foreign man observes a Ying he would like to spend more time with she will tell him to pay her bar fine so they can mutually explore each others interests and unique features for a short or long time. The exploitation begins when the short or long time ends and the Ying starts whining about the service tip. Unfortunately they no longer accept dead fish, fresh animal skins or shrunken heads for either their bar fines or tips like they did in the good old days.

 

Thai Yings are the best lays in the world. Not so. The best lays in the world are Bangkokâ??s Soi dogs. They can lie down and sleep anywhere - anytime.

 

Most Yings working in Bangkokâ??s bars are bisexual. Not so, most Thai Go-Go Yings donâ??t know shit about sex or much else. They just f**k for the money.

 

 

 

 

DOCTOR BANGKOK

Ying Health and Commercial Relationship Consultant

 

Doctor Bangkok: Iâ??ve never had an orgasm with my customers. You fake the orgasm and the Farang will fake giving a shit that you had one.

 

Doctor Bangkok: I hate oral sex after intercourse. Try it before.

 

Doctor Bangkok: How much masturbation is normal? A lot.

 

Doctor Bangkok: My genital area smells bad. Change your tampon.

 

Doctor Bangkok: Does going bare make sex better? Only for blow jobs.

 

Doctor Bangkok: How do I perform a lap dance? Naked with a ladies drink is a very good start.

 

Doctor Bangkok: My Farang boyfriend talks too much during sex. Put a tit in his mouth or two if there small.

 

Doctor Bangkok: My Farang boyfriend only wants sex in bed . So stay in bed. No honey no money.

 

Doctor Bangkok: How can I spice up the missionary position? Get a new missionary. Same goes for the doggie position.

 

Doctor Bangkok: My Farang boyfriend is always using my breasts for stimulation. If heâ??s not soaking them in gas and lighting them donâ??t bitch.

 

Doctor Bangkok: I am afraid of anal sex. Donâ??t bar fine Brits and if you do donâ??t turn or bend over to hand them the remote if they ask for it.

 

Doctor Bangkok: Iâ??m too dry down there when we have sex. Then put it where youâ??re wet. He wonâ??t really notice.

 

Doctor Bangkok: My clitoris is too sensitive after sex. Then donâ??t talk to it.

 

Doctor Bangkok: My mouth goes dry after orgasm. Quit spitting and try swallowing.

 

Doctor Bangkok: I reach orgasm too soon. Try for two or go farther on the one you get.

 

Doctor Bangkok: My Farang bar fines want to watch me masturbate. Ask them to lend a hand by reaching back into their wallets.

 

Doctor Bangkok: Should I make more noise in bed with Farang bar fines? If youâ??re doing it right they ainâ??t listening.

 

Doctor Bangkok: My Farang boyfriend climaxes too soon. Start sooner without him.

 

Doctor Bangkok: Do I have to swallow after oral sex? Probably unless he wants you to spit it into his mouth.

 

Doctor Bangkok: Is it safe to fool around in a pool? That depends on how deep the fooling around is and how long you can hold your breath.

 

Doctor Bangkok: My vagina makes noises during sex. Noises are okay. Jokes and interviews should not be allowed.

 

Doctor Bangkok: My Farang boy friends too loud during sex. Buy him something else to wear.

 

Doctor Bangkok: Iâ??m uncomfortable being naked when I dance. Then keep the G-String and the high heels on.

 

BANGKOK VACATION CHECKLIST

Been there, done that and havenâ??t cleaned up yet

 

Twenty events needed for a â??I Survived My First Weekend in Bangkokâ?? patch.

 

 

Tag team dildo and volley ball matches at Club Eden

 

Public hand job at Fannyâ??s Bar

 

A.M. oral check up with the Lolitaâ??s day shift team

 

P.M. dental floss check with the Star of Love after dark crew

 

Squid fried noodles at the No Hands Restaurant on Bra Less Friday

 

Cowboy Short Time at the Suzie Wong Bar

 

Short Time with Foodland check out girl in the Playboy Hotel

 

3 a.m. pussy stalk at the Grace Hotel Coffee Shop

 

Twenty minutes in The Doll House with no ear plugs

 

A Bangkok Burger at the Woodstock in Nana Plaza. Extra chili please.

 

Floor mirror pussy review and short time at the Mandarin Bar

 

A front row bar stool seat during the Long Gun Pole show

 

At least one case of morning Singha Poisoning or Mekong Fog

 

Eight short time offers and the fried chicken dinner in Thermaes after 1.00 a.m.

 

An afternoon sudsy massage at Annies.

 

A Pat Pong short time at the Super Pussy: Nothing Less

 

A high speed midnight get away tuk-tuk ride from Pat Pong to Nana Plaza

 

A stint as the water or towel boy in the G-Spot Shower Show

 

A Washington Square Korean Rock Salt Massage

 

An 11 a.m. test beer and wake-up nooner at the Soi 7 Beer Garden

 

 

WHY THAI BEER IS BETTER THAN A THAI BAR FINE

 

 

You can pick out one to take home and five of her friends come along and you can use as many as you want, one at a time or all at once.

 

There is no bullshit warm up time needed with a beer. Sheâ??s on your schedule and is always wet and ready and the more frigid, cold and frosty the better sheâ??s going to be.

 

You can call out and have a quality beer delivered and if youâ??re having a party she can come with enough friends for everybody. There is no need to share just one.

 

You can always get head from a beer if thatâ??s what you want because sheâ??s on your schedule and goes down easy when you want her to.

 

You donâ??t need a beer to shower and douche herself out before you pop her open.

 

All beers are spinners and cherries, no bullshit.

 

You can throw out a used beer the minute youâ??re done with her or you can just leave her on the curb in the morning for somebody else to pick up.

 

If you forget to throw out a used beer in the morning she wonâ??t clean out your house while youâ??re gone.

 

Beers donâ??t have periods, headaches or pouting sessions.

 

In a Go-Go bar bad beers wonâ??t come over and sit next to you if youâ??ve had them before and run off the new beers you want to try out.

 

 

 

 

YOUâ??RE IN A SLEAZY ASIAN HOLE-IN-THE-WALL BAR

 

When you have to squeeze through a one holer unisex bathroom to get in and out.

 

When the Go-Go Yings sitting in the front booth waiting to go on stage are constantly checking and sniffing between their legs.

 

When there are matching nude autographed pictures of the Night Owl and Margaret Thatcher mooning the camera hanging over the bar and you canâ??t tell them apart.

 

When the Go-Go Yings dancing on stage are constantly stopping and asking for napkins to stick in their bras and panties and to wipe genital slime off the poles.

 

When all the TV sports channels are broadcast from Finland and subtitled in Australian English.

 

When a double shot of Mekong is required in all ladies drinks to cover the smell of the ice and to refresh the Yings breath.

 

When the guy sitting across the bar you thought was asleep has been there two days with a 6 inch vaginal dart lodged between his eyes.

 

When the only wall decorations are a New Zealand pin-up calendar of sheared sheep and a thank you plaque from the Bangkok CIA Office for hosting their annual Chief of Station clandestine pig party.

 

When the star performer in the midnight shower show is a Soi dog named Hanoi Jane assisted in her shaving act by a pair of drugged Orangutans named Mort and Wayne.

 

When you pay a bar fine you have to put your thumbprint on the Yings health card and take Mort or Wayne with you.

BANGKOK GO-GO BAR ENGLISH

 

If She Says She Means

U not old man. Youâ??re a cheap old Farang bar bum.

U handsome man. Your wallet looks healthy.

U work AUA? I donâ??t do kinky things, cheap.

Where U from? How much you going to pay me?

U pay bar fine? Come on lets get this over with.

Up-2-U? Drop the baht or get off the squat.

I no like. That kinda of stuff costs extra.

I no do. Thatâ??s really going to cost you.

Where U stay? Do I really have to change clothes?

U Stand! Pay attention f**k head.

Long time no see! Whereâ??s my baht bozo?

U hab roommate? No, your friends canâ??t watch.

Oh, Papa San!! Keep your hands in your own pants.

Oh, poot Thai dai!! Your tongue is a drunken knot.

U buy ladyâ??s drink? Please, I canâ??t do you sober.

U teach English You pay first!!

U Mai Sabii What happened to your face?

Never mind!! I hate this job.

U like her? Oh, youâ??re gay.

U Pak Wan. Cut the crap.

I no butterfly. This is a test dummy.

U numba one. I just finished the last guy, lets go!

My English is not well. Are we gonna talk or do it?

I no like British Kiss Iâ??m not tonguing your ass

U like Thai food? Your breath could paralyze a buffalo.

My friend 2? How much Viagra have you had?

U live Philippines? No blow job. U stand?

Good IQ. Bad Idea You dumb f**k.

MORE BANGKOK FISH BOWLING TIPS

 

Never contract or agree to a massage from a Ying whose nickname is OW!

 

Discourage any massage technique that involves one of you having to wrap a leg around your neck.

 

If the Ying turns on the TV and tunes in an American pro-wrestling channel leave the room.

 

Review the decision making process that resulted in you paying for a massage from a Ying that uses martial arts weapons in her pre-massage stretch and warm up routine.

 

Consider carefully a massage offer by a Ying with reptiles, amphibians, insects, spiders, skulls, wizards, severed male genitals or any combination of these tattooed on her face or breasts.

 

Itâ??s very rare to find a Ying with an artificial limb, tattoo or not, giving massages.

 

Live animals with large teeth and sharp claws do not normally replace adult rubber tub toys and chem lights in a sudsy.

 

Having scented herbs and wild grass stuffed in your mouth and then hot water poured over a small clay cup fitted on the end of your scrogger is actually part of a tea ceremony. Youâ??re in the wrong room.

 

Ask the Ying to take her laundry and the soaking baby diapers out of the bath tub before you get into it.

 

Donâ??t let her adjust the sound or change the channel on the TV or radio while either of you are in the tub.

WHY A THAI BAR FINE IS BETTER THAN A THAI BEER

 

 

A six pack of Bar Fines can lift you up and put you back into bed after you use them.

 

No need to throw away a flat Bar Fine.

 

Bar Fines can blow more than bubbles.

 

You can nurse one Bar Fine all night.

 

Bar Fines can peel off their own labels and open themselves while you watch.

 

You can stand a Bar Fine on her head and she wonâ??t run out on you.

 

A new Bar Fine is always a surprise when you open her up. They might look alike but no two are the same.

 

A Bar Fine has more than one hole and all are adjustable.

 

A Bar Fine can put you in her mouth.

 

A bucket of ice can actually heat up some Bar Fines.

 

You can water down a Bar Fine and sheâ??ll smell better, taste better and perform better.

 

A Bar Fine can put her tongue in you.

 

When you finish with a Bar Fine she can rinse herself out while you watch.

 

A Bar Fine will signal you when youâ??re getting close to the bottom.

 

 

THE SHORT LIST OF GREAT BAR FINE BOOKS

 

A Woman of Bangkok

The World of Suzy Wong

Saint Jack

 

THE LONG LIST OF GREAT BAR FINE BOOKS YET TO BE WRITTEN

 

The Heathen Triangle: Roi-et, Si Saket, and Buriram

 

Under The Short Time Sheets

 

Rice Canoes From Buriram With Love

 

Burning Rubbers

 

Last Tuk-Tuk to Don Muang

 

Colorful Short Times with Short Brown Girls in Black High Heels

 

Cher The Lost Bar Fine

 

Lust in Soi Tuk-Tuk

 

Soi Sleazy

 

Our Bar Fines, Ourselves

 

From Jungle Lust to Bangkok Rust

 

Unexplained, Unexpected and Unpaid Bar Fines

 

YOU HAVE A THAI SMOKER

 

 

When her bar nickname is Gop (Frog) and she pulls her lips over the glass of the double margarita grandee you bought her to prove it.

 

When you pay her bar fine and she sucks the lime from the bottom of your empty Corona bottle.

 

When she spits the shredded lime peel into the air and catches it on her extended tongue.

 

When she sits on your lap holding her 100 baht ladies drink in one hand, your scrogger in the other and is stirring the bottom of her ladies drink with her tongue.

 

When she French kisses you and your nose slams closed.

 

When she gets into bed wearing a baseball cap with â??Life Sucksâ?? stamped on the front and then turns it around and says â??Batter Up.â??

 

When she puts a bucket of ice cubes and a tube of import Philippine Colgate double mint toothpaste on the nightstand.

 

When she tells you she canâ??t swallow much tonight and asks the bell boy to bring up a beer mug.

 

When she straddles you in bed with her knees, sticks her tongue out at you, pulls on a pair of rubber gloves and ties her ponytail up with a surgical hose.

 

When after tying you to the bed she puts the two beer mugs and a pair of scissors on the nightstand. Then she tells you not to worry she will stop when the mugs are full and the scissors are to cut the sheets out of your ass.

 

BANGKOK GO-GO YING JOKES

 

Q. Why do Go-Go Yings rub their eyes when they wake up?

A. They don't have scroggers to scratch, you hope.

 

Q. Why don't Go-Go Yings like plastic vibrators?

A. They break too easy when they are trying to make som tom.

 

Q: Why do Go-Go Yings wear Pony-Tails?

A: To hide the â??Made in Isan - No Contentsâ?? label on the back of their heads.

 

Q. How do you change a Go-Go Yings mind about oral sex and another Ying?

A. Another 500 baht.

 

Q. What does a virgin Go-Go Ying and a good Thai smoke job have in common?

A. Theyâ??re both fantasies.

 

Q. What is the difference between Go-Go Yings and the Nite Owl Column?

A. Once in a while the Yings make sense.

 

Q. What do Go-Go Yings do in the morning?

A. Sleep, the same thing they did while you had sex with them the night before.

 

Q. What's the difference between a Go-Go Ying and the Suez Canal?

A. One's a busy ditch.

 

Q. Whatâ??s a Go-Go Ying doing flat on her back with her legs over your shoulders and her feet pointing straight in the air while youâ??re making hot jungle love to her?

 

A. Trying to figure out the difference between a Go-Go Ying and the Suez Canal.

 

THE BANGKOK KAMA SUTRA

 

You should not enjoy lepers, lunatics and those that smell bad in the far corner on the 2nd floor of the Nana Entertainment Plaza.

 

You should not enjoy one who is kept concealed in a blow job bar.

 

You should not enjoy one who has an ill-sounding name. Khun is okay. Mrs., Tilac, Mia Noy and Khatoy should be avoided.

 

You should not enjoy one who is formed like a male. If youâ??re British, Australian and/or a poof go ahead.

 

You should not enjoy one who has crooked thighs for more than a short time.

 

You should not enjoy one who has a bald head. Particularly if itâ??s because of some real whacked out reason such as sheâ??s a British Darts Pub head butting champion.

 

You should not enjoy one who has been polluted by another for at least an hour.

 

You should not enjoy one who has only two hairs or less on her love mound unless you are prepared for pussy bone.

 

You should not enjoy one who sweats through the bottom of her feet as this will probably really leave a real mess on your toilet seat.

 

You should not enjoy one who stands at the door of the bar yelling â??Hay I no blow job U stand?â??

 

 

WHY A FAT BAR FINE IS BETTER

 

You can be the spinner.

 

No short time towel or two can hide all of her.

 

You donâ??t waste any rented space in the taxi or the short time room.

 

You donâ??t have to waste time telling her sheâ??s not fat.

 

Her big fat ugly nipples wonâ??t be a surprise.

 

They rarely leave footprints on the toilet seat. But check the bathtub rim closely.

 

You donâ??t have to squeeze past anybody to go anywhere. You can just follow her.

 

Nobody is going to be pissed at you because you short timed their bar fine

 

Your girlfriend will believe you when you tell her it was just a sex thing.

 

You wonâ??t be wasting time trying a lot of pretzel sex maneuvers.

 

You will know it when she goes down on you.

 

They arenâ??t spitters or sputters they swallow the last drop of everything

 

You can find new parts and places on her all night.

 

No big surprises in the morning, she will look the same.

 

You wonâ??t have any problem finding her underwear in the morning.

 

TIPS FOR USING LBFMs

The original adult sex toy and pleasure product

 

Lubricate. LBFMs work and look much better with the addition of a ladies drink or two for them and a couple of beer Sings or Mekong Cokes for you.

 

Condomize. LBFMs are share toys. Always use a fresh condom and donâ??t be cheap about her slipping a new one on you during position changes in a three holer rodeo.

 

Clean. Wash your LBFM before and after use. All LBFMs are designated waterproof and specifically designed for use in the bath, shower, pool, ice machine, sauna and under the water cooler. Bring a spare toothbrush for her teeth and nipples.

 

Pre Flight. Inspect your LBFM immediately prior to paying the bar fine. Make sure there are no unexplainable bumps, growths, scars, wet areas, bald spots or clumps of hair.

 

Warning -They Bite. LBFMs have sharp nails and teeth. Oral sex may not be listed under the knowledge, skills and abilities section of her resume. Forcing her into what is considered an unnatural act in Isan may cause some embarrassing shredding and gouging.

 

Warm Up. Its good practice to let your LBFM turn herself on and run for a few moments before utilizing her. You canâ??t just kick start them and itâ??s usually fun to watch one give herself a good warm up.

 

Store Valuables Separately. Never leave an unattended LBFM in the vicinity of a wallet or anything else you donâ??t want them snooping around. Their internal self control mechanisms will corrode under the strain.

 

Location, Location, Location. LBFMS are best used in dark places with no TV, lots of air conditioning, lots of short time towels and plenty of mirrors. This will keep them focused on the task and free from the urge to eat the hideous shit they gorge on.

 

LOLITAâ??S

 

 

L is for Lips and Licks which is what the little bar in the dark shadows behind Soi Cowboy is famous for.

 

O is for Okay if it will only take a few minutes why not let the little sweetheart practice her lip vowels.

 

L is for Laundry isnâ??t something they waste any money on. Just sit down and get ready for the cold handy wipes.

 

I is for Interruptions may occur in your concentration from other clients moaning â??OOH OOHâ?? and the occasional customer service personality asking her client if thatâ??s all there is in their pants or where is the rest of it.

 

T is for Tapping her on the head when its getting close to green light for the yogurt launch is a small warning they appreciate.

 

A is for After you finish they give you a quick once over with another cold handy wipe.

 

â?? is for the small drop that always gets overlooked and you will have to explain to your Tilac later how it got there.

 

S is for Satisfied been there, had that done and was cleaned up feeling you have when they are done with their kneeling work and youâ??re walking down the Soi.

 

A DOZEN SIGNS OF A BAD BANGKOK BAR FINE

 

She has a collection of Double Hump Camel brand Arab condoms in her purse.

 

An accompanying set of name cards from AUA English Teachers is with it.

 

Her take out clothes look like a Michael Jackson neon nightgown.

 

When you pay her bar fine the other Yings line up and clap when she leaves the bar.

 

The taxi driver puts on his SARs face mask when she gets in the back seat.

 

He checks your eye balls with a pen flashlight.

 

At long traffic lights she starts plucking her arm pits and trimming her toe nails.

 

When the barking one eyed Soi dog at the entrance to your hotel sticks his nose in her crotch she grabs its head and holds it there until he wets himself with fear.

 

Behind the bed in your hotel room she finds a pair of panties she left there last month.

 

When she goes into the bathroom to â??Pee Peeâ?? the hotel chemical squad comes in five minute later with a five gallon pump can of disinfectant and a sewer snake.

 

When you tell her you want something special she shows you pictures of two British male AUA teachers helping each other put on their Double Hump Camel condoms in front of a grinning Aussie supervisor.

 

When you point to your crotch for a blow job she opens her mouth and points out two rotting cavities and something that looks like a blue spotted red mushroom growing out of the underside of her tongue.

 

THE LBFM TIME LINE

 

 

Between the ages of 6 and 12 she is like a pain in the ass with the f**king flowers, shoe shine kit and chewing gum for sale.

 

Between the ages of 12 and 16 she is like the fastest thing on earth outrunning rice pickers, tuk-tuk drivers and English teachers.

 

Between the ages of 16 and 18, she is like the virgin jungles of New Asia, hot, steamy and being explored by different eco-tour groups from Japan.

 

Between the ages of 19 and 21, she is like Old Asia, hot, exotic and well explored.

 

Between the ages of 21 and 25, she is like New Europe, completely explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.

 

Between the ages of 26 and 27, she is like Old Europe, exhausted but still with her points of interest.

 

Between the ages of 28 and 29, she is like Australia. Drinks too much and speaks English with an accent.

 

At the age of 30 she is like a Middle East desert with shifting dunes and clumps of hair showing up in strange places.

 

After 30 she is like the United States with a grand canyon and is a pain in the ass organized to support lawyers.

 

After 40 she is like New Zealand. Down on all fours whining like a sheep with nobody but a few drunker than average Australians lining up behind her.

 

 

SUPER SPA SPECIALS

 

 

Mud Treatment: A copy cat of the Dead Sea mud treatment but they cover you with fresh Klong Sludge. The cheap joints may use fresh Soi Sludge. Donâ??t panic if worms and other odd life forms are crawling out of the mud. Most donâ??t bite.

 

Ear Candling: A tampon string is packed into your ear then lit with a Bic flame thrower turned up full blast. This is a copy of the technique of putting beeswax in your ear and then lightening it to help drain out plugged wax. An extension of this special is a butt candle. Some spas turn on a tape cassette of Pagan drum chants while this burns down.

 

Fruit Acid Wash: A copy cat idea of using fresh fruit acid to peel away and remove dead skin. Actually they press the juice of limes taken from the bottom of bar urinals.

 

Hot and Cold Stone Therapy: A copy cat idea but instead of using heated and cooled stones they use your balls. They alternate boiling and freezing them with different towel wraps for an hour or until you pass out.

 

Japanese Enzyme Bath: an extension of the Fruit Acid Wash idea. All of the pressed limes are taken from urinals in the Japanese bars on Silom Road and Sukhumvit Soi 24.

 

Japanese Facial: Energizing technique for your face and scalp which will give you slanting eyes and a raw tuna eaterâ??s face. Better results than the Korean Facial.

 

Police Special: Clients receive a massage and other services and are then paid 10,000 baht to forget about it.

Tea Therapy: Instead of hot and cold towel wraps they tie a cotton string around your balls and then alternately dunk them into hot and cold glasses of water like a pair of overused tea bags. The better spas will use only strings blessed by Buddhist monks and clean bowls that have not been used for ear or butt candle treatments.

 

SHAVING TIPS FOR ISAN BAR BEAVERS

 

Step 1: Determine if the owner-operator is willing or unwilling to have it shaved. If willing go directly to the second step. If unwilling offer her another 500 baht.

 

Step 2: Tie her down securely. A screaming halve shaved Isan Bar Beaver running down the hallway can be tough to catch.

 

Step 3: Start with an Agent Orange crème conditioner to soften up the jungle tangle and wipe out any stray bush critters. Always use rubber gloves and a Sars mask when completing Step 3 and 4.

 

Step 4: Slash and burn. Rinse out the Agent Orange conditioner and rake off as much dead bush and as many bush critters as you can. Follow this with a blow torch on the larger clumps and then cut away with scissors until you reach scrub level.

 

Step 5: Work on the tougher scrub spots with a strong file.

 

Step 6: Cut and scrape. Trim down to bare skin with a contour razor and shaving cream. Watch the blade for nicks. Be careful on the corners, curves, crevices, and cracks.

 

Step 7: Rinse and dry thoroughly. A hair blow dryer is a nice professional touch during this step. This is also a good time to check for graffiti, tattoos and Khatoy scar tissue.

 

Step 8: Touch up and finish off with sand paper. Use a fine grind.

 

Step 9: Baby oil rub. Smooth it out and put a bald babyâ??s shine on her.

 

Step 10: Unite her or not, Up 2 U. But do make full use of the remaining few minutes on your short time or the remaining hours on your long time. You got a Shaved Asian Beaver there. Check back in three days for beaver shadow.

ISAN BULLSHIT FORMULA

 

 

I â?? Isan, the root word of insanity

 

S â?? Shit, prepare for plenty. Isan Yings grew up in it and they can sling it.

 

A â?? Amazing, both the high grade and large amounts of bullshit they will come up with.

 

N- Never ending, it just keeps coming. An Energizer Bunny with depleted uranium batteries will burn out before an Isan Ying when it comes to giving you bullshit.

 

B â?? Baht, there is never enough. Isan Yings are baht black holes.

 

U- U are expected to pay for everything and not give them any bullshit about it.

 

L â?? LBFM, they are all Little Brown F**king Machines. Some are older, some are

younger, some are competitive, some arenâ??t but they are all baht fed machines. The

original adult pay for play toy.

 

L- Little in return. Expect this and you wonâ??t be disappointed

 

S â?? Sex, if and when provided will probably be the best youâ??ve ever had. Then the real bullshit begins when you begin thinking you canâ??t live without it.

 

H â?? Hell, this is where this is taking you so enjoy the ride and the scenery.

 

I â?? Intense, absolutely the most intense living experience you will have outside of armed combat or a regime change. Maybe bad, maybe good but never f**king boring.

 

T â?? Time, it will start with short times, move to long times and become all the time you can spare and all you canâ??t.

TIPS FOR LIP LOCKING LBFMs

 

Smooth Smackers. Chapped and scaly lips are a warning sign of something. Scales can leave nasty small cuts or slices in the worst places. The plumper and smoother the lip the better the kiss.

 

Breath Death. Halitosis Tropicus Siamese Pub or â??Thai Bar Breathâ?? is prevalent throughout Bangkokâ??s Ying population. Make sure she brushes and gargles properly. You donâ??t want to know what she has been eating or what she may have been tonguing out during the last five guys. This is an absolute if she is wearing a Club Eden T-Shirt.

 

Make It Count. With any Bar Fine your ROI (return on investment) should be high. The easiest Yings to guide for good ROI have their hair in puppy dog tails or a pony tail.

 

Check The Stick. The thrill bright red lipstick gives you may not be that easy to clean off and that goopy lip gloss on her lips may not be goopy lip gloss.

 

No Lip Limits. Lips on lips may be the kissing standard in Little Beaver Kansas, but in Bangkok you have a right to expect her to explore other areas as well. Check your bar fine rights and see Make It Count above.

 

Bangkok Beard Burn or Stubble Trouble. If sheâ??s kissing you someplace and it feels like a shaved porcupine is being dragged over your foreskin youâ??ve got problems sailor.

 

Tongue Twisters. Blenders are the spice of life in a cocktail bar. Make sure your lip locking LBFM switches intensity, tempo, duration and depth often to keep things moving for you no matter what she is kissing.

 

Kiss Risk. To bareback or not to bareback? If you live for the moment and worry about what comes next when you get there - there in Bangkok is eventually going to be a VD clinic on Sukhumvit Road.

LBFM DRINK CLUES

 

She orders a ladies drink and receives a glass of Coke or Orange Fanta. Low maintenance professional. Sheâ??s good for anything you want to pay her for.

 

She orders a ladies drink and receives a blender drink with toy umbrella and a plastic naked lady stir stick. Potential pain in the ass. Probably looking to get even with her ex boy friend or steady bar fine. If she orders a second round leave her ass.

 

She orders a ladies drink and receives a glass of Mekong Coke. Hard core Isan. Worth every baht in the sleeping bag. But check her looks close. It may be harder than you think to walk out of the hotel with her in the morning. Check for obscene bar tattoos.

 

She orders a ladies drink and receives a bottle of Coke and a bottle of Mekong. Donâ??t piss this one off she can probably whip your ass and cut your scrogger off before you can yell for help. Look for knife fight scars and watch for an evil grin.

 

She orders a ladies drink and they start bringing over tequila shooters. Bingo you just met the Mammasan. She is capable of paying her own bar fine and raping your ass.

 

She orders a ladies drink and they bring her over a large bottle of beer. Not to panic unless it comes with a straw. This baby can be the best news or the worst news of the night for you. She knows how to party and she may f**k all night or cry all night or do both at the same time. Maybe prone to throwing up. Donâ??t let her stay on top too long.

 

She orders a ladies drink and they bring over a bottle of SPY. Recon the genital geography on this one. She might be a he or else is just going to be a high maintenance pain in the ass telling you how much money the last guy spent on her.

 

She orders a ladies drink and they bring over a Jack Daniels shooter. Donâ??t bother checking the genital geography and plumbing just get up and leave him.

WHY THAI YINGS MAKE BETTER HOUSE PETS THAN SOI DOGS

 

 

They only leave footprints on the toilet seat. They donâ??t usually piss all over the house or drag their ass across the rug or the bed spread.

 

When they bury your bone youâ??ll know where itâ??s at unless you have really pissed one off.

 

They can give you a bath, a massage and scratch your belly and you can share their shampoo with them.

 

When they wag their tail at you it means more than hello and they really mean it when they roll over and spread their legs.

 

Very few go to sleep leaving their tongues hanging out.

 

They wonâ??t stick their nose in your friendâ??s crotch or dry hump his leg when youâ??re in the room unless you ask them to.

 

They can open the refrigerator for themselves and fill their own water bowls.

 

Only a few rare breeds from the big hills behind Chiang Mai will chew your clothes and shoes.

 

They know and can use more than just the doggie position for you.

 

They wonâ??t let you watch them sniff their crotch and lick it clean unless you really want to watch them do it.

 

Most only have two droopy brown Asian Nipples.

 

FARANG SHORT TIME RIGHTS

You have the right to quality. Bar fines should be of a standard that a reasonable Farang with the equivalent of five Mekong Cokes or a six pack of Singhas in them would consider being satisfactory. This covers appearance, safety, durability etc. and any defects must be pointed out before the bar fine is paid.

 

You have the right to fitness for purpose. You should be able to use your bar fine to carry out the functions intended, including all that were specified when the bar fine was paid. You should not have to listen to â??I menh U stand? or I no blow job U stand?â?? after the bar fine is paid. You have the right to expect advance notice when pre-scheduled services can not be maintained or provided.

 

You have the right to honest marketing and a reasonable standard. There should be no real surprises in the bar fines bra or between her legs when you get home. You have the right to expect the contracted agreement allowing access to an original issue rice canoe and other assets will be done to a reasonable standard to your satisfaction.

You have the right to expect any adjustments to be made in the manner most convenient to you. You should not have to make five stops and ten phone calls on your time before she gets down to business. Her picking up her dildo or some Viagra is okay.

You have the right to the same level of intimate support in follow-on bar fines. Just because you took her out once before doesnâ??t mean she can cut back on her service to wash her underwear in the sink and tell you to watch TV while she catches up on some sleep or bleaches her face the next time you bar fine her.

 

You have the right to a reasonable amount of quality time. It is not unreasonable to expect her to use all the contracted time to meet your requirements. Bar fines are the only fast thing about most Thai Yings. 10 minutes ainâ??t an hour. No, â??Wham bam tank U Farang man.â??

 

You have the right to technology. If you want to record your short time on film or disc thatâ??s Up 2 U. Itâ??s especially Up 2 U if she agreed to perform studio work before you paid the bar fine.

 

You have the right to ignorance. If you donâ??t want to know who or how many have bar fined her in the past year, and what she may or may not have accomplished for them you can tell her so and she should shut up about him, her or they.

 

You have the right to your size. If you donâ??t want her to tell you youâ??re the biggest or smallest she has ever had you can tell her so and she should shut about it.

 

You have the right to some confidentiality. You have the right to expect any degrading or unflattering information about yourself be kept confidential and not put up by her on any bar bathroom walls or discussed with the other bar Yings for at least two working days.

 

You have the right not to give a shit. If you donâ??t want to listen about her and her familiesâ?? financial instability you can tell her so and she should shut up about it.

 

You have a right to fair billing practices. You expect final invoices to match proposals and expect to pay these in the short time room just before leaving. You have the right to be informed about extra charges before they are applied to your invoice, unless otherwise stipulated.

 

You have a right to exclusivity. It is not unreasonable to expect that she not accept work from anyone that might be considered a competitor or be negotiating with a potential customer at the same time you are paying for her services, unless you agree in advance. Itâ??s okay for her to advertise but you are her top priority and focus of attention for the moment. She has no business talking shit with another guy or a group of drunk Yings or catching up on ten days of mobile phone calls on your time.

 

You have a right to be educated by her. Youâ??re not a professional and therefore its not unreasonable to expect her to teach you some creative ways to use her contracted services. This includes rubber roll-on and roll-off techniques. You can refuse to be trained to give her head.

 

You have a right to expect her to know about her industry. Youâ??re depending on her professional services and advice. To properly give her services, she must take the time to learn what works and what doesn't for you, and why. You do not have to listen to whining or accept pleas such as â??I no standâ?? or â??I no do before.â??

You have a right to competitive pricing. You may not want her to be the lowest bidder but it is not unreasonable to expect competitive prices in a buyers market. This is particularly true later in your relationship when you may no longer be asking other Yings in the same bar for bids.

You have a right to know if and when she is using contractors. Inviting one or more of her Ying friends along â??for U 2â?? is okay if this means no changes to the basic plan or cost projection. Itâ??s unreasonable to expect every Ying to be able to handle all creative tasks by themselves.

 

You have a right to communicate regularly and freely with her or the right person. If you want to talk dirty, then talk dirty itâ??s your short time. You may also present any compliments or address short comings in the service provided to her Mammasan.

 

You have the right to not tip. If you want to compliment superior quality of service and attention to personal detail its customary to give a Ying a tip. However, tips are not mandatory and you should not reward a piss poor short time. This is â??Up 2 U. â??

 

You have the right to be treated courteously. Tip or no tip you have the right not to be called a â??Cheap Charlie Sum a Bitchâ?? or a â??Bat Manâ?? in hotel lobbies or bars after the short time.

 

THE LBFM CUSTOMER PLEDGE

No Money No Honey.

I Toe U No Money No Honey. U Stand?

U Like?

I No Like/Stop Dat?

I Toe U I No Like Dat.

U Buy Dink.

U Pay Bar

Up 2 U

U no busy me

I no stand, I no do.

I no blow job. U stand?

Money Please, Tank U

Not Now

My English is not well.

U Happy?

Saw lee!

 

So Saw Lee!

 

U Stand?

A BAD BAR FINE

 

A is for Alluring she looked as she spun up and down a bar pole in different athletic poses when he first saw her up on stage.

 

B is for Bar beauty which is what she was in her Go-Go boots and red leather thong with her tits hanging bare.

 

A is for Ass and herâ??s was looking primo and the tits were grade AAA.

 

D is for Do you like what you see her eyes were asking as she watched him stare at her displayed body parts.

 

B is for Bigger and bigger her tits were getting and the bulge in his pants was feeling.

 

A is for Asking her over to his table for a few words about her planned agenda that night and a couple of cold drinks.

 

R is for Rapid when he pulled open his wallet and paid out for her ladies drinks and her take away fee as she rubbed his zipper.

 

F is for Funny feeling he was getting in the taxi to the short time hotel as the driver looked at him nervously and the room attendant winked at him.

 

I is for Investigate her he did when she came out of the bathroom wearing a towel wrapped around her waist and not over her tits.

 

N is for Nuts he found taped up with some other genitalia to one of the guyâ??s legs.

 

E is for Everything should be tried once he told himself as he pulled off the towel and spun the guy around, especially if its paid for and youâ??re horny.

 

SHORT TIME CALORIE GUIDE

 

 

TRAVELING TO THE SHORT TIME HOTEL

 

Walking 100 Calories Taxi 110 Calories

Tuk-tuk or Motorcycle 150 Calories Sky Train 75 Calories

 

GETTING INTO THE SHOWER TOGETHER

 

With consent 120 Calories Without consent 187 Calories

 

SHAVING HER RUNWAY

 

With consent 75 Calories Without consent 750 Calories

With safety razor 250 Calories With buck knife 625 Calories

 

PLAYING WITH HER TITS:

 

With consent 15 Calories With both hands 18 Calories

With one hand 22 Calories With your teeth 85 Calories

Without consent 187 Calories

 

GETTING A BLOW JOB

 

With limited consent 115 Calories

Holding her down with one hand 120 Calories

Holding her down with both hands 150 Calories

Getting her mouth open 200 Calories

Holding her head straight 210 Calories

Without consent 1,870 Calories

Unlocking her jaws when you finish

without consent 2,500 Calories

 

TRYING TO AVOID EATING HER OUT

 

Fighting with one hand to keep your head up 220 Calories

Fighting with both hands to keep your head up 440 Calories

With your head in a leg grip 1,200 Calories

 

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:

 

With an erection 16 Calories

Without an erection 315 Calories

 

 

POSITIONS: 1 LBFM: 2 LBFMs or MORE:

 

Missionary 12 Calories 36 Calories

Poke Poke/Ying on top 44 Calories 69 Calories

69 lying down. 78 Calories 100 Calories

69 standing up 1,112 Calories 2,000 Calories

Wheelbarrow 216 Calories 300 Calories

Doggy Style 326 Calories 510 Calories

Spinner 912 Calories 1991 Calories

Flying Camel 1,444 Calories 1,000 Calories

 

ORGASM:

 

Real Hers 11 Calories Real Yours 320 Calories

False Hers 315 Calories

 

POST ORGASM:

 

Lying in bed hugging 0 Calories (Never Happen)

You getting to the shower first 500 Calories

Looking for your lost condom 816 Calories

Looking for your wallet 715 Calories

 

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:

 

20-29 years 36 Calories 50-59 years 972 Calories

30-39 years 80 Calories 60-69 years 1,300 Calories

40-49 year 124 Calories 70 and over It doesnâ??t matter

 

If you are using Viagra or Piagra 2 Calories

 

DRESSING AFTERWARDS:

 

Calmly 32 Calories

In a hurry 98 Calories

With her kids knocking at the door 1218 Calories

With your girlfriend knocking at the door 3521 Calories

 

SPECIAL SITUATIONS:

 

Operating the camera yourself 200 Calories

Untying yourself 555 Calories

Getting the plastic sack off your head 750 Calories

Not Tipping her, they or them 1,000 Calories

Finding out she is a he 2,000 Calories

 

 

MORE TIPS FOR SAS BARS

 

A Ying should swallow or ditch the chewing gum before entering the service cubicle. Dried gum balls on the walls and floor distract from the ambience and the mood of the moment. It is also very difficult to remove stray gum balls from your pubic hair.

 

The Ying is drinking if she is sucking a small beer bottle from the top down. The Ying is teasing if she is sucking a small beer bottle from the bottom up.

 

Beware of Yings wearing body glitter on their face. This stuff can be more trouble to get out of your pubic hair than a wad of bubble gum and some of it glows in the dark.

 

The Ying is gargling if she is sucking a large beer bottle from the top down. The Ying is showing off if she is sucking a large beer bottle from the bottom up.

 

Excessive vocal encouragements such as â??ON ONâ??, â??Take It - Take It All Babyâ??, â??In Comingâ??, â??Stand In The Doorâ?? and the ever popular â??Donâ??t Stop Bitchâ?? will add to the moments experience and enjoyment for the other clients and anybody walking by.

 

Deep Throat is a great technique but may be very messy if your hostess sneezes, burps or belches in the middle of it. Keep a bar towel handy.

 

Colgate, ice, warm water, and mints are great SAS treats but Bangkok Yings consider them a heathen practice.

 

Fortunately, there are practicing heathens in Angles City on Santos Boulevard. Check with the Nana Travel Agency for departure and arrival information.

 

It is considered more acceptable to ask where the toilet, bathroom, water closet or comfort room is in an SAS bar than to yell out â??Whereâ??s the f**king HEAD.â??

 

 

BANGKOK HANGOVERS

 

Level 1: Not too bad, no real pain, you can function. Bar fine maybe a keeper.

 

Level 2: Youâ??re okay but have a funky taste in your mouth. Check bar fineâ??s panties and bra for any nasty looking stains.

 

Level 3: Sharp pains across your skull with Mekong whiskey flashbacks and eye ball tremors. Bar fine will probably look better after both of you shit, shower and shave.

 

Level 4: Youâ??re a walking head wound. Bar fine smells bad but she has a great collection of bar tattoos. At this level when you hands stop shaking you can drink water.

 

Level 5: You have Singha Poisoning and need tubs of water. Plan to hurt all day. Bar fine has a keeperâ??s body, but a dogs face and breath. Put her tongue back in her mouth.

 

Level 6: Your skullâ??s having an abortion. Bed smells like bar fine pissed in it and her open eye looks like a rotting red grape. The swollen eye looks worse.

 

Level 7: Thereâ??s a bull elephant farting in your head and his slut bitch is pissing in your mouth. The chin choke pack took off when bar fine ate one but youâ??re damn horny.

 

Level 8: A klong sewage diving princess is squatting on your chest and a tuk-tuk is running inside your head blowing carbon monoxide out your ass. Princess wants more oral sex. Claims you paid a weekâ??s bar fine in a Klong Toey slum bar for her.

 

Level 9: There is one tiny ray of good news. The wet Elephant dung on the tip of your scrogger is still fresh enough to be scraped off without a wire brush.

 

Level 10: You smell like shit. Its two oâ??clock in the afternoon and the only human in Bangkok in worse shape is the naked Khatoy sleeping next to you on the shower floor with a broken rubber hanging out his ass. The bad new is youâ??re horny as hell.

SMOKING LIES

 

Its not sex, Bill Clinton says itâ??s not.

 

Before that happens Iâ??ll stop you. I can control it.

 

Hey most American beauty models and movie stars swallow some very day to keep their light complexions and beautiful skin.

 

The warm whitening crème it will produce is a very rare indulgence facial.

 

Itâ??s a dietary supplement that will help you lose weight and keep your figure.

 

One minute, two at most.

 

Youâ??re the first Pooying Iâ??ve wanted to share something this special with.

 

Baby I promise nobody will ever know.

 

This will help develop your English pronunciation skills especially the vowels.

 

Itâ??s good exercise and will make your lips much prettier and healthier looking.

 

It has no taste, a nice fragrance and will make your finger and toe nails stronger.

 

If you want that visa to the United States you have to, itâ??s the law. Those pricks at the Embassy will ask me if you can do it right and I canâ??t lie.

 

No, Iâ??m sorry you have to go first.

 

Okay, 500 baht extra but you canâ??t stop.

 

 

GO-GO YING COSTUMES

 

One piece swimsuit: Isan shy or sheâ??s hiding stretch marks from her tits to her crotch. Worse case sheâ??s a Khatoy.

 

Two piece swimsuit: Hoping you wonâ??t notice the stretch marks and extended third world butt ugly sagging Asian nipples.

 

Panties and bra: New to the job and damn excited about running around in her underwear in front of a bunch of drunk Farangs.

 

Topless panties: New to the job and damn excited a bunch of drunk Farangs want to look at her third world brown Asian thumb size nipples.

 

Bikini: Figured out she can earn more drinks and bar fines with a beach look. Topless means she has nice tits but a bum ass with Isan brown spots and sagging cheeks.

 

Thong and bra string: Figured out she needs a lot more money.

 

Topless thong: Your basic nasty anything goes LBFM.

 

Topless with a short scarf wrapped around her ass: Been there done that. Just trying to make a second hand ass look a little more exciting for the new guys.

 

Any of the above with boots/heels: The taller the heels the nastier she really is. The boots are used to cover up the mosquito, water buffalo and motorcycle scars.

 

Barefoot and naked: Ready to go back to the farm. Knowledge, skills and abilities on resume include bottle opening, frog spitting, rope pulling and dart shooting as core skills.

 

BAR FINE CLICHES

 

Bad bar fines happen to the best of us.

 

Beauty is a matter of taste and your bar fine budget.

 

Beauty is only skin deep on a Ying, ugly goes to her bones, but the really nasty stuff comes from her Isan DNA.

 

The beauty of a Ying is in the eye of the beholder or whoever is paying her bar fine at the moment.

 

You can't tell a Ying by her biker boots, bikini or thong color on a Go-Go stage, but her taste in body shrapnel and tattoos are pretty good indicators.

 

True beauty for most bar fines is only a light switch away

 

I'm only human, the Yings only humanâ?? itâ??s the Mammasan thatâ??s the headache.

 

The devil made me do her and the other two or four as well.

 

Bar fining even a bad Ying is not so bad, when you consider the alternatives in some Bangkok bars.

 

This Yings way of making my life interesting is the chaos, confusion and inefficiency she so skillfully and naturally creates with no effort at all.

 

Everybody has the right to make a few hundred mistakes with Yings in Bangkok.

 

She seemed like a good idea at the time

 

If by chance I bar fine a few dogs, at least I know my intentions were good if not my eyesight.

I will survive this Ying. I am going to have to move and change my name but I will survive.

Every cloud and every Ying has a silver lining unfortunately at the moment itâ??s another clear day in Bangkok.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel and hopefully what ever is pushing it down that tunnel will be big enough to run over her ass.

Midnight is when the real work day begins for most Yings.

There will be another one, another one and another one. Thatâ??s why we live in Bangkok.

All the good ones are already bar fined but they will be available tomorrow.

There are plenty more Yings in Bangkok where that one came from and most of them are arriving at the Mochit Bus Station fresh from Isan.

A bar fine is cheaper than alimony.

Love hurts, fortunately bar fines only cost a few hundred baht.

It is better to have bar fined a bad Ying or three than to never have bar fined at all.

Allâ??s fair in love and war. Short times and bar fines are another story.

It's always darkest before the dawn, except with a bad bar fine because when dawn comes they usually get worse.

Itâ??s whatâ??s inside her panties and who else has been in there this month that really matters.

 

WHY YINGS WORK IN GO-GO BARS

 

The excellent opportunities to meet and interact socially outside routine office environments with exciting men and sometimes women from other parts of the world as well as have kinky sex with deplorable people.

 

The steadily increasing future prospects and revenue opportunities in high demand below-the-line services as well as gaining opportunities to learn how to give head.

 

The innovative incentive packages offered with a strong portfolio of customer satisfaction and demonstrated achievement in inventory roll over and quick turn around operations as well as learning how to shag and speed douche in under 15 minutes.

 

The opportunities to be in on the introduction of spread spectrum reduction technology and other advances in cosmetic dental sex therapy and gender realignment surgery.

 

The improved frequency allocations for commercial intercourse with foreign investors as well as sailors, off shore oilfield drillers, English teachers and the odd cowboy.

 

The insights on opportunity development from old Mammasans for new market and new product distribution network set up and development.

 

The personal challenges of liaising with second and often third parties and managing impromptu relationships to optimize efficiencies and the use of short time towels.

 

The opportunities to become more knowledgeable and experienced in customer service sales such as condom roll on roll off and disposal operations.

 

The opportunities for rewarding business tips on focused investment strategies and high growth opportunities business clients often discuss in entertainment venues as well as discovering the perils and pleasures of anal sex.

 

ITâ??S A BAD DAY IN BANGKOK

 

 

When you offer to buy a Khatoy a drink in a Nana Plaza bar just to be nice to shim and shim tells you no thanks shimâ??s on the rag.

 

When you flag down a taxi in front of the Nana and tell the driver to take you and the bar fine of your life to the Playboy Hotel and he recognizes her as his old Thai Army buddy.

 

When you go into Fannyâ??s Bar and find your Tilac with your favorite Fannyâ??s employee in the corner at the far end of the bar with her panties down getting a 500 baht hand job.

 

When checking the Polaroidâ??s from last night you realize the third world butt ugly hairy ass Ying you canâ??t recognize is you wearing a Go-Go bikini in the Tilac Bar.

 

When walking down Sukhumvit Road you spot a DVD entitled â??Ying Slut Slaveâ?? with a naked photo of yourself and two Yings w/toys from the Eden Club on the cover.

 

When the taxi driver you waived down in front of the Grace Hotel looks like Saddam in drag but the face on the ID picture looks like Ho Chi Minh.

 

When looking into the mirror on the dance floor of the Mandarin bar in Nana Plaza you see Saddam and Elvis smiling back at you from the same beaver.

 

When you wake up with a screaming Ying in bed with her hair on fire and remember the new 500 baht Soi Cowboy Rolex watch youâ??re wearing has a flame thrower option.

 

When you pull on your new Nike golf shirt and realize the Ying you bar fined last night who said you could cum on her tits used it to wipe herself off.

 

When the owner and general manager of Lolitaâ??s is standing outside in line with the customer service squad and is calling out your name and waiving you over.

WHAT YINGS ARE THINKING DURING SHORT TIMES

 

 

Been here done this and cleaned up before. Wish they would fix that spot in the ceiling or at least move this bed.

 

Duh! Next time pick the guy on the right thatâ??s not picking his nose.

 

Mustnâ??t forget to take the little basket of soap and shampoo in the bathroom, the roll of toilet paper and the shower mat will match the new towels Toy brought home.

 

Blow, Blow, Blow ! Donâ??t these guys think of anything else? How about Eat, Eat, Eat?

 

I bet Dang broke the lamp and that looks like Meowâ??s handiwork in the bathroom.

 

Let me guess. Born in Kansas on a farm, spent some time in the Philippines, and has been to Tijuana. Oops, sorry Juarez.

 

â??You drive.â?? I bet he really thinks he made that up.

 

1 plus 1 equals 2. 2 plus 2 equals 4. 3 plus 3 equals 7. SHIT, 1 Plus 1 equals 2.

 

Does he really think itâ??s in there?

 

Oh boy, doggie style, again.

 

Mom needs a new poke poke blender, dad needs a new plow, little brother needs an oil change for the motosai and baby needs a new summer outfit.

 

What in the name of Mother Mekong and Mao The Tongue is this guy tying to do?

 

What am I, a short dick magnet? I got to go to the temple and dump this curse.

LBFM QUALITY CONTROL

Check the statements below that match your LBFM.

 

___ Will have sex in more than three positions in one short time.

 

___ Will devote an entire day to sex and/or sexual activity without bitching.

 

___ Normally loud enough during sex that the neighbors complain.

 

___ Normally tells you who will be on top and when to roll over.

 

___ Doesnâ??t care if her bar fine (he, she or they) praise her performance.

 

___ Will bring you to orgasm if she is on the rag without whining.

 

___ Will perform oral sex without bitching and wanting an extra tip.

 

___ Will tell you she is on her period before you pay the bar fine.

 

___ Never complains about the two of you having sex with another Ying.

 

___ Has never said momma needs money.

 

___ Can act like a virgin.

 

___ Has acted like a virgin

 

A perfect score means youâ??re in big trouble. She is possibly a Khatoy and/or is seeking marriage. Eight to ten means you got a heathen. Four to six means she knows her job. Three or less means you okay sheâ??s your average LBFM.

 

THE BANGKOK DO LIST

 

Do road bait teams on Soi Cowboy try and stop you from going into their bars?

 

Do the Go-Go and Show Time Yings on stage in the Long Gun yell â??shit â?? and come down off stage when you come in the bar?

 

Do you instinctively reach for the fried bug bowl instead of the peanut bowl on the bar?

 

Do the phrases â??My little sisterâ?? and â??My best friendâ?? from your girl friend sound like an invitation?

 

Do all of the Yings at Lolitas waive their little fingers at you when you walk by?

 

Do taxi drivers gather in groups and point at you and your bar fines when you leave?

 

Do the beggars on the Sukhumvit foot bridges give you change?

 

Do you have more than two members of your Tilacâ??s family living in your apartment?

 

Do you get more than one 500 baht hand job a week at the barber shop?

 

Do you have to put up with your Nana Plaza and Soi Cowboy bar fines calling you â??small lizardâ?? even after you get an erection up and standing?

 

Do you have any Thai girl friends with more black hair under their arms than you have?

 

Do bar fines often tell you â??I am damn unsatisfied to be sexed this way.â??

 

If you can or should answer yes to more than three of the above how long have you been in Bangkok and how much longer do you think you can stay?

 

BANGKOK ADVISOR

 

 

My Irish girlfriend wants to anal sex me since I started doing her bum a month ago. What Should I do? Dump her ass and move to Bangkok.

 

My mother says I should settle down get married and stop trying to screw every girl in town. What should I do? Dump her ass and move to Bangkok.

 

I went down on my English girlfriend last week and our London apartment still smells like a Japanese tuna trawler stranded in Manila. Dump her ass and move to Bangkok.

 

My girlfriend says she wants to join the war on terrorism and wonâ??t give me head unless I wear a uniform. What should I do? Borrow a McDonalds shirt and hat, blow her head off and then dump her ass and move to Angeles City.

 

I discovered my wife and her Swedish tit hypnotherapist, Syndra, in bed and they both banged me. Now they want me to jump in with them and Carmen, the Costa Rican maid every night. What should I do? Doâ??em then dump their asses and move to Bangkok.

 

My wife just bought me a new Porsche and I can keep it if I donâ??t screw around on her. What should I do? Screw her on the hood then dump her ass and move to Bangkok.

 

My live-in girlfriend gets mad at me every time I leave the toilet seat in the bathroom up or down. What should I do? Piss on her and then dump her ass and move to Bangkok.

 

My girlfriend says she wonâ??t give me oral sex again after I forgot to say â??whenâ?? one morning unless we get married. What should I do? Do her tits then dump her ass and move to Angles City.

 

My older sisters bring their homely friends by for me to screw after church. What should I do? Bang your sisters and friend then dump all of their asses and move to Bangkok.

WHY MEN PAY BANGKOK BAR FINES

â??No Money No Honey.â??

We can have a flavor of the month/week/day program.

Theyâ??re quick, convenient and disposable.

The different styles of underwear we get to scratch and sniff.

Theyâ??re self cleaning and often clean the bathroom and some laundry.

Theyâ??re tax free.

We can use the 5Fâ??s: Findâ??em, Feelâ??em, (Bar)Fineâ??em, F**kâ??em, Forgetâ??em.

They love posing for pictures and videos without their clothes.

They come in all shapes and sizes with different fixtures and strap on attachments.

Two, three or four of them fit in a taxi or tuk-tuk with no problem.

They know a lot of cute towel tricks.

They like sex or will at least pretend they do for longer than five minutes.

Most donâ??t know the difference between foreplay and four play.

We can put them on top, on bottom, on hold, on the table, in the tub, anywhere.

They know how to roll condoms on and peel them off.

They have great tattoos and scars we can look at and wonder why.

They heat up quick and their flexible.

They are mobile and have all their clothes and makeup in one purse ready to travel.

Each one is a different roadmap to some kind of pleasure.

They come on a short term lease which is a lot cheaper than alimony.

Halve the foreplay or less and triple the sex even on a bad day.

Because we can.

 

THE SHORT TIME ALPHABET

 

A - is the attraction he had for the ass she was shaking.

 

B - is the baht he paid for her bar fine and the three B52â??s she wanted to gulp down in formation.

 

C - is the clothes she put on to leave the bar.

 

D - is the dash they made to the short time hotel.

 

E - is the excitement he was beginning to feel.

 

F - is the fee and the other finances she wanted.

 

G - is the gasp and the good God bitch he gave.

 

H - is the horny her hand on his dick created that silenced his gasp and his thinking no way bitch.

 

I - is the I be first she said when she went into the bathroom.

 

J - is the jump out of his clothes he performed when he hopped into the shower with her.

 

K - is the kink that went out of his dick when he saw her naked little brown ass and the

tight no hair soi between her legs.

 

L - is the liquid soap she started rubbing on him and his little dick without the kink.

 

M - is the moan he was starting to make.

 

N - is the narrow nookie she slipped him into.

 

O - is the â??Oh yeah babyâ?? cry he let out.

 

P - is the pleeze she said when she turned around bent over and said doggie style.

 

Q - is the quick speed they were humping at like water doggies.

 

R - is the reaming she was taking and the ramming he was giving.

 

S - is the silly smile she was giving him looking back over her shoulder.

 

T - is the time bomb that was ticking in his balls.

 

U - is the universe that he up loaded into her.

 

V - is the very good she said to him.

 

W - is the water hose on the toilet she douched herself out with.

 

X - is the eXit she made from the bathroom and back into her clothes.

 

Y - is the why not again he asked her.

 

Z - is the zo zallee she said to him. â??U cum I go, U stand?â??

 

 

THINGS U LIKE TO HEAR

 

An American lawyer on his honeymoon in Bangkok telling how he married a Thai girl in Los Angles and had to pay a large debt for her but she has promised to quit gambling.

 

A Brit trying to pronounce Patayya.

 

The homely bar Ying you just bought a ladies drink tell you she is half Filipina and her specialty is blow jobs.

 

The headboard in your Brit neighborâ??s apartment banging against the wall everyday after the obnoxious bastard leaves for work and the soi tuk-tuk drivers come up.

 

An American TV reporter bragging to his friends how lucky he was to meet his wife on her way to her first night on the job at a bar called the Star of Love.

 

The Ying you bar fined calling her Mammasan on the mobile and telling her she canâ??t do you because sheâ??s afraid your scrogger will kill her.

 

The story of the Roi-et pig farmer who has been pressing pork into the shape of chicken parts and selling super tanker loads of Roi-et Roasters to rag heads.

 

The constantly barking French Poodle at the end of the Soi that shits everywhere finally getting nailed by the Soi dog pack.

 

A knock on the door during a short time in Soi Cowboy and the voice of the Ying in the next room you and your Ying woke up asking if she can join in the bar fine fun.

 

Your buddy calling and asking you to please come down to Nana to take care of the 4ft 6in Isan Go-Go dancer from the Angel Witch he had to bar fine for you so her friend would go out with him.

 

WHAT COULD BE WORSE

 

Than paying a bar fine for the whole night so you can have a slice for breakfast and the Ying gets up and takes off at midnight. A Ying that refuses to leave the next day.

 

Than paying a bar fine and discovering the Ying doesnâ??t know how to put a rubber on for you. Her squeezing a Thai condom (size 2) lubricated with Tiger Balm on your scrogger.

 

Than paying a bar fine and discovering the Ying absolutely will not give you an air start. Having her grab you by the ears and pull your face into her wet, nasty, over short timed, rotten chicken smelling bush before she gets into the shower.

 

Than taking a shower after scrogging a Ying and discovering she has passed out before you could get seconds or even a massage. Having her sitting up in bed eating road kill snacks, drinking a red bull speed cocktail and watching a dusk to dawn Thai TV soap.

 

Than paying a bar fine and as you are walking out the door together she recognizes another customer in the street and throws her arms around him. Having the same customer grab his ass and start yelling â??Khatoy, Khatoy.â??

 

Than paying for an air start and then having the Ying tell you â??sawleeâ?? she has a sore throat and then showing you her bleeding gum scabs. Having her tell you â??so sawleeâ?? and showing you her bleeding gum scabs after the bare back air start.

 

Than sitting down in a Go-Go Bar filled with beautiful Yings and then having the oldest bar bitch in Nana Plaza stake you out as her bar kill for the night. Having her recognize you from a year ago and begin telling all the Yings how good you are at oral sex.

 

Than listening to your bar fine piss for two minutes and then finding her footprints on the toilet seat after youâ??ve scrogged her doggie style. Finding big footprints on the floor aimed toward the wall and piss on the toilet seat, in the sink and on the wall.

 

TWEEZE OR SHAVE

 

Yings that regularly pluck themselves are more easily persuaded to try a little S&M. They are use to pain particularly if they pluck their ear and nose hairs.

 

Razorâ??s come in male and female models, which can cause some Khatoys an awkward moment. Tweezers are a unisex tool.

 

Plucking Yings are more flexible and are use to getting into provocative unconventional positions for those tough to pluck spots.

 

Plucked Asian Beavers will be soft and gentle after three days where as a shaved beaver after three days will have coarse stubble and will need trimming before play.

 

A freshly shaved and well groomed beaver is ascetically pleasing to the eye and touch where as a fresh plucked beaver has the texture and visual appeal of naked chicken skin.

 

Shaving is quicker if youâ??re in a hurry or the Yingâ??s on a quick turn schedule where as plucking is a time consuming operation with eye strain and finger cramps common.

 

Plucking helps Yings with development and practice of appropriate sounds for sex such as â??oh, ohâ?? and â??ouch.â??

 

A slip of the tweezers generally wonâ??t put a working Thai Asian Beaver on workmenâ??s compensation for two or three days.

 

Shaving normally requires warm water, ice and maybe some lotion where as plucking can be accomplished in any bar room climate.

 

Persuading a Ying you would like to shave and trim her for a few extra baht is easier than expressing a fondness for ripping her working hairs out by their roots.

BAR FINES AND ELEPHANTS

The ugly ones can be difficult to sneak out of your apartment or hotel room in the morning and stick in a cab.

They always want you to buy them something to stick in their face.

Neither wears a lot of clothes at work.

The little ones are the cutest.

The older they get the bigger and the uglier they are.

One is all most guys can afford to support.

You canâ??t carry them too far.

Once youâ??ve had one you ainâ??t going back to the regular stuff.

Both will slosh and spill a lot of water around in the bathroom.

Both know how to work a banana.

It can be a real mess to clean up a toilet behind either one of them.

There will always be a noticeable difference between your size and theirs.

The first time you hear one fart it will scare the shit out of you.

Both can suck up drinks faster than you can buy them.

Both are sloppy drunks.

They both leave footprints in the bathroom.

If you donâ??t tip one they never forget

 

BANGKOK BAR BRAGGING

 

 

I screwed her until her toe nails curled up and popped off.

 

I screwed her with my wife beating me on the back and my kids yelling â??Daddy Stop!â??

 

I screwed her little black hair taxi until it was the size of a humvee and just as bald.

 

I screwed her little brown ass through the bed and so far into the floor she gave me a 500 baht tip this morning.

 

I screwed her until she rolled her lips back and came like a dog howling at a full moon.

 

I screwed the brown off her from here to Udorn and back

 

I screwed her until her tuna tunnel collapsed.

 

I screwed her until the Dragon and Zig Zag tattoos fell off the top of her little brown ass.

 

I slapped her Soi Slut on my face and then let her screw it on there all night

 

I screwed her until her nipples swelled up and blew out.

 

I screwed her so hard she couldnâ??t stop spinning off the toilet seat when she tried to take a piss this morning.

 

I screwed her heathen jungle beaver until it looked like a napalmed hooch mouse.

 

I screwed her so hard the smoke scared the chin chokes out of the room.

 

I screwed her until the Chinese moles fell off her face and the wax melted in her ears.

 

I screwed her so long she had to close her east west runway for emergency repairs this morning.

 

I screwed her doggie style so long I caught her pissing on the plants this morning.

 

I screwed her until her little rice cooker was big enough to boil Idaho potatoes.

 

I screwed her until her slant eyes popped open and looked like a pair of CD discs.

 

I screwed her honey klong until it was packed too tight to leak a drop.

 

I screwed her so hard she had to tie an ice pack between her legs to walk to the bus depot this morning.

 

I screwed her from the front until she had to limp to the toilet to piss and then I screwed her from the rear until she could walk straight again.

 

I screwed her little cash register until a low battery signal was flashing in her eyes.

 

I screwed her so deep and hard sheâ??s taking her rice canoe in today to get the bottom patched.

 

I screwed her third world butt ugly and then back again.

 

 

 

HOW UGLY IS THIRD WORLD BUTT UGLY

 

Ugly enough that she has to wash and brush out her underarms every morning and night.

 

Ugly enough the French will tell you sheâ??s not French.

 

Ugly enough to be banned from public view during APEC and other intâ??l conferences.

 

Ugly enough to cause your dick to swing around and point you toward the door.

 

Ugly enough to have her own TV and seating section in the fishbowl tank.

 

Ugly enough youâ??d be too scared to turn the lights off in the short time room.

 

Ugly enough that the chin chokes will move out of the hooch if they catch her scent.

 

Ugly enough her baby pictures are only found in medical books.

 

Ugly enough to have a â??Warning Kevlar Treated Condoms Onlyâ?? tattoo on her ass.

 

Ugly enough that her beaver is wearing a rabies shot tag.

 

Ugly enough to make a Michigan ice fishing masturbation marathon sound like good warm fun.

 

Ugly enough that taping your eyes and nose closed wonâ??t make it any easier to scrog her.

 

Ugly enough to be British.

 

Ugly enough that her tits look like a pair of Agent Orange egg plant experiments.

 

Ugly enough to make an elephant in Soi Cowboy stop and back up.

 

Ugly enough not to need a mosquito net over her jungle hammock.

 

Ugly enough to make a camel spit swapping Arab horny.

 

Ugly enough that she can only visit the Bangkok Zoo during animal nap time.

 

Ugly enough the fried bugs start jumping off the cart when she goes to buy a bag.

 

Ugly enough to emigrate to Australia.

 

Ugly enough to be an Al Qaeda â??Cave Girl of the Monthâ?? pinup.

 

Ugly enough to have complimentary tie downs and duct tape in her bar fine travel kit.

 

Ugly enough she has to carve her own butt plugs and dildos from water buffalo horns.

 

Ugly enough other bar Yings donâ??t ask to borrow her soap or shampoo in the shower.

 

Ugly enough not to care how much beer it took to make you rich and handsome.

 

Ugly enough to be grateful as hell if you do mange to short time her.

 

Ugly enough you will feel it necessary to apologize to your dick and make it up to him.

 

Ugly enough to cause erectile dysfunctions in â??Little Ricky,â?? her Mexican donkey co-star

in the adult video game action thriller â??Viva Thai Tacos II.â??

 

BANGKOK CLICHES

 

If you had time to do her twice, you had time to do it wrong both times.

 

Fast - cheap - good: you can have any one of these but the last two in Bangkok.

 

All good things come to those that wait if the other guys donâ??t pay her bar fine first.

 

Zero is sometimes better than nothing but usually not â?? pay the bar fine.

 

Time is a cure unless you got the clap.

 

Give space to time, and time will fill space. Give money to Yings and Yings will fill your money.

 

One day I will wake up, and it will all fit together. I just hope I donâ??t wake up in the Playboy Hotel with an ugly bar fine when this happens.

 

Time will tell and so will the Ying if you donâ??t tip her.

 

Bar fining is really a process of eliminating options

 

The waiting is the hardest part especially if youâ??ve paid the bar fine, the tip and given her some extra for the clan in Isan and she still hasnâ??t showed up yet.

 

You can't have it all but with a little extra baht she might try and give it to you.

 

When at first you don't succeed, try and try again and then send for the Viagra.

 

When the going gets tough, pay the bar fine.

 

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

 

Q. How much does it cost to take a Go-Go dancer out of a club?

A. About 10 minutes if she has to get dressed.

 

Q. I'm tired of bossy western women. Would a Thai lady be a good choice?

A. YES. A Thai Ying that will cut your dick off in a heartbeat, gamble away your pace maker, and suggest you beat off more often would be a good idea.

 

Q. How well do the women speak English?

A. Well enough to say â??U-No busy meâ?? when you want sex.

 

Q. Would religion stand in the way?

A. NO. These people kneel a lot.

 

Q. I'm older and don't want to have any more children. Would that be a problem?

A. NO. Most of them have a couple of kids they can bring along with them.

 

Q. My last wife took me to the cleaners when we got divorced. I don't want that to happen again. Would you recommend a pre-nuptial agreement?

A. YES. It will give you something to look at after she cleans you ass out totally and wonder why you spent money on something she couldnâ??t read.

 

Q. I'm looking for a Thai wife. Can you help me?

A. NO. Nobody can help anybody dumb enough to be looking for a Thai wife.

 

Q. Can I just write to a few Thai girls until I find one I like and just send for her?

A. SURE. Your success will depend on whose reading your letters and emails to her and creating the bullshit being sent back to you.

 

Q. How long does it take to bring my Thai wife or fiancée back to my home country?

A. NOT as long as it will take to get rid of her after she gets there.

 

Q. I don't need or want a virgin for a wife. Do Thai Go-Go dancers make good wives?

A. NO. And most are lousy dancer and virgins as well.

 

Q. What's to stop a Thai girl I bring back from leaving shortly after she gets here?

A. Locks, keys, ropes - the usual.

 

Q. How does a fiancée visa work?

A. VERY SIMPLE. â??Uâ?? bring her over on a fiancée visa and then â??WORKâ?? the rest of your miserable life to support her, her Thai husbands and her family.

 

Q. Can I bring a Thai lady back to be my housekeeper and occasional sexual partner?

A. NO. You will end up being her housekeeper and occasional sexual partner.

 

Q. Is it true that in Thailand I can find an honest, friendly, cheerful, sexy, and beautiful women to share a special vacation complete with adult entertainment?

A. NO. But you can rent one that will act like that for a day maybe two.

 

Q. Are the women really the most beautiful in the world?

A. NO. But some of the Khatoys look so good you may not care if they still have their hanging tool kits.

 

Q. What is â??Thai-Sexy?â??

A. An advertising slogan to make brown third world droopy thumb size nipples, stretch marks, bad breath and a limited English vocabulary appealing.

 

Q. Do the girls speak English? Will they understand me?

A. YES and NO. Yes, they will understand exactly what you want. No they donâ??t speak much English. Usually about three clipped phrases - â??I no like, I no blow job U stand? and U Pay.â?? The good news is their IQs are going down.

 

[cavanami]

This must hold the record for the longest post!

 

I'll wait for the DVD to come out...

[frede]

Youd do well to copy and paste it then print and read in your own time.

 

My personal feeling is that EVERY male farang should be handed a copy on arrival in BKK.

 

If I could locate the author, I would seek permission to print 1000 copies and distribute free of charge in Patpong, Nana and Cowboy

 

I shit you not Cavanami, if you take the time to read it, as an old hand, Im sure you will agree.

 

 

[bust]

[color:blue]Link[/color]

[Faustian]

I read it, very funny in places. Cheers Frede.

[frede]

[color:blue]Link[/color]

 

Nothing there matey

[frede]

I read it, very funny in places. Cheers Frede.

 

Any time. Its a good read.

 

[Torneyboy]

I thought you were the Master....

 

So frede is the Apprentice

[rchapstick]

Pretty dull Frede. A waste of electrons, IMHO.

[jitagawn]

Duh.