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zen4dummies

Anyone know of a Thai counselor?

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Maybe I misunderstood, I thought zen wanted the counsellor for his lady, not the mother? If he's seeking a counsellor for the mother he has zero hope of success.

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Maybe to stop threatening people with knives and bottles.

 

Mental illness is a problem here - have a case in the wives family and other families I know.

 

Zen - good luck

Mental illness is a problem everywhere....hey my ex is bipolar.

 

I am just wondering if this is a severe case of being pissed off about something Zen's gf did (or didn't). He does mention that the brother has side with her mother.

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It could simply be a case of a pissed off mama, though that seems unlikely. Thai mothers seem to tolerate almost anything from their children. Threatening violence to their own child is very strange.

 

 

 

 

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I appreciate all of your comments.

 

Right Faustian, I want my gf to talk to a Thai that can give her some advice. She keeps telling me that she does not understand why her mother does not like her. The gf can do no right and her brother can do no wrong.

 

I have gotten into a complicated mess. GF left home at the age of 14 because her mother hit her with a thick piece of bamboo every day. She did not have contact with her family for 5 years. GF says that when she was about 7 her mother was sent to a looney bin for a short period of time. The mother also beats up the father when she feels like it. She always talks in a very confrontational manner and at the time I did not realize that when she had the large knife in her hand it was to intimidate.

 

Last Songkran I found out that the brother had been charging me too much for the van we took to the village and besides that I had been paying him 3000 baht for driving. At about this time I found out that gf was sending 3000 baht per week to her mother and 500 to her father out of the 5000 baht weekly 'salary' I give her. I have also been paying for the school clothes and supplies for the brothers 2 older (14 and 16) boys plus their daily 40 baht allowance (school meals, etc). The gf takes responsibility for the youngest nephew, a product of the of the brothers mia noi. I also found out that she was 'loaning' the brother money when he came over and gf complained that he would never repay it.

 

Now then I was angry at being taken advantage of by the brother. He is a chauffer for a Sony executive and his wife manages a clothing store at Central Plaza so there is income. I asked gf how much he contributes to the family and she got evasive, finally agreeing that he probably never sent anything. GF and I talked it over and she agreed that she would give her mother a cut in 'salary' to 1500 baht per week. And at that time she would tell her mother that if she didn't like that situation she would send her nothing and open an ATM account for her daughter and adopted son for their school expenses and personal stuff. I did not mind the school expenses for his two kids but feel that he should take care of his own family.

 

I had seen the abuse before the salary cut came. One night during Songkran the mother was drunk and bounced a glass with ice and lao kao off of gfs head. GF was devastated but uncut. I wanted to leave right then but was voted down. We took the kids back with us for the Songkran vacation and when gf took them back up she gave her mother the news about the salary cut and told her mother to get money from the son. That seemed to go somewhat OK at the time.

 

Now then, the brother is a womanizer and likes to bet on football games and cannot handle money. He recently got his second mia noi pregnant. The farm, with a small house, is in GFs name and the village house was in the son's name. He had debts and the family was afraid the creditors would attach the house so we bought the house from him for 30,000 baht. This would protect the house and he could pay something to the creditors. When I was away for a week recently GF went upcountry to oversee the rice planting. This is when her mother got really abusive, intimidating her with the knife and threatening to hit her with a full (yai) bottle of beer. GF was unintimidated and her mother smashed the end of the bottle off and threatened her with a broken bottle. GF wisely took refuge with the neighbors. The neighbors, some of them relatives, dislike the mother. She is not welcome at their houses and they do not go to see her.

 

Now gf will not answer her mothers phone calls because the verbal abuse she will get. Her brother called her up and demanded that she put the farm in his and their mother's names and told her that they were no longer brother and sister. She does not intend give them the farm.

 

GF was always broke and her salary should be enough for her and her children. When I found out why she was broke I talked her into doing what she did. So far they blame her instead of both of us but it is causing a strain in our relationship.

 

I am going to write Mrs Stick and see if she has suggestions. The amulet sounds good. Since she was in an asylum once maybe she can be returned. And we will definitely try to avoid her and the brother.

 

Mekong..your grandfathers advice has crossed my mind a few times.

 

We are going to Bali for a week and hopefully the maniac will be gone when we get back.

 

Sorry this has gotten so lengthy. zen

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Zen4

 

Don't apologise for the lenght of you post, sometimes it helps to get it off your chest even if only to (to most parts) an annonymous forum.

 

I hope it all works out for you and the GF.

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:spin::spin::spin: .....wow what a mess.

 

Sounds more like alcohol may be a big factor here.

Agree it sounds like some underlying mental issues but could it be the drink that pushes her over.

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What a mess.

 

The mother is unlikely to be psychotic in the traditionally held views of such a thing, but personality disordered. She doesn't have psychotic episodes as such by the sounds of it, but is mercilessly cruel and demonstrates a high degree of psychological disturbance (I wonder what's in her past?). Often when a person has experienced trauma their personality becomes fractured. Shrinks like to call this "split off". The mothers splitting of the son into a good object and the daughter into a bad object is symptomatic of such a state. The mother projects her demons/disturbance (quite literally dumps her emotional shit) onto the daughter....the son can do no wrong. This dynamic can change, but is unlikely to for the foreseeable future and is best left alone by you or others. It is what it is. The mother is beyond help, can't change and wont change.

 

The daughter will have internalised a lot of this, which is where you need to be careful, as it will come your way...via manipulation, lies, deceit (when people process their shit, it gets warped/mutates for a variety of reasons too complex to explain here). It can't go to the mother at this time, as she is the source and the daughters fear of losing the attachment to her mother is greater than her love for you. Tough but true. It is an abusive dynamic/relationship. They are difficult to break, because the daughter is continually seeking love from the mother, but getting pushed away, only to return for more. It's cyclical, like most abusive relationships and cycles are difficult to completely break.

 

On a more positive note it is good to see she has taken a stand at points. There's hope for your lady. She can see the wood for the trees!

 

Mrs Stick might be able to offer some cultural advice, but culture is only a set of rules/behaviours concocted by various people at points in the past, with the original reasons often long since forgotten. People are sheep, they follow blindly, it makes them feel safe....boundaries/cultural mores are maintained by people, for people. Essentially we are all the same under the skin....commonsense is of greater value than any cultural advice on this issue.

 

Now to possible solutions....

 

Your lady needs to break from the family...the mother and brother. She needs to do what she thinks is right, but not pander to their shit (no money, no house to idiot brother)...which she is likely to do...see previous paragraphs.

 

She has you. Perversely you are her strength, her rock, her support, but for this reason you are likely to get the flack/shit, whilst you give her the resolve to continue at the same time. It's perverse because we are dealing with emotional/psychological disturbance....and a breakdown of the attachment between mother and daughter.

 

Now unless she's taken on (internalised) too much of the emotional abuse from her mother, she should be ok. The worry is she will act out her crap...and you will be the unwitting recipient. This will lessen over time, but you could be in for a bumpy ride and even encounter a few obstacles that push you to the limit at points.

 

Remember her desire is to be loved...by her mother, but that clearly isn't going to happen. So she needs to resolve this and understand this. Not easily done, especially in a culture which places such a high value on the close family....

 

But sometimes having no mother is better than having a fucked up one. Sometimes we need to ditch the toxic relationships and get control over our lives....this she needs to do....

 

But will she...?

 

A third party would be advisable, so she can take this crap elsewhere....and not onto you and your relationship. There are counseling services available for Thai's but I don't know any I could recommend. I think Thai Visa has some sort of list someplace. I also don't know how good they are in this country. I suspect not great....even in the west most shrinks are shit.

 

I hope this is useful in some ways. There's lots more I could write, but it will turn into a hideously long piece and I'm not sure of how much will be understood. I've used quite a bit of technical jargon as it is.

 

Please let us know how things progress. You have my best regards and I wish you luck. You are entering a minefield.

 

Just remember to keep stable yourself, be consistent and give her lots of love and attention, but the right kind of attention. Don't be bullied, watch out for deceit and look after yourself. There are positives in amongst all the crap. She might well end up being sorted out and happy. She might not, but if you are prepared and able to ride out the crap, you and her should be fine. It might just take a while.......

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I appreciate all of your comments.

 

Right Faustian, I want my gf to talk to a Thai that can give her some advice. [color:red]She keeps telling me that she does not understand why her mother does not like her[/color]. The gf can do no right and her brother can do no wrong.

 

 

The bit in red relates most closely to my long post. What a good therapist will help her understand is that it isn't her fault or anything to do with her. The responsibility is all the mothers, none hers.

 

"You can't choose your parents".

 

This is a very painful realisation for most. The hurt, rejected child has now become an adult. This bit is unresolved. This is the hurt and rejection you will experience at you, from her. It has to go somewhere...a therapist will take this on via a process called transference. You can't and shouldn't do it...it will destroy your relationship.

 

As I said before, she can get through this. It's very doable. However, the world is full of people with shit like this...and very few of them realise it and even fewer do something about it.

 

Seek out a professional therapist, not a counsellor.

 

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Zen4

 

Don't apologise for the lenght of you post, sometimes it helps to get it off your chest even if only to (to most parts) an annonymous forum.

 

I hope it all works out for you and the GF.

Thank you Mekong, Torney, bust and Faustian.

 

zen

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