Stuck in a rut... What to do?

[incognito]

Hi guys,

 

Not a troll, just created this "incognito" account for this conundrum.. I've been a member here for almost 10 years, and have met countless others through here in what were some of the best years of my life who I consider great friends and to be honest I am a little embarrassed but need some advice.

 

Living in farangland with a great girl (farang) who I consider to be one of my best mates, she has been an awesome girlfriend in the past, is amazing with my son, has a heart of gold and is a real gem of a person. The only negative... is us. She's been very distant the past 6 months, maybe longer, and her only focus seems to be doing the mundane things we all need to do (cleaning, cooking, catching up with others etc..)

 

We've talked about it, and she agrees. As far as affection and sex goes - well, it just hasn't happened for ages. Heading towards the end of July now and I think maybe 3 or 4 times this year, and none of them were as 'special' as it used to be.. basically, without getting too graphic, she'd enjoy it until she climaxed, then lay back as I finished.

During our talks she's blamed her lack of energy, depression (which she does suffer, has since I've known her) and her oft used phrase, "I just can't be bothered".

 

I've given up trying it on in the bedroom, since I haven't been successful in over a year and after a while it's heartbreaking. A bit over a week ago it was our 2nd anniversary, 2 days later she was off for a trip interstate with the girls. The night of the anniversary and the night before she left were the same as any other night. By the time I'd brushed my teeth and turned out the lights she was asleep with earplugs in and a facemask on with her back to me. I wrap my arms around her and nothing. Kiss her - nothing. Called her when she was away - nothing, just a run down on how her friends and their kids who she was visiting are and what they were up to that day.

 

Conversly up until a year ago she was the same girl I knew for so long before. Great fun, up for a laugh and a drink, always wanted it, and showed great affection to me/us. Loved LOS. Now I simply don't know what to do.

We've talked about trying different medications for libido and possible vitamin deficiencies, but never seen a doctor about this.

 

Part of me says to call it a day, I've had numerous chances with other girls since this all started, but done nothing. Maybe she's hoping I'll call it off, since I don't think she knows how to bring it up. I am worried she'll fall into deep depression if I do so though, she does rely on me for some things (emotional support mainly, and stability in her life). The other part of me says stick with it, things may get better soon.. although I somewhat doubt it, she seems content with the way things are. An old mate described his similar predicament years ago as watching a car crash - it all seems to go in slow motion, but there's nothing you can do to stop it.

 

A bit about us.. she's 4 years younger than me, I'm in my mid 30's, and without being pig headed, not a bad lad. Looking in the mirror I can't see what I've done wrong, I've always respected her, treated her right, her parents love me, my family love her, regularly buy her flowers, jewelery, and lingerie (some of which she hasn't even worn) and shown her a good time.

 

Sorry if this has been a bit long winded, getting desperate and simply don't know what to do. Any advice will be appreciated. Got to go, the bo has just woken up... thanks in advance.

[Hugh_Hoy]

Have you considered that she may have found another "significant other"?

 

HH

[incognito]

yes, it's definately a possibility, there's likely another lad interested (her ex used to contact her quite a bit, I'm sure there are others sniffing around), though I think knowing her she would do little more than flirt with others while we are still together but who knows?

[ozpharlap]

Hey HH, where is the love.

 

It happens very often, and I have heard this story many times over.

 

Life is short, for both you and her, and you should enjoy all of it, it is precious. Once a flame goes out, it is gone, maybe, in another setting, another day, you can walk by and the flame will magically reappear, however, it will not whilst no change in your lifestyles has been made.

 

My advice is, leave, or both of you pack up and go to an Asian country where you can both get your rocks off. Unfortunately, women, with their family connections are unlikely to take this option.

 

I give advice to many clients, who invariably fail to take this advice. Women make up their minds to leave 1-2 years before it happens, men usually don't accept it until 1-3 years after it happens (the split). Devise an exit strategy, and leave within 4 months, and leave amicably. Tell her, your still young, and there is lots of life in front of you, it is silly for us to waste another 5-10 years and leave it to late.

 

This is the modern world. Life is too predictable, stereotyped and thus boring.

 

Farangs in Asia, which is young, and lots of youth around you, and most of them being free spirits do not appreciate how lucky they have it (but probably do lol)

 

[cavanami]

Hormone imbalance?

 

She sounds a bit young for this, but maybe? for sure, many older women behave as she is doing due to the imbalance.

 

See a doctor, blood tests, etc.

[Coss]

JMHO

 

Move on.

 

Speaking as one who has done the "honourable thing" and stuck by miwimee for the last 16 years through all sorts of crap with no sex or affection, move on or stay in the rut like me.

 

Sorry to be so negative.

 

Coss

[shygye]

Grow a set of balls and move out. Don't stay and be her "girlfriend".

[incognito]

sorry to hear that coss, maybe the best advice, pharlap too.

 

cav - she does have hormone probs, and a lot of trouble with related imbalances, psychological issues (mainly depression) and puts off seeing doctors and psyches due to her lack of motivation.

 

When these issues do come up in conversation she apologises, though I don't blame her for the issues - she does, and invariably is reduced to tears after a few seconds of talking.. becomes incoherant, sleeps a lot, stays depressed for 1-2 weeks and doesn't talk about it again, unless I bring it up (which I don't) and the depression starts again.

 

 

[rookie]

... We've talked about it, and she agrees. As far as affection and sex goes - well, it just hasn't happened for ages.

 

FWIW...

You may 'talked about it'...but were both of you _really_ communicating your respective desires, wants and needs to the other person?

 

Before just bailing out of a relationship I'd suggest that both of you see a MFCC-marriage & family counselor. Ask your respective friends if they know of a good MFCC and have at least few sessions. Sometimes it's easier for a 3rd party to have perceptions of what each person is really saying and can redirect the communication so each party better understands the other.

You might consider using a female MFCC, if your gal is resistant to seeing a counselor.

You have nothing to lose seeing a counselor and likely will gain some insights which will either help reinforce/redirect the existing relationship or ease the path to dissolving it.

 

Been there, done that...and it was a good learning experience for both of us.

[cavanami]

When a person gets into a depression, it can be really tough to get thru it!

There are many things to help but the depressed person must take the first step, which is the first tough part.

I have read of people that beat depression via jogging, exercise, etc.

 

Best wishes to both of you.