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GENTLEMEN. Upon leaving your favourite adult store into a busy street, affect an expression of utter shock, just in case


OWNERS OF mouse circuses. A Toblerone bar makes an ideal bike rack for your display team's motorcycles when they are not in use


OLYMPIC commentators. Inform the audience how old the female gymnasts are before they start their routine, thus preventing any illegal thoughts involving their flexibility


NEED TO measure an alligator but only have a school ruler? Simply measure the distance between its eyes in inches, to give its overall length in feet.


ASTHMATICS. Avoid going on holiday to places where the scenery is described as breathtaking


OLD PEOPLE. Attach a sweeping brush to the front of your mobility trolley. Now, instead of being a menace on the pavements, you can provide a valuable service to your community.


OLD PEOPLE. Each night, go to sleep in the recovery position, potentially saving paramedics valuable time


MOURNERS. Read the dress code instructions on funeral invitations very carefully. Sombre, whilst being only 2 letters away from sombrero, is a world apart in tone

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