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A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

 

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

 

'You talk?' he asks.

 

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

 

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

 

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

 

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

 

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.

 

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On similar lines, but this is true.   MLG wants to send a small parcel to the USA from NZ. OK Wrap it and we're off to the post office. Post it in Mid December. No tracking, too expensive.   After

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As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.

 

Shocked, she asked,"What in The world are you doing?"

The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

 

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

 

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, ."Dad, I'm

thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll

ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

 

A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping trip, placed the

groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming

from, of all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

 

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

 

The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?"

The husband replied, "I am a 55 year old father with a 35 year old unmarried daughter. What the hell do you think I am doing? I'm watching Football with my son-in-law. Please bring us another beer"

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A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man.

The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a Torah scholar." he replies.

"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

 

 

 

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What were Tiger Woods & his wife doing out at 3:00 a.m. in the morning?

- They were Clubbing.

 

Tiger's new movie is out: 'Cringing Tiger, Hidden Hydrant'.

 

Apparently the police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him.

- She said "I don't know exactly, I wasn't counting …6 ...7...8 maybe ...... put me down for a 5."

 

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can't drive a car longer than 300 yards.

 

Ping just offered Elin Woods an endorsement contract pushing her own set of drivers. They are said to be named Elin Woods…â€ÂClubs you can beat Tiger with.â€Â

 

About Golf: What is the penalty for getting it in the wrong hole?

- Ask Tiger, he knows.

 

Elin's excuse? She had to play a bad lie.

 

What exactly is the par on a Cadillac Escalade?

 

Why did Tiger Woods hit a fire hydrant and a tree?

- His caddie wasn't there to help him decide between an iron and a wood.

 

Tiger Woods apparently is giving up pro golf. He was rumored saying 'My putting is still good, but I keep driving into the trees.'

 

Why did Elin Woods use the 9 iron to bust out the rear window?

- Because she has been having problems with the driver.

 

Comment by Tiger Wood's neighbor on Elin's behavior: "All I can say is that I haven't seen anyone swing a club so hard after a running start since Happy Gilmore!"

 

Tiger has been dropped from the Ryder Cup team because his terrible record of being beaten by Europeans continues.

 

Tiger just changed his nickname, but still kept it in the cat family. His new name? Cheetah.

 

I made it out of my driveway this morning, now I can finally say that I can outdrive Tiger.

 

What do Tiger & his wife have in common?

- They both try to hit his balls as hard as possible.

 

... and the overall favorite…

 

"I don't know what set Elin off. All I said was, "Rachel has a much a tighter grip.'"

 

 

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New sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

 

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

 

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

 

After months of careful research, MALE &FEMALE Procedures have been developed.. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

 

************ ********* ********* *

 

MALE PROCEDURE:

 

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

 

 

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

 

What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth!

 

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up..

6. Attempt to insert card into machine...

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8.. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt..

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone..

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

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