Torneyboy

Nice one :thumbup:

Excellent :thumbup:

Jock

Sick

Nice one

No harm done

The goalie ..classic

One of your better ones :thumbup:

A Scotsman goes into an Irish pub and asks the barman.

"can you tell me the quickest way to get to Dublin"?

The Barman asks "Are you driving or walking"?

The Scotsman answers " Driving"

The Barman says ...that's the quickest!..

oops

Excellent

yes

Well done

A man is walking in the city when he is accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking tramp, who then asks for a couple of pounds for dinner.

 

The man takes £2 out of his pocket and asks: "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"

 

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the tramp says.

 

"Will you use it to gamble?"

 

"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

 

"Will you spend the money on green fees at a golf course?"

 

"Are you mad? I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

 

The man says: "Well, I'm not going to give you £2. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific meal cooked by my wife."

 

The tramp is astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

 

The man replies: "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling and golf."

The man replies: "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling and golf."

Thanks..funny

More so if Thai..

Sad ..but true

Nice one :thumbup:

Excellent :thumbup:

Well,' she explained, ' one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Scots,'

Very good ...you sure you didn't change Scot's..

Aaaah, the memories.....money well spent and will remain in my wank bank forever.

 

I need a new quest

Triplets?

torney - come on help out the poor bloke - he can't find the main cast - volunteer!!!

I am fully booked

Oh dear

They are top notch clobber down here....

I love this one:::

Election Joke

Kevin Rudd called Julia Gillard into his office one day and said, "Julia I

have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters.""

Good idea Opposition Leader, how will we go about it?" said Julia."Well,"

said Rudd, "we'll get ourselves one of those Driza Bone coats, some RM

Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat, oh and a Blue Cattle dog.

Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a typical old outback country

pub, we'll show we really enjoy the bush."" Right ,"said Julia.

Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Blue heeler, they set off

from Canberra in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at

just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub. Walked

in with the dog and up to the bar."G,day mate," said Rudd, to the bartender,

"two

middies of your best beer.""Good afternoon Opposition Leader," said the

bartender, "two middies of our best coming up".

Gillard and Rudd stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting,

nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a drink. The dog

lay quietly at their feet.All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar

opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stockwhip. He

walked up to the Cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked

underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few

moments later, in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to

the dog and, lifted it's tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and

went back to the other bar. Over the course of the next hour or so another

four or five stockmen came in and, lifted the dogs tail and went away

looking puzzled.

Eventually, Rudd and Gillard could stand it no longer and called the Barman

over."Tell me," said Rudd, "why did all those old stockmen come in and look

under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?" "Strewth no!"

said the barman. "It's just that someone went 'n told 'em there was a cattle

dog in this bar with two arseholes!"