candyfloss

I recently met a lovely Lebanese lady.

We get married next Tuesday.

She speaks good English, she's very presentable, she cooks, she cleans, and the nookie ain't too bad.

No-one can say the Lebanese are fat, lazy and ugly.

This is a warning to men who may be regular Tesco or Asda customers.

Over the last few months I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

Simply going out to get a few odd's and ends has turned out to be quite

traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your

friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two very hot 25-26 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing

your shopping into the boot. They both start wiping your windscreen with a

rag and Windex, with their huge breasts almost falling out of their skimpy little

T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you

for a ride to another store. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the

way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat

and starts crawling all over you, playing with your erection through your trousers, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen on April 2nd, 4th, 6th, 7th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 12th, 17th, 20th &

24th. Also May 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 9th, twice this morning, and it's very likely to happen again this coming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

Uncle Kev is dead.

It is with a profound sense of sadness that I must advise the Board Members that my Uncle Kev has passed away.

He was hit by an Irn-Bru truck on his way to the Bookies.

He leaves behind an Auntie Betty, and an impressionable young nephew.

He was a visionary. An enlightened soul, ahead of his time. A selfless and tireless humanitarian, whose only purpose was to serve.

I'm now on the lookout for a replacement Mentor.

Munchmaster?

Hello Mr / Mrs Mekong - are you a Thai girl? Would you turn your nose up at a medium-sized cock?

Contrary to my Uncle Kev's advice, I've decided that Thai Girls are lovely and that I'd like to meet one and forge a lasting relationship.

How does one go about this? Should I relocate to the Land of Smiles and learn da lingo? How long does it take to obtain one?

I have few prospects. And only a moderately sized cock. Is this enough?

My Uncle Kev would of course come and visit.

Hee Hee. Ha Ha. Ho Ho. Arf Arf. Snigger Snigger. Tee Hee. What a hoot. A cracker. A belter. :) :) :biggrin:

But No.

My Uncle Kev says Wikipedia represents a simplistic refuge for a new-generation of IT-literate lazy people with no intellect or capacity for true study and research.

My Uncle Kev also has a big cock.

My Uncle Kev says the problem with the Thai language is its difference to the English language.

He says everybody should just speak English. As this would avoid any misunderstandings.

Hoo. Hoo. I'm still laughing. Any others?

My Uncle Kev agrees that he has some outstanding leadership qualities.

He says he has lots more to say - if only people would listen.

But he says never to listen to women.

I'd say that's more of a "bell-end". Good try though

GENTLEMEN. Upon leaving your favourite adult store into a busy street, affect an expression of utter shock, just in case

OWNERS OF mouse circuses. A Toblerone bar makes an ideal bike rack for your display team's motorcycles when they are not in use

OLYMPIC commentators. Inform the audience how old the female gymnasts are before they start their routine, thus preventing any illegal thoughts involving their flexibility

NEED TO measure an alligator but only have a school ruler? Simply measure the distance between its eyes in inches, to give its overall length in feet.

ASTHMATICS. Avoid going on holiday to places where the scenery is described as breathtaking

OLD PEOPLE. Attach a sweeping brush to the front of your mobility trolley. Now, instead of being a menace on the pavements, you can provide a valuable service to your community.

OLD PEOPLE. Each night, go to sleep in the recovery position, potentially saving paramedics valuable time

MOURNERS. Read the dress code instructions on funeral invitations very carefully. Sombre, whilst being only 2 letters away from sombrero, is a world apart in tone

That Sounds Offal

Ha Ha. That's Brilliant. Offal. Awful. Gettit? Ha Ha. Ho Ho. Superb.

I'm sure we've all used a fake penis once in a while. I know my Uncle Kev has.

My Uncle Kev

He's Sixty-Nine;

But looking Fine;

He runs a Pub;

And a Club;

He goes to Spain;

To Entertain;

And comes back-again;

He likes the Footy;

And the Booty;

He smokes his Fags;

And reads his Mags;

My Uncle Kev;

Isn't really my Uncle

Who does the housework? Uncle Kev of course. But there was no "My Uncle Kev" button on the Poll.

For the avoidance and removal of doubt, please note that K&M Massage does not mean Kev & Me Massage. Even though our initials (that's Uncle Kev and Me) are the same. Please also note that If we did run a Massage Parlour (that's me and my Uncle Kev), nookie would most definitely be on ze Menu.

For the avoidance and removal of doubt, please note that Big Kev is no relation to my Uncle Kev.

I'm just back from 2 weeks in Northern France with Uncle Kev. I've lots to report. But let me start with this juicy one.

We went out for Italian Food one night. The 8th July I think it was. A nice little neighbourhood Bistro. Sitting across from me was a French Guy. He looked about 60. He had a Thai wife. Or Partner. She looked about 40. He had some sort of Pasta dish. Times 2. She had a Salad. They left just as my Margarita Pizza arrived. Can the Readers guess what happened next?

I've got an Uncle Kev. He's nice and he's clever. Mostly. He's got a big beard. And a big knob. I was wondering...do any other Readers have an Uncle Kev? Or a big knob?

Although my Uncle Kev says never trust a man in a uniform.

He looks like my Uncle Kev. Same Hat.

Except for Brian Leader, our local postman. My Uncle Kev says he was born a Leader.

My Uncle Kev says No. No man is born a Leader.

My Uncle Kev says there are a lot of ladies in Thailand who aren't really ladies.