Bangkok Phil's Mom and Dad Come to Town (part one)

[Guest]

And so Mom and Dad arrived on the 21st December planning to spend seven days in the capital followed by a week in Chiang Mai. My Mom and Dad have now reached their 60’s and have been to Thailand three times before. They’ve done the Grand Palace twice, the River Kwai twice, Wat Arun twice, the Erawan shrine, Patpong, Soi Cowboy, etc. I’m sure you’ll sympathize with me when I say that trying to plan a seven-day schedule for their time in Bangkok was far from easy. Normally they might like to spend a day lounging around the hotel pool but since they retired to live in Spain three years ago, lounging around a swimming pool has become a way of life.

They say that the world’s population consists of two sorts; the early airport person and the late airport person. Being very much in the early airport category I found myself at the Dusit Thani hotel with a ridiculous amount of time to kill while awaiting their 9am arrival. And for the next two hours I was subject to inquisitive looks from the immaculately dressed staff. Killing time in a Thai first-class hotel is always tricky. I refuse to pay 120 baht plus government tax for a cup of coffee and yet you can’t sit on a sofa without a pretty girl asking if you’d like a drink, and you can’t wander around the foyer without a gentleman in a black suit enquiring if you need a hired vehicle. You tend to smile sweetly and say “no thank you” when you really want to say “f*** off and leave me alone”.

Mom and Dad eventually arrived in an airport limousine looking exactly like you would expect two 60-year olds who have traveled 26 hours from Alicante to look – absolutely knackered! The only thing on the agenda as far as they were concerned was getting their head down for a few hours.

Which brings me to one of the dilemmas you have to face when entertaining your elderly folks for a week in Bangkok. You are left with the most awful ‘limbo’ periods. You become a victim of geography as you realize that going home and coming back to the hotel is going to take up 2 hours of your day. You’re left with no alternative but to either hang around the hotel lobby or amble down Silom Rd, which I decided to do on this occasion.

When I returned to the Dusit Thani at 5pm, the folks were showered, refreshed and ready to hit the town. Unfortunately this is the time of day when the workers are pouring out of their office buildings by the thousand and the last thing they want is to get trapped behind three people dawdling up Silom Rd stopping periodically to point at sky-trains and buy pineapple. I felt as though the whole world was breathing down our necks.

It occurred to me that Silom Road has two major faults. Firstly, there are no litterbins or ashtrays. My Mom and Dad probably both fall into the heavy smoker category and I could see that holding onto the nub end was causing them mild distress. How can you impose a fine of up to 2,000 baht for dropping litter when there are absolutely no f***ing bins between the Dusit Thani hotel and Sala Daeng sky-train station. I desperately wanted to put that question to one of the lets-play-at-being-a-policeman litter officials, but as you’d expect, rather like the bins there were none around.

The second grudge I have against Silom concerns its lack of international restaurants for a small group of people looking for an international menu. You have O’Reilly’s pub near Patpong if you want some overpriced Guinness pie and the chance to rub shoulders with English yobbos on holiday. Next to that is a Mexican restaurant, but Fajitas and Burritos are not what you want on your first night in Bangkok. Then there’s the depressingly dull S&P Bakery, the usual spread of fast food shite, and loads of uninviting Thai noodle shops. However, remembering that Mom and Dad now live in Spain and are subject to paella, calamari, and other dishes that make up one of the world’s most boring cuisines, I suggested the Toby Jug pub for a bit of English home cooking. And let me say now that I’ve never before seen two people attack sausage and mash and steak and kidney pie with such gusto. Not exactly the first night exotic meal I had in mind but it would fill a gap.

There was one incident that soured what was otherwise a fairly enjoyable evening. After a hearty meal at the Toby Jug, we took a stroll down Silom Rd to have a look at the fake goods on offer. Mom and Dad had brought a ‘wants list’ from their friends in Spain which to use an old cliché was ‘as long as your arm’. Just past the Patpong night market, I noticed a stall selling long-sleeved designer shirts with the Guess label. Sensibly priced at 250 baht, I stopped for closer inspection. All of the shirts were folded and packed in polythene bags and I did something which I instinctively do when I’m faced with a display of nice-looking men’s shirts. I put my hand inside the poly-bag and fingered the collar. Nothing too aggressive, but I like to ascertain whether the collars are stuffed with paper or proper fusing. The seller, an overweight, unattractive woman in her late 40’s, went totally ape-shit. Her face went a shade of crimson. She wagged her finger at me. She shouted at me. And then she shouted some more. I just stood there bemused and couldn’t understand what I’d done to incur such wrath. She was furious. The only saving grace was that my companions had walked on ahead and were now engrossed in CDs on a stall some 30 metres away. Fortunately I managed to keep a cool head and just walked away. Had I been alone I have no doubt that the seller would have got it with both barrels, probably a couple of words of Anglo Saxon with the finger thrown in for good measure.

As I sat in Starbucks coffee shop with Mom and Dad, I fell strangely quiet. Mom and Dad didn’t push the issue but the incident was weighing heavily on my spirits. When I climbed into bed later that evening, it did cross my mind to get dressed again, take a taxi back to Silom road, locate the seller with an even bigger mouth than mine, and punch it for her. As you may gather, I was more than a trifle upset.

Sat 22nd

With my girlfriend having to organize her office Christmas party, the responsibility of being ‘mein host’ fell squarely on my shoulders. The folks wanted to do the weekend market, in fact it’s at the top of their ‘must see’ list.

The girlfriend was a mite worried because my navigation of the weekend market always leaves something to be desired. I seem to walk around in circles and miss out on all the interesting parts. People come back from the market and tell me about strange animals, exotic fish, and pungent foods and spices. I tend to get lost after 5 minutes and spend half the day perusing artificial flowers and t-shirts priced at 3 for a hundred baht. It always makes me feel gloomy and irritable. In reality I did very well today. I was able to show Mom and Dad all the hi-lights of Chatuchak market with considerable authority, even choosing a very nice café in which to have lunch. On top of that, my bartering skills looked to be in very good shape.

After dumping our purchases back at the hotel, we had a quick scoot around Robinsons department store on Silom Road. I’d forgotten what an awful branch of Robbos it really is. I thought the Victory Monument branch sucked but the Silom store is just as cramped and has just as many shop assistants who look desperate for sales and commission. There was one memorable moment however. I don’t know who they were or where they came from, but on the ground floor a group of Thai children had assembled to entertain the shoppers with some Christmas songs. But these were not crappy renditions of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and Silent Night. The kids were dressed in Latin American ponchos and sang traditional Inca folk songs. I stood there mesmerized. I had never heard anything so gorgeous and it was criminal that only a handful of people were there to see it.

Sunday 23rd

This promised to be a very interesting day. We were going to see the Ancient Village in Samut Prakarn, but before that we were going to drop in on my girlfriend’s mother and take her a Happy New Year basket of fruit. Mom and Dad were both looking forward to seeing inside a traditional Thai household and I had briefed them well – this is not Spain so don’t try and kiss her mother on both cheeks while delivering an affectionate bear hug.

Very glad to say that Mom and Dad were on their best behaviour and we didn’t come anywhere near to being thrown out. We looked politely through photo albums and nibbled on fruits and biscuits without making pigs of ourselves. I think the girlfriend’s mother was impressed because she insisted on taking us all out for lunch.

We repaired to a very popular Thai restaurant in Samut Prakarn, one that is loved by the older generation of Thai-Chinese. It has an enchanting outdoor dining area where you can sit and eat your fill to the sound of a gurgling water fountain. Alas, the outdoor dining area had been booked by a wedding party and so we were shepherded to an indoor section which reminded me of a works canteen. The only things missing were topless pictures of Samantha Fox and a machine for the staff to clock in and out with. It was quite frankly depressing. Not only that but the waiters and waitresses looked like something from a circus freak show. There was a bearded lady, a man with one arm, and a girl with bushy sideburns. Any hint of an appetite totally disappeared as the bearded lady spooned my rice onto a cheerless sky-blue plastic plate.

I hadn’t been to the Ancient Village for about six years, but it was far better than I remembered it. What a pity that the nearby (and utterly crap) Rose Garden and Crocodile farm get all the tourist traffic.

The park was virtually empty even on a Sunday. It takes a good 2-3 hours to walk around and browse at all the fabulous reconstructions of Thai temples and artifacts. There’s even a mock-up of an old trading village although I don’t think the wooden man with the outsize pop-up willy got many buyers 200 years ago. That said, everything is very well sign-posted with commendable English grammar. Someone still needs to be told that we don’t make a plural by sticking the letter S on every single noun, but I’ll let that one pass.

The only downside to the ancient village is the state of the toilets. They are a disgrace. Every cubicle looks like they’ve just been vacated by someone who’s had a shit standing on their head.

After another fine Thai meal at Bobby’s Arms in Patpong (Fish and Chips I think it was), we were all eager to sample the delights of the Silom Road festival.

For the previous five weeks Silom Road had been pedestrianized and the whole stretch had been turned over to cultural displays and street-sellers. It had been reported in the Bangkok Post that the event was attracting more than 100,000 people. I have no doubt that there were that many people here on this occasion because negotiating the stalls and sidewalks was bloody murder. Silom was one seething mass of humanity, and they were there for what? All I could see was a bunch of unorganized dancing displays and hundreds of people selling crap that wouldn’t even go at a car-boot sale. I have an ongoing theory that in the entertainment stakes, Thais are very easily pleased. They will go for anything that entices them away from the Sunday routine of window-shopping in a department store or seeing the latest flick at the movie theatre. The Silom festival further substantiated my theory. At one particular stage, there had been a display of ballroom dancing. During a brief interval, two teenage boys had got up on the stage and started, for want of a better expression, pratting about. They were basically taking the piss out of the older dancers by trying to carry off the waltz and the tango with psuedo-snooty looks on their faces. They had absolutely nothing to do with the show but a sizeable crowd had gathered to watch, completely unable to distinguish between organized reality and pre-teen tomfoolery.

I have no doubt whatsoever that had I stood there singing sea shanties while my girlfriend played the comb and paper, the punters would have rolled in. It was that sad.

Mon 24th

One of my fond memories of living with my folks back in the 1980’s was their unquenchable thirst for nature programs. David Attenborough was king in our house. If Mom and Dad were not at home to watch “the Wilderbeest of the Serengeti’, then it was videotaped. For these reasons, a trip to Bangkok Zoo always excites Mom and Dad rather more than it excites me, but as an animal lover myself, let me just say that the people who run Bangkok Zoo need serious guidance. Since my last visit to the zoo, the living conditions for the animals had worsened and any budget that the zoo had has obviously been spent on building or tarting up eating areas. Don’t they understand that people come to zoos to enjoy the animals? One enclosure has six handsome hippos with barely enough room to turn around. Another one has three sun bears that are all at various levels of insanity, driven mad by the deplorable conditions, which include a pool of dirty, stagnant water and cages with rusty iron bars. Just a few yards away is a gleaming new Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant. Someone has got a lot to answer for.

Halfway around the zoo there is a reptile house, where you are charged 10 baht to walk around and look at a load of empty glass cases. There weren’t many people in there to be honest but I became aware of a bargirl/farang couple who were engaged in some furious glass-tapping. He was in his 30’s and wearing the tourist get-up of shorts and a Singha beer T-shirt; she was in her early 20’s and so obviously a bargirl. Her speech was coarse and uncouth and she was on the whole the ‘wrong side of the cage’. One of the better exhibits in the reptile house is a small pen containing a giant tortoise from somewhere like the Galapagos Islands. There is a sign on the pen clearly stating that you must not touch or disturb the animal. Cut to the bargirl who was clearly exempt from such a warning and proceeded to climb into the pen to stroke the tortoises head and generally make a prat of herself.

My father came up beside me and said, “Why is she doing that?”

“It’s because she’s an uneducated whore” I replied.

My Dad raised his eyebrows. Perhaps it wasn’t the answer he was expecting. I don’t really know why I was so mad but I was.

To add further insult to injury, when she climbed out of the enclosure she gave me one of those winks. One of those winks that says “I’m sorry I can’t get to know you right now because I have a customer but when he’s gone home check me out” Come to think of it that’s not a bad idea. I could bring her back to the zoo and spend a little time at the lion enclosure.

You’re probably thinking at this stage that Phil’s just a miserable old git but in reality I was beginning to go down with something of a flu bug and with the pressure of entertaining my folks for four days, my patience was wearing thin. Back at the hotel, we were just in time to hear a nice carol singing session by some local Thai schoolchildren but I desperately needed rest and headed home for a 10-hour sleep.

Tuesday 25th

Still trying to shake off a cough and slight fever, I got to the Dusit Thani about an hour early so had a leisurely walk up Rama 4 towards the Pan Pacific Hotel. In front of the hotel is a tourist information kiosk staffed by a pair of giggly Thai girls. Having some time to waste, I tapped on the glass window and started asking all manner of dumb touristy questions. I already knew the answers to the questions but I like to find out if they know as much as I do. Besides, the girl on duty was stunningly attractive and I enjoyed just watching her lips move.

There was a poster on the window, which rather amused me. It drew your attention to the well-documented jewelry scam and how best to avoid the touts who lure foreigners to dodgy gemstone shops. The poster had the working title ‘help us to get rid of the undesirable scum’. I thought that was a trifle harsh even though the touts are indeed undesirable scum.

After ten minutes it was obvious I’d outstayed my welcome and the friendly lass had answered quite enough of my dumbass questions. I thanked her and turned away to walk the 200 metres to the Dusit Thani. It was then that the ‘undesirable scum’ swooped on me. I was immediately surrounded by the smooth-talking stranger that the poster had warned me about. I live for moments like this. I let him wank on about government special offers and tourist discounts before launching into my own life story about my 12 years in Thailand. I don’t do all this just to gloat, but merely to watch smooth-talking strangers wilt before my very eyes. It gives me so much satisfaction that I would quite happily do it for a living.

After meeting up with Mom and Dad, we rode the sky-train to Siam Square and prepared ourselves for a day’s shopping in Mahboonkrong and Siam Square. While we’re on the subject of the sky-train, let me say that my visitors felt that the BTS had turned Bangkok into a truly international city. They were more than impressed by not only the sky-train but also the variety of shops, coffee bars, and restaurants that had sprung up in the nine years since their first visit to Thailand. Mom remarked that she could see why I love living here. The comment rather pleased me.

As for the shopping in MBK and Siam Square, my Mom and Dad tend to be on opposite sides of the spectrum when it comes to window-shopping. Mom will happily wander from shop to shop fingering every single garment she sees while Dad gets tetchy after the second store and starts bemoaning the fact that he can’t have a fag. I’m caught somewhere in the middle with the responsibility of keeping both parties happy.

After three hours of fighting off over-zealous shop assistants and being subject to Britney Spears in just about every bloody shop, the folks decided to head back to the hotel for an afternoon nap. I stayed in Siam Square left to my own devices and moseyed around with no particular place to go. I enjoyed the peace and solitude and the opportunity to cast aside the shackles of parental care. I also realized that I am happiest when I’m looking at university students in short skirts. And even better when I have all the time in the world to do it.

In the evening, Mom and Dad fancied a Christmas dinner and the girlfriend was starving as usual. They wanted tender strips of turkey, roast and boiled potatoes, baby sprouts, mince pies and thick dollops of cranberry sauce. I knew that Bobby’s Arms and the Bull’s Head on soi 33 would both be packed to the rafters. The Toby Jug on Silom didn’t even enter the equation. The place only seats about 20 people, and we’d be lucky if there was room to open the door. But Dad was adamant. Lets give it a try. Surprisingly, the pub was virtually empty so my suspicions were instantly aroused. When the waitress plonked the menu in front of us it all become crystal clear. There were two Xmas dinner choices, Mexican fajitas stuffed with turkey and peppers, and ham with garlic sausage. Not a dollop of cranberry sauce in sight. We discussed the pros and cons of each dish before settling for steak and chips.

Wed 27th

By now, my on-off flu bug was threatening to take me up a back alley and kick the shit out of me, so the morning trip to Jim Thompson’s House was always going to be a very leisurely affair. I’d been here just seven weeks earlier with my brother and his wife but still went ahead and paid 100 baht for the guided tour rather than sit outside and hold the coats. When I paid the 300 baht entrance fee for the three of us, the cashier asked me if I was English or French. Intrigued by the question, I asked if the French had to pay more. Apparently they didn’t but it still seems a wonderful idea.

The guided tour was every bit as enjoyable as the first time I took it. The tour guide had that irresistible combination of Thai femininity and a sense of fun. As the tour group listened intently to her explanation of Jim Thompson’s mysterious disappearance, I stood a safe distance away and tried to visualize her naked. I felt sorry for her because it was obviously that behind all the smiles and charm, she was feeling desperately ill with probably a bad migraine. Every time she pointed to a picture on a wall and the tour group would examine it, she used those precious seconds to massage her temples or apply gentle pressure to her forehead.

After a quick look around Jim Thompson’s shop with its outrageous prices, and a very tasty (if expensive) club sandwich at the Jim Thompson café, we started the walk down the soi back to the sky-train station. We were of course stopped by a taxi tout on the way, who asked if we fancied a tour of the city for a ridiculously low fare. I answered him with the usual “Mai Aw Khap” (I don’t want), which resulted in him repeating the phrase in a sarcastic tone as though here was another tourist who’d learned something from his phrase book. Nothing gets to me more than that but I was too tired and ill to make a big deal of it. I had a late afternoon drink with Mom and Dad and they implored me to go home and get some rest.

Thurs 27th

I thought it best to leave Mom and Dad to their own plans today. I felt guilty about not turning up to see them but they understood that I needed time to recuperate in readiness for our assault on Chiang Mai the following day. When you only see your parents once every two years, every second you spend with them is precious. We only had 14 days together and here I was wasting one of them by staying at home and feeling sorry for myself.

Still….. We’re off to Chiang Mai with the promise of hill-tribe villages, opium smoking, elephant treks, and a whole lot more. This could be very interesting.

[Guest]

Bangkok Phil,

Nice report, look forward to Part 2.....I know how you feel about taking family around the greater Bangkok area it is a draining experience....

Sanukboot.

[Guest]

Interesting reading as allways B Phil , are they really keen to get smashed on opium ?? I will look forward to #2.

[togaduke]

excellent report, really makes you feel like your there, the good bad, and ugly, of a exotic place, and I was in stiches at several places,, vary funnie, you really have a way with words.. thats a great skill use it often..and thanks..

[Guest]

Phil thanx that was a great read altough im hope you regain the "eye of the tiger" when dealing with folks like the shirt vendor lady, whenever your stories centre around you standing up for either yourself or an innocent party sure makes my day

[Fatbastard]

Phil, Good read, I have said it before but, when the BKK Phil book comes out I will be the FIRST in the line.

[Guest]

Phil, that was really good, a refreshing change from the usual trip reports, but one thing bugged me. You are from the West Midlands, I dont believe you really call your mother "Mom". If she isnt mum she would be Mam.

[Guest]

It's a real pleasure to read your posts Phil, they are always loaded with wit and opinions; I hope you and your family have a hoot in Chiang Mai.

Ahaan? De Stefano, Pom Pui are excellent for Italian(so is Piccola Roma but $$$).The fancy place at the Mae Ping Hotel is good for Chinese and Fish n'Chips on Th. Ratwithi off Th. Ratchapakinai is great for the obvious. And then there's JJ. If you want great Thai lunch fare (satay etc.) try Th. Inthawarowot(awesome). Also the world's best BBQ'd squid on the street outside Somphet market on Th. Moon Muang.

Go to Samoeng for stunning scenery, cool safe roads and non-tourist flower gardens. Also Hang Dong for crafts. Also Mengrai Kilns in town if you are into pottery.

Hope you enjoy my favorite city in the world.

Fish 'n Chips

[Guest]

quote:

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Originally posted by Fatbastard:

Phil, Good read, I have said it before but, when the BKK Phil book comes out I will be the FIRST in the line.

---

Yep, I thought the same. It wouldn't take that much work surely, the material is already written on Bangkokmouth. It would just need a bit of editing and there you have it, an instant best-seller! Phil's writing is much funnier and more readable than most of the "expat story" paperbacks you see in Asia Books and Bookazine.

Could be a nice supplementary income...

[Guest]

Thanks for all the kind words guys.

I'm tapping this message out at an internet cafe in Chiang mai. I already have enough material to fill another report and I've only been here 24 hours.

The Chiang mai folk are ultra-polite but I still managed to get into an altercation this morning. Looking forward to posting the full report.

Phil

Reporting from Chiang Mai (the land of the backhander)