MrX Posted February 27, 2005 Report Share Posted February 27, 2005 We have made love. She is not completely well; her skin slightly leathery and her temperature unfamiliar. I know she cannot refuse but I am quick. "I don?t know you" and then a little later ?You want kill me?" I was getting close to the core but was it merely ruthless to go on? "One year maybe I go away" "Ok 2 or 3 months..." trailing off I feel my throat closing "No, I mean I never come back" Ushering the great black bat into the room but no need! Already there: "Kowjai..2,3 months pain finish. Thon dai.. I have boyfriend before I like maak maa..ok we have problem...finish 2,3 months pain finish" "You mean; if with him, who you felt so strongly for, the pain passed so quickly then with me??" I cannot finish. "You baa" which rested plain short of a denial. Reeling, the predicament stamped and signed; explicitly now, not only was the present problematic but the nothingness future bold outlined The room seemed filled with vines "Ok its same same we finish now" "Not same...finish now you stay Thailand" her voice trailing off into anguish.. "You leave Thailand think I can do" "Ok I speak Mia tomorrow" "You baa" "Ok 10 years my son grow up I come back for you" Interest flickering briefly across her elusive face... "OK can do.. but I no work The Bar..I think I dekserve" I smile at the absurd level of inconsequential detail.. as she might smile at my projected certainties.. and you might smile at us both???did you see the film by Fassbinder " the marriage of Maria Braun?"' but there the protagonists were tempered adults... Now, in view of the "dekserve" I am wondering if I keep her at the Bar?..my support and regular presence stopping it from boiling over. Irony ; I enable what I loathe. Irony: she finishes with her first boyfriend (they waited one year before he took her virginity) and gritting her way and probably angry through the tears, opened her legs to the punters and later finishing with me she will stop working..... She wants me to spend less and less time at the Bar?..I may only sit outside for one beer?.she wants us to meet in the afternoons so she neither has to work nights nor I go there.. "Why you no want future?" "Mai kowjai no want future" I know she knows the words. The thing is, she, whose future is so richly prefigured in her youth doesn?t even need an idea of it faultlines me, so acutely aware of it running out. I feel I wont survive her and this is hardly metaphorical "It is because I am old and have a wife and child already?" The barest nod of assent "You no want talk about future because you know we dont have one and you love me maak ma and it hurts you" She is lying on her front, head and neck propped up, hair falling forward to camouflage her eyes. She always takes up this position when the talk is important. Again the faintest gesture of a "yes" which burns deeply like hot wire Who and what can be saved? I am lost. She is too young, too foreign, to understand. I am encircled too by the distracting vitality of my living life which cannot accommodate her. What can I do? I can finish today I can wait until the end I can turn against her I can talk to Catherine I can wait a decade In reality I can do none of these things but one of them (or something else I don?t foresee) will occur certainly. The evening is winding down. We stand and embrace in the short time room. Never do this usually; she is rarely so frontal preferring the other to approach her obliquely but our tenderness has a dirty stain of consolation. It is not alive and promising. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaiLuk Posted February 27, 2005 Report Share Posted February 27, 2005 Idea that would work if the world was a simple place: why not make her your mia noi? Lots of precedent for that in the LOS. Putting that aside, I would not even pretend to know what to advise the narrator in your story. Can leave you with some words of another that are not simple at all but might give you something to think on. "The abolition of the ego affects only those supreme and ultimate decisions which confront us in situations where there are insoluable conflicts of duty. This means, in other words, that in such cases the ego is a suffering bystander who decides nothing but must submit to a decision and surrender unconditionally ." - Jung Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrX Posted February 27, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 27, 2005 Whose italics? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaiLuk Posted February 27, 2005 Report Share Posted February 27, 2005 Sorry. Mine Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Encore Posted February 27, 2005 Report Share Posted February 27, 2005 Mailuk > "The abolition of the ego affects only those supreme and ultimate decisions which confront us in situations where there are insoluable conflicts of duty. This means, in other words, that in such cases the ego is a suffering bystander who decides nothing but must submit to a decision and surrender unconditionally ." - Jung < Prophetic. Seems this fits very well here! Waiting for the next chapter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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