Torneyboy

A Scotsman took a girl for a taxi ride. She was so beautiful he could hardly keep his eyes on the meter.

They breed them tough down here

A Scotsman went on a week's holiday to London taking with him a shirt and a five pound note. When he returned home he hadn't changed either of them!

Teacher to a Scottish schoolboy, "If you had a pound in your right-hand trouser pocket, and three pounds in your left-hand trouser pocket, what would you have?" "Somebody else's trousers miss."

Jamie burst into the house and proudly announced to his father, "I ran home behind the bus and saved ten pence." To which his father replied, "You could have done better son. You could have run home behind a taxi and saved five pounds."

That should read Kiwi...

Sign at a Scottish golf course: "Members will refrain from picking up lost balls until they have stopped rolling"

Oh dear...pet lovers aroun d the world ..stop this man.

Damn...thought i got you .... .

A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the outback. On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch.

 

Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar. "What the hell!" the tourist cried, "what the hell's going on here? I've been here one hour and I've seen a bloke shagging a sheep, and now some bloke's wanking himself off in the bar!"

 

"Fair dinkum, mate," the bartender told him, "you can't expect a man with only one leg to catch a sheep"

An English silver expert travelling in Scotland was asked if he would like to look at the trophies won by the Scottish national soccer team. He replied that he wasn't interested in antiques.

..

Classic Munch :thumbup:

Hey ...can you change that to a New Zealander..please

A battle weary American soldier boarded a crowded train in in London during the early days of post-WWII, only to discover he was unable to find a place to sit. As he walked the length of the train, he noticed a small white dog curled up on one of the seats. A large, well dressed woman sat in the seat next to the dog. The man hovered near the seat, hoping the woman would take the hint, but she pointedly ignored him.

 

"Excuse me, Ma'am," the soldier finally spoke, "Is this your dog? Would you mind holding it on your lap so that I may sit down?"

 

The woman raised her icy gaze to the young man and said in a haughty British accent, "oh! You Americans. You are so rude. Fluffy is in that seat, and i see no reason why she should give up her comfort for you."

 

The exhausted soldier nodded, picked up the small dog ... leaned over ... opened the window of the moving train and tossed the dog out. The woman gaped and spluttered in horrified indignation, and the man sitting across from her lowered his newspaper.

 

"You Americans", he said, "You drive on the wrong side of the road ... you eat with the wrong fork ... and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window."

Bird lovers ..now the dog lovers

Bird lovers will enjoy that one

You are the man.. :thumbup:

Excellent :thumbup:

You must be a hoot at dinner parties :thumbup:

Very good :thumbup:

Bloke sees an advert in a pet shop window "Talking Centipede, £5,000."

 

He buys it takes it home in a small box and after about 30 mins opens the box and asks it if it would like to go for a pint, the centipede doesn't answer.

 

Raising his voice he repeats the question, still no reply, getting angry and feeling ripped off he begins to shout the question at the centipede, at this point the centipede sticks his head out of the box and says "I heard you th e first time, I'm putting my feckin shoes on."

Classic..

Sorry to read of your sad news.

I hope you are getting all the support from your family and friends during this difficult time for you.

Good luck ..

Excellent

Funny ...

Great

Poor Fanny

Just an off day