Fiery Jack

Last night, in the end I couldn't even get a woman by paying, and I was in the heart of the post-paid pussy jungle in Bangkok! Sometimes things just don't line up right, and you can end up dragging yourself home alone...

 

Perhaps some have found themselves in a similar position... What's your advice on finding an urgent last-minute companion in the wee and morning hours?

Roger that one. I have walked that road, more often of late than of yore. I suspect that we are singing from a similar heathen hymn sheet, sir.

The lunatic rogues' gallery/umpteenth circle of purgatory locals know as 'Nana Car Park' has been my solace and salvation more than once...

Home alone. Almost. A very cute little angel-faced page-cut bottle-blonde in a red dress outside Nana car park asks me how I am as I brush past. For once, I am honest. I tell her I am sad and alone. Five minutes later, in my room, I realise she is a lot less attractive than when first I met her, and a hell of a lot older than I remember her being all those seconds before in the darkness. That's what time does, I suppose. She may well be thinking much the same about me. We shower and shag and it's amicable and lovely. She's cheerful and cuddly. This makes me happy, I realise. I could spend some time with this type of person, but of course I don't and I won't. She leaves once I've huffed and puffed and shot the paste. I can't remember how much she asked for or how much I gave her. I can't remember her name. Maybe I never even asked her. But I look for her after that every night in the area around Nana. She's never there.

 

jack

The difference between a "cut" ladyboy and a real lady? ... Ideas and solutions please...

Far from foolproof but worth a go if desperate: ask him/her the following 5 questions...

1. Do you hang about outside a massage joint on Lower Suk at 2AM pissed as a fart and ya-baa'd out of your box, spray-on black mini-skirt riding up around your waist, shrieking hysterically and pestering passers by?

2. Do you claim to be 'laydee! jing-jing!' even though you've an Adam's apple I could hang my coat on?

3. Do you forcibly frogmarch your newfound 'friends' to a short-time hotel on Soi 4?

4. Once there, do you refuse to undress, go ballistic apeshit, start smashing the room up and try to steal your newfound friend's wallet and mobile phone?

5. Do you continue with this terrifying performance (replete with attempts to punch newfound friend in face and accusations of robbery and rape) until the tourist police arrive and wearily and resignedly (as if about to burst into a full chorus of 'Auld Lang Syne' or Paul 'Syrup' Simon's 'Old Friends') escort you mob-handed from the premises like the 'old friend/regular call-out' you clearly are to them?

If subject answers 'Yes' to all 5 questions, it's more than probable that (s)he's got a cock attached and, anyway, brother, you really don't want to know.

Let us know how you get on.

jack

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ritLaGCPcxE

 

 

not really in your sphere fj as in a 5/10 minger, but i thought i'd post anyway

Good work, mate. I'd tap that like a shot.

Another one that gets my rod twitching is Lisa Faulkner (typecast pigshit-thick Essex tart as life imitates art, she's basically a marginally less dippy version of Dido: I see a pattern emerging here, Jack ... ), the blonde 'hobo-chic' bird out of the BBC series 'Murder in Suburbia'. I bet she'd go like a f*cking rabbit, the dirty wee whoor.

Here she is in some sexy schoolgirl gear. Lord have f*cking mercy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BrH8SZ6PcmQ

Ooh, you bugger. Where's those f*cking Kleenex...

jack

http://www.bbc.com/news/35003912

F*ck's sake.

jack

I know the large open-air food-court-style restaurant that was on the right as you go down Soi 7* (just across from Soi 7 Beergarden) closed down over a year ago. Like Golden Beer Bar, it was a prime people-watching spot: another good one gone... And the food was good too. Unlike a lot of places, if you asked for it pet-mak-mak spicy, brother you'd get it pet-mak-mak-mak-mak-mak jing-jing you're a better man than I am gungha din thar she blows yifter the shifter twice on the pipes hooray and up she rises spicy: I mean radioactive — toilet roll in the fridge, and no need to set the alarm, mate. Ring of fire, indeed.

Sadly missed, but anyone know what will be built to replace it? It was not much more than a pile of rubble last time I staggered past on my way to a quick morning bracer or two at the Beergarden.

While I'm at it, are there any similar restaurants (well, cafeterias/food courts really) — cheap-and-cheerful, outdoor (but not necessarily), plastic chairs, good basic authentic Thai food — in BKK that anyone would recommend. I know there's one on the corner of (I think it's) Soi 3/1, and another on the opposite side of Sukhumvit that gets a lot of backpackers. Any more?

jack

*Can't find any photos of it online. I mean the joint the dude who took this 2011 video sits at from 1:45 to 3:30.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CYUc32O-Ac8

Patricia Morrison

Bit scary looking for me, but I wouldn't say 'No'.

My dopehead mate Smokey Ashton did some production work for Eldritch donkey's years ago, and never got paid. He still goes on about it.

jack

Impressive work.

They've even photoshopped the cock she's about to suck and replaced it with a coffee cup!

jack

Sounds like some saggy beef curtains there FJ

Thanks for the private message, mate. Hope you got her email address okay?

How did you get on?

jack

PS. If she asks for your bank details, give her a false account number. That's what I did. You can't be too careful.

I was asked to do a charity half-marathon. Of course, I immediately declined. Then the bloke said, "But it's for disabled kids."

I thought, "Wait a minute — I could win this!"

jack

I notice that a 'Yes' option ('Yes, bastards' to be specific) has now been added to the original list of voting options.

Not my doing.

Do I detect KS's elegant and helpful editorial hand at work?

jack

Has Jack voted yet?

I just voted, mate. I went for 'Yes'.

Interesting poll. Better than the ones that stupid tit Fiery Jack puts up on here.

jack

T minus 19 for the board's favourite funster, Fiery Jack!

Better book myself another stay in rehab for January, then...

jack

Larina C. got in touch this morning. Thought I'd spread the joy.

Can't get girls?

 

 

Larina C. <tnu????????ozi@vnnic.com>*

Fiery 'Six Triggers' Jack <fieryjack5942359625495923645965@hotmail.com>;

Wed 12/2/2015 10:20 PM

 

This message was identified as spam. We'll delete it after 10 days. It's not spam

 

SaÙœlut my p̯ussÙy fÌ¢#ckeÙ“r.

i waÙ•nt to h00kuÖ²p and nothing eÙ‘lse !! sound goÍ…od 2 u? once yoͨu have me, y͆á»u woÙn't ever waÖ¥nt to go bàck to your boÖ¹ring life !! if u want to fÙœ~ck, jÌ…usÙt ask...

 

My screenn̮ame is Larinٕanhk :-S

 

My page iͪs he̵re: http://LarinaC??????...??HotHookup.com*

C u l͆ater!

Lovely. Thanks, Larina C..

You're welcome.

jack

* I've edited Larina's email address and homepage link, soft lad. If any of you want the real address/link in order to get in touch with her, send me a private message and you'll receive the info pronto!

I'm glad I was 30 when I was 30, and not now."

 

Me too, actually I woulda preferred being 30, 35 yrs ago. But what do I know.

Ha ha, yes, roger that one.

I've often thought that too — because if I'd been born 5 years earlier I'd have been at my shagging/gigging/ligging youthful peak during the revolutionary UK punk and post-punk drugs-and-shagging explosion of the late-70s (during which I was still at school and just a wee bit too young ), and not during the pile-of-shite unisex celibate (for me) Duran Duran New Romantic AIDS-panic safe-sex nightmare of the early-80s that followed (during which I was freshly in adulthood and raring to go in, ahem, eyeliner and pixie boots ).

I wanted this...

But I ended up with this...

Otherwise, no complaints.

jack

... I was parked between two driveways on the public road with plenty of clearance all round, legal, considerate, normal parking. I was filling the water in the screen washer reservoir.

Ha ha, I've done that too, mate! There's never a public toilet around when you need one.

And while I'm at it...

Doesn't she tout for trade in Soi 7 Beergarden? Front teeth missing and a tattoo circling her arsehole that reads 'Nicolas Cage Was Here'? I'm sure I've short-timed her a couple of times. She had a neck brace on the last time I shagged her.

jack

I mean birds whom a lot of blokes might (and quite clearly do, if you believe the papers or the 'net) regard as a 5 or 6 out of 10, or worse, that you find incredibly sexy/hot/attractive: 11 out of 10.

For me: it's Dido. Yes, she's a flat-chested, fat-arsed, pumpkin-headed, chubby dope-head has-been who can't sing her shit songs for toffee, and she's notoriously thick as pigshit (she dated that doss cunt ex-Leeds/Man U/Newcastle footballing thug Alan Smith whose hobbies were beating up pakistanis in nightclubs and punching his own teammates ).

But I cannot watch this women without getting an erection. A cock-jerk reflex reaction that I honestly couldn't prevent if I tried.

There will be others for me in this category, I'm sure, and they'll come to my addled mind later and I'll list them below if and when they do. For now though, I give you Ms. Dido Florian Cloud de Bounevialle O'Malley Armstrong aka 'Dido': truly my kind of woman (lowers trousers and reaches for box of tissues ).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EGXtEE-YX7s

(Of course, that video's 10 years old, and that's the version of Dido I'd love to shag. But I'm sure I'd react the same way if I saw her today. She can't have gone completely downhill in a decade? (Though glancing at my own haggard coupon and ballooning belly, it wouldn't impossible... ))

So... Who's yours, lads?

jack

Regarding this 10-years-and-not-the-looker-I-once-was sketch...

Going back 10 yrs the nightlife girls seemed a lot friendlier and easy going.Now its more about the $,or maybe its just me thats no longer the hansum man

you are right, but then I am no longer a handsome man

Soi 7 beer garden really is a pitiful beast, a living advert for euthanasia or at best suicidal alcoholic despair. The last time I saw such a shockingly motley bunch of miserably unattractive, deeply unnerving, palpably desperate and clearly mentally unwell females under the same roof was decades ago at the ouch drunk fight club known as Champers Nite Club in my UK hometown. and that's why I have not lived in Britain for the last 25 years.

 

Yes, you are a prostitute. Yes, you are desperate. Yes, it's a shit world. But stop staring/gesturing/shouting at me like a deranged harridan from across the fucking room. It draws attention to you and, more unforgivably, to me. I would, after some careful consideration, rather stick a red-hot steel poker up my arse than have any form of sexual contact or even be seen in public talking to you. No, I am not going to beckon you over, just as I wasn't two minutes ago, or on the other 23 times you've tried to engage my attention in the 30 minutes since I crossed the threshold to this hellhole.

 

Dignity is, of course, priceless. Which means it is free. These morons don't get that.

 

(Anyway, I probably shagged you 10 years ago, when you were young and pretty, and so was I. Let it go. Let it go.)

 

I have 4 bottles of beer and go home. My world is blurred and skewed and warped in ways it never used to be. And yet some parts are clearer.

 

jack

... Yes, we all ache where we used to play, as Cohen says, but, as he also says, I'm old but I'm still into that.

10 years ago (okay, okay, let's say 15, just to be safe) I still looked like, and in many ways still was, a young man. Inside, not much has changed since then; maybe I'm a bit calmer and gentler — not for me to say — but stick a dozen beers down my throat and I'll soon revert to type. Outside, however, it's gone pear shaped and I can't pass for young any more, nor do I wish to. I'm not old, and I'm not hideously ugly, but I'm no longer a young man. No one shouts 'handsum man!' at me any more. They used to.

But I saw loads of blokes 10/15/20 years ago in LOS who were what I am now. I knew some of them. And they were smiling and having the 'girlfriend experience' that these days is as much a thing of the past as my (once passably) 'good looks'.

Long story short, I don't think it's anything to do with us not being lean and looking 'handsum' any more. It's economics, money, the way of the world. I'm glad I was 30 when I was 30, and not now. We had it good, lads. We still do.

No worries. To quote that ugly old alcoholic tosspot Fiery Jack , "My world is blurred and skewed and warped in ways it never used to be. And yet some parts are clearer."

jack

The blithering idiot that started the poll forgot to put an option for 'Yes'.

jack

From Trip Advisor Reviews Of Nana Plaza:

“Exploitation at its worst†cries KRYGER44 of Bangkok:

 

Reviewed June 12, 2014

 

Are you a man who cannot get a woman without purchasing one?

 

Do you like to support sex trafficking and sex slavery?

 

Are you into the exploitation of lower class women?

 

Do you have perversions that no normal person would act out with you?

 

If you answered yes to a few of these questions than Nana is for you, if you actually care about people, respect women, and have a dose of morality/dignity this will not be your place.

 

Visited May 2014

 

“Avoid Voodoo go go bar†says KKMAN2013 of Tokyo!

 

Reviewed November 2, 2013

 

Avoid “Voodoo†go go bar.

 

If you walk by this bar,

ladyboy will hardsell herself to you,

and if you turn her down,

she will attack you!!

Yes!! attack!!

Avoid this awful bar.

 

Visited October 2013

http://www.tripadvis...d-Bangkok.html#

jack

...these days when I pass through Thailand and manage to string together a few good STs in the classic tradition, I consider it a moral victory and great success...

I can absolutely relate to that, chief. Ditto for the whole paragraph that follows.

As Dylan sings: "...every one of them words rang true

And glowed like burning coal...

Like it was written in my soul."

Top post.

jack

As I mused in another thread, 'Sex Tourism', is almost exclusively portrayed in a negative light. Sex Tourists get very bad press. Some of them I've encountered in Thailand, mostly round Lower Sukhumvit, of course, are indeed obnoxious arseholes, but then so are many non-Sex Tourists I've met, and indeed so am I, and I've met some decent Sex Tourists too.

Even the obnoxious arsehole Sex Tourists are often simply temporarily afflicted by the blithely arrogant attitude that access to cheap booze and cheap sex can foster in a lazy-minded immature pampered person. And the decent ones I've met are understandably embittered by the negative preconceptions folks have of their ilk, so tend to be frosty at first.

So here's a poll, so we'll know once and for all... Are Sex Tourists All C*nts?

Feel free to demystify your poll-vote selection with anecdotes. In fact, feel obliged.

jack

Walking down KoSan road one day this stunning girl backpacker (american) walking towards me, mate and I just stared, so stunning, followed by a 7ft obnoxious American, who stands in my face, and shouts

 

"ARE YOU STARING AT MY GIRLFRIEND"

 

Yes, I was, she's stunningly beautiful, if she's your girlfriend your a very luck many, I reply

 

He's confused, thinking I've somehow insulted him, she turns around and yells. "OK That's it, your a fucking idiot, I am NOT your girlfriend anymore, you don't own me!"

 

He's torn between beating me, or chasing after her, wisely he chooses chasing her. very funny, and stoopid

Good work.

Strikes me, though, that we've heard similar tales on here from beer-bars and go-gos: possessive (usually blootered ) punters spoiling for a brawl because someone's drooled at the bird they just barfined for the night?

Wonder if there's a thread somewhere on a Backpacker Board titled "Are Sex Tourists All C*nts?"

jack

what the fuck is a gap year...

yep whats a gap yar?

My "gap year" started when I was about 17 and hasn't finished yet, mate.

jack

You can be respectfully hedonistic, surely? Do what the fuck you like, as long as you don't hurt anyone? If I'm honest, I hope I'm like that, at least these days.

I offended a Thai bloke once in Bangkok, many years ago, by behaving disrespectfully in his presence. I was drunk, but that was no excuse. I felt so terrible about it that I went back the next day and apologized sincerely and gave him a gift. And the next day. And six months later, the next time I was in LOS. And many times after that. And we became friends, and he says he forgives me. Whether he does or not, I know what I did was not right, and I'll continue to try never to do anything similar.

Perhaps a lot of backpackers will look back one day on their obnoxious behavior and regret it. Some of them might even apologize, learn from the experience, like I did. But that doesn't excuse their twattish antics, just as my remorse did not excuse mine.

(In my defence, I immediately apologised for my shenanigans when the Thai dude blew his whistle. Went back thereafter to show I was sincere. I wonder if the serially-misbehaving backpackers would immediately apologise for the errors of their ways if confronted in public? Case by case, but I somehow doubt it.)

jack

(SPOILER ALERT! Before any of you pedantic clowns pipe up: Fiery Jack's a persona. I resembled him a long time ago, but I don't so much now. In many ways, I wish I did; in some ways, I'm glad I don't. )

Too damn intoxicated to fuck much these days, it's a sad state of affairs...

I feel far less hindsight-guilt these days over shagging prostitutes than I do about going on a 5-day bender. (It used to be by far the opposite, if anything at all.) That's an even worse state of affairs.

We really are fucked, mate.

Roll on Xmas. Roll on LOS.

jack :help;