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Gilbert Godfried Jokes A man goes to a doctor. He says „I don‚t know if my wife has TB or VD.‰ He doctor says, „Chase her around the bed. If she coughs, fuck her.‰ A man goes to a doctor for a checkup. Doctor examines him. He says „I have bad news. You‚ve got cancer and Alzheimer's. „ He goes, „Thank God I don‚t have cancer.‰ A man has the words I love you tattooed to his dick. He goes home to his wife. The wife says „Stop trying to put words into my mouth. A old Jew goes for a walk, finds a lamp. Picks up a lamp and rubs it. A genie pops out. The genie says „I‚ll grant you one wish‰. So, the old Jew reaches into his pocket takes out a crumpled map and he says „You see this area? This is called the middle east. There‚s been nothing but war and bloodshed here for centuries. Can you do something?‰ And the genie goes „Even with my power, I can‚t do anything about that area. Can I grant you another wish?‰ So he goes, „Well, I‚ve been married for forty years and my wife has never given me a blow job. Can you get her to do that for me just once?‰ And the genie goes „Can I look at that map again.‰ A traveling sales man goes to a farm house. The farmer goes, „I can put you up for one night, but you‚ll have to stay in the barn.‰ So he spends the night there and the next morning the farmer comes in and says, „Were you comfortable?‰ He goes, „Yeah I had a great time. I talked with all the animals.‰ He goes „You talked with all the animals?‰ „Yeah, I spoke to the chickens. They say you collect the eggs every morning exactly at five minutes after six.‰ He goes „That‚s exactly right!‰ He says „The horse told me his name is Otis, you‚ve owned him for ten years.‰ He goes „That incredible!‰ And he goes „I spoke to the cow and the cow says her name is Elsie and you milk her every morning at exactly eight thirty.‰ And he goes „That‚s incredible.‰ And then he goes „Then I spoke to the sheep . . .‰ and the farmer goes „Those sheep are lying.‰ A man walks into his son‚s room. He goes „Son, if you keep masturbating, you‚re gonna go blind.‰ The son goes „Come over here dad.‰ A man takes a hooker up to his room, he says „How much is this gonna cost?‰ The hooker goes „$200.‰ He hands her the $200. She starts undressing. She turns around. He‚s on the bed jerking off. And she goes „What are you doing?‰ He says, „For $200 you think I‚m gonna let you have the easy one?‰ An old Jewish man walks into a church He goes into the confession booth. He says forgive me father I have sinned. I was working in my tailor shop, a girl came in couldn‚t have been more that nineteen years old. Blond hair, great body, all of a sudden I start fucking her, and there is fucking and we‚re sucking and fooling around, for three hours. And the priest goes „Abe, I recognize your voice. We play poker every Friday night. You‚re Jewish; why are you telling me this?‰ Telling you? I‚m telling everybody. A woman goes to a gynecologist. The gynecologist that examines her says „What a hole. What a hole‰ She says „You didn‚t have to say it twice‰. The doctor says „It was an echo‰ A man goes into a doctor‚s office. The doctor examines him finds out he has five penises. He says „That amazing. How do your pants fit you?‰ He says, like a glove. A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and says „Do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?‰ The rabbit goes „No.‰ And the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit. A man goes into a bank. He goes into a banks and goes up to a white haired lady and says „Yeah, I want to open a fucking bank account.‰ The woman goes „Uh, what did you say?‰ He said, „I said I want to open a fucking bank account.‰ She goes „You better watch your language or I‚m gonna get the manager.‰ He says „Why, because I wanna open a fucking bank account?‰ So, she storms off, gets the manager. Manager walks over to the man and says „What seems to be the trouble here, sir?‰ The man says „I want to open a fucking banking account for $500,000.‰ The bank manager says „Oh, is this cunt giving you a hard time?‰ A man goes over to his wife and hands her two aspirins and a glass water. She goes, „What‚s this for? I don‚t have a headache.‰ He goes „Good, let‚s fuck.‰ You know what‚s the motto of the Greek army? Never leave your buddy‚s behind. A man goes to a whorehouse. He‚s only got two dollars. They say „Well, go up to the room there, we have a dead hooker.‰ So he goes „Okay.‰ We‚ve all been in that situation. Don‚t act like you would turn it down. Oh, sure you can scoff at it, but the thing is well basically you sponged her off and you know what . He goes up and then he comes back down and they say „Well, how was that?‰. He says „It was great. The only problem was her nose kept running.‰ He goes „Ah, well she‚s probably full.‰ An armless legless girl is laying on the beach, crying. A man walks along and goes „What are you crying about?‰ She goes „I‚m crying because in my whole life I‚ve never been kissed.‰ So he kneels down and kisses her. Then gets up and starts walking away. Then she‚s crying twice as hard. And he comes back and says „What are you crying about now?‰ She goes „I‚m crying because in my whole life, I‚ve never been fucked.‰ So he picks her up, tosses her in the ocean and goes „You‚re fucked now.‰ Three traveling salesmen go to a farm house. They say „Can you put us up for the night?‰ The farmer goes, „OK I got a big bed and the three of you I think could fit comfortably in it.‰ So, they all lie down side by side and go to sleep. The next morning they wake up and the guy on the one end of the bed goes „Boy, I had a great dream last night. I dreamt a girl was giving me a hand job.‰ And the guy on the other side of the bed said „Wow, I had a dream that a girl was giving me a hand job.‰ And the guy in the middle goes „I had a dream I was skiing.‰ A man is in a bar drinking. He gets so drunk, he pukes all over his shirt. He goes up to the bartender and says „I‚m in trouble now. When my wife finds out I got so drunk I puked on my shirt, she‚ll kill me. The bartender says „Don‚t worry about it. Look here‚s what you do. You take a ten dollar bill and put it in your shirt pocket. Then you go home to your wife and say some other guy got drunk and he puked on your shirt. And he says ŒI‚m sorry, here‚s ten dollars to have it cleaned.‚ And he goes „I‚ll try that.‰ And he goes back to his wife and says „I was in the bar and a guy puked on my shirt and gave me this ten dollars here to have it cleaned.‰ The wife pulled out the money and said „He gave you twenty dollars.‰ And he goes „Oh, I also forgot to tell you. He also shit in my pants.‰ Two old men are sitting on a park bench. One turns to the other and goes, „I‚m so old. I‚m just so old.‰ And the other one goes „I bet I know how old you are.‰ „You have no idea how old I am.‰ „I can guess how old you are.‰ He goes „How do you know how old I am?‰ He says „Simple, stand up. „ Then he goes, „Alright, drop your pants.‰ „But we‚re in a park here.‰ „Now drops your pants and I‚ll guess how old.‰ So he opens his pants and drops them. „Now pull your underwear down and I‚ll guess your age.‰ „But there are people in the park here.‰ „Just pull your underwear down. Pull your underwear down and shove two fingers right into your ass hole.‰ So he bends over and shoves two fingers up his asshole. The other man goes „You‚re 95.‰ He goes „How are you able to do that.‰ „Because you told me yesterday.‰ A man goes to a doctor. The doctor examines him and he prescribes suppositories. So the man goes off. A week later he comes back and he goes „These aren‚t working at all.‰ And the doctor says „Are you sure you‚re taking them the right way?‰ He goes, „Of course I am. What am I supposed to do, shove them up my ass?‰ A man goes hunting in the woods. He‚s hunting and he sees a big grizzly bear, takes out his riffle, and opens fire on it. The bear growls, jumps at the man, knocks him on the ground, turns him on his belly and fucks him in the ass. As bears as so prone to do. Then the hunter is really angry. He comes back the next day with a machine gun. He see the same bear, opens fire on it with the machine gun. The bear growls, jumps forward, knocks the hunter to the ground, turns him over and fucks him in the ass again. Now he‚s really angry. Comes back the next day with a canon. And this time see the same bear, opens fire with the canon. Then the bear growls, leaps forward, and knock the hunter to the ground, turns him over on his stomach and goes „Something tells me you don‚t just come here to hunt, do you?‰ Last night, I said to my girlfriend „You‚ve got a tight cunt and no tits.‰ She said „Get off my back.‰ I was in the car with my girlfriend and she said „Kiss me where it smells.‰ So I drove her to New Jersey. A man goes to a doctor. He goes to the doctor and goes „Doctor, I have a really embarrassing problem. I seem to be letting off these silent farts. Hey there goes one now. They‚re really smelling and disgusting and just silent too. Oh, I just let off another. It‚s disgusting. Doctor what do I do about it.‰ And the doctor goes „Well, first of all you‚re going deaf.‰

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly... I really need you to pay me a compliment.'Â The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'Â A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'Â The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

we watched the mini series collision last night, very well done. check it out if you can get it online Masterpiece Contemporary: Collision 2009NR 5 episodes In the wake of a six-car crash that leaves two people dead, Detective Inspector John Tolin (Douglas Henshall) and Senior Investigating Officer Ann Stallwood (Kate Ashfield) launch an investigation that unearths dark personal secrets, corporate crime and even murder. Meanwhile, Tolin and Stallwood must deal with their own relationship and come to terms with their past in this "Masterpiece" program.

1975 Henry Kissenger flew in to Victoria Falls ( rhodesia) to make a speech, at each pause in his speech the crowd shouted "boskak" Kissenger thought his message was being cheered on the way back to the hilo, one of his men pulled him aside and said " careful, don't step in the boskak"

Harry Brown the pensioners version of death wish ( sort of) When a crew of drug-dealing gang members takes the life of his only friend, Leonard (David Bradley), retired Marine and widower Harry Brown (Michael Caine) decides to take the law into his own hands -- but his old-school training might be overmatched. Helmed by first-time feature director Daniel Barber, this gritty vigilante thriller set in England also stars Emily Mortimer, Iain Glen, Jack O'Connell, Ben Drew, Joseph Gilgun and Liam Cunningham.