CTO
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Posts posted by CTO
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A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.
When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."
The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"
The wife yells back to him,
"GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERPANTS"
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I had to think about it - but loved it in the end- nice one
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I knew that - it's a joke ok
I think in a Shakespeare he uses the word hit - or Chaucer. -
Manure... An interesting fact
Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term 'Ship High In Transit' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
You probably did not know the true history of this word.
Neither did I.
I had always thought it was a golf term.
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I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.
The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
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Cars - even though I'd rather watch apocolpllessese - fuck - too many chang
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As do Autistic kids
A niece in Australia stayed with us and watched The Little Mermaid 2 times a day for 5 days.
Everytime the wicked witch octopus started the "Evil" scene she'd come in crying asking us to sit and watch with her.
IT'S THE SAME MOVIE - IT ISN'T GOING TO CHANGE!!!!
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Ice Age (For the 50th time) my son get's a fav movie and watches it again and again and again ARGHGHHHHH
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It has to be a joke surely
A Well-Planned Retirement
(from The London Times)
Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England , there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses. It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars £1 (about $1.40) and coaches £5 (about $7). This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years. Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work.
"Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management - "we'd better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant . . . "
"Err . . no", said the Council, "that parking lot is your responsibility."
"Err . . . no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?"
"Err . . no!" insisted the Council.
Sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain (presumably), is a man who had been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at £400 (about $560) per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over £3.6 million ($7 million - or $280,000 every year for 25 years)!
And no one even knows his name.
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The Importance of Walking
Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.
My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we don't know where he is.
I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'
If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
AND
Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.
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An elderly man and woman, both in their 70's, walk into a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice, that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.' He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50, and says good bye.
A week later the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again.
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment,
has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'
The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.
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Made me laugh - I have had a few accidents - not as bad as that but whee I have been thrown through the air and can remember flapping arms and running legs while airborne - I wonder if he did?
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Thomas the Tank Engine and Rocky Horror Picture Show. My sons favorite current movies
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Brialliant
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Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class in Melbourne , when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his arse.
'If you do not mind me saying,' said the second, 'that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?'
'I regret I cannot', lamented the first Arab. 'It is permanently stuck in my arse'.
'I do not understand,' said the other.
The first Arab says, 'I was walking along Russell Street and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an Australian Flag attire with a white beard and Akubra hat came boiling out.
He said, 'I am Captain Aussie, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.'
I said, 'No shit?'
God Bless Australia!
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Little 3 year old boy in bath tub points to his ball's and ask's his mum - "Are these my brains?"
She replies
Not Yet
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Just for Coss
Auckland Suburbs Jokes..................
A Manurewa girl goes to Social Welfare to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the assessor.
"Ten" replies the Rewa Hard girl,
"Ten?" says the Welfare worker.
"What are their names?"
"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan
and Nathan"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Rewa Hard girl, "Its great because if they are out
playing in the street I just have shout 'NATHAN, YER DINNER'S READY!'
or 'NATHAN GO TO BED NOW!' and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed
Welfare worker.
"That's easy," says the Rewa Hard girl... "I just use their surnames"
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A North Shore girl enters an adult shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall." She says "I'll
take the red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."
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Q. Two Mangere girls jump off a cliff. Who wins?
A. Society.
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Q. What do you call a 30 year old Glenfield girl?
A. Granny.
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Q. Why did the Otara girl cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason whatsoever.
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Q. What do you call a Manukau girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.
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Q. What's the first question during a Papakura quiz night?
A. What you looking at?
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Q. What does a Grey Lynn girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.
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Q. Two Mangere kids in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman.
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Q. What's the difference between a boy and an Avondale girl?
A. An Avondale girl has a higher sperm count.
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Q. What's the most confusing day in Panmure?
A. Fatherâ??s day
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Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Pakuranga?
A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!
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Who is your real friend?
This really works...!
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife/girlfriend in the boot of the car for an hour.
When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?
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That would be Alien.
I donwloaded all 4 version - helps me sleep - must say special effect in 1 better that 2
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Alien 1
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1
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I watched the last batman movie recently - quite good - I don't wathch TV at all and a Movie about once a months
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You'd prefer to play golf than hang out in car parks for money?
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A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the
golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.
'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.
'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya
want?'
'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'
And the golfer walks off.
'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for
him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'
A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'
'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I win all the local tournaments.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'
'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'
'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out 100 Euro bills I didn't even know were there!'
'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'
C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good
job. How many times a week?'
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers,
'Once, sometimes twice a week.'
'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a
week?'
'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a
small parish.'
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Globalization
INTERNATIONAL THINKING AT ITS BEST!
Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death.
Question: How come?
Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling) followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.
This is sent to you by an American, using Bill Gateâ??s technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that use Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegalâ??s.....Globalization
Any New Jokes
in The board bar
Posted
THE HORTH WHITHPERER
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'
'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'
So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
'A female horth.'
So he shows him a prized filly.
'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'
So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'
Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'