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CTO

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  1. Any New Jokes

    in The board bar

    Posted

     

     

    Economic Models explained with Cows- 2008 update

     

     

     

    SOCIALISM

     

    You have 2 cows.

     

    You give one to your neighbour.

     

     

     

    COMMUNISM

     

    You have 2 cows.

     

    The State takes both and gives you some milk.

     

     

     

    FASCISM

     

    You have 2 cows.

     

    The State takes both and sells you some milk.

     

     

     

    NAZISM

     

    You have 2 cows.

     

    The State takes both and shoots you.

     

     

     

    BUREAUCRATISM

     

    You have 2 cows.

     

    The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

     

     

     

    TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

     

    You have two cows.

     

    You sell one and buy a bull.

     

    Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

     

    You sell them and retire on the income.

     

     

     

    SURREALISM

     

    You have two giraffes.

     

    The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

     

     

     

    AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

     

    You have two cows.

     

    You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

     

    Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

     

     

     

    ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM

     

    You have two cows.

     

    You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

     

    The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

     

    The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

     

    You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.

     

    No balance sheet provided with the release.

     

    The public then buys your bull.

     

     

     

    THE ANDERSEN MODEL

     

    You have two cows.

     

    You shred them.

     

     

     

    A FRENCH CORPORATION

     

    You have two cows.

     

    You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

     

     

     

    A JAPANESE CORPORATION

     

    You have two cows.

     

    You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

     

    You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

     

     

     

    A GERMAN CORPORATION

     

    You have two cows.

     

    You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

     

     

     

    AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

     

    You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

     

    You decide to have lunch.

     

     

     

    A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

     

    You have two cows.

     

    You count them and learn you have five cows.

     

    You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

     

    You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.

     

    You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

     

     

     

    A SWISS CORPORATION

     

    You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.

     

    You charge the owners for storing them.

     

     

     

    A CHINESE CORPORATION

     

    You have two cows.

     

    You have 300 people milking them.

     

    You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.

     

    You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

     

     

     

    AN INDIAN CORPORATION

     

    You have two cows.

     

    You worship them.

     

     

     

    A BRITISH CORPORATION

     

    You have two cows.

     

    Both are mad.

     

     

     

    AN IRAQI CORPORATION

     

    Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

     

    You tell them that you have none.

     

    No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.

     

    You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy....

     

     

     

    A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

     

    You have two cows.

     

    The one on the left looks very attractive.

     

     

     

    AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

     

    You have two cows.

     

    Business seems pretty good.

     

    You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

  2. Any New Jokes

    in The board bar

    Posted

     

     

    A platoon of soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.

     

    On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a similar

    but less serious state.

     

     

    The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men,

    the Platoon Leader asked the injured Australian what had happened.

     

     

    The soldier reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along the

    highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him

    that "Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scumbag who got what he deserved."

     

     

    He yelled back that "Kevin Rudd is a bureaucratic, Good-for-nothing, left

    wing labour dick-head who knows bugger all about running the country."

     

    So I said, "Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid,

    mean-spirited lesbian!"

     

    He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Julia Gillard "

     

    "And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands,

    When a f...ing truck hit us!"

  4. Any New Jokes

    in The board bar

    Posted

    5 5 5 5 5

     

    FARK

     

    Bloody brilliant!

     

    Reminds me of the worst day in my life years ago - I was a printer - everything that could go wrong went wrong - awful day - about 3pm I went and locked the front door and waved the white flag - I was though!

     

    I ran across the road to send a urgent package to a customer - my only memento of my father (dead) was a ink fountain pen - it fell out and was run over by the taxi I flagged down.

     

    I went back to the shop - left a note I was off to drink beer.

     

    At the bar in comes this young kid we used to look after, in tears - turns out she was 16 and thinking she was pregnant.

     

    FARK - (Not to me) begs me to take her to a abortion clinic (illegal) go back to the shop - get my car but the battery is flat!

     

    Have to get the gay hairdresser - me and the maybe pregnant 16 year old to push start the car.

     

    Drive to a doddgy doctor who makes me come in and watch (Last thing I want to do) the kid is crying - last thing she wants is me watching!

     

    He tells me I am a irresponsible arsehole - she pregnant and it's all my fault and to pay for the "correction" now.

     

    Little bitch agrees with him - FARK - IT'S not my kid!!

     

    I pay the $50 - something is done - no idea what - she and I go to a bar and get drunk.

     

    Wives call the bar looking for me (I was such a regular) The bar owner tells them I am with a 16 year old girl I had knocked up and now forced to get a abortion

     

    FARK - HOW DID THS RUMOUR START

     

    Wives show up - comfort 16 year old girl - treat me like shit and I stay at pub till they throw me out.

     

    Farkin awful day.

     

    Girl went on to become a famous dancer - still laughs at me about my "worst Day Ever" and only says "When the doctor had to blame someone - I was scared so said it was you - sorry"

     

    Bitch never even bought a beer

  7. Any New Jokes

    in The board bar

    Posted

    Two Kiwis, Ian and Craig, are walking down a street in

    Bondi. Ian happens to look in one of the shop windows and

    sees a sign that catches his eye.

     

    The sign said 'Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each,

    Trousers $5.00 per pair.'

     

    Ian says to his pal, 'Craig, look! We could buy a whole lot

    of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune.'

     

    Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just lit

    me do all the talking cause uf they hear our accint, they

    might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my bist Aussie

    accint.'

     

    'No worries,' smiled Craig, 'I'll keep my mouth shut.'

     

    They go in and Ian says, 'I'll take fufty suits et $10.00

    each, 100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers

    et $5.00 each. I'll beck up my truck and...'

     

    The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from New Zealand, aren't you?'

     

    'Well... Yis,' says a surprised Ian. 'How the hill dud you

    know thet?'

     

    The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners'.

     

  10. Any New Jokes

    in The board bar

    Posted

    http://www.snopes.com/military/reinwald.asp

     

    Funny but not true - knowing Cosgrove's media profile he would never do this.

     

    Not real - based upon a funny joke about a women reading in side a restricted fishing area with a unused fishing rod - game warden says "Well you have all the equipment to fish so I'm charging you with fishing

     

    She replies - well I'm charging you with rape - He says WHAT I haven't touched you

     

    YEs - but you have all the equipment "Morol of the story don't mess with women who read.

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