canadalad

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, 'Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!' The shopkeeper said, 'By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!' Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, 'Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either! :smirk:

A blonde grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order. "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the blonde asked. The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah, it looks like about six cups to me." "Oh good!" The blonde sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."

A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?" "Okay," she said, "but it won't do you any good." A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?" "Okay," she said again, "but it won't do you any good." He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay, but you know it won't do you any good." They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife." "Oh, well that's different...." she says. "Send her in!" :grin:

"How do Louis Hamilton and the England team differ"?. "Tomorrow Louis will still have a Mc Claren"

A beautiful blonde loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a male neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the guy, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The guy responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much." Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best. One day the guy was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?" No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employeesâ?? well being, asked sympathetically, â??Whatâ??s the matter?â? The blonde replies, â??Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.â? The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. â??Why donâ??t you go home for the day, we arenâ??t terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest.â? The blonde very calmly states, â??No, Iâ??d be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.â? The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. â??If you need anything, just let me know.â? Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, â??Whatâ??s so bad now. Are you gonna be ok?â? â??No!â? exclaims the blonde. â??I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!â?Â

Heather Mills has been included in the 2008 edition of the Guinness Book of Records.....? She was the first person in history to successfully milk a beetle! :smirk:

A guy goes into a bar. He's sitting on the stool, enjoying his drink when he hears, "You look great!" He looks around - there's nobody near him. He hears the voice again, "No really, you look terrific." The guy looks around again. Nobody. He hears, "Is that a new shirt or something? Because you are absolutely glowing!" He then realizes that the voice is coming from a dish of nuts on the bar. "Hey," the guy calls to the bartender, "What's with the nuts?" "Oh," the bartender answers, "They're complimentary."

The Toronto Maple Leaf Videa Video Passing by a video shop one day, a Toronto Maple Leaf supporter's attention is caught by a poster in the window with the following advertisement: For Sale: Toronto Maple Leaf Video : The Glory Season, Price $200. The fan goes into the shop and talks to the man behind the counter. 'I might be interested in a copy of this Maple Leaf video,' he says, 'But it's an awful price. How come it's so dear?' The shop assistant shrugs and explains, 'Well it's ten dollars for the videotape, and $190 for a Betamax player

M.M. From the jokes you have posted since I first found this site,I still have a ways to go,but I appreciate the comment :thumbup:

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a Baptist preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk stumbles into the water and bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" "Yes I am" replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't." The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?" The drunk again answers, "No, I have not found Jesus." By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds. When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?" The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

A long distance truck driver is on the road for weeks,so he pulls into a brothel throws a grand on the counter and says to the madam ;I want the ugliest,most frigid woman ,a cold bacon sandwich and a cup of weak cold tea..The madam replys; Sir for a grand you can have the most beautiful women in our establishment , our most expensive champage and filet mignon.The trucker says, I'm not horny, I'm just home sick.......

If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs,"..... what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

Olympic Condoms A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?" she asks, "What makes them so special?" "There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily. "Gold of course," says the man proudly. The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

Dead Duck... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$250!" she cried. "$250 just to tell me my duck is dead?!" The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan .

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and getme slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's twostunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds. "Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both." "Fook off you liar!". "I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?" "Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

Steve and Fiona were making passionate love in Steve's VW Van when suddenly Fiona, being a bit on the kinky side, yelled out "Oh fat boy, whip me, whip me!" Steve, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opened the window, snapped the antenna off his van and proceeded to whip Fiona until they both collapsed in sado-masochistic ecstasy. About a week later, Fiona noticed that the marks left by the whipping session were starting to fester a bit so she went to the doctor. The doctor took one look at the wounds and asked, "Did you get these marks having sex?? Fiona, a little embarrassed that she had slept with Steve (let alone that she'd allowed the kinky devil to whip her) eventually admitted that, yes, she did. Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor said, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."

A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?" "No," she says, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor says.... "Your finger is broken."

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, some good news, and maybe some more good news'. 'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?' The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.' The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.' He hands the bloke a big sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it. 'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?' 'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!'

A young geordie lsd went down to London and went for a job in sales at Harrods. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Eye, loads, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle." The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?" The Geordie said "Just the one, Marra." The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for? "£124,237.64" replied the Geordie. The manager choked and exclaimed "£124,237.64, what the hell did you sell him?" "Well, forst I selt him a smaal fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was gannin' fishing and he said doon at the coast, so I telt him he would need a boat, so we went doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him the 4 x 4 Suzuki". The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?" "Ner, nah......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his ladyfriend and I said......... 'Well, since ya weekend's f**ked, you might as well gan fishing."

A teacher asked a class of eight year olds to give examples of the use of the word 'contagious'. Clever Emily puts her hand up and says 'My friend has chicken pox and is contagious' Studious Riaz tells the teacher 'My dad says Bird Flu is very contagious' From the back of the class, Dermot shouts out 'Me dad saw me neighbour painting the outside of house with a two inch brush and said it would take the c*** ages'

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone: â??BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN" Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker--postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfil the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone. For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem. The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it reads as follows: "RETURNED UNOPENED."

You know you are living in 2002 when ; 1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave. 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses. 6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner. 7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line. 8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies. 10. You learn about your redundancy on the 10 o'clock news. 11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job. 12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home. 13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen. 14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it. 15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee. 16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. 17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing. 18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message. 19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list. 20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list. How true is this??

Sex researcher asking some farmers about their sexual preferences: First farmer was Welsh,Researcher asks him: "Sir have you ever made love to an animal on your farm"? yes he replies "And what animal would that be sir" "A sheep of course" "and how do you do it sir"? "Pair of wellies on ,back legs down the wellies up with the tail and away you go wonderful" "thankyou sir" the interviewer replies Next in is a Scottish farmer and he asks him the same questions and gets the same reply The third farmer is an Aussie "have you ever made love to an animal on your farm sir"? "Sure have Bruce" He asks what animal " A bloody sheep what else" "And how do you do it sir" he asks "easy pair of wellies on, sheeps back legs down the wellies, front legs round my neck and away ya go" Bloke says " you do it different in Australia, in britain they take them from the back" Aussie replies" How the fu*k do ya kiss em"

Performance Evaluations For everyone who has ever had an evaluation - just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from Federal Government employee performance evaluations. 1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig." 2. "I would not allow this employee to breed." 3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be." 4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." 5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet." 6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy." 7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them." 8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." 9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better." 10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.." 11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus." 12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier." 14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime." 15. "He's been working with glue too much." 16. "He would argue with a signpost." 17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room." 18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell." 19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one." 20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on." 21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection." 22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it." 23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming." 24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it." 25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week." 26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change." 27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean." 28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm." 29. "One neuron short of a synapse." 30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled." 31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'." 32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead" 33. "Got into the gene pool when the Lifeguard wasn't looking"