Palatkik

Irony:

TEN PUNS:

1. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

2. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

6. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

7. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

8. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

9. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

10. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

I've had nothing but bad luck with Top Chareon - they are too pricey. The last pair I bought there cost 30,000THB and that with 50% off price for progressives and foreign frame! It was my first and last time as they had to change the lenses on first try as the result was not good. Happened to me twice at TC.

I went to an opticians in Siam sq, loads there, and got my prescription measured up. Then ordered for fraction the price from Zenni.com using prescription. Glasses arrive in post about 10-14 days later out of Hong Kong.

Trump says he a lot's of respect for women, but when you think about it, logically that doesn't make sense - unless Respect is the brand name of a date rape drug?

The Grand Old Duke of York – he was a manic depressive. Well, when he was up, he was up…

Pattaya Immigration Officer: What does your wife do for a living?

Farang: ...its difficult to say what she does...

Pattaya Immigration Officer: Why?

Farang: She sells seashells on the seashore.

Wife:For Xmas would you like one of them things that tests your blood pressure?

Me:You can f-off if you think your mums coming to stay again!

Shakespeare walked into an Olde English pub and the landlord yelled "Oi Shakespeare, get out of here you're Bard".

What did the shepherds wife say to him? "You herd".

Cockneys watching Jaws must think 'I don't get it, why does Roy Scheider need a bigger face?'

^+1 for Swiss Army Man, top movie!

Two ugly sisters from Fordham,

Went out for a walk out of boredom,

On the way back,

A sex maniac,

Stepped out of a bush and ignored 'em.

Grandpa "How to print on his new computer son?".

Grandson "Use Ctrl-P".

Grandpa "Haven't been able to do that for years."

When a guy got caught in the merchant navy as a stowaway he offered to work his passage, so obviously he became very popular among the crew.

“Watson! I’ve overdosed on Immodium!†“No shit, Sherlock.â€