Palatkik

Cockneys watching Jaws must think 'I don't get it, why does Roy Scheider need a bigger face?'

^+1 for Swiss Army Man, top movie!

Two ugly sisters from Fordham,

Went out for a walk out of boredom,

On the way back,

A sex maniac,

Stepped out of a bush and ignored 'em.

Grandpa "How to print on his new computer son?".

Grandson "Use Ctrl-P".

Grandpa "Haven't been able to do that for years."

When a guy got caught in the merchant navy as a stowaway he offered to work his passage, so obviously he became very popular among the crew.

“Watson! I’ve overdosed on Immodium!†“No shit, Sherlock.â€

The couple next door recently made a sex video.

Obviously they don't that yet...

A life long bachelor referred to himself as asexual, whereas those who knew him also called him b-gay.

A guy made a "Will You Marry Me" sign with balloons outside the house of a girl he only knew from the Internet. Then when he finally saw her face he popped the question.

Obviously most men are addicted to pussy. "Is the Pope a cat-aholic?".

Do you find that pornography fills a hole in your life?

I'd put 5 dollars on the Dalai Lama.... if I was a Tibetan man.

When a Welshman says "This is my fantasy" it might not be about Euro 2016, he might just be talking about his soda drink.

To the woman who once boasted she gave a hand job to Albert Einstein. What a stroke of genius.

A circus opened a competition for a contortionist, so a guy entered himself, and won!

A old guy was feeling close to death, so to complete his bucket list he went and got himself an oily back massage. After that he went downhill quickly.

A grief councilor died recently but luckily he was so good no one gave a shit.

A story going around that the tennis player Roger Federer was originally called Roger Feder, but he met another guy called Roger Feder so he changed his surname as he was determined to be Federer.

When an foreign news interviewer put it to a military commander "Surely the assassination of Bin Laden will turn him from terrorist to martyr?". The commander replied "You say to martyr we say tomato".

A guy couldn't count to ten in French. "Un deux trois quatre cinq six sept ... arghhhhhh @#!!".

He suffered from a huit allergy.

A young boys father was a dustman, but the kid didn't like his dad collecting him from school. It's not that he was ashamed his father was a dustman, he just didn't know which day he was going to come.

Tantric Sex The Movie - Not Coming Soon!

A guy in a fish restaurant started to cough, so the guy on the next table ignored him. Then he coughed even loader and was ignored again. Then he coughed and sounded like he was choking so the guy next to him slapped him really hard on the back. Turns out he was just speaking Dutch.

1. Dear Annie, how can I best ask a girl if she will try Alan? Also how do I turn off predictive text?
   

Some say firefighters deserve more money but when a pole was taken they all fell through a hole in the floor.