Hamokhamok

Wrong Answer - Brilliant

 

WIFE:

 

What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

 

HUSBAND:

 

Definitely not!

 

WIFE:

 

Why not - don't you like being married?

 

HUSBAND:

 

Of course I do.

 

WIFE:

 

Then why wouldn't you remarry?

 

HUSBAND:

 

Okay, I'd get married again.

 

WIFE:

 

You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).

 

HUSBAND:

 

(Makes audible groan).

 

WIFE:

 

Would you live in our house?

 

HUSBAND:

 

Sure, it's a great house.

 

WIFE:

 

Would you sleep with her in our bed?

 

HUSBAND:

 

Where else would we sleep?

 

WIFE:

 

Would you let her drive my car?

 

HUSBAND:

 

Probably, it is almost new.

 

WIFE:

 

Would you replace my pictures with hers?

 

HUSBAND:

 

That would seem like the proper thing to do.

 

WIFE:

 

Would she use my golf clubs?

 

HUSBAND:

 

No, she's left-handed.

 

WIFE:

 

- silence - -

 

HUSBAND:

 

F*ck......

THE WOMAN POEM:

 

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man who's not a creep.

One who's handsome, smart, and strong.

One who loves to listen long.

One who thinks before he speaks.

One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's rich and self-employed,

And when I spend, won't be annoyed.

Will pull out my chair and hold my hand.

Massage my feet and help me stand.

Oh, send a king to make me queen.

A man who loves to cook and clean.

I pray this man will love no other.

And relish visits with my mother.

 

THE MAN POEM:

 

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with

big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,

and loves to send me fishing and drinking.

 

This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

*Beware of older men - they only get wiser!**

*

 

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.

She spends £15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

 

On her way home, she stops at a newsagent to buy a newspaper. Before

leaving, she says to the salesgirl, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but

how old do you think I am

 

'About 32,' is the reply.'

 

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

 

 

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the

very same question.

 

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

 

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

 

 

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a chemist on her

way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some toothpaste and

asks the sales assistant this burning question.

 

The sales assistant responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

 

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

 

 

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to

her the same question.

 

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was

young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very

forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then,

and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

 

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best

of her.

 

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

 

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very

slowly and carefully.

 

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

 

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

 

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

 

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says,

'Madam, you are 50.'

 

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you

tell?'

 

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

 

'I promise I won't' she says.

 

'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

Hitler intends to save Ireland

 

 

If you have computer problems....this may be the cause

 

 

As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

 

I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

 

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

 

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

 

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

 

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,

 

'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

 

Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before? 'No,' I replied.

 

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

 

So I wrote down:

 

 

 

 

ID10T

 

 

 

 

I used to like Eric, the little bastard

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 80-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 80-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was

as clean and empty as on the

previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried

with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.

She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.....'

 

The doctor was shocked!

'You asked your neighbor?'

 

 

 

 

 

The old man replied,

'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

ARABS

 

 

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.

Lets have a look at the evidence: ??-

No Christmas?-

No television?-

No nude women?-

No football?-

No pork chops?-

No hotdogs?-

No burgers?-

No beer?-

No bacon?-

Rags for clothes?-

Towels for hats?-

Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower?-

More than one wife?-

More than one mother in law?-

You can't shave?-

Your wife can't shave?-

You can't wash off the smell of donkey?-

You wipe your arse with your hand?-

You cook over burning camel shit?-

Your wife is picked by someone else?-

Your wife smells worse than your donkey ??

Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"??

No shit Sherlock!.... ?....It's not like it could get much fucking worse!

Guy goes into an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

 

Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"

Customer says, "Female."

 

...Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"

Customer says, "White."

 

Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"

 

Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"

Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up."

Skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and

sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big

guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says:

'7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner

Brown.'

 

The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor.

 

The big guy kneels down and brings him to,

shaking him.. The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'

 

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What

EXACTLY did you say to me?'

 

The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and

figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always

asks me...... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis,

my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'

 

The little white Irishman says:

 

'Turner Brown?'....'Sweet Jesus', I thought you said, 'Turn around!'

86-year Old Lady's Letter to Bank

 

 

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

 

 

 

 

Dear Sir:

 

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it..

 

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

 

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

 

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

 

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

 

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

 

Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

 

Please find attached an Application Contract which I require your chosen employee to complete.

 

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

 

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

 

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

 

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

 

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

 

Let me level the playing field even further.

 

 

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

 

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

 

#1. To make an appointment to see me

 

#2. To query a missing payment.

 

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

 

 

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping

 

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

 

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home

 

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.

 

Password will be communicated to you at a later date due to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

 

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

 

 

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

 

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

 

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

 

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

 

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

 

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

 

 

Your Humble Client

 

And remember: Don't make old People mad.

 

We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

THE GYNAECOLOGIST WHO BECAME A MECHANIC

 

 

 

 

 

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork,

and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would

be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local

technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and

learned all he could.

 

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared

carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the

results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of

150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to

appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is

an error in the grade?"

 

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly,

which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together

again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

 

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you

did it all through the exhaust, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

DINNER:

 

Awhile back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a date at

her parents home.

 

I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.

 

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail.

Lobster. Champagne.

 

I asked her, Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?

 

No, she replied. but my mother is not expecting a blow job tonight.

 

 

I said "enjoy"..

I LOVE THIS WOMAN

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship

holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said,

"Pardon me, madam..

I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress

is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady.

"I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties

and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man

and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.

I just bought this hat yesterday!"

Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers is?

 

Well here it is:

 

A friend, who worked for the ambulance service, always made a morning available when he would take his 6-year old granddaughter for a drive in the car for some bonding time-- just him and his granddaughter.

 

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and just wanted to stay in bed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out in the car.

 

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see how her Grandfather was.

 

 

 

'Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?'

 

'Yes, Grandad' the girl replied, 'and do you know what?

 

 

 

We didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, dick-head or wanker anywhere today!'

Yes I should have done that in the first place.

 

Will know better next time.

 

Thanks.

Ok must remember that for the future - no photos like that.

 

Apologies KS

Flashermac.

 

I couldn't get the picture to be below the text.

 

Any suggestions on how I can control the text and picture ???

 

I don't appear to be able to go back in and Edit it either now.

THIS IS NOT FOR THE FAINT-HEARTED -- DEFINITELY NOT FOR CHILDREN! - Read this 1st!

 

 

Below is an actual photo of a person being shot at close range with a handgun. You can read here to prepare you for the moment.

 

Seeing folks actually pulling the trigger on another human may not be your cup of tea.

Violence can be a brutal event. We tend to sit back in our living rooms, and view the barrage of information that comes across from our media. We can easily become desensitized to the real gravity and danger of the world within which we exist.

Lives may be ended or altered forever during the heat of confrontation. When I first saw this photo, my heart was instantly brought face to face with "cold" reality.

 

[Removed the pic - no nudity allowed on the board - KS]

 

 

 

A keyboard for old men.

 

 

Enjoy

A

He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

 

 

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play my bagpipes.

 

The worker put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

 

 

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

 

 

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,

 

"I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Snowman

 

 

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

 

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report

that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she

explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've

stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and

even the accelerator!' she cried. The dispatcher said,

'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.' A few minutes

later, the officer radios in 'Disregard.' He says.

'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'

 

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!

 

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house

together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts

her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters,

'Was I getting in or out of the bath?' The

94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come

up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses

'Was I going up the stairs or down? The 92-year-old is

sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her

sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I

never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then

yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as

I see who's at the door.'

 

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

 

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf

one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy,

isn't it?' 'No,' the second man replied,

'it's Thursday.' And the third man chimed in,

'So am I. Let's have a beer.'

 

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

 

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a

nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of

her nightgown and say 'Supersex.' She walked up to

an elderly man in a wheelchair.. Flipping her gown at him,

she said, 'Supersex.' He sat silently for a moment

or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the

soup.'

 

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

 

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both

could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising

along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red,

but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger

seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could

have sworn we just went Through a red light.'

 

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection

and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The

woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light

had been red but was really concerned that she was losing

it. She was getting nervous.

 

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red

and they went on through. So, She turned to the other woman

and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran

through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us

both!'

 

Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?'

 

 

Redneck