Hamokhamok

> A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a

> glass of champagne. The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I

> just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

> 'What a coincidence,' the farmer said. ''This is a special day for

> me...I'm celebrating.'

> 'This is a special day for me too...I'm also celebrating!' said the woman.

> 'What a coincidence!' said the farmer.

> As they clinked glasses he asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

> 'My husband and I have been trying to have a

> child, and today my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!'

> 'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer, and for years

> all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized

> eggs.'

> 'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

> 'I used a different cock,' he replied.

> The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.?

 

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You B*****ds who want off, get the f**k off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you B*****ds who are getting on, get the f**k on, cause we're going down the tracks'.?

 

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't Use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.?

 

When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want You to Use nice language.'?

 

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed Playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,

'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.?

We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'?

 

She hears the little boy continue,?

 

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.?

We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us Today.'?

 

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........?

 

'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen.'?

 

THE FUTURE OF NURSERY RHYMES

 

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall

 

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

 

The structure of the wall was incorrect

 

So he won a grand with Claims Direct.

 

 

 

It's Raining, It's Pouring.

 

Oh sh!t, it's Global Warming.

 

 

 

Jack and Jill went into town

 

To fetch some chips and sweeties.

 

He can't keep his heart rate down

 

And she's got diabetes.

 

 

 

Mary had a little skirt

 

with splits right up the sides

 

and everywhere that Mary went

 

the boys could see her thighs.

 

Mary had another skirt

 

'twas split right up the front

 

...But she didn't wear that one often.

 

 

 

Mary had a little lamb

 

her father shot it dead.

 

Now it goes to school with her

 

between two chunks of bread.

 

 

 

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.

 

Said Simple Simon to the pie man

 

'What have u got there?'

 

Said the pie man unto Simon

 

Pies you d!ckhead.

 

 

 

Mary had a little lamb

 

it ran into a pylon.

 

10,000 volts went up its @rse

 

and turned its wool to nylon.

 

 

 

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie

 

kissed the girls and made them cry.

 

When the boys came out to play

 

he kissed them too cause he was gay.

 

 

 

Jack and Jill

 

went up the hill

 

to have a little fun.

 

Jill, the dill,

 

forgot her pill,

 

and now they have a son.

 

 

 

Jack and Jill

 

Went up the hill

 

And planned to do some kissing.

 

Jack made a pass

 

and grabbed her @rse

 

Now two of his teeth are missing.

 

 

 

Mary had a little lamb

 

Its fleece was white and wispy.

 

Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease

 

And now it's black and crispy.

 

What happened to the Irish terrorist who tried

to blow up a bus?

He burnt his mouth on the exhaust pipe.

 

 

How do you get a one-armed Irishman

out of a tree?

Wave.

 

 

Why wasnâ??t Jesus born in Ireland?

Because they couldnâ??t find three wise men or a virgin.

 

There once was a man from Nantucket

Whose dick was so long he could suck it

He said with a grin

As he wiped off his chin

â??If my ear was a cunt, I would fuck itâ??

 

 

There was a young chap called Dave

Who kept a dead whore in a cave

He said, â??I admit

She does smell a bit

But look at the money I saveâ??

 

 

I love my dog and he loves me

And thatâ??s the way love is supposed to be

But when it comes to having sex

â??Woof Woof Woof!â?? barks my dog Rex

 

How do you kill a circus?

Go for the juggler.

 

 

Why do elephants have big ears?

Because Noddy wouldnâ??t pay the ransom.

 

 

Whatâ??s a shitzu?

A zoo with no animals.

 

 

Why does Edward Woodward have so many Dâ??s

in his name?

Because otherwise heâ??d be Ewar Woowar.

 

 

Where does Kylie buy her kebabs from?

Jasonâ??s doner-van.

 

 

A man walks into a lift, which already has a

very attractive woman in it.

 

As the lift is going up he asks, â??Excuse me

miss, can I smell your fanny?â??.

 

â??Certainly not!â?? came her astonished reply.

 

â??Ah! It must be your feet then.â??

 

 

 

 

What do you call ten vaginas stacked up

on top of each other?

 

A block of flaps.

What do you call a Serbian prostitute?

 

Slobberdownmycockyoubitch.

How do you get a fat girl into bed?

Piece of cake.

 

I like my women the way I like my coffee:

ground up, in my freezer.

 

Whatâ??s it called when a woman is paralysed

from the waist down?

Marriage.

 

Why do women have legs?

Have you seen the mess snails make?

 

An undertaker says to a bereaved husband,

â??When did you realise your wife was dead?â??

â??Well,â?? he replies, â??the sex was the same but

the dishes just kept piling up...â??

Why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife is dead.

 

Did you hear about the man with five penises?

His pants fit like a glove.

 

Had my first blow job today.

â?¦ Five whiskeys and I still canâ??t get rid of the taste.

 

Whatâ??s blue and sticky?

Smurf cum.

 

What did Cinderella do when she

got to the ball?

She choked.

 

What is the difference between a dog

and a fox?

About five drinks.

 

Three Jews win the lottery and scoop the £8m

jackpot. They are getting ready to divvy up the

cash and one says: â??Right, so thatâ??s £2 million

to me, £2 million to each of you, and £2 million

to the Germansâ??.

The other two reply, â??£2 million to the fucking

GERMANS? What the fuck for?â??.

Says the first Jew, rolling up his sleeve: â??Well,

they did give us the numbersâ??.

Hitler walks into the meeting room and turns

to his trusted staff, â??I want you to organise the

execution of 10 000 Jews and two hedgehogsâ??.

Everyone looks around the table and after a

long silence Goering pipes up, â??Mein Führer,

why do you want to kill two hedgehogs?â??.

Hitler smiles and turns to the rest of the table,

â??You see, no one cares about the Jewsâ??.

Whatâ??s the last recorded message on the space

shuttleâ??s black-box?

â??Go on then, let the woman drive.â??

 

Whatâ??s NASAâ??s official drink?

Seven Up on the rocks with a splash of Teacherâ??s.

 

Why does NASA drink Sprite?

Because they canâ??t get Seven-Up.

 

What does NASA stand for?

Need Another Seven Astronauts.

Why is Stevie Wonder always smiling?

He doesnâ??t know heâ??s black.

 

How did Stevie Wonder burn his ear?

The phone rang and he answered the iron.

 

How did Stevie Wonder burn his other ear?

They called back.

 

You ever seen Stevie Wonderâ??s wife?

Neither has he.

The Colonoscopy

 

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,

trying to decide who was the one in charge.

 

'I should be in charge,' said the brain,

'Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen.'

 

 

'I should be in charge,' said the blood ,

'because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away.'

 

 

 

'I should be in charge,' said the stomach ,

'because I process food and give all of you energy.'

 

 

'I should be in charge,' said the legs,

'because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.'

 

 

'I should be in charge,' said the eyes,

'Because I allow the body to see where it goes.'

 

 

'I should be in charge,' said the rectum,

'Because I'm responsible for waste removal.'

 

 

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum

and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days,

the brain had a terrible headache,

the stomach was bloated,

the legs got wobbly,

the eyes got watery,

and the blood was toxic.

They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?

The ass hole is usually the one in charge!

 

If you don't send this to at least three people....who gives a shit?

 

 

 

5 minute management course

 

Lesson 1:

 

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

 

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

 

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

 

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

 

 

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

 

 

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

 

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

 

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

 

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

 

 

 

Moral of the story:

 

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

 

 

 

Lesson 2:

 

 

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

 

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

 

The priest nearly had an accident.

 

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

 

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

 

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

 

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

 

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

 

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

 

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

 

 

 

Lesson 3:

 

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

 

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Puff! She's gone.

 

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

 

Puff! He's gone.

 

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

 

 

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

 

Lesson 4

 

 

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

 

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

 

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

 

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

 

 

 

 

Lesson 5

 

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

 

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

 

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

 

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

 

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

 

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

 

 

Moral of the story:

Bull Sh * t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

 

 

 

Lesson 6

 

 

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

 

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

 

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

 

The dung was actually thawing him out!

 

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

 

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

 

 

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who sh*ts o n you is your enemy.

 

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh * t is your

friend.

 

(3) And when you're in deep sh * t, it's best to keep

your mouth shut!

 

 

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

 

Just saw on the 5 O'clock News that State Police found an unidentified man's body in a park nearby.

 

 

 

They describe him as having a Beer Belly, Saggy Balls, Wrinkled Ass and a Small Dick.

 

 

 

I was just checking to make sure that all you guys are okay.

 

Rodeo Time

 

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

 

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

 

 

The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

 

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

 

''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

 

The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, 'That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.'

 

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,

 

'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

 

The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said,'That's once a day.You could REALLY learn something from this one

 

The husband looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'

 

The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery.

 

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

 

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.

2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

 

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

 

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts..

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

5) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

 

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

 

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you

once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

 

 

SUCCESS:

 

At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . having friends.

At age 17 success is . having a drivers licence.

At age 35 success is . .. having money.

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers licence.

At age 75 success is . . . having friends.

At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

 

 

 

................

 

 

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?

A: It's Braille for " suck here. "

 

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?

A: It's the same as a French kiss, but " down under. "

 

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?

A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

 

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN ?

A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go,

they take your f**king house and car with them.

 

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?

A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

 

AND:

 

Q: WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARASSMENT?

A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose

 

Next time you go to hospital check the top of your chart

 

 

Medical slang

 

 

 

Angel lust: a male corpse with an erection (not uncommon). Is also sometimes used to mean death that occurred during intercourse.

 

BFH: Brat From Hell, usually accompanied by PFH, i.e., Parent(s) from Hell

 

Bobbing for apples: unblocking a badly constipated patient with one's finger

 

Bury the Hatchet: accidently leave a surgical instrument inside a patient.

 

Code brown: Incontinence-related emergency

 

DBI: Dirtbag index, which is calculated by the number of tattoos on the body multiplied by number of recentmissing teeth, to estimate days without a bath

 

Donorcycle: motorbike, the biggest cause of donated organs!

 

FTF: Failure to fly, for attempted suicide victims

 

GPO: Good for Parts Only

 

Journal Of Anecdotal Medicine: The source to quote for less than evidence-based medical facts

 

N=1 trial: Polite term for experimenting on a patient

 

Neuro-fecal Syndrome: S**t for brains

 

Organ recital: A hypochondriac's medical history

 

O-sign: Found on the very sick patient who lies with mouth open. Precedes Q-sign

 

Q-sign: Following the O-sign, it's when the terminal patient's tongue hangs out of their open mouth

 

Rule of five: If more than five orifices are obscured by plastic tubing then the patient's condition is critical

 

TFBUNDY: Totally f*cked but unfortunately not dead yet. Best avoided in the medical notes

 

TUBE: Totally unnecessary breast examination

 

UBI: Unexplained beer injury, for all those hungover people on Sunday mornings with black eyes or swollen knees and no idea how they'd got them

 

Whopper with cheese: Fat woman with yeast infection

 

 

 

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks.

 

While they're sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this really great new drink.

 

The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.

 

After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him.

 

The bartender brings the drink and puts the following Items on the bar: A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.

 

The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.

 

"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."

 

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.

 

He puts the salt on his tongue... salty but okay.

 

He drinks the shot of Baileys... smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant.

 

He thinks... this is okay.

 

Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.

 

In one second the sharp lime taste hits...

 

At two seconds the Baileys curdles.

 

At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like consistency hits.

 

At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot.

 

This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.

 

When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Jesus, what do you call that drink?"

 

She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge."

 

===========================================================================================

 

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime. They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager. As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, "Gee, she's fat!"

 

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boys ear to be quiet. A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they would go and announced, "I'll bet her butt is this wide!"

 

The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy. The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet. After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line.

 

Just then, her pager begin to emit a beep, beep,beep.

 

The little boy yells out, "Run for your life, she's backing up!"