The_Munchmaster

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

 

Glasgow cop says," License and registration, please."

 

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

 

Glasgow cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

 

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

 

Glasgow cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. Your license and registration, please."

 

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

 

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. Your license and registration, please."

 

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

 

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

 

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow cop then takes out his baton and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.

 

She was wearing a loose-fitting pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and t-shirt.

 

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.

 

Noticing the wife, the gorilla immediately went crazy.

 

He jumped on the bars and, holding on with one hand and 2 feet, he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously very excited by the pretty lady in the pink dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.

 

He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got extremely excited, now making noises that would wake the dead.

 

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her dress straps fall to show a little more skin. She did and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down!

 

"Now, show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips and charging the bars!

 

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla, slammed the cage door shut and said, "Now, tell him you've got a headache."

...Not even a Dum Cnut would post the same gag...intentionally...55555....

Torneyboy also reposted one of my jokes, difference is he reposted it twice! Maybe it's an Aussie thing.

 

Coma Sex

 

There's a woman in a hospital in a coma. Her nurse notices after a few days that every time she sponge bathes the woman around the crotch, her vital signs, according to the nearby monitor, increase significantly. The nurse gets the bright idea that oral sex might just provide the stimulus to bring the woman out of her coma. She calls the woman's husband, tells him her idea about oral sex, and he agrees.

 

When he arrives at the hospital, the nurse ushers him into the room, closes the curtain around the bed, and closes the door. Five minutes later, the man comes running out of the room screaming that all of his wife's vital signs have plummeted to zero and she needs a doctor immediately. The nurse, upset that her idea had not only not worked, but seemed to be threatening the life of the woman she had sought to save, asked the man what had happened.

 

"I'm not sure, but I think she choked".

Here is the script of a recent interview between Madonna and Ali G.

 

Ali: So Madge, is you really preggers or as you just got a spare tyre up your jumper?

 

Madonna: No, I am five months pregnant, Ali.

 

Ali: Wicked. So you ain't bin frough da menaplaws yet den?

 

M: No, I thought I'd better have another baby before my time ran out, so to speak.

 

Ali: Aiiih, fer real. An who is da dad? Does you even know who da dad is?

 

M: Of course I know who the father is. It's my boyfriend, Guy.

 

Ali: An is e related to dat geezer who make all da fireworks for bonfire night?

 

M: No, he's a film director. He directed 'Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels'.

 

Ali: Wow, dat is a wicked film. Did you know dat Vinnie Jones once grabbed Gazza's balls an squeezed em till Gazza started cryin. Dat was bad,man. Respec to Vinnie, but if e did dat to me I'd knock im spark out wiv da one inch punch.

 

M: I've met Vinnie and he is a very nice guy actually.

 

Ali: Whatever. Anyways, you is known as da Immaterial Girl. Is dat cos your talent is immaterial compared to your ability to get your kit off?

 

M: Actually Ali, I am sometimes referred to as the *Material* Girl.

 

Ali: But dat is a bit stupid, innit? Every time I sees you, you ain't even wearing any material. You is usually stark bollock naked, if you ekscuseme french.

 

M: That's not true. I did write a book called 'SEX' a while ago and I appeared nude in several photos, but that was more artistic than pornographic.

 

Ali: Aiiih, me mate Dave borrowed me dat book an you was showing your punnani on nearly every page. Well, all da pages dat were stuck togever after me mate Dave kept spillin is coffee on dem. Well, dat is what e told me, but I fink e was usin it to crack one off, if you know what I mean?

 

M: I think I know what you mean Ali. Boys will be boys.

 

Ali: Fer real, an you don't mind im crackin one off all over you?

 

M: No, not at all. I'm quite flattered actually.

 

Ali: You wouldn't be sayin dat if you saw Dave. E is mingin. Anyway, in one a dem pictures you is gettin it from behind by dat Vanilla Ice. Me mate Dave reckoned you was takin it up da ass, but me Julie says dat you is too classy for dat.

 

M: I wasn't taking it in either orifice.

 

Ali: Why's dat? Couldn't da Ice Ice Baby get it up? Cos I erd e is a batty boy.

 

M: No, it was just a photograph. Nothing was going on. It was a book about fantasies, that's all.

 

Ali: Aiiih. But as you ever takin it up da Gary Glitter? Or is dat a personal question?

 

M: I have had all kinds of sex in my time, Ali. I've tried everything, including anal sex.

 

Ali: Wicked. Now me Julie ain't got no excuses. Next time she says no, I'll tell er if it's good enuff for Madonna, it's good enuff for a bitch from East Staines.

 

M: You shouldn't force someone into doing it Ali.

 

Ali: No, me just slide it in an pretend it was an accident.

 

M: No, Ali.

 

Ali: Anyway, what about dat Naomi Campbell? Did you really av a lez up wiv er while Big Daddy Kane was watchin? Cos dat is eksactly da fing I wants me Julie to do. She can get jiggy wiv one of er mates from da airdressers, maybe Becky or dat Sally bitch, an all I is askin is to watch. Den maybe join in when dey is gaggin for a cock.

 

M: I've heard that is a fantasy for most men. That is why I put it in the book.

 

Ali: Fer real. So I ain't a pervert den, like me Julie keeps tellin me.

 

M: No, not at all.

 

Ali: Fer real. I is in for a treat tonight. A freesome, an up da batty for Julie when me gets home.

 

M: Only if she wants to Ali.

 

Ali: Whatever. Was you really a virgin when you sang dat 'Like A Virgin'?

 

M: No. It wasn't literally about being a virgin. It was a metaphor for how someone can make you feel when they touch you.

 

Ali: On da punnani?

 

M: No, anywhere.

 

Ali: Me know what you is sayin. Me Julie said she was a virgin da first time I shagged er in da changin rooms of da John Nike Leisure Centre. But den I shagged er again a few momphs later after da all-night drum'n'bass party an she told me she was a virgin den too. I fink she was lyin a second time.

 

M: I think she might have been lying the first time as well.

 

Ali: Is you sayin me Julie as been wiv someone else?

 

M: Maybe.

 

Ali: Dat is it. I is dumpin er. I ain't goin wiv no slapper. Anyway,I erd dat is you knockin on fifty. Ain't you fought about retirin? Surely you as got enuff squid in da bank.

 

M: Actually, I'm only in my early forties. And I will never retire, even after I have my second child. I love work too much.

 

Ali: Den you is mad. If I ad as much squid as you I'd just sit back an chill wiv da biggest spliff in da world an listen to speed garage all day. Now I know why you is called MADonna, cos you is MAD. Anyway, fank you Madonna.

 

M: Why, thank you Ali. And would you like to be in my new video?

 

Ali: Aiiih, wicked. As long as dere ain't no batty boys in it like dat Rupert Everest. Dis time you can bounce on a real man's lap, if you know what I is sayin. Respec. So, to all you bitches out dere. If your boyfriend aks you to take it up da ass or av a freesome e is not a pervert. Me main girl Madonna ere says it's cool. West side!

A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.

 

After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch but it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud,"Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

 

The parrot answers the guy's question, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

 

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."

 

"I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

 

"Oh, yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this. How do you hang on to your perch without any feet?"

 

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

 

"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer, can't you?"

 

"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy...and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion."

 

The guy looks at the price tag. $200. He says, "I can't afford that."

 

"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20, just make an offer."

 

The guy offers 20 dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

 

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not", says the parrot,but it's about your wife and the mailman..."

 

"What?" says the guy. "What?"

 

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."

 

"What happened then?" asks the guy.

 

"Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot.

 

"My God!!" the guy says. "Then what?"

 

"Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to lick her body, starting with her breasts slowly going down and down..."

 

The parrot pauses for a long time...

 

"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.

 

"I don't know," says the parrot, "I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

The Altzeimers is really taking hold TB. That's the third time that jokes been posted and two times by you!!

....i didn't get it 1st time around and your explanation still does nothing for me....

You and KS should stick to the 'knock knock' jokes. Nice and simple.

 

That's the second time today that you have referred to us as 'Scotch'.

 

We're not 'Scotch', we're 'Scots' or 'Scottish'. :thumbup:

Two blokes looking in a mens clothing shop window at a shirt -

 

"That's the one I'd get" says one bloke, and Cyclops came round the corner and punched his head in...

Hee, hee, hee.

 

I'm fucked if I know what she could possibly be smiling about.

I was asked to run a marathon. I said, "Piss off". They said "Come on, it's for spastics and blind kids." Then I thought... "F*ck, I could win this."

Two black guys were walking along a road when they were struck by a police car driven by a drunken cop on his way home from the pub. One guy was thrown through the windscreen and the other was knocked down an embankment. The first guy was charged with breaking and entering and the second with leaving the scene of an accident.

Three blonde sisters went to a garage sale and bought a Genie lamp and took it home. When they got home the Genie came out and said: "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you." The first said, "I wish I were more intelligent." So the Genie turned her into redhead. The second blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than her." She became a brunette. The third blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than both of them." So the Genie turned her into a man.

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

 

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.

 

Paddy replied, "We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder."

 

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.

 

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.

 

Then, she walked off.

 

Mick said to Paddy, "Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the height and she gives us the length."

Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a French journalist and animal rights activist.

 

The discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, 'What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?'

 

Nugent replied, 'Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French.'

 

The interview ended at that point.

He should have just shagged her.

A Munchie special

It would still have cost me more than â?¬150.

 

:thumbup:

It wasn't that funny!

 

We want new jokes TB.

When I first saw the picture of the guy with the red CK underwear I thought it was Candyfloss! There's definitely a striking resemblance when he hasn't shaved for a few days.

Pictures that were taken shortly before they were deported to Australia. :smirk:

Of course he would, because Scots have class. He would step over them, pick up the whisky and, while gazing at their beautiful bodies and deciding what would be the best position with which to pleasure them all at the same time, slowly drink the whisky, savouring every last drop of nectar and comparing it to the juices that would soon be flowing from the wet pussies in front of him, then disrobe and shag them.

 

An Aussie would of course fall flat on his face, in his urgency to get his strides off while still wearing his shoes, and make a right arse of himself.

Scraping the barrel now TB.

Lame excuse. Bollocks.