The_Munchmaster

Teddy, you're obviously really hard up for new material when you resort to posting jokes that I already posted on 13 August.

A Muslim couple, preparing for their wedding meet the Mullah for counselling.

The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks, "We realize its a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not", says the Mullah, "itâ??s immoral. Men and women always dance separately."

"So after the ceremony, I canâ??t even dance with my wife?"

"No", answered the Mullah, "its forbidden in Islam."

"Well. OK", says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"

"Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Sex is OK within marriage to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man.

"No problem", says the Mullah.

"Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Sure", says the Mullah. "Go for it."

"Doggy style?"

"Sure!"

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes!"

"Can we do it with all my four wives together, on rubber sheets, with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porn video?"

"You may indeed!" replied the Mullah.

"Can we do it standing up?"

"Certainly not!", says the Mullah.

"But why not?" asks the man.

"Because that could lead to dancing", replied the Mullah.

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Pakistan.

Two million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

The United States is sending troops to help.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Latin American countries are sending supplies.

New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.

The rest of the European community (except France) is sending money.

The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.

Australia is sending medical teams and supplies

The Brits, not to be outdone, are sending two million replacement Pakistanis!

God Bless British generosity!!!

Agreed. However the conference organiser was English, which explains the cock-up.

Teddy, the football match was a 'friendly' international between Scotland and England which was being played at Hampden Park in Glasgow. The Englishmen had taken the GNER service from London to Edinburgh the previous day, before travelling through to Glasgow on match day. They were staying in Edinburgh because they felt a lot safer there.

OK lets have one about chaps from Sydney:

Teddy, are you suggesting that Sydney is full of wankers? :hubba:

Actually Teddy it was a Scottish train, which was travelling from Edinburgh to Glasgow, and the toilets on Scottish trains are somewhat larger than on the English versions.

First of all there is an obvious typo in line 13, which should read,

"the Scotsmen. When they board the train the three Scots cram into a toilet and the three Englishmen cram into another"

The joke is not a laugh your cock off type of joke, it's more of a subtle joke (and this probably explains Mekongs problem) which would warrant more of a subdued chortle rather than a hearty laugh. However neither reaction should occur prior to the words "tickets please".

Hope this helps.

Quite right Teddy, you can't have the punchline before the end of the joke. What the feck is Mekong on about (apart from the obvious mistake in that particular line of the joke)?

I'm sure Teddy posted this one some time ago.

Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone?

A: A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

Jock was returning home from the pub, smelling like a distillery.

He flopped on a bus seat next to a priest. His tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. Then he turned to the priest and asked him, "Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Well my son, it's the result of loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much whisky and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well I'll be damned!" Jock muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, feeling a little guilty, said, "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't, Father. But I was just reading here that the Pope does.

Jock finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial problems. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. "God, please help me. Ah've lost ma wee store and if Ah dinna get some money, Ah'm going to lose my hoose too. Please let me win the lottery!"

Lottery night! Someone else wins.

Jock prays again. "God, please let me win the lottery! Ah've lost my wee store, ma hoose and Ah'm going to lose ma car as weel!"

Lottery night again! Still no luck.

Jock prays again. "Dear God, Ah've lost ma business, ma hoose and ma car. Ma bairns are starving. Ah dinna often ask Ye for help and Ah have always been a good servant to Ye. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so Ah can get back on ma feet!"

Suddenly there is a blinding flash as the heavens open and the voice of God Himself thunders down:

"Jock at least meet Me half way ..... and buy a ticket!"

Aaaah, so you consider yourselves to be, "poor Aussies".

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting they began to wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven?

So when St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer.....for a couple of months and while they waited, they discussed the pros and cons.

"What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together FOREVER?"

Another month passed and St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You CAN get married in Heaven."

"Great!" they said, "But we were also wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof.

So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number. The bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull dog.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then Iâ??m going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this Baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to clamp his jaws on to the bears groin area and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for Me to put it in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

The scene is set, the night is cold, the campfire is burning and the stars twinkle in the dark night sky...

Three hang-glider pilots, one from Australia, one from South Africa and the other from New Zealand, are sitting round a campfire near Ayers Rock, each embroiled with the bravado for which they are famous.

A night of tall tales begins....

Kiven, the kiwi says, "I must be the meanest, toughest heng glider dude there us. Why, just the other day, I linded in a field and scared a crocodile thet got loose from the swamp. Et ate sux men before I wrestled ut to the ground weth my bare hends end beat ut's bliddy 'ed un.

Jerry from South Africa typically can't stand to be bettered. "Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight on a tiny treck, ind a fifteen foot Namibian desert snike slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grebbed thet borsted with my bare hinds and tore it's head orf ind sucked the poison down in one gulp. Ind I'm still here today".

Barry the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.

Why wasn't Jesus born in Sydney?

They couldnt find three wise men and a virgin.

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Australian are talking about sex.

The Italian says, "When i have finished making love to my girl, she levitates six inches from the bed."

The Frenchman says, "That's nothing! After 6 hours of continuous love making to my girl, she levitates 3 feet off the bed!"

The Australian says: "Streuth mate, when I've finished 'rooting' me Sheila, I get off the bed, wipe me cock on the curtains...and she goes through the fucking roof!!"

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for Six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet, replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.

"For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot."

"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America.

North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a Hot spot. Can you see the balance?"

"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a smallish land mass and asked, "What's that one?"

"Ah" said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them citizens who are super-human, undefeatable and strong in character who will be admired and feared by all who come across them".

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed, "You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the buggers I'm putting next to them".

An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well", said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK", said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".

The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!", the doctor said. "Instead of removing half your brain, I've taken your whole brain out".

The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"

That should read Kiwi...

Q: What do you call an Australian with a sheep under one arm and a kiwi under the other?

A: Bisexual

Q: What do you call an Australian with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other?

A: Bisexual

A mortitian arrived at work one morning and was approached by his assistant.

"Anything interesting happen over-night", he asked.

"Yes", replied the assistant, "The most gorgeous 18 year-old blond came in last night. Dead of course."

"What was the cause of death", enquired the mortition.

"I'm not sure", replied the assistant. "But she's got a Prawn stuck up her cunt!"

"Are you sure?", said the mortitian.

"Yes, come and have a look for yourself", said the assistant, opening the body bag.

The mortitian closely examined the beautifuly trimmed snatch.

"That's not a prawn you stupid wanker", he responded, "That's her clitoris."

"Are you sure?", said the assisitant, "'Cuz it certainly tasted like a prawn".

Wabbit

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks "Excuthe me. Do you have any widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and he asks "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft

and futhy bwack wabbit or, maybe, one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers ....................

"I don't fink my pet pyfon weally gives a phuk!"

A young feller is brought home to meet the folks. His girl greets him at the door and says, "I'm sorry, I'm running late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my folks. And I, uhh, forgot to tell you, they're both deaf mutes."

With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears. As you can imagine this is a little uncomfortable as both of the parents are completely silent.

Dad is sitting in his arm chair watching golf on TV, and Mom is busy knitting. After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mom jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her panties, and pours a glass of water over her ass.

Just as suddenly, Dad launches himself across the room, bends her over the couch, and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and balances a match stick in front of his eye.

The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief. After a further ten minutes, the daughter returns fully dressed and ready for the evening.

The date is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the on goings earlier in the living room. At the end of the night, the girl asks, "What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?" "No, it's not you," he replied, "It's just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked.

Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair, lifts up her skirt, pulls down her p*anties, and throws a glass of water over her behind. "Then, as if that weren't enough, your Father races from his chair, leans her over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down and places a match stick by his eye."

"Oh, is that all?" replies the girl. The man can't believe her casual response. The girl explains.

"Mom was simply saying, 'Are you going to get this asshole a drink?' and Dad was replying, 'No, fuck him - I'm watching the match.