Snay 'n How

[Central Scrutinizer]

Snay 'n How

 

 

I've been back from the LOS now for three weeks. I hate it. I miss the village life and sunshine. I miss fishing every afternoon/evening. I'll be back for a couple weeks though around the 9th of April. So I guess I can't whine too much really. If it snows one more time here in Boston though I'm gonna fucking run down the street screaming, tearing hunks of hair outta my skull!

 

I did get to miss all the excitement one Tuesday a couple weeks ago at the Isaan village house. For which I may be thankful for, and which may even have saved me from a serious injury, possibly.

 

The wife called me one Tuesday night from Isaan. Woke my tired, still jet lagged, and stressed out ass up. She sounded funny, as though she was trying to remain calm, but actually was excited about something. I know my woman quite well now, and can usually pick up on her hidden signals and emotions now-a-days. Wait'll I write about the fights! (One between me and her, and one between her and Sis) Trouble in paradise you say? Nah. Interesting story though.

 

My wife tells me on the phone this night that we had a "snay 'n how" ............. which I finally interpreted, after a few minutes confusion, to mean "a snake in the house!"

 

"Holy shit! Where?" I queried her in excitement.

 

"In kighen" In the kitchen!

 

"Where in the kitchen?"

 

"In refrighatah."

 

In the refrigerator? How the hell did it get in the refrigerator?

 

"Wife, is this a snake you bought to eat?"

 

"NO NO NO! Not insigh, no eat darling. (This said in exasperation, as if she would never deign to eat a snake. How the fuck am I to know? She'll eat damned near anything else! I thought maybe she was excited about a new dish to eat, maybe.) Under the refrige!"

 

"Uh, which refrigerator darling?" (We have three in the kitchen.)

 

"The one for shop!"

 

Oh. That's right. We have four reefers, including that one. How the hell did it get inside there? I just put up a good batch of chicken wire around the whole kitchen area. To keep out the cats and the fucking chickens. Mainly because one morning I went out to the sink to get my coffee cup and stepped on a big pile of green chicken shit I was still too sleepy to notice underfoot. I vowed that day to suspend the chickens kitchen privileges, and went out and bought a roll of chicken wire. It was up that same afternoon.

 

"Wife, how'd the snake get inside through my new chicken wire fencing?"

 

"Doan know. Think Mama leave door for kitchen open for she cat."

 

Great, I go to the trouble to fix this problem and Mama just leaves the gate open for her friggin' cat. Silly village folk.

 

"What kinda snake was it, Wife?"

 

"Oh, big snake!! Velly big!! Same my arm!"

 

Same her arm? What the hell?

 

"Oh shit! You mean the snake's as big as your arm?!"

 

"Yes, big!"

 

"Big. Okay, but what kind of snay dear?"

 

"OH, POISON SNAY!! VELLY BIG! I doan know name for English!"

 

"Was it a cobra dear?" (Oh God, please say no.)

 

"YES, COBLA!!! Dis is name for English! Big poison! Big snay!!"

 

Ah shit. Now I got a fucking cobra, a big one, maybe what, a very poisonous King Cobra, under the refrigerator of my Isaan kitchen? Great. The very reefer, now shut off, as it is not being used at present, that we have stowed some tools and supplies in. The very same reefer that I was rumaging around in and under just last week it seems while putting up said chicken wire fence. Shit!

 

"Where is the snake now, Wife?"

 

"Dead."

 

"How did you see it under the frige?"

 

(This is a commercial reefer, such as the ones you open the top front and get your beer, cola, whatever, from down inside, very deep, and if a snake got under it and went back to the wall it sits against it would be very hard to see the damned thing, until it bit your damned ankle as you stand there disturbing the venomous fucker underneath.)

 

"Mama's cat see! I see cat look under frige. Not go away. Make want to kill snay. (Hissing and growling I interptet this to mean.) Me look under fridge where cat look. See snay!"

 

"What did you do when you saw the big cobra dear?"

 

"Scleem too mutt. Run outsigh. Get man flum village to kill snay!"

 

Good.

 

"So did the men from the village eat the snake darling?"

 

(I know someone ate the damned thing. No way they just killed the thing and threw it away! I imagine it'd be tasty with the right noodles and sauces. :-)

 

"Yes, man kill snake, eat."

 

I knew it.

 

Nothing like getting the weekly news from back home in Isaan.

 

Jesus. I ain't never had a cobra in my kitchen before. That's a first after all the years I've been up there. Anyone know where I can buy an anti-venom kit for Cobra bite?

 

 

Cent

 

[Guest]

Cent:

 

does it happen every time you are away there is some "crisis".

 

Happens to me every time.

 

 

 

[Redbaron]

Brilliant Cent, just briliant.

[Guest]

Mike;

 

Reminds me of something that happened when I was in Thailand some years ago. I had just had dinner and was relaxing on the front porch. Actually, I was dozing - a couple of beers and a good meal - ahhhh, peace.

 

As I was dozing, I all of a sudden felt soemthing drop on to my chest. Opening my eyes the first thing I saw was the dumb and drooling face of Tong, the landlord's dog. Tong was something else. Dumb is not a word that I use lightly. However, in Tong's case, dumb is not strong enought to describe this mutt. He honestly didn't know enough to come in out of the rain (but, that's another story). There he sat, head cocked and tongue hanging out about two feet, with a look on his face like a 3 year old awaiting praise for going o the toilet by itself the first time.

 

The second thing I saw was this snake, a big-g-g-g fucking snake, curled up on my chest glaring at Tong. Oh shit! Instant awake and alert I went in one direction, Tong went in a second and the snake went in a third, landing on the lawn. Mr. Snake (don't ask how I knew it was a Mr. I just did) gave Tong a dirty glare, hissed at me and rapidly slid into a drainage hole that led to the klong in back.

 

About this time I became aware of laughter. Looking out over the lawn I saw the three neighbor girls that came over to the house for English lessons every night. I went over and inquired, in a somewhat abrupt manner, what in the hell they were laughing about.

 

Pat, a bright and lovely young 13 year old who was on the verge of blossoming into a wonderfully beautiful and exotic speciman of Thai womanhood, told me "Mr. Paul, you look funny. Tong find snake and bring to you for present. Put on you. You jump very high. Scare snake and Tong. Poor snake" ::

 

"Poor snake! What do you mean poor snake?" sez I.

 

Admidst assorted giggles, snorting, chuckles, guffaws and other sounds of merriment Pat replide "Oh, Mr. Paul, snake not bad. We play with allatime. Eat flogs, chinchuks and tokays. Very good luck."

 

By this time I was ready to kill a snake, probably kill Tong (very slowly) and chew out three nice Thai kids, but cooler heads (my wife's) prevailed. She had come out so see what the racket was about. Of course, it would have been nice if she had refrained from laughing when she heard the story, but you know wives.

 

We invited the kids in for their lesson, I cracked another Shinga, and things returned to normal (normal in Thailand is abnormal elsewhere).

 

Oh well, TIT.

 

Paul

The Old Sarge

[Zaad]

:grinyes:

Great story and glad your wife is OK.

 

Good to hear I'm not the only one who's troubled with uninvited guests.