Zombies

[Guest]

There used to be an old joke to the effect that the only difference between a Thai hooker and a hole in the ground was five hundred baht. All right. It?s not a very funny joke. Especially considering that that difference is now more along the lines of a thousand baht or one thousand five on a bad night. Besides which, some holes in the ground have been known to move during sex.

 

All right all right. Not all Thai hookers are corpses in the sack. Some even make noises and perform strange tricks that can turn your hair white. But we don?t want to talk about them. Message boards are full of stories where some short time floozie rocks the poster?s world. Well... Maybe I?m the worst lover in the world (and it has been said) but I?ve met plenty of women who are considerably less sexually exciting than a washing machine full of hot liver. Women whose nether regions seemed shot full of novacaine at birth. Women for whom indolence would be too much effort. And because I love every aspect of Bangkok I?d like to celebrate one of those women here.

 

For the sake of common decency I won?t even mention her real name. I?ll call her Mavis.

 

I got to know Mavis as she hooked in customers for a well known Bangkok bar. She was always out there swinging her hips and flirting with each passer by. She had a real bounce to her and I think quite a few guys found out what I found out after being intoxicated by her natural allure. ?Come inside please Sir.? That was her catchphrase. And she delivered it with memorable aplomb.

 

One day she followed me on into the bar and sat on my knee. She had a bit of weight to her but I quite like that in a woman. ?I like you.? She said as if she didn?t say it a lot.

 

?I like you too.? I said as if I did.

 

?You can pay bar for me.?

 

?You don?t waste any time. What?s in it for me if I do.?

 

She came close and whispered gently in my ear as if it was the most closely guarded secret in town ?If you pay you can fuck me all night.?

 

?No shit. Wow. And there I was thinking you were a nice Catholic convent girl.?

 

?Every man want me.?

 

?Every man. Well. That does kind of make your offer hard to refuse. The idea that out of all those men you picked me.?

 

?You want or not ??

 

?Yeah. I want. I wasn?t sure before but you talked me into it.?

 

I paid the bar. She spent half an hour talking to her friends on the way to the bar and then she spent another forty five minutes (or three drinks) getting changed into a pair of tightly fitting denim jeans with sparkly stars all down the side.

 

Leaving the area she walked as far away from me as possible as if terrified to be identified as some kind of prostitute going with a farang. Then she negotiated a fare with a tuk tuk driver even though I was trying to hail a taxi meter. Once back at my stand-by hotel room she flicked on the TV and sat engrossed in the usual dire soaps. I said I was going for a shower and went for a shower. I came out just as the end titles were rolling and thought this was the beginning of a beautiful friendship. She went for a shower and came back making sure all the lights were out. Then she lay there.

 

I looked at her for a moment and wondered if she was meditating before the act. She wasn?t. This was how she played her role. I kissed her and made all my best moves but nothing I could do had any effect on her. She just lay there as if waiting for it all to be over. I tried making love to her but she was as stiff as a board. It was as though she was an actress suffering from stage fright.

 

?You want a drink ?? I said.

 

?Why ? You finish already ??

 

?No. I thought maybe you were a little tense.?

 

?No. You finish first.?

 

?Okay... Okay.?

 

So, though the whole thing felt just a little too close to necrophilia for comfort, I ploughed on in. I remembered seeing adverts for blow up women in the back of fuck books when I was a kid. I had always wondered what they would be like. Now I was getting some idea. ?I?m sorry. I can?t carry on with this.? I withdrew.

 

?What?s the matter. Why you stop ? You finish ??

 

?It?s okay. I really like you. I just don?t want to do this like this.?

 

Then, completely out of the blue, she started to cry. ?I know you not like me. Same you joking me.?

 

?I think it?s more that you don?t like me. But that?s okay. I pay you anyway. Don?t worry.?

 

But she just went on weeping and weeping. I tried acting compassionate and loving in the usual bullshit farang manner but it had no effect. I kissed away her tears and it had no effect. So I decided that somehow I had to finish. So I faked it. I fucked the living dead bitch and I went through all the motions of coming inside her which, in my opinion, would have been impossible. I then pulled off the condom as if it was full of jism and quickly made my way to the toilet and flushed it down.

 

?You happy ?? She said.

 

?Oh. Ecstatic.? I said.

 

?You come back see me again tonight.?

 

?Well. I have this business conference in Chiang Mai. I think I?ll be out of town for a few days.?

 

?But when you come back you take me again. I like you.? She held me for a brief moment and then put her clothes on despite all that talk of staying all night.

 

?Yeah. You like me lots. I can tell.?

 

?You can give me taxi money.?

 

?You know what. I only have fifteen hundred baht on me.?

 

?Is okay. Have ATM downstairs.?

 

?Here is fifteen hundred baht. It?s yours. Take it. But don?t take the fucking piss.?

 

Without another word she was gone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[chilli13]

hmm I'd say that's worth B500 - no more no less - taxi fare hasn't changed last 5 years either