Steven Wright witticisms

[gobbledonk]

Troops,

 

For fans of the laconic, slow-talker :

 

1. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2. Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

3. Half the people you know are below average.

4. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8. If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

9. All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.

10. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

12. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18. Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19. I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.

20. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23. My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32. The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film!

[pattaya127]

Thanks, cool list. I think this one is the most 0n-topic for the board:

 

My THAI mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

 

[Fiery Jack]

I saw a (rare) Steven Wright gig in the UK a few years ago. The man is a comic genius. I hadn't laughed so much since my ex-wife's new beau's car was stolen, trashed and torched by joyriders then his company declared bankrupt in the space of the same week.

 

jack

[gobbledonk]

ex-wife's new beau's car was stolen, trashed and torched by joyriders

 

'Joyriders', eh, FJ ? I suspect that most punters have thought of themselves as 'joyriders' once or twice

 

Dont worry, your secret is safe with me.

[gobbledonk]

Hi P127,

 

Last time I was in BKK, a Canadian remarked to me that he thought that the secret to being able to drive in the apparent chaos of Bangkok traffic lay in one's ability to use and respond to horn signals. I think he severely underestimated the ability of the average Thai not to take it *personally* on the road - can you imagine that system transported to LA / Sydney / London ? I know the 'response' that horn usage gets from Oz drivers, and it isnt pretty.

 

That said, I'd rather know that someone was behind me before I felt their bumper bar nudging my rearend. Erm, let me rephrase that .....