You're a drunk if....

[Yehtmae]

You?ve been laid out on more floors than Johnson?s Wax.

 

Your liver has hired an attorney.

 

You wish all the world?s parking lots could be somehow turned into lush rain forests, because, you know, it?s hard to hide from cops in a parking lot.

 

Your favorite bar installed a seat belt on your barstool.

 

The glass isn?t half empty or half full. It just needs to be topped off.

 

You don?t fall off the wagon?you leap off it while chugging a bottle of cheap bourbon.

 

You have two personalities: Mr. Responsibility and Mr. I-Think-I?ll-Call-All-My-Old-Girlfriends-While-I'm-Blacked-Out.

 

The word ?rent? loses all meaning after your fifth drink.

 

You?re so good at ?drinking to forget? that you sometimes forget how to walk.

 

Whenever someone in a suit spills your well bourbon it magically transforms into top shelf scotch on the way to the floor.

 

You laugh at funerals but weep like a baby whenever you hear about a beer truck overturning.

 

You?d rather be a bus driver than an astronaut because, hey, there ain?t no beer where they?re going.

 

You don?t mind when your wife finds you stinking drunk in a bar, because then you can hit her up for a free drink.

 

Pink elephants get drunk and they see you.

 

You?re not a hard drinker. It?s the easiest thing you do.

 

You like to have a drink between drinks.

 

You?d join AA but your always too drunk too memorize the pledge.

 

You quit drinking once, and it was the worst afternoon of your life.

 

You won?t eat an olive unless it?s sterilized in gin.

 

You think Beethoven?s Fifth is a bottle of schnapps.

 

You?re living a champagne lifestyle on a beer budget. Except you don?t like champagne so you just drink lots and lots of beer.

 

Gin rummy sounded like a fun game.

 

You?re stalked by alcoholic vampires.

 

You have never screwed a cap back onto a liquor bottle.

 

Your friends pretend to be bartenders, just so you?ll pay attention to them.

 

You suffer from barthritis? every night you get stiff in another joint.

 

You don?t recognize the difference between ?waking up? and ?coming to.?

 

You donate a pint of blood and the hospital has to card the patient they give it to.

 

Your liver enters itself in a Tough Man competition.

 

You wear Hawaiian shirts because it?s tougher to see vomit stains on them.

 

Going out drinking with you is covered by your friends? insurance.

 

A perfect date is soft music, a bottle of wine and moi.

 

A couple times a year you go on a ?non-bender.?