Loei Xmas: I Shoulda Brought Socks

[Khun_Kong]

Disclaimer: all of the names used in this story have been changed to protect the guilty. Or maybe just some of them. Or maybe none of them. It really makes no difference.

 

Christmas in Loei

 

With Christmas being what it is- or isn?t- in Thailand, I planned to spend the holidays up-country, in the northeastern region known as Isaan. My girlfriend?s hometown is Baan Huay Wai, about 20 km. northwest of the city of Loei, in the province of Loei, about 50 km. south of the Mekong River, which forms the Thai/Lao border in this region.

 

Loei is a beautiful agricultural region, with scattered, mist-enshrouded mountains boldly jutting up from the vast farmlands, where the agrarian peoples tend to acre after acre of rice, mango, banana, tamarind, man-farang (an extended version of potato) and rubber trees. The mountains are relatively young and, hence, are unweathered and sharp looking- truly befitting of the descriptor of ?craggy?.

 

The villages in the region are small, most with fewer than 50 homes. Many people tend to live with a good fraction of their extended families and, those who don?t, tend to live just around the corner or down the street. The infrastructure is surprisingly good, even judging by Western standards, which, of course, one learns to do less and less as one spends more time here. Everybody has electricity, professionally supplied, unlike the makeshift systems that I?ve seen in the mountain villages in Jamaica. Fresh water is supplied by the province, with two caveats: Number one, it is not potable and number two, it may or may not actually be flowing at any particular time of day or indeed, on any particular day. Part of the daily routine is watching for when the water comes on and then filling all available holding vessels.

 

Fon and I are in the process of installing a stainless steel, 1000 liter, auto-filling tank, with a good sized water pump to maintain pressure and a constant supply. This is but one task in the long list of tasks needed/wanted to make our home habitable to me for longer than a week at a time. We have moved slightly beyond the stage where it feels like we are camping out. Whilst sleeping in the open air, with a nominal roof, surrounded by mosquito netting, listening to the crickets and watching small lizards skitter about might have some appeal for a young backpacker who wants to ?feel the experience the way it really is, man?, I?m a little too old and settled in my creature comforts to settle for that.

 

Our home is about 80% complete now, with roof, walls and floors all built, interior and exterior walls porridged and ready for painting, the bedroom tile finished, plumbing 95% completed and functional and most of the electrical system installed. The huge, heavy, carved teakwood double-doors were installed yesterday and, as I write, the local glazier, Kaen, is installing the windows. The windows are traditional Thai village style, with three six-pane opening panels in each window, on top of which are three fixed panes. We are putting in ¼ inch thick smoked plate glass, rather than the thin, clear stuff which is usually used.

 

The dealings with the Kaen are illustrative of most Thai ?deals? that I've experienced to date. To begin with, he was, of course, the one called ?#1? ? at least, that was his description of himself. We talked details with him one frosty evening at his home, about 2 blocks from ours. All of the details were discussed, including costs, completion date and what was expected. Nothing in writing- in these parts, a man?s words should be his bond. For those of you who have dealt with Thai?s before, you already know that the final product/project will only bear the vaguest resemblance to what was discussed!

 

To begin with, the special order glass: the quoted price was 1200 baht (about $30 USD) for 5 large sheets of the extra thick, smoked plate glass. We were assured that 5 sheets would be exactly the right quantity for the project, even though he had not even seen the window frames yet (warning sign #1)! Payment had to be made up front (warning sign #2). He explained that he would buy the glass early the next morning and have it delivered by the same people who were delivering the doors and window frames, because he had no way to transport it himself (warning sign #3).

 

The following morning, I am eager to watch the work begin. The truck arrives with the doors and window frames- AND NO GLASS (warning sign #4)! By noontime, there was still no sign of him (warning sign #5). However, he did arrive at about 2:00- without the glass (I will stop issuing warning signs. I am sure my readers are astute enough to recognize them for themselves). He explained that he had already bought the glass, but was too late to get it on the truck with the doors/windows and that we would have to go to town to get the glass. He also presented us with a ?bill? for 2780 baht- 1580 baht more than the original estimate for the glass. The bill had the 5 large sheets listed (for 1000 baht, not 1200), but it also had a number of other pieces of varying size, all smaller than the original 5 sheets, yet, strangely enough, all MUCH more expensive.

 

When questioned about this, he explained that they were more expensive because that?s what the glass shop charged to cut the glass. ?Why you not cut glass?? I asked, since that is part of what I was paying him for. ?Afraid glass break? was his equally elegant response. OK. But then, why did he still buy the 5 large pieces? Oops- he scratches these off the bill, lowering the price by?1200 baht, not the 1000 baht listed on the ?bill?! Keep in mind that he told me he had already bought the glass. Anyway, my girlfriend?s father goes to get the glass and ends up giving the glassman 700 baht on top of the 1200 already ?paid?. Now I?ve paid 1900 baht for what was supposed to cost 1200 baht the night before. The glass is brought back to the house.

 

At this point, I examine the glass to make sure it?s the correct kind, not broken, scratched, etc. As I do this, I realize that all of the cut pieces could have been made from 1 large sheet, with glass to spare. I also realize that the total price would have been only 680 baht if he had cut the glass himself. Now I?m a bit pissed off- why have I paid 1900 baht for 680 baht worth of glass? After much heated discussion with the GF, the only thing I can tell is that ?You not understand Thai people?. While I am in complete agreement with her, this "explanation" does little to assuage my qualms. Kaen improves my mood when he informs me that, if I am not happy, he will leave now and I can keep the glass! WTF!!?? In the interests of kreng jai, I drop the subject, although I am still seething inside. GF explains that negotiated prices can change. OK by me- I think that I am going to change the price that I have negotiated for labor- AFTER the work is complete! I?ll probably not do this, but, at the moment, this is the thought that is keeping me sane!

 

The following day, Kaen and his wife show up at about 3:00 in the afternoon and spend 2 hours working on the doors. The following day (now the 3rd day!), Kaen shows up with a male assistant at 8:00 am and works like bandits for the rest of the day, installing the doors and windows! Unfortunately, they were the slow bandit variety and they leave with things far from completed. They show up again the next day, work for 8 hours and are ALMOST finished. Kaen comes over by himself the following day and works for 2 hours, at which point, he tells Fon that he cannot finish. Why?? It is at this point that his clairvoyant abilities are revealed- sure enough, glass break! I tell him to take his box of broken glass and come back tomorrow.

 

A close examination of the door shows that the lock cylinders are askew and that he actually cut too much wood when installing the deadbolts, making it necessary to nail small pieces of wood back onto the door, creating a lock system that would have difficulty deterring even a small breeze from entering! The addition of an extra padlock fitting solves this problem.

 

As I said, this was an example of what I?ve found to be typical Thai workmanship: less than the best quality, a lack of caring about the finished product, double-dealing/lying about the price and timeliness and a general bad feeling about what was done, with a dash of ?fuck you? thrown in, for good measure. On the bright side: I had 16 custom-built, hand-made, teak windows and a nice set of carved, teak double-doors installed, with almost 40 man-hours of labor. The total cost for everything: a bit less than $375.00 USD! Should I really be complaining??

 

We?ve made several other concessions to Western lifestyle. Most notable is the first and only Western style, sit-down-read-a-newspaper-and-crap, toilet in the village. This has probably drawn even more attention than my white skin (suay maak). I think that everybody in the village has stopped in at one time or another to just sit on the commode. Having tired of bathing by heating water on a propane burner and then pouring the warmed water over my body by the bowlful (although there is a certain attraction in having this done for you!), we have also put in the only water heating system in the village, complete with a showerhead TALL ENOUGH THAT A FARANG DOES NOT HAVE TO CROUCH TO USE IT!! Those of you who have lived or traveled through here will appreciate that seemingly minor luxury. For those who are Thai experienced, the presence of a small sprayer to clean one?s butt is a familiar sight. Not only is toilet paper is a rarity, but, even if provided or purchased, it cannot be flushed down the toilet. When I first saw the mini-bidet/no paper combo, I thought it was very third-world. On reflection, though, it seems much more civilized to wash with water than to smear with paper. You know you?ve been in Thailand too long when the electricity or water goes out and your first thought is, ?Now how will I clean my butt??

 

While the DIY home supply big box stores (Home Pro- think Lowe's or Home Depot in the States) have sprung up in the major cities, it?s all small mom-&-pop stores in the province. All of our major purchases seem to go through the same routine: First, you locate the store that carries whatever it is that you need. Invariably, there will be 2 or 3 more stores that carry the identical items within a one block radius. You pick a store, tell them what you need and wait for the fun to begin. A dizzying array of merchandise will spring from the walls and the ceiling, from unseen back rooms and basements, brought by a bevy of smiling, non-English speaking minions. While your desire may be to do some comparison shopping between stores, their objective, as with most merchants the world over, is to separate you from as much of your money as quickly as possible. One is invited to sit at a desk, tea is offered, sales pads are brought out and in no time, there are pieces of paper full of numbers, all of which add up to figures 2 or 3 times higher than those that were originally spoken.

 

Invariably, the owner will come over, look at the pad, point to some numbers and mutter the Thai equivalent of ?no good?, at which point, with much fanfare, some numbers will be crossed off and lower numbers entered, thus lowering your bill. The ?big discount? will be emphasized, although, in reality, it represents a small discount and the total is still way beyond what would be a reasonable amount to pay. As the buyer, you might then gaze at the numbers for a few seconds, sit back, smile, drink a bit of tea, chat briefly about something totally unrelated to the matter at hand, smile again and make an offer that is ridiculously low. This will be followed by a variety of guttural sounds emanating from the owner, all of which indicate that he is actually in physical pain, caused by the foolishly low offer you have just made. He will explain that, no doubt, you misunderstood him. These are not the same low quality goods offered by his competitors, but rather the highest quality, carried by him and solely by him. He will offer a small reduction, complain about losing money on this sale (?I only do because like you?) and will then wander off shaking his head and again mumbling incoherently. The buyer will look at the paper again, make some calculations on the notepad that he is keeping, sip some tea, get up, wander, perhaps inquire as to the price of some more expensive items, mentioning that he will be shopping for these in the near future and that a good deal now may result in more business later. The buyer will then up his offer slightly.

 

This will be followed by a number of similar rounds, with each side expressing much anguish. It?s a wonder that a bargain is ever struck, what with all of the pain experienced by both sides in the negotiations. Eventually, each side makes their ?final offer?, which will still be high on the seller?s end and low on the buyer?s end. It is then up to the buyer to furtively count his money and explain to the seller that the seller?s ?final offer? would necessitate a trip to the bank, with a possible return the following day. The buyer will say, ?If we can meet halfway, we can finish this business now.? The seller will clutch his heart, feigning a mild angina attack- and then reluctantly agree to the price. Funnily enough, the final price is almost always the midpoint between the seller?s and buyer?s initial price offerings. Should this final step fail, one can go to the store down the street and repeat the process. Because the transactions have been witnessed by the competition, the price will usually be a bit lower to start. In the end, everybody goes away happy.

 

So, why the socks in the ttle? This may be the only place in Thailand where it gets so cold, that the possibility of a "white Christmas" is a reality.

 

...To be continued...