SiLeakHunt's version of events! Land of Piles pt3

[SiLeakHunt]

 

Now before I go on to describe details it's time for me to have a bit of a rant, well not a rant, more sort of pass judgement or comment. Those of you who know me, especially Kipster and STH, know that it's been two years since my list trip to Thailand (which was I think was trip number 7), you'll also know that a lot has changed for me personally. I don't want to sound like an old cunt, or 'I came here when it was like this or that', but the country's changed subtly and noticeably.

When I first visited there were no licensing hours, so you could go out at whatever time you chose, sit on a bar stool drink and chat in a relaxed manner until you fell off it and got dragged home by girl Friday. Things were chilled and everyone was nice and Jai Yen Yen. These days you can still do the same thing, just so long as you fall off your stool before 2am, which has meant that the dedicated have to make much more of a hurried concerted effort to collapse in a crumpled heap. Before October 2002 you'd hear phrases like 'There's no rush we'll have a few here if we don't get lucky we'll go in Rainbow. It's open 'til breakfast.'

 

These days you hear things like 'If I don't grab summat before 2 I'm fucked.'

 

The equilibrium's changed; strangers are too busy to talk to you. People stick in trusted groups and rush around trying to meet the deadline.

 

Added to that traffic seems a little more regulated. There was no such thing as a crash helmet in 2000. On this trip I didn't see one single motorbike taxi driving down the pavement between the stalls on Sukhumvit.

 

Add to that the fact that this was my eighth trip, I was no longer wondering round like Noddy in Toyland, more like Big Ears keeping a watchful eye on Noddy (Carew) saying 'He's headed for disaster that tearaway'. I felt like I was in Bill in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure only the time machine had fucked up and it was my second trip through the past at the same time that Ted was on his first trip. Imagine it.

 

Ted 'Wow Beethoven'

 

Bill 'Bit of a grumpy cunt when you get to know him'

 

Anyway put both of those factors together, it doesn't make for totally unhappy reading, but most of my earlier trips made me grin a lot more broadly.

Anyway I arrived in BKK and the throng (strengthened by the presence of Rusty & Norfloxacin 400 fresh from their trip to Cambo) were gathered in Bus Stop.

It was good to see Rusty truly and honestly and I'm sure I've made a good friend in Norflo. Me and Rusty have known each other for a while, but never shared time on Thai soil before and we had a good laugh. Again the precise details of that night's adventures in ToyLand were vague. Except to say that me, Kipster and Rusty ended up in Nana Disco (Na Na Na, Na Na Na, Hey Hey, Disco remember the Banarama tune?).

 

Not long after that Carew recounted to me one of Aesop's Fables about a dog walking down a path with a bone in his mouth, happy as a pig in shite. Anyway he gets to a bridge over a river, half way across he looks at his reflection in the water and sees a dog with a bone that looked so much nicer than his, so he jumped in and tried to wrestle the bone out of his own reflections gob. He obviously fails and clambers up the bank minus the reasonably tasty bone he had to start with.

 

Kipster sort of took the edge of Nana Disco before we went in, by telling me that, 'The only reason that the birds are in here and not a Go Go, is that they're either HIV or underage.'

 

Cheers man. Anyway, every time I saw a decent bird and got eye contact I thought I'd just do another quick circuit to try and find something better and if not I'll grab her. I'd get back with another earmarked as runner up to find the original was gone, then go for number 2 and find her talking to Hans. That went on all night until the lights went up. I left without a bone in my mouth and sat in the coffee shop drinking with Maew, STH and the Village Idiot. I tried grabbing the attention of passing available women but was unsuccessful. I'd even phoned Bee earlier that night, seen her in the disco and to my disappointment saw her leaving with some other farang. We smiled and said, 'Hello, goodbye, I'll call you soon.'

 

At around 3 am I found myself talking to some very ugly women and thought it was best to head home. The Grace Hotel beckoned on the way back to Nana Inn, and I called in. The Disco/Coffee shop was shut, but people were still drinking in the reception.

 

I wandered round like a pig looking for truffles, but drew a blank. I sat down by myself and sipped a beer and looked forlorn. A lady came to talk to me, judging by her age and formalish dress; I had her down as one of the manageresses. Anyway I said I was going and she sort of tagged along and I couldn't shake her off. I must admit I was wearing Carlsberg Contact Lenses and in the dim light of the Grace Hotel Car Park she looked all right. I got her in my room had a shower and walked out naked. She saw my best friend pointing at the carpet and said, 'Big.'

 

I looked at her face in the light of my room and thought, 'Pig'

 

At heart I'm a soft cunt, and a better man than me would have told her to fuck off, but I just didn't have the spine to turn her out. In the words of a famous president, 'I did not have sex with that woman.'

Trust me I didn't/couldn't.

 

When I woke in the morning I'd forgotten she was there and was surprised to see the old lady in my bed. I thought Thora Hird had died six months ago. She told me she was 43. Being facetious 43 was probably the year she was born.

 

Anyway we dressed and headed out to the bank so I could give her some money. On the way she told me that she was going to see her family in Ayudthaya the next day. It seemed quite appropriate; she'd probably feel at home with the rest of the 14th Century ruins.

 

I trawled lower Suk looking for somewhere I could get my hands on 1000 baht whilst receiving phone calls from Kipster along the lines of 'Hurry up man we're going to Pattaya.'

 

'Hang on a minute I've got to find a bank, they're all shut.'

 

I found a kiosk on Soi 7, gave her a brown note and watched her get in a Taxi. There's never been a man happier to see the back of a bar girl than me that morning. I was going to have a word with the cabbie, and say, 'Drop her off at the knackers yard.'

 

But that would have cost me an extra 50 baht and I'd already given her 950 more than she deserved. I checked out and got in a cab to go and meet Kipster 100 who was waiting for me outside the Nana Thai Mansion, down near the Tobacco Monopoly. The plan was, go to his gaff down Bang Na, call in and pick up some fresh clothes then head off to the Big P.

 

The cabbie picked him up and we headed off. We drove for about an hour. Now this is straight up we got to where he'd described to the driver and the driver said, 'Where now?'

 

Or something to that effect.

 

'Er hang on I'm not sure where it is. Turn left, no turn right, no straight on. Where the fuck is it.'

 

'How long have you lived in this flat mate?'

 

'6 months.'

 

'Come on you must have a vague idea where it is.'

 

I'd let him off if he'd only lived there for a week, but fuck me, 6 months and he still didn't know where his block was.

 

'What it is. I normally get a cab at night, or the Sky Train.'

 

I was sat in the cab as we went up and down the one way system, laughing thinking. 'I've got to let the board members know that Kipster can't find his own home, in daylight when he's sober,' and I just have.

 

Not to put too fine a point on it, but the guy's supposed to be teaching Geography. Them that can do.

 

We ate at the café at the bottom of his flats and went up to his loom. He fannied about getting fresh clothes and I sat on his sofa and watched the boxing on telly.

We'd not booked anywhere to stay in Pattaya and spent a bit of time phoning hotels to get a room, but similar to another bloke at this time of year there was no room at any of the inns.

We decided just to wing it and sort summat out when we got there.

Kipster explained that he had to totter off and get a cab because none passed infront of his condo. I sat and watched the cleaners cleaning the road, and the delivery boys dropping beer and Cola at the shop. After 15 minutes the man came back in Thailand's most derelict cab. It looked like it had been in the Demolition Derby. The bodywork was fucked. Every single panel was dented, extensively.

 

'This is the only one I could find.'

 

I tried not to laugh. As we crossed a bump in the road the boot flew open and the driver had to stop next to a building site and nick some packing tape off a pallet to tie it down with.

 

On this trip most of the cabbies were cautious of letting me smoke in the car because it fucks up the aircon. This guy didn't want to us to because we couldn't open any of the windows. We pleaded and he said yes after being bribed with an L&M. Me and Kip made a point of extinguishing carefully in the ashtray. The driver just stubbed his butt out on the floor.

 

Phone calls were made on the trip and Maew said she could find us somewhere in Jomtien. As we approached Pattaya the hilltribe labourers riding round in the back of pickups pointed at us wondering how the fuck our shitheap had made it all the way from Bangkok.

 

Eventually after many a wrong turn in Pattaya we ended up in Jomtien and after Village Idiot directed us away from the hotel we found it by accident. When we got there Maew was surprised to see that there were two of us, so a bit of fannying around had to be done to find myself and Kipster a gaff for the night. Eventually we settled on sharing a room for the first night in theo hotel over the way, and then we'd be able to have a room each for the duration in the one the rest of our unstable friends were holed up in.

 

Now don't get me wrong, Kipster's a really good mate of mine, so sharing a room with him wasn't going to be too much of an ordeal, but I'm not really into group sex (at least not with another fella present) so I forgot about the practicalities and we headed into Pattaya for a night out. We popped our head round the door of Flintstones Bar, where Carew, Rusty et al were ensconced and the owner Rolf sagely informed us that, 'Pattaya is very good. A lot of people have fun every night.' And we fucked off to the nearest GoGo. It wasn't until I'd hired my feather duster for the night (a cute little creature called Ae from 'The Sea' on Soi Diamond) that Kipster informed me that he'd had a Viagra.

 

Now I'd sort of forgotten that we were sharing a room and was going to put off the logistical aspects of that nights fraternisations until later, but when he told me that my heart dropped. The last thing I wanted to do was watch that wanker's pimply arse going up and down, chemically assisted by 'Victory V' until the sun came up.

Anyway a lot of liquid went down my throat and at some time around 3 am I was sat on the end of my bed with Ae, and Kipster was waiting for his hot water bottle to finish in the shower. I looked at him, saw him grinning slyly and thought, 'Fuck this I'm off to find a late bar.'

I rung VI up who I somehow guessed might be drinking a little more than most people, and he told me that he was in a bar in Soi Lighthouse, so I got a motorbike taxi the whole 20 yards to the bar and me and my new wife (Ae) went in. I sat and got pissed until err. I'm not really sure. I remember being in VI's room drinking whiskey, and VI has since told me I was a 'Nightmare' and that he kept having to take cigarettes off me because I was so pissed that I'd drop them on the carpet. Then I remember being sat in the reception of the hotel VI was staying in at around ten in the morning, then Kipster turned up with my bag. Fuck knows what happened to Ae, although I know I had her phone number. Needless to say things were very hazy. Maew gave me the key to a room and I went and lay down.

 

I got a phone call some time later from STH, saying that all the guys were in receptions and heading off to The Blind Beggar (nee Winchester Club). We stood around on the pavement trying to sort out Motorbike Taxi's and it wasn't until VI pointed it out, that I realised that along with my shirt and shorts, I'd finished my stylish ensemble, by putting a sandal on my right foot, and a training shoe and brown sock on my left.

 

Being the good mates that they all are, the rest of them fucked off to the Blind Beggar without waiting for me while I went and got my footwear to match.

I got a bike up to that place, and it really is surreal, it's way out up some half tarmmaced Soi in the middle of nowhere. When you get there it's a big fluorescent pink building with 'Blind Beggar' written on it and when you walk in it's full of Fridge Freezers (Geezers). The guys were in a corner, I ordered a coke and checked my wallet. I had 500 left and the nice girl who smiled at me told me that short time was 500. I sat and acted gregarious within the group for a bit and fucked off to finish the nap I'd started earlier.

 

When I woke at a round 3 ish I decided to get some cash and ring Ae up because I still wanted to have a shuffle with her. She said she was busy until 5, so I went to the exchange in Jomtien, and that was the only time it wasn't an unpleasant experience, I left my passport in my room and headed into Pattaya.

 

It's about now that it's fitting to tell you a bit about my medical history. I've got this condition known as Irritable Bowel Syndrome, in every day life it doesn't really affect me, but when I drink for extended periods, I get the shits bad. To add another dimension, I was talking to Rusty about piles on one occasion. He said that, 'As far as piles are concerned, there are two types of people, those that have got them, and those that are going to get them.'

 

I, for my sins fall into the former category. As far as the IBS is concerned I regard 'extended periods of drinking' as two days in a row, so you can appreciate that after about 14 days on the piss I was scared of farting (or sneezing). I do take some stuff that helps to regulate it, and it only works to a point. When that stops working, I'm forced to go on the Imodium, which has the unfortunate side effect of bringing out my 'Emma Frueds'. Whilst on Kho Samui, I'd had to resort to Imodium once, after blocking the toilet in The Halifax Bar, but by now things in my stomach were starting to get a bit choppy.

 

I found a Finnish Bar on Soi Diamond where I had some food that suited my stomach for ancestral reasons (it reminded me of what my mum used to cook for me), then pottered around for a while, having a bottle of soda water in this bar or the other. Ae said she'd be ready by five, which turned out to be 7:15 because she was 'in the salon.'

 

For the last hour of my wait I sat in one of the Beer Bars on Soi Diamond, and chatted to one of the girls behind the bar, who was 31 and seemed a lot more pleasant and not as slutty as a lot of the younger Go Go girls. She had a nice figure and complexion and I made a note of her whereabouts for future reference.

 

When Ae turned up I paid bar for her got in a Taxi so I could get the best of her and she explained she could only do short time that night, so I took her back to the hotel and did what I did. She left after an hour and me and Kipster went on the town.

Again, as in Samui the precise details are vague, lot of same same every day, lot of beer beer every night.

 

I think (and I stress the word 'think'), that we started out round Soi 8 that night, having a few beers here and there, then some scary shit happened. A bloke with a fuck off big 10 foot snake round his shoulders came and stood about a foot away from me in the bar we were drinking in. The Antipodean readers and blokes from country's where snakes are commonplace might find this amusing, or even question my manliness in relation to this next statement, but I'm shit scared of snakes. Really honestly and truly, as soon as I see one, some ancient atavistic mechanism takes over and I bolt. As soon as I saw the guy I pushed my stool out of the way, and not forgetting my beer (I'm not that sacred of them), I legged it into the street only to be confronted by another wanker with a python round his neck. I stood bolt still for two seconds then panicked and jumped up onto the other side of the street, where another farang in a Sheffield Wednesday top was half laughing but looking scared as well.

 

'What's up lad scared of snakes?'

 

'Shit scared.'

 

'Same as me. We can be cowards together.'

 

I laughed.

 

He went on to tell me that he 'Used to play Rugby League for Halifax and box as a professional, so I'm not soft, but snakes fucking hell.'

I stood on the concrete plinth and spent ten minutes carefully watching where the guys with the reptiles were and just before the coast was clear, noticed that the tough guy who played for Halifax, was sat arm in arm cuddling a very effeminate looking rent boy. I'm not sure which turned me off the most.

 

From then on my jaunts in the Soi 7 and 8 areas were consumed by paranoia. Anyone who looked like they had anything round their neck was treated with caution, and I ran away from a bloke selling leather belts a couple of times. I think for every hour I spent in that part of town, ten minutes were spent cowering in a corner far away from snakes.

 

Please if anyone has any sort of political sway in Pattaya could you have a word with these guys and keep them away from me, they scare the shit out of me.

Anyway, panics over me and Kipster headed south and I went and barfined the older one from Soi Diamond. When I got her home she was sort of shy, but once the engine was warmed up she had a lot more umph than a lot of the younger girls who just lie there starfish.

[Guest]

i am glad you have gone to the trouble of putting this down in print as i really have no idea what i did on what day and you have reminded me of many things that i forgot i was involved with. I do remember the snake guy asking me if i wanted to get a photo and waving him off as i am used to snakes only to see you do a runner and being most amused by this. I think i may post an abridged version of this trip (from my perspective) in this forum just to fill in a few gaps. But I'll wait till you have posted your final instalment.

[Ranger]

SiLeakHunt,

 

Funny, funny stuff!! :bow:

 

I've always wondered why you sometimes see "normal, decent looking" guys with an old, hideous looking women. Now, I have the answer......incredible amounts of alcohol . Maybe I shouldn't poke too much fun as you did see me diddling the fat chick on Soi Yodsak .

 

Ranger

[SiLeakHunt]

Bloaters are more grateful of the attention and comfier to lie on.

 

See you round captain.

[Mentors]

THIS is a funny story

[SiLeakHunt]

Puk WAn, thanks for the compliment.

[Lusty]

I'd let him off if he'd only lived there for a week, but fuck me, 6 months and he still didn't know where his block was.

 

Village Idiot has been in his squat 5 years and he can't remember where it is either but he knows the exact layout,landlords name and post code of every pub within 100 square miles .

[chilli13]

someone trained him well

[Redbaron]

I was no longer wondering round like Noddy in Toyland, more like Big Ears keeping a watchful eye on Noddy (Carew) saying 'He's headed for disaster that tearaway'.

 

Why is that not hard to imagine? Well done.

[carew66]

I survived. I always do. Think about cockroaches after a nuclear war; they might not look nice but they always survive right? (Apart from the fact that the 'experts' couldn't find their arse in Tunbridge Wells let alone Asia).