Stink Fruit and other stories

[Guest]

Part 1: Jetlag

Mon, 14 May 2001

People bitch about scams, taxi mafia, this and that. OK, if you really get taken, I can see that it would piss you off. But to me, it's part of the scene, just like the ubiquitous food stalls and T-shirt vendors.

 

Taxi from Don Muang Departure Level to Soi 22 took me to a wrong hotel on a wrong soi. Very funny. I could not contain myself. OK, pal, I can play this game. When the bellhop opens the car door for me I tell him, "wrong hotel, I think maybe taxi driver new, doesn't know how to get to soi 22, maybe you can tell him." Worked like charm. "no ploblem, I go soi 22."

Bourbon St Hotel is not the same class as Dynasty Inn or Majestic Suites, but it's passable. Soi Cowboy is a a very different scene from Nana. More low-key, for one. Long Gun shows are OK, but I can only watch so many flying darts before I get bored. AfterSkool or PlaySkool or whatever, I keep hearing things about this nasty corner or whatever, well, I'm not sure about it. Didn't see any girls I'd wanna do the nasty with to begin with. Maybe Mondays are slow, but it was not a happening bar.

 

In my book, Baccarat is a winner. Dancers are cute, waitresses are friendly, and the glass ceiling show is very sexy. It's funny how you have a few nearly nekked lovely bodies right in front of you yet you're looking up at the fully clothed girls to catch a glimpse of their panties...

 

Tired of the go-go scene I walked back through the Asoke Center beer bar area and I spotted what looked like a fresh face. Unsure of herself. I smile at her and she giggles. That warrants a drink and a game of Connect-4. She don't play. She don't speak Englit. I ask mama-san what's wrong with her (it may sound rude but you ask how long she work bar and mama-san tell you want she thinks you want to hear). She came from Ayuthaya today. TODAY!

 

I've read a few suggestions for how to fight jetlag. Stay in the sun. Drink a lot of liquids. Do this. Don't do that.

 

It's all bullshit. All you need is a 20-year old cutie from Ayuthaya and she'll switch your internal clock in no time at all. Well, and if it doesn't work the first time, try again.

 

I think I got it right on the third time...

Part 2: In the bowels of Bangkok Chinatown

Tue, 15 May 2001

As part of my never-ending search for the Indian women I went to Chinatown this evening. Started at Circle of 22nd July and after a few false starts took the street that is the shortest connection to Charoen Krung Road. Turn right on CKR and you're right in the middle of action.

Indian women in saris selling their wares. Most of them are between 40 and 50 years old, and fat. About 10 or 12 of them. And dozens of various other too-younameit's: Too old, too young, too ugly, too fat, too crazy. I saw a few places that looked like they might be the 'tea shops'. Pink light on the outside, completely dark inside; not the type of place where I would comfortably go in and enjoy myself.

I got adventurous and entered the small sois. You enter a different world. Kind of like Bangkok seems crazy when compared to a Western city; inside Chinatown, it's like Bangkok squared. Food stalls, trinket stalls, garbage, soi dogs, old Chinese men hanging out smoking cigarettes and watching the action, all crammed in a soi that's maybe 5 feet wide.

It didn't feel dangerous, but I was there before it got dark. I sure wouldn't want to be there at midnite. There's heavy police presence there, haven't seen anything like it in Bangkok before. They walk in packs, sometimes two, usually four or six, and they also constantly circle around on motorcycles. Makes me think there's a reason for it...

I went to a coffee shop to restore my caffeine level. They don't see farang there very often and when they found out I can stutter a few words in Thai all of the staff came by one by one to chat with me. I was warned about the working girls out on the street. Girls no good. You sleep with them you get 'ate'. (AIDS, that is.)

It's been an adventure but as far as ASFO activities go, thanks, but no thanks.

Part 3: Random Acts of Violence and Kindness

Wed, 16 May 2001

Texas Lone Star, off Sukh Soi 22, is a bar that serves passable American food. About a year ago Khun Bill reported that the waitresses are friendly once they get to know you, so I thought I'd check out the place.

I can confirm his assessment, and I would only add that it takes them about 5 seconds to get to know you, and if you buy them colaa they get very, VERY friendly. There is nothing like eating breakfast while you have one girl massaging your back and another one massaging your erection. 'when you finit bekfaast we go shotime loom, na?' You can even stay at their rooms long time. I guess in theory you could stay in Bangkok for two weeks and never leave this bar and be constantly supplied with food, drink, and sex.

BG7 at 7pm is crowded, but very few of what I would call good looking girls. Funny how we all have different perceptions. I talked to a Brit there who never goes to Thermae because the selection sucks. And I remember a certain infamous Aussie Thermaefile who ran away from Pattaya because the girls were ugly. Well, it's a good thing. The world would be an awfully boring place if we all liked the same thing.

Carnival was a little disappointing. Six months ago it was full of good looking girls and they all seemed to be having fun. It's still one of the better bars in NEP but it's not what it used to be. Sometimes it takes just one person on the staff to bring out the best from the rest of them. Right now, my favorite bar in the NEP is the one on the ground floor in the far right corner. No, it's not Obsessions (Lobert's kind of place), but the one right next door. Hollywood 2 or something. Lots of stunners on stage, waitresses with good attitude--and I have yet to get hit for a lady drink.

But memories of miniskirts in Baccarat got the better of me and it's only a short cab ride to Soi Cowboy. Unfortunately, the waitress from previous night remembered me. She only speaks about ten words of English and in this case, speaking about 20 words of Thai worked against me. She's definitely in the 'below the line' category and it was impossible to shake her off. She spent the entire evening fondling me and telling me she wants to go with me. I kept asking her how much she give me, but I guess we could not agree on the price.

The downstairs view is awesome, but you have to take one of the seats right next to the stage. If you sit in the side booths, the angle is less than optimal. After I satisfied the voyeuristic side of me I went upstairs to check out what is going on there. Mind you, this was strictly in the name of scientific discovery and for the benefit of the brotherhood.

The girls on the stage are having blast dancing and showing off, but don't seem to go with customers and won't even sit with them for any length of time. All attempts that I've seen got brushed off. And it's probably a good thing as the girls all look a little, shall we say, immature.

Right next to the upstairs plexi-glass stage there are two rooms with tinted windows. A few minutes after I came upstairs, a guy with one of the downstairs dancers walked out of one of the rooms. And a couple of girls with wet rags went in to clean the room. I have a feeling it was not coffee that got spilled. According to my waitress they also have regular short time rooms on the third floor. As a word of caution, there's about five katoey working in that bar but they are so obvious that one would have to consume serious quantities of assorted illegal substances not to notice.

At 2am, Thermae was sleepy but within 30 minutes it filled up. Apparently they are trying to comply with the new EEOC regulations for diversity in workplace, as they had two black ladies there, near the front door, and two girls that looked like they might be from Malaysia--curly hair and very pronounced noses. But before I had a chance to interview any of them the police showed up and the lights came on.

As you'd expect, most people just muttered obscenities under their noses and walked out. Except this 50ish guy with gray hair who refused to leave his chair and ended up fighting with another farang. He almost hit one of the Thermae waiters which I suspect would be a rather serious mistake, especially with 3-4 cops observing. Come to think of it, it's amazing there is so little violence at the Bangkok nightspots. Booze, passion, and heat are a dangerous concoction and it only takes a spark...

Well, it was time to make a selection or sleep alone. One of the girls I'd talked to was sitting on the stairs outside Thermae and I extended an invitation. It's funny how they fake a personality sometimes. In Thermae she was very serious and reserved, almost elegant. Back at the hotel we talked a bit and when she relaxed she turned out to be very playful. She told me her life story which is too gory to repeat. Around 5am we decided to abnaam duay when she popped the question: "You have condom mai?" Oops. "Mai mee. You have condom mai?" Oops again. "Mai mee." Given the situation she asked me if I was healthy. After I figured out what the right answer was, she offered HJ and/or BJ but no boom-boom.

I'm glad that at least some of the girls are taking care of themselves. I asked her why she doesn't carry condoms. She told me that cops have searched her bag before and questioned her about condoms she carried, so she stopped. That's really fucked up, if you ask me. You want to fight prostitution, fine, but for fuck's sake don't make it hard on the girls to protect themselves.

Of course, I never intended to go bareback and I did some magic and produced an economy pack of Trojans which earned me an affectionate slap on the face and a kiss as well as a few other things...

Part 4: Today I think too much

Thu, 17 May 2001

This morning I feel cranky. For a reason. Last night the jetlag reappeared and forced me to retire at 8pm, alone. At around 10pm I was woken up by a knock on the door. I opened the door and two lovely puying apologized profusely saying 'long loom'. I told them it's the 'lite loom' and invited them to join me but they just giggled and went away. Sigh. So bear with me while I attack a few of the ASFO holy cows.

Thai ladies are more beautiful than farang ladies

Let me preface this by clarifying that I too have a preference for Thai lady. Repeat, preference. What that means is that I would rather be with a lovely Thai lady than with a lovely farang lady, given a choice. But I hear this sentiment generalized to mean that farang lady get fat and ugly when they get older and Thai lady don't. Bullshit. Just open your eyes, gentlemen. Even among bar-girls there are plenty that we won't barfine. Now look at the general population. OK, maybe they don't get fat the same way farang lady do, but I don't see many puying in the 30-50 age category that I would like to bed. No more than in Italy or Norway. Sometimes we forget that the bar-girl population is the cream of the Isaan crops.

White bitches are only after our money

As opposed to the 19 year old bunnies from Buriram who fall madly in love with the 50iesh pot-bellied bolding farang. Whom they marry out of pure love. To whom it would never occur to ask for money for shopping or for clothes or to send to their mama-papa. And who, when they divorce us, would never even dream of taking us to cleaners. Yeah, right.

Thai men are no good

Lazy, drinking, gambling, what have you. I guess this is as opposed to the girls who would never sleep all day or watch TV for hours. Or drink too much. And gambling is right out.

Yesterday was a day of national mourning. In the early afternoon I saw a huge crowd of people in front of a shop window. Watching lottery on TV. The rest of the day, everyone was checking their lists, comparing the numbers, and passionately discussing what they could've done and should've done. Lots of sad girls last night. Another cycle of the hope of winning just came to an end.

Keep in mind, Thai men we deal with are the bottom of the barrel. There's an entire middle class as well as upper class with whom a farang will rarely come in contact. They're no better no worse than western middle class. For sure there are differences--corruption is ubiquitous and they may keep a mia noi or two, but to say they're 'no good' just doesn't fly.

All Thais are lazy

I suspect I qualify for being lazy too, then. All right, let's have a show of hands. How many asfoers are interested in working at a construction site for USD 2.50 per day? Personally, I too would rather sit on a sidewalk and scam dumb farang.

And yet, millions of Thais do work those jobs, and cleaning jobs, and secretary jobs, earning under 10K Baht in Bangkok. That's about two days worth of expenses for an average asfoer here. Or about 20% of what an average farang needs to live here.

Thai's alleged laziness is one of the main threads in Stephen Leather's Private Dancer. The most believable character in this novel is Big Ron, an owner of a bar near the NEP, with waitresses in red uniforms. Not Jools, of course, as all characters and places in the book are fictional. The bar girls are just 'jism receptacles' and to treat them as anything else is asking for trouble. All Thais are too lazy to lift a finger. And other assorted generalizations.

Nothing wrong with generalizations but I think that the picture of Thailand and bar-girls as presented in Private Dancer is quite warped. Makes me think that maybe Steven Leather himself got burned by a bar girl or something. I can't see why else he would treat Thais with such contempt. Oh well. Those who scorn shall never taste.

Why do I have a feeling I'm gonna get ripped apart for this post?

Part 5: Tilacs everywhere

Fri, 18 May 2001

The rainy season is here. Last night a torrential rain turned Sukhumvit into a river. But at least it cools off the air--last couple of nights I turned off the A/C and slept with the window open, which I rarely do even in November or December.

Once again I committed the cardinal sin against the hotel rules and smuggled durian in my room. It must be in season--it's everywhere, it's quite cheap, and it's absolutely delicious. Yeah, I know, some of you will say it stinks. Well, think of it as eating pussy. Not something you'd ordinarily think of as food, but quite tasty once you get into it.

Cabbages and Condoms is a fine Thai restaurant on Sukhumvit Soi 12. Classy setup, attentive staff, and very good food. And not much more expensive than any dive that serves food out of plastic bowls. I a glass of Jim Beam, crab appetizer and crab main entree, and a beer, all came to 600 Baht, including tip.

The best value for Internet access is still the 'Hyperlink' cafe at Ambassador plaza, the one next to the Thai food hall. 1B per minute with membership. Good speed, nice monitors, and 3-4 very funny girls who run the place. (To preempt objections, yes, there are places that charge 30 baht per hour, if you're willing to travel to the suburbs.)

* * *

At 10pm, Tilac was rocking. Tilac and Long Gun always seem full of farang, even when the other bars are slow. And the ladies in Tilac are lovely--IMO, the best selection at Soi Cowboy. What I don't like is how aggressive they are. Last nite I decided to play my own game, not theirs. First, the resident whale came and within 20 seconds she asked for a drink, boom-boom, and a drink. Oh, did I mention she wanted a drink, too? No, thanks, I'm waiting for my friend Nut. Gods were on my side and the whale disappeared. Then I got attacked by a barracuda. After turning down her offer that I buy her cola she told me a few obscenities in Thai which I acknowledged with a smile; yep, I'm jai-dam big time and I'm glad we're on the same wavelength, you bitch. Then a cutie came by who's been flirting with me across the room and I bought her cola while the barracuda was still around. The cutie sat in my lap while we watched the body-painting show. Guys, it sounds hokey, but trust me, if you've never seen one you should check it out. It is an incredible sight to see the neon light picture morph on a beautiful female body. Much sexier than opening a coke bottle with pussy, if you ask me. But hey, there's no accounting for taste, eh?

Got out of Tilac while my tilac was about to shed fake tears. I told her I big butterfly and have mia at the hotel. That calmed her down somewhat and I was allowed to leave in peace.

Next place I went to was a smaller bar that will have to remain nameless at this point. One of the dancers sat down with me. She spoke fluent English. Unfortunately, her repertoire was limited to 'how are you, what your name, how long you stay bangkok'. But she was playful and fun to be with.

Then I noticed one of the dancers on stage. Beautiful face, a bit older, 30 perhaps, and a smile that makes you melt. She was giggling the whole time as she watched the mating ritual taking place in front of her.

After her dance was over she joined us and I had to divide my attention between the two girls. Girl two spoke some English which made girl one a little jealous. I'm still not sure what exactly was going on between the two of them. The first girl kept asking me to bar-fine her, the second girl kept asking me to bar-fine them both, and I kept asking myself how to bar-fine girl two without causing a major loss of face for girl one. God, life is good.

There was no solution for the conundrum. I grabbed the business card before I left and figured I can always call and ask the second girl for Dominoes Pizza. Then, if she wants to tell the first girl, that's their problem, not mine.

But that was not to be. I got to Thermae around 1am which gave me enough time to find a receptacle for the night. The word was out that the Bangkok finest may come to serve and protect around 2am. On my first round I ran into a girl I had bar-fined two nights earlier, and several girls I had talked to before. It's absolutely amazing how you land at Don Muang and you're a stranger in a strange city, and within 2-3 days you have half-a-dozen girls greeting you on the street and at Thermae and you have a bunch of slips with phone numbers and you need to change hotels because girls knock on your door when you least expect it...

It is also funny how a few days in Bangkok changes your entire outlook. On the first night you walk in and you drool and it's hard to decide which of the many lovely puying you want to bring to the hotel. 2-3 nights later you can't find what you're looking for! But to quote something I've overheard, if you can't find a girl you like at Thermae, there is definitely something wrong with you. And last night for me it was a university student who only came to Thermae for one night to pay her tuition. As Prathet said before, everything is Thermae is what you want it to be, and I liked her story. Much more fun than if she'd said that she's a hooker and that she's been working Thermae for the past 2 years, eh? She didn't want to go long time (I think she had to study for a Differential Equations exam) which suited me just fine because I wanted the morning to myself.

It's incredible how much fun these girls are. They could just go through the motions, grab the money, and get the fuck out, like their farang colleagues. It's much more fun to get to the hotel and spend some time just sitting around and talking, maybe grab a beer and watch a little TV. By the time you do the inevitable you feel that you know the girl a little.

To me, this is the essence of the Thai scene.

Part 6: Kingdom of Make-Believe

Sun, 20 May 2001

--- Long Gun wrote:

> Friday saw the culmination of the latest efforts by the Nanapong team to

> keep the good folk of Bangkok, and their guests, entertained - Dance Contest 4.

Don't know if I went to the same event as LG--all I remember is loud music and about 3,000 guys crammed in a tiny little bar. I escaped after a few minutes and went to Kangaroo. Yep, Kangaroo, the infamous Patpong upstairs BJ bar.

Two girls approached me and I answered their direct question with an equally direct answer: "No, thank you." One left. The one who stayed was an exceptionally good conversationalist. Her English was very good, she had a sense of humor, and firm grasp of reality. She was the first girl I ever talked to who could comprehend the concept of learning a language because it's fun. Her comment was, "Khon farang free in their head, khon Thai not free, khon Thai stupid, khon Thai lazy."

I think she captured it well--although the way I would describe it is that generally speaking, Thais - at least the ones we come in contact with - are not inquisitive. If there is something they don't know or understand, it ends with 'mai roo'. It's never 'I'd like to know' or 'I'll find out'. Just just 'mai roo'. I asked a girl in Thermae if she cuts her pubic hair. She said, "yes, cut, all puying cut. short hair better.' I asked, 'why better'? She looked at me confused, then she relaxed, smiled, and said, 'Better. I not know why'.

Last night I checked into a hotel and the A/C took forever to cool the room. I call the reception, they send one of the waiters (!) to fix it. He taps the air-conditioner three times, smiles, holds his hand in the air stream, and says, 'good'. I hold my hand in the air stream, and say, 'patlom dii. air mai dee. mai yen.' He digests the information, nods, and says, 'wait 10 minit. if mai yen in 10 minit, you call, send maintenance.'

Not surprisingly, ten minit later the A/C is still mai-yen. Another call downstairs and a guy in blue uniform arrives. He uses the same technique, only he taps the A/C about 10 times, rather than three. 'I think good. I think Yen.' I say, 'I think no good. Mai yen.' More tapping. A few more smiles. 'Wait 20 minit. if mai yen in 20 minit call, change loom'.

* * *

I have borrowed the subject line from a book I just bought in Asia books. Captures the spirit of Thailand. Smile and wish the problems away. This must be the only country in the world where thinking is considered a malady. 'think too much' is an affliction to be avoided at all cost. It causes all kinds of problems, ranging from mild headache to suicide.

* * *

Some time ago Chanchao praised the Thai bar-girls' English skills, to which I would like to add the following:

Chanchy, You made an unfair comparison. Farang in Thailand have very little incentive to learn Thai. Certainly their standard of living doesn't depend on it. It is very easy to live here for 10 years and get by with less than 100 Thai words. Like you, if I were to live in a foreign country for several years, I would make every effort to learn the language. But a lot of people don't.

OTOH, for bar-girls, English skills are assets that have direct impact on their earnings. And I'll agree with you that most of the girls will learn a lot during their first 6-12 months in the bar--probably no more and no less than a farang would learn. But have you noticed how few get to the level where they can have an actual conversation? They learn a few phrases that help them get barfined but that's it.

I can only guess what the reasons might be. But I think it has to do with the fact that they expect that a school (which they can't afford) would teach them the language, whereas in fact it would only help them learn it. I think the lack of inquisitiveness also comes into play--when farang talk to each other, the girls always space out rather than listen and try to understand. Probably other reasons too, but the fact remains, given the opportunities, their English skills are dismal. I've met more English speaking people in Phnom Penh in 3 days than in Bangkok in all of my trips combined.

* * *

On Saturday I checked out of my room and took a cab to Ekamai. My 12:40 bus ticket got confiscated by the conductor. 'flend me go now. you go 1:10' I know better than to argue. I got to sit in seat #1, first row. The best seat on the bus. Good A/C, far from the smelly hong-naam, lots of leg-room. Less than 2 hours later I at was sipping on a Southern Comfort Manhattan at a beer-bar on Soi 8.

I hit the bars at 8pm. God, it's good to be back to Pattaya. Short walk down Soi 8 and back up Soi 7 and I noticed a bar where I had barfined a girl about 6 months ago. I sat down, ordered Sanghtip-Coke and noticed a cute girl sitting across the bar. I smiled at her; she smiled back but lacked enthusiasm. The girl I had bar-fined before smiled and mouthed discretely to me, 'i remember you', but didn't otherwise interfere.

Usually I don't pursue a girl if she doesn't show interest. But I figured, what the hell, if nothing happens I'll just spend a few minutes here and move on, and I asked the cute girl to play game. After a few easy wins I bought her a drink and we started chatting. She really warmed up to me after a while and we had a good time. Khun Narak has never been married. She's a tiny little thing and she complains that Thai men don't like small girls--I guess it's part of 'the grass is greener over there' syndrome. She has the most pleasant personality. By the time I check-bin she's already showing a lot of genuine but cautious affection.

I suggested we go to the Green Bottle Restaurant for chu-chi kuung, one of my favorite meals. Khun Narak has a better idea; she takes me to a Thai restaurant on the corner of Pattaya Klaang and Second Road, right next to Alibaba. And I'm glad I let her make the choice; chu-chi kuung here is fantastic. I liked the restaurant a lot--nicely decorated, Thai classical music in the background, with friendly staff dressed in traditional Thai outfits. I'll definitely go back.

Back at the hotel we ate fruits and watched a little TV. My suggestion to ab-naam duay meets with a grimace--after all, Khun Narak has only been working bar a little over one month and she's still very shy. And she still hasn't started cutting her pubes which earns her high marks in my book. In bed it's slow going. But patience definitely proved to be a virtue in this case. It took maybe 30 minutes of cuddling and talking before she lost her inhibitions and given up the towel.

Ten minutes later she turns me on my back and turns into a tiger. Insatiable. What makes this wild session doubly exciting is her shyness. Yeah, you can go to the Eden club and have two girls fuck your brains out, but there is something very different about being with a shy girl. A sense of conquest, I guess. A thrill of getting through a barrier.

We fell asleep intertwined. It was still dark when Khun Narak got restless. We didn't have sex; we made love. And I'm thinking, ohmigod, I'm in trouble now. I only have one week in Pattaya, I want to see 3-4 girlfriends from the past visits, and I'm already in too deep after the first night.

Or is it all make-believe?

Part 7: Sex in the Slow Season

Mon, 21 May 2001

Last night, Gods must have been crazy. Nothing went as planned.

It was time to make the rounds and see which of my past acquaintances are in town. I love to visit bars where I have history. Mostly the girls remember me, but I have most fun when they recognize me but can't quite remember who I am. And that's what happened at the first bar I went to. Two girls greet me; then they give me a quizzical second look. What your name? Mad Max, I say. They look sort of confused, and they say, Mad Max, na? Mai shua! But then Lek comes out of nowhere, runs to me screaming, and gives me a hug and blows my cover. Road Warrior, khun sabai-dee mai?

Lek is one of the ladies that would probably rate below 5 on an ASFO scale. The kind of girl that Giovanni might take out for dinner to Cabbages and Condoms out of revenge. I truly love this lady as a friend. The fact that we can have sex makes it even better. She has terrific personality and lucky is the man who gets to marry this used up Thai whore, as GoldenMan would say. She is truly a gem.

She is also one of the very few Thai ladies I trust. Not 100% (after five days that would be foolish, wouldn't it), but she's come through for me every time. And I was pleased to find out last night that the trust goes both ways. I told her I had some business to do but that I'd like her to spend a few days with me later in the week. As I was fixing to leave I paid for the drinks with a 1,000 Baht note, but the bar had just opened and they had no change. They sent a girl out on a mission, but five minutes later she came back with the same 1,000 Baht note.

The cashier asked Lek if she could pay for the drinks. No ploblem, I pay dlink you pay me later, na? It was only 200 Baht, no big deal, but I was happy that she was still the same Lek as I remembered her.

Noi (Mia #2) spotted me long before I saw her. Her Connect 4 still sucks but her English went from 200 degrees below zero to very good in six months. Very impressive. I spent two or three nights with her in November. Caught her on her first day in bar but in bed she was an animal. But that's another story. Anyway, I told Noi I had some business to do but that I'd like her to spend a few days with me later in the week. I'm curious what six months in the bar did to her sensuality.

On to see Nui (Mia #3). Ooops, too late. Married khon Angrit. Bummer. And Porn, Mia #4 went upcountry and won't be back for 2-3 weeks.

Next stop: FLB, formerly known as The Freelancer. I was supposed to meet Lucky there. There was only one guy there who fit the description, but he seems to have interpreted my question if he was lucky as an insult.

I was getting a little tired so I thought I'd go fetch my tilac from previous night. I'd told her I'd come by before midnight and she said she'd wait for me. I get there and my tilac is MIA. 'Wannee kao mai sabai, mai maa bar.' I see, she called in sick, huh? Yeah, right.

I take the opportunity to talk to another girl at the same bar, whom I barfined about six months ago. Smart lady, speaks good English and seems to even have some computer skills. Too bad she works bar, I think she could do better and all she lacks is self-confidence.

It's getting late, 3am is around the corner so it's now or never. I spot a real cutie sitting in the back of a bar sterilizing a pair of zircon-encrusted tweezers. We sit and talk for a while but we don't really connect so I ask for check-bin thinking I'm going to spend the night alone. Then she looks me in the eye and she says, "If you're ready, willing, and able, I can help you reach Nirvana tonight." (These may not be her exact words but it was something to that effect.) I went against my instincts and agreed--and am I glad I did!

As soon as I emerge from the shower she turns off the TV and embraces me. We start in a sideways position. After a few minutes of slow warm-up action she positions herself on top of me and starts driving. Hard. After a few minutes I try to change position. She shakes her head, puts my hands on her breasts and says, one minute. I still don't have a clue about what is going on. She rides hard for a few minutes and once again I try to turn her around.

She opens her eyes, shakes her head, and this time she pleads, "One more minute!" She puts my hands back on her breasts and starts riding again. I sort of look at her in disbelief, thinking she's putting on a good performance.

And then it starts happening. She closes her eyes and her face gets almost a pained expression. And she keeps riding hard. This goes on for about five minutes and I can tell she's getting there--her face gets all contorted, and she starts breathing hard. And then she tenses up and starts moaning. Her eyes are open now, a glazed look. She comes down slowly. She's a tiny little thing, and as I hold her breasts I can still feel her heart pounding. Then she relaxes completely, rolls off of me, smiles, and says, "Now you make."

I did. But it wasn't nearly as much fun as watching her make.

When I came back from my shower she was dressed and ready to go. Sort of disappointing. It hasn't happened to me in a long time that a Pattaya beer-bar girl wanted to leave. I gave her 500 Baht. She asked for 700. Wouldn't leave until I gave her 600.

Gentlemen, I felt humiliated. She used me as a sex thing. She didn't respect me as a person. And then she had the unmitigated audacity to take my money. It was supposed be the other way around...

Part 8: The Conquest

Wed, 23 May 2001

My trip report for the past two days:

Shag.

Sleep.

Shag.

Eat.

Shag.

Sleep. . . .

* * *

My life on Soi 8 is getting to be a communal affair. It's good thing I never bar-fine in my home Soi.

One of my favorite beer bars in the Soi has a cute little cashier. Very shy, yet very flirtatious. Whenever I walk by the bar she sneaks up behind me to tickle me, and then she runs back to safety, giggling. Last night she gave me a red rose. One of the other girls told me the cashier is her younger sister whom she just brought to Pattaya to meet a nice farang. Family planning a la Isaan, I guess.

I made my first lunch-time visit to Welcom Inn. A small daytime action bar with 20-25 girls. Very experienced girls. You sit down, order a drink, and before you take the first sip you will have a girl sitting next to you offering her professional services. I decided to save my strength for the night.

The Soi 2/3 beer-bar area is going strong and there are many cute girls to be found there. I zeroed in on a pretty lady who seemed like a very pleasant personality. My drinking buddy assured me she's at least a 6 (I'd hate to be kicked out of ASFO for bar-fining below-the-line) so I made a mental note of the bar location and we moved on. The next bar we selected was full of very ugly girls. The ugliest of them all challenged me to a game of Connect-4 and after 15 games the score was 15-0. It's a good thing I didn't bet her any money. I'm definitely coming back to this bar.

It was getting late and my drinking buddy got dragged off by a hoard of screaming women--must have been the cigar he was smoking. I was leisurely strolling back to the bar where we started the evening and when my targeted 6 saw me she said, 'ooo, sexy man, i go wit you'. So I pulled out 200 Baht, and I handed her the money. She's looking at me and at the money, confused. Funny how you break the protocol and they don't know what to do. But, it was a bad choice. She was no fun to be with, sex was average, and she left early in the morning. And I was happy to get rid of her.

* * *

After hearty breakfast at Pig And Whistle pub on Soi 7 (_the_ best breakfast in Pattaya, IMO, cost 85 Baht) I went down to check out a few beer bars on the Beach Road. The girl who brought me my cup of coffee forgot to bring sugar and cream, and wasn't sure what to do with the chit. I thought I'd strike up a conversation.

"Hello."

"Arai na?"

"H e l l o, h o w a r e y o u?"

"No Englit."

Nui came from Isaan 3 days ago. When I asked her if she wanted to pai duay her eyes got big, she smiled nervously and went to discuss the proposition with the senior staff members. Several interviews later the bar staff came to consensus that Nui should pai duay. I put her up at my hotel room, asked her to get comfortable, and went out to meet some friends.

I got back around 11pm and after a quick shower we settled in bed. Gentlemen, this was hard work. I didn't want to pressure her, in fact I told her that if she didn't want to have sex, no problem, and if she wanted to leave, no problem either. I had to gain the territory inch by inch. I let her reclaim any territory at will. The conquest lasted about 2 hours and I almost felt asleep twice. But in the end it was worth it. The first time around she was very tentative. In the morning I tricked her into a position on the top of me. After about 10 minutes she seemed to have found a comfortable position and all of sudden we connected. She stayed on the top for a long time, moaning quietly while hiding her face from me.

Bring on the night, I couldn't stand another hour of daylight...

Part 9: When the doves cry

Thu, 24 May 2001

The outfits of the bargirls were not simply black but long-sleeved and immaculate and of the finest material; attire which had obviously cost a great deal. The girls of Patpong Road had dressed at Oy's funeral to give to one of their own in death - that which one in their profession would seldom if ever receive in life - dignity and respect.

Dean Barrett, Kingdom of Make-Believe

 

Nui bought new clothes with her first wages of sin. And she looked stunning. Too bad she didn't have time to change into her new outfit before we went out for dinner with Khun P. and his date!

After dinner she jumped in the shower and come out looking so sexy that going out was the last thing on my mind. But Nui was ready to rock'n'roll and there was no stopping her. She had no idea what she wanted to do though and she turned down offers to go see a movie, to go shopping, to go out for a second dinner, and to go to a gogo bar. Well, that doesn't leave many choices in Pattaya so we just hopped on a baht bus and went to pai tiaw at the Royal Garden. Then my darlin' decided we were going to walk back all the way to Soi 8 and no amount of pleading would change her mind.

We get back to the hotel, consume a fruit or two, shower, and watch a little TV. Nui is quiet but affectionate and pretty soon the TV goes off. Afterwards we go back to watching TV and eating fruits and all of a sudden she bursts out crying. After she calms down enough to talk she says, "yaak glap hong. dai mai?" I want to go back to my room, can I? Sure darling, anything you want, but what's wrong? Shakes her head, disappears in the bathroom, comes out fully dressed a minute later. I hold her hands and ask her if she angry me. No. Did I hurt her? No.

She's just standing there in the hallway, crying, and I'm not sure what do to. Then she walks up to me and stretches her arms out for a hug. She's sobbing in my arms for a few minutes, then she whispers to me, "Kit-teung luuk." She was thinking of her daughter.

Was she thinking that her daughter too, when she's old enough to be screwed by farang, will come to Pattaya? Thinking about how her daughter will feel when drunk farang fondle her in the bar and openly discuss attributes of her anatomy? Thinking about how her daughter will feel when she walks the Soi and her own kind look at her with contempt? Thinking about how her daughter will feel the first time she leaves a hotel room, violated, with 1,000 Baht in her pocket?

Nui turned her back to me and grabbed her purse. She picked up the banknotes I'd left out for her and froze. Then, instead of throwing the money on the floor she put them in her pocket, looked at me with her beautiful eyes full of tears, and left.

Part 10: ... and what a lovely she was

Fri, 25 May 2001

Khun P:

Thanks for the fun evening at Jomtien. I doubt I would have gotten my lazy ass all the way to the far end of the beach on my own. Great food, excellent company.

By the way, this being Thailand and all, things didn't turn out the way I expected. After you dropped us off, my dinner date, lovely Mia #1 in green dress, pulled me aside in Soi 8 to tell me that she 'mai pai gap puchai' and wished me good night. I was in a complete state of shock, enhanced by half a bottle of Southern Comfort but I congratulated her and we parted as good friends. I had spent some time with her six months ago and I was enchanted with her personality. Whatever her story is, I wish her good luck.

Oh, remember I told you I had seen the bar log? It was sitting on the counter and I asked for permission to inspect it. After a few giggles one of the ladies handed me the book. From time to time people wonder how often do the girls barfine, and here are some answers.

Each lady has a section, listing her activities for the month. Clock in time for each day. Optionally followed by "OFF" (in English). First I wasn't sure if OFF might mean a day off, but then I found entries with no clock-in time and 'wan-yuut' (an equivalent of English 'day off'). So OFF apparently means a bar-fine.

In the two months that the book covered, most ladies had 5-10 bar-fines per month on average. There were 3-4 ladies who had none. There were 2-3 ladies who bar-fined nearly every day, maybe missing 2-3 days a month. This was at a Pattaya beer-bar in the Soi 7/8 area for the months of April and May which is a slow season.

Mia #1 had no bar-fines for the two months, except a two week block in the middle of April. Which I suspect may have something to do with her not going with puchai any more. If that's the case, he's one lucky guy. This is one of the very few ladies I would trust more than an English bloke named Andy Zithead.

It was only nine o'clock, and I landed at a beer bar full of lonely ladies and no customers. I ended up buying two bottles of Mekhong and getting the entire bar as drunk as I was. Surrounded by twelve lovelies, laughing, screaming, dancing, fighting, what a night that was.

Went back to a bar on Soi 7 to see another lovely I had bar-fined six months ago. But she was busy playing pool with another farang and I ended up bar-fining one of her colleagues. And it was a good thing that I had someone to drag me back to my hotel room safely. I resisted her advances all night but finally gave in the morning...

Part 11: Stink Fruit

Sat, 26 May 2001

--- I wrote:

> She's just standing there in the hallway, crying, and I'm not sure

> what do to. Then she walks up to me and stretches her arms out for a

> hug. She's sobbing in my arms for a few minutes, then she whispers to

> me, "Kit-teung luuk." She was thinking of her daughter.

I have yet to figure out what would make a nice gift for a Thai girl.

I spent a lot of time thinking about what to get for Nui. I must admit I was a little shook up the night she left crying. I can't really explain what I felt. Turmoil, I guess.

Stuffed teddy bear just didn't seem right for the occasion, so I went to a goldsmith and got Nui an amulet, letter "N." Yeah, I know what y'all are thinking: "He's feeling guilty. Pure old fashioned guilt. Next he's going to start sending her money."

Wrong. I suppose I was touched. She was so vulnerable. I just wanted to do something nice for her.

When I gave her the pendant she looked at at me with her big beautiful eyes, a little unsure of herself. She showed the gift to her older sister who gave me thumbs up. I wished Nui good luck and I left.

I never went back. It would have been too easy for emotions to get out of hand. I had already caught myself thinking about her too much and I know better than to play with fire.

* * *

On the way back to the hotel, Taa - the cute cashier on Soi 8 - dragged me in her bar once again. And I realized it has become my home bar.

To me, home bar is not the bar where my tilac works; on the contrary, it's a bar where I have no attachments. A bar where I have friends. Where I can get drunk and they'll see to it that I get home safely. Where I can leave an unpaid bin and they know I'm good for it. A bar where I pour my own drinks if everyone's too busy. A bar where I can bring a different girlfriend every day without worrying about indiscretions. A bar where there is an unspoken contract between me and the staff.

There was a British guy who came to the same bar. Every afternoon. A quiet fella; just drank his Scotch and stared. Usually alone. Sometimes with a lady in tow. The girls at the bar liked the mystery man. It could have been his home bar too.

That afternoon, as usual, he wandered through the doorway like a shadow from the tomb, sat down, and ordered a drink. One of the girls grabbed his lighter to light a cigarette. He jumped up and just went crazy. Next ten minutes I watched his animated monologue as he was explaining to the girl that she has to ask for permission before she borrows his lighter and how in England they would punch her in the face if she did that. Finally he settled back into his drunken stupor, and kept muttering to himself, "I'm just tryin' to fuckin' educate them."

Well, sailor, let me educate _you_. This ain't England - thank God - and I suspect there is a reason you're here and not in a bar somewhere in Liverpool or Manchester. The girl didn't ask your permission because she considered you to be more than just a customer. You blew it. The girl went and bought you a new lighter; I suspect she never spoke to you again. And I don't blame her. You went from being a customer to being a regular to being a fixture. But you're probably too dumb to understand any of this...

 

Anyway, that afternoon, Khun Taa dragged me in as usual. It was too early to start drinking - but what the hell. A few Sang-Thip Cokes later I was getting hungry and the bar was getting crowded and I thought of a way kill both birds with one stone--I bought a large durian. Within minutes all the farang put on their tennis shoes or an occasional python boot and cleared the bar. I had all of the girls to myself, happily munching on the stink fruit. Big happy family.

The afternoon siesta was briefly interrupted by a couple dressed in business attire. You must've seen them - they are selling condos, timeshares, and similar fictitious real estate. They handed me a sheet of paper with English writing. I looked at it, handed it back to them, smiled apologetically, and I said, "Aan angrit mai dai" [i can't read English]. The expression of their face was priceless. A perfect Kodak moment.

* * *

Off to see Mia #2. Except she didn't show up for work and no one seems to know where she might be. One of her friends said that she not work for two week now, but I tell her I see her three day ago and friend say, yes, three day ago work, but she not work for two week. I see. Can's say that I follow the logic but the bottom line is, she's with a farang. Which means I must go shopping.

It was a long string of bad luck. You sit down, they ignore you. You sit down and the cute girl won't talk to you. You sit down and the cute girl is not so cute after all. As Giovanni said, it's a lottery. Like with lottery, you buy a lot of losing tickets before you buy a winning one. But unlike with lottery, if you persist you will find the winner. Usually.

Three hours later and no bar-fine material in sight I barfined a girl who spoke good English to join me for dinner. To preempt further advances I told her, "mee mia leew" [i have a lady already] and once she figured out there was an - imaginary - jealous wife sleeping at my hotel room, any ideas that she might have about seducing me evaporated. After dinner I kissed her good-bye and decided to check out a few beer bars off the beaten path.

* * *

Not good. The one cute girl, a midget with dark skin and waist-long hair, was completely ignoring all of my attempts at conversation. That's it, I'm thinking, I'll finish my beer and retire alone.

Then she brought a handful of sweet goo and inserted it in my mouth. Finger-licking good! She brought more sweets and started feeding them to me. Then she disappeared. Then she came back. Then disappeared again. For chrissake, is there any rhyme or reason to any of this? I paid my check-bin and started walking away.

I didn't get far. An older girl dragged me back, pointing to the midget: 'She want go wit you'. The midget is just giggling so I ask her point blank, 'You sure you want to go?' More giggles. I say, 'she not sure' and start walking away.

This time I don't even get past the fuming incense stencher. The midget attacks me and drags me back. I ask again, 'you sure?' She giggles some more, then she looks over at me with a glazed eye and some bovine perspiration on her upper lip area, and she says, 'I'm sure.'

And so am I.

Part 12: Sex in the Slow Season, cont

Sat, 27 May 2001

As always, the last night in Pattaya is depressing as hell. I walk around but it's like watching a movie. Distant. Disconnected. Something I'm not part of any longer. The thought that tomorrow life will go on without me is more that I can handle.

I always reserve the last night for a special lady. A lady whose company I enjoy, with whom I feel comfortable. I also like to take her back to Bangkok with me. That way I can spend those last few days in peace instead of drawing on the geometry of chance in Thermae.

But this trip was different than most others. I usually find at least one lady (and sometimes two or three) with whom I spend several days. Get infatuated with. Do daytime things with. Get to know the person after the facade disappears. Get to know her friends, her favorite foods, her favorite positions.

That was not to happen on this trip. All of the ladies I've met were nice and fun to be with but we never really clicked. So every morning it was a good-bye. And the old girlfriends were all gone.

I think my MO is different from most other ASFOers. Some go for quantity. Others go for quality in terms of looks. Many would never take the same girl twice. Some wouldn't even spend an entire night with the girl.

I don't argue with that. To each their own. But I'm different. If I don't find a lady I like, I'd rather spend a night alone rather than just take whoever happens to be available. To me the sanuk part is just as important as sex. I like the daytime activities with the lady. You get to see and do things you wouldn't on your own. And getting to know these ladies can be a lot of fun. Most of the time it seems they come from a different planet but with enough patience you can occasionally bridge the gap. Speaking their language helps a lot. I don't speak it much better than they speak English, but allowing them to speak their own language gives them a sense of comfort. They seem to enjoy the change of routine.

But back to the last night in Pattaya...

So when the last nite came, there was no one special. I wandered around for couple of hours. Visited half a dozen beer-bars but I wasn't in the mood for the usual games and bullshit. I was surrounded by 20,000 lovely ladies but I decided to call it a day and I headed back to hotel.

Then I saw her sitting at the bar; the lady with zircon encrusted tweezers was back. We made plans for the night without a single word:

Zet: raise eyebrows [i go wit you?]

I : nod [OK]

Zet: questioning nod toward hotel [go hotel now?]

I : nod [yes]

Why go back for seconds? Well, it's not quite like going with a wife, but there is an element of familiarity. When Zet comes in the room she know on what side of bed she's going to be sleeping. When she takes off her towel, she know we're going to start sideways and she knows she's going to climb on the top and take advantage of me. She knows I will submit to her demands without a word of protest.

And everything goes according to the script. Unlike last time though, afterwards she cuddles up and goes to sleep. I ask her why she didn't stay the night before, but I fall asleep before she has a chance to come up with a lie.

I can't wait to be back in Pattaya.

Part 14: Tilacs Everywhere, Cont

Sun, 28 May 2001

--- I wrote:

> Next place I went to was a smaller bar that will have to remain

> nameless at this point. One of the dancers sat down with me. She

> spoke fluent English. Unfortunately, her repertoire was limited to

> 'how are you, what your name, how long you stay bangkok'. But she was

> playful and fun to be with.

>

> Then I noticed one of the dancers on stage. Beautiful face, a bit

> older, 30 perhaps, and a smile that makes you melt. She was giggling

> the whole time as she watched the mating ritual taking place in front

> of her.

>

> After her dance was over she joined us and I had to divide my

> attention between the two girls. Girl two spoke some English which

> made girl one a little jealous. I'm still not sure what exactly was

> going on between the two of them. The first girl kept asking me to

> bar-fine her, the second girl kept asking me to bar-fine them both,

> and I kept asking myself how to bar-fine girl two without causing a

> major loss of face for girl one. God, life is good.

>

> There was no solution for the conundrum. I grabbed the business card

> before I left and figured I can always call and ask the second girl

> for Dominoes Pizza. Then, if she wants to tell the first girl, that's

> their problem, not mine.

One week later...

It's a short stop at Baccarat again and one of the miniskirts motions through the plexi-glass ceiling, inviting me upstairs. I end up buying a cola for this giggly girl and watching the boppers bop around, but my thoughts are elsewhere.

I follow my inner voice and end up in Apache, the formerly unidentified smaller bar. The atmosphere here is very different from the bigger bars like Tilac or Long Gun--there are fewer girls and even fewer farang. Much more relaxed and personable.

Nan, the formerly unidentified girl #2, is on stage and, once again, girl #1 sits next to me. Except I make it obvious that I'm here to see Nan and within 3 microseconds I'm sitting alone.

Nan says she's 30 years old - which I guess makes her a senior citizen - and has three kids. Doubts start creeping in. But she's a good conversationalist and we have a lot of fun. She speaks decent English but she's one of those girls who prefer to speak Thai. We sit around the bar for a few minutes but she wants to get out of there.

Back at the hotel we get comfortable, watch a little TV, and we talk a little. She's very friendly and it's obvious she's interested in a long-term relationship. I mean LONG term. I suppose she realizes her career as a gogo dancer is soon to be over and she's looking for some stability. To that effect she tells me she only works bar for three months. And she gives me her address, ripped from an EMS receipt for a letter to Peter in Holland. 'Pen phuen, main pen fen' [he only friend, he not boyfriend]. Well, dear, how many 'friends' have you made in the three months you've worked bar? I just laugh at her.

When you make it obvious you're not buying their lies you get one of two reactions. Most of them will drop the bullshit and they may even tell you have many 'boyfriends' they have supporting them, and such. But there are a few who will stick to their role no matter what. I always get a kick out of that. Nan is somewhere in between. She laughs with me and drops the subject.

And she's the first Christian Thai lady I had a pleasure to know. I asked her how that happened and she told me, except I don't remember. That's a real shame because at the time I thought it was an interesting story.

I guess next time I'm in Bangkok I'll have to ask her again.

Part 15: Broken Hearts Are For Assholes

Mon, 29 May 2001

It's my last night in Bangkok and everything is blurred. A premature case of Post LOS Blues aggravated with several double shots of Southern Comfort. I manage to get kicked out of Fantasia. And things go downhill from there.

Last walk thru Soi 3. The Russian contingent is in position. I retreat.

Last visit to BG7. A cute girl joins me. She's a little wobbly. When she asks me where I'm from for the third time, I retreat.

Last trip to Thermae. A GRO who tended to all my needs last week attacks me in the hong-naam. Yes, Tilac, I know it's your happy birthday, and yes, I'll buy you another beer...

I'm entering the self-pity stage. Its midnite and it feels like this is the end. Time to make the exit and face stark reality. But wait…

The girl is sitting in a booth, staring at her hands. Five minutes go by. No eye contact. Five more minutes. I can't resist.

"Hello."

"Puut Thai dai mai?"

"Huh?"

"I no spik Inglit."

"OK, no problem, go hotel now?"

"OK."

Outside Thermae, as we pass a Seven-Eleven she says, in near perfect English, "Can you buy a bottle of milk for me?" I retort, "Dai, krap. Khun chop nom, rue?" And we both burst out laughing at the perfect symmetry of our lies.

After showers we relax in bed and I know I'm not going to get much sleep before the early morning flight. Khun Wattanaa is funny and warm, and a delight to talk to. And when the towel comes off, omigod, we're talking thick, wiry, proud, never seen scissors, in its full glory. She even has a tiny patch of hair tracing the line from her navel all the way down to her pubes. As she's rocking against me I can feel her hair against my skin. It just doesn't get any better than this!

After the shag Wattanaa says, "You made me feel," cuddles up and falls asleep within seconds.

Thank you, Wattanaa, for a night to remember.

[ August 12, 2001: Message edited by: Mad Max ]

[Central Scrutinizer]

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7/18/03