The Wedding Night-by Cent-(posted for Sputter)

[Central Scrutinizer]

The Wedding Night

     I lie in the dark listening to the voice of the village whisper in the black humid night that envelops my bedroom. Crickets cry out to each other across the floor, rubbing their legs together in violin fashion in an attempt to call a mate to their little corner of the tile floor. Or maybe they're just having a cricket chat about the days happenings, and informing each other of where the big clumsy humans had dropped some tasty crumby morsels that they dined on earlier, describing their gastronomic feasts in detail like diners just returned from a fine French restaurant. What the hell do crickets eat anyway? Their incessant chatter is interrupted by the distant howl of a dog, which brings the next door neighbor's mangy mutt to his feet from where he lies beneath my window, to start yet another chorus of baying and barking from the infernal mutts of the village. I'm gonna kill that friggin' mutt some day.

     A mosquito buzzes me for a moment, checking out the landing area around the inside of my ear. Sounding for a brief moment like a weed whacker about to trim my sideburns, she realizes her mistake, this is farang blood on sale here. She moves quickly away and over to feast on my sleeping new bride. Even female mosquitos over here prefer Thai food over falang fare. Good.

     Lenny the lizard, yeah, Lenny, I've named the bugger, croaks out his evening profanity. "Fuck you!" he says sweetly. If I could just teach him a few more swears I'd make a fortune selling him to some scurvy buccaneer who's allergic to fowl. I prefer to have a name for the creature who tells me to go fuck myself nightly. Lenny seemed fitting. After the foul mouthed comedian who died of a drug overdose. I imagine my Lenny will be around for a while though. Doubt he'll ever find a hypodermic needle small enough to inject himself with. He's a drug free lizard. "Fuck off Lenny" I whisper to him. "Can't you see I'm ruminating here? Bugger off and go eat one of those noisy fucking fat ass crickets will ya?" He throws a parting "Fuck you" over his scaly shoulder and looks for a more receptive audience. Maybe the geckos'll hang out with him for a while.

     My mind is in a whirl. The days events run through my head and keep me from sleep. Well, that and my lady's snoring. She's out like a light. Her dreams filled with new wifely thoughts I imagine. I run my hand over her bountiful booty. She doesn't move a muscle, but her snoring changes tone a bit. I ponder over my changed life style, my domestication once again. I'm a bit stunned by it all. "I'm fucking married!" I think to myself in wonderous amazement. "Again!" Oops, that one reverberated about in my head some, and caused a bit of a grimace to pull my brows together. Again, again, again, again,...... echoed about in my skull.

     "But we said we wouldn't do that shit again!" my little voice that resides in my skull whined to me. "Oh! Now you come out of hiding you little prick!" I rant to him loudly in the deeper recesses of my slightly larger than a pea brain. "Where the fuck were you when all this was going on? Where were you when I asked her to marry me? AND where the fuck were you when I went to buy the diamond ring, huh? Tell me that asshole! I didn't hear you pipe up then buddy."

     I felt him wince at my harsh words, felt me wince actually. "Well. I was there." myself said to me, "You were just so besotted with love for the lady that you weren't listening to me! We promised each other not to go through this marriage stuff again, remember?" I tossed lightly in the bed in a slight fit of pique and mumbled, "Fuck you. You didn't say a damned thing you liar. Leave me alone. I'm trying to sleep. Besides jerk off, you are me." He grumbled some at that and said, "If you're gonna be like that then I'll just leave." I shifted again on the bed, trying to find a cooler spot on the sheet, and retorted, "Good. Fuck off you twat. You're fulla shit anyways, and I'm tired. Besides, I do love her." I heard him stomp away somewhere into the back of my skull and slam his door. He's such a whiny cunt. Good riddance.

     I was almost asleep when I felt something alight on the bed next to my head. "What the hell was that?" I wondered. I reached behind me and turned on the small dim light on the headboard. In this dim light my new bride mumbled something, and turned away to face in the opposite direction toward the wall. I turned my head and looked on the sheet near me, fully expecting to see that Lenny had come back and dumped a lizard crap on the bed sheet from the ceiling above. He does think he's a fucking comedian. I look, and there sits a goddamned cricket on the bed. "Why you little muthafugga!" I whisper as I raise my hand to swat the little vermin off the bed. "Wait!!" I think I hear the cricket say. I recoil sharply and rub my eyes. "I knew I shouldn't have had those last two glasses of whiskey!" I said to myself. I shook my head to clear it somewhat and went to brush the bug off the bed again. "WAIT!!" I heard again, louder this time. "Whaaaaaa....??" I exhaled in amazement. "Come closer." I hear faintly.

     I lean down closer to the cricket and hear him say, "Well, that's better! Can you hear me better now?" I nod my head dumbly, with jaw agape, and start to try to count how many of those damned Mekong and cokes I had at the wedding reception earlier. Five? Six? "Good." says the cricket. "Come closer." I move lower and closer as I grab my glasses from the top of the headboard and slip them on. "Holy shit!" I whisper loudly in amazement, "Yer fucking Jiminy fucking Cricket!!!" He pulls a face, adjusts his little purple top hat, and pokes me in the nose with his little pointy umbrella! "Shhhhh! Be quiet. You'll wake your new bride, and we don't want that now do we?" he says a bit crossly. "And watch your mouth will you. You swear way too much. I'm a G-rated cricket you know."

     "Oh. Sorry Jiminy. Hey! What am I apologizing to you for? You ain't even fucking real." He pokes me again with the bumbershoot, sharply, and says, "Oh yeah! Is that real enough dammit!? Now look what you made me do boy! You made Jiminy Cricket swear! Poor Walt will be rolling over in his freezer and breaking himself!" I rub my nose and say, "Ow! Be careful with that thing! Sorry man. This sure is freaky! You sure I'm not just drunk?" "Of course you're drunk son! But that helps you break the barrier from reality to fantasy. Now listen up, we need to talk." he said in a serious tone. "Lay down here so you can hear me good."

     I shrug my shoulders and lay back on the pillow. Jiminy struggles a bit to climb up near my ear, so I give him a lift up onto the pillow. I notice he's wearing spats and giggle a bit. Damn, I gotta swear off that Mekong! "Thanks Cent." he says as I place him down. "No problem Mr. Cricket." I say. He walks over the pillow and climbs into my ear, using that damned pointy little umbrella to help hoist himself up. "Ow! Fer chrissakes, watch the umbrella will ya." I bitch quietly. "Whataya think yer a friggin' mosquito or something?" "Oh quit your whining." he says and makes himself comfortable. "Can you hear me good now? And stop your swearing please." he asks. "Uh, sorry. Yeah, I can hear you fine. What are you? My conscience or something?" I ask grinning like a goof. "Exactly!" he pipes.

   "Jesus. Just what I need. A conscience." I think to myself. "Hey! I heard that!" he chirps. "Now, lets get down to business here. I haven't got all night here you know." Like he had a date or something right? "I noticed you've been having some second thoughts about this new marriage of yours. Am I right?" he queries. "Well, not exactly second thoughts really." I say to him cautiously.

     "What then?" he asks. "I dunno. Just questions really. I just don't understand a lot of things. I'm puzzled by a lot of stuff." I mumble. "Like what?" he queries once more. What? He thinks he's a fucking psychoanalyst or something? "Well...why?" I whisper. "Why what?" he asks. This little bastard is starting to bug me with his little questions, no pun intended of course. I shrug and he almost falls out of my ear. He uses his umbrella handle to hang on, and reaches down with it and picks up his top hat, which had fallen off onto the pillow. "Well for one thing..why me? I'm seventeen years older than her. I'm not some young stud ya know. My handsome man days are long past bub. I'm no freakin' prize for a pretty young woman. Like I said....why me?" I repeat quietly.

     He adjusts his top hat to a cocky angle, and wiggles around a bit to resettle himself. Which tickles like hell, and I almost forget myself and start to scratch my ear. I stop my hand, which has risen off the bed in reflex, and place it on my leg instead. "Listen to me Cent." he says sagaciously. (This I gotta hear.) "You're in Thailand right?" I nod my head slightly as he continues. "And this is done more often here by these ladies. Not like in the states, right?" I nod again. "She knows you love her right?" Another nod from me. "You've made her promises right? She believes you as much as she can right? You've built her a house right? She's no spring chicken either right? She is 31 after all. Far from a girl right? You support her right? Love her daughter right? Not your kid right? But you do love her kid, right? She sees that right? You show respect for her family and her culture right? Paid for a big wedding and gave her and her family much face in the village right? You even eat that hot spicy food she makes you all the time right? And don't bitch too much about it right? You buy her nice clothes right? And gold and jewelry right? You send your daughter to a good school and pay for it right? And buy clothes and stuff for the kid right? You rent a nice house in Surin too for them right? You treat her good right? But you're not a wimp right? You're the boss right? She seems to respect you right? And listens to what you say right? Doesn't she? She treats you good right? You're not screwing around on her right? Right? You told her you never would, and meant it right? She believes you right? You fuck her long and hard like a man every night right? You even go down on her like a lesbian in heat with a tongue full of viagra right? She loves it right? And never says no right? And she says she loves you and you believe her right?!! Jeez, for a G-rated little cricket he started to get awful excited and descriptive toward the end of his rant there!

     My head was bobbing up and down like a yoyo on ya baa, and Jiminy was holding onto my ear for dear life. "OKAY!!!" he yelled in my ear. "Then what are you lying about awake and worrying about all this stuff for? Do you think some young stud would do all this for her? They're still too busy dipping their wick everywhere they can, she knows that!" My head stopped bobbing abruptly and Jiminy went flying up in the air, he popped his bumbershoot open and slowly floated down and landed on my nose. He closed the umbrella and slapped me on the nostrils a good one with it. "SO, you see? You have nothing to worry about! Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? You love her and are willing to give it a shot. Same for her. She's taking as much of a chance as you are. Your problem is you read those damned message boards too much, and let all those cynical negative wankers you sometimes find on there get inside your head! They're not you! She's not their lady, she's yours! Don't sweat it. Just give it your best and see what happens. What have you got to lose really?" he said, while waving his little arms about and pacing back and forth during his oratory. He was very animated, if you know what I mean.

     "Yeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!! You're right Jiminy! What the heck! What DO I have to lose?!! What am I worried about anyway? It's been a blast so far! I've been having the time of my life these past few years, and she is a great gal. She treats me good, and is fun and funny, and we get along great. And we clicked right off, but took our time to make sure of how we felt, and didn't rush into it like a lot of others do. She's smart too, and hasn't been a pain in the ass at all. And I do love her! You're right! Thanks Jiminy! How'd a cricket get so smart anyway?" I exclaimed to him with a big smile.

     "It's my job son. All in a days work. I've been doing this a long time you know!" he chortled with a look of smug satisfaction on his tiny green mug. "Now get to sleep and quit your worrying. You're going to need all the sleep you can get to keep up with this little minx!" he said with a grin as he walked over to my lass and lifted the hem of her nighty with the point of his umbrella and took a quick glimpse under at her lovely tush. G-rated my ass! I bet he was getting all the Thai cricket pussy he could handle over here!

     "Heeeeeeeeeeyyyyy! I know now!" I said to Jiminy in excitement. "Know what?" he asked puzzled. "You're a hallucination right? I'm having a freakin' flashback from all that orange sunshine acid I did when I was a teenager right? That's it man, a flashback!" Jiminy ran up, jumped on my chest and reached up with that damned umbrella and poked me right in the eye! "Ow!" I cried, "What're you nuts! You tryin' to blind me man?!" He growled, as much as any cricket can actually growl, "You dead-head ex-hippies drive me bananas! Hallucinate that you twat!!" I covered my watering eye with a hand and apologised, "Jeepers Jiminy. I'm sorry. It was just a thought that crossed my mind, that's all." He grumped, "What mind?" and jumped back down onto the sheet. "I'm leaving. My work's done here."

     "Okay Jiminy! Thanks again. Hey! Can you sing me that Wish Upon a Star song? I always liked that one!" I gushed like a Mouseketeer. "Errrrrrrr...not tonight Centy. I'm a little hoarse right now. Maybe next time kid." he said as he walked over the sheet to the edge of the bed. "A little horse! Hahahaha! I thought you were a little cricket!" I burbled. He pulled another face and said "Ah, yeaaaaahh. Okay." Jeez, you'd a thought Walt had never cracked a corny joke to him all those years they were together. "Need a hand down there Jiminy?" I asked, trying to be helpful in my gratitude for his helping me out. "Nope. I'll just take the elevator." he grinned, and jumped over the edge of the bed, while popping open his umbrella and floating away towards the floor by the wall near the bed.

     All of a sudden I caught a glimps of something racing down the wall, and a long pink tongue flashed out and grabbed poor Jiminy in a flickering instant, and he was gone! "Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!" he cried as he disappeared down fucking Lenny the Lizard's goddamned throat! "You fucking motherfucker!!!!!" I cried as I grabbed my pillow and hurled it at Lenny, "Let him go you rotten prick!"

     My new wife woke up with a start and said, turning to me with sleep tousled hair and a frown on her puss, "Darling! What you do?!! You okay?" I jumped up and pointed to the hung ceiling tile where Lenny had scurried off behind and yelled, "That fucking lizard ate my conscience goddamnit!!!" She looked at me funny and said, "Darling you mao. Dlink too much Mekong. Sleep now." A small tear trickled down my cheek as she turned away, pulling the garish sheet she had chosen for our bed over her head, and muttered, "Close light too. Sleep now. You mao mahk. Make you baba bobo." Shit. Fucking Lenny! I'm gonna kill that fucker someday. I'd never had a conscience before.

     From up above the ceiling tile I heard a garbled, "Fuck You."

   I didn't even see the tiny purple top hat that floated down onto the bed as I shut off the light, laid back on it, and went to sleep. It was stuck to my face in the morning, and I brushed it away thinking it was an eyelash or something. But Jiminy's wise words have stuck in my head. Well, he's right, right?

Just nod your head.

 

Cent

[phoenix]

Thank you Cent.

You've done it again, manage to mix a serious subject with your wicked sense of humour, and garnish it with a little local colour.

BabaBobo indeed!

May you live long and happily with that remarkable wife of yours, and continue for many years to entertain us with your views of life in Issaan!

On my June visit to LOS, Nok and I went for three days to her family, about half an hour North-West (I think) of Nakhom Phanom. When we got there, it was almost as if I was in the middle of one of your stories, it felt as if I knew the place, had been there before. Same food, same big vessel of fermented fish, same red dust. I drove the family ute (Pick-up truck) around (I suppose I paid for part of it) with some Molam blaring on full bore, and a handfull of rellies in the back, and occasionally had a sense of deja-vu.

Thanks again

Phoenix (formerly Sputter)

[Guest]

That was a nice report Cent

Good luck to you

I see the makings of a nice novel with Thailand in the background. Am sure it would keep you occupied while in Isaan.A mixture of Thai culture, sex, violence and Buddhism would be a runaway bestseller.Throw in a bit of a local Osama(or import one from a neighbouring country) and you have the best ingredients

 

[phoenix]

Cent:>.......village life and pick-up driving. It is a blast isn't it? Just so different to experience outside of the big city life.<

Yes, a blast it is. The first few days I was quite keen on buying a pick-up for myself straightaway. I've now decided to wait a bit- I am going to be in BKK for another month or so, don't need one there, and I'm first going to see whether this relation with Nok pans out in the longer run. Besides, I want some kind of longer visa first, maybe a 3 month renewable retirement visa, so I can put a car in MY name!

I think I may appreciate village life even more as I learn the language more. I already pick up more than I expected by recognising a few words, and noticing both intonation and bodylanguage. But I'm a long way off having conversations. Also, I wouldn't mind installing a hotwater heater in the house, even if it is not my house. makes life in cold times in NP a bit more bearable. 53yr old mildly arthritic joints thrive on hot showers, and so does "Nok".

Your stop sign story reminds me of first time ever I drove in the USA, about 5 yrs ago, From L.A. Airport towards Arizona. Came of a freeway in the desert at some Godforsaken littletown at dusk, T-intersection stopsign. Not a car in sight anywhere, I rolled through the stopsign at 5 mph. Got pulled up immediately by a cop car with blaring siren and flashing light, out of the blue.

Made the mistake of trying to get out of the car (polite in my country), but was restrained by these automatic seatbetlts that don't release you unless you switch off the engine (Unknown to me) So I was caught in the seatbelt with loud ringing alarm bells, and saw the cop approaching opening his holster with a huge gun inside (in my country, cops don't carry guns). Nearly shat myself. Got off with a stern warning, after I played the contrite ignorant tourist bit. No, give me LOS anyday.

>Her reply, said with a big grin, "Think never see falang drive before." I think she was right! Sometimes you feel like the circus act performing bear up there! :-) <

Yes, I noticed being looked at like a circus act sometimes. The car has a slogun in Thai script right across the top (Middle, really, more about that later), some kind of 'Good Luck' message, which makes the car easily identified as belonging to this specific family. As we drove through various local villages, we occasionnally got waved at, stopped, and Nok had a yarn with some local that recognised the car. But ususally her sister Pet drives it. Nok assured me that by the next day, the whole district would know about 'Pet's car being driven by a falang accompanied by Pet's sister. I believe her.

Phoenix

[Central Scrutinizer]

Phoenix,

Sorry for the belated reply. Just noticed this. Thanks for your well wishes. She is a great woman. I seem to have lucked out. I'm glad you got to experience the village life, and pick-up driving. It is a blast isn't it? Just so different to experience outside of the big city life. Seems you are seeing and doing some of the same things as I am. This past trip a whole truck load of Thai guys in Surin noticed me driving at a stop sign. I stopped and waved them on. The driver was amazed, and started laughing and shouting to his fellow Thai passengers about the falang driving. They all started cheering and giving me thumbs up. I gave them a big smile and a thumbs up back as they drove by all laughing and cheering the farang driver. I looked at the wife after and said laughing, "What the hell was that all about?" Her reply, said with a big grin, "Think never see falang drive before." I think she was right! Sometimes you feel like the circus act performing bear up there! :-) I love it. Beats the hell out of the people back home all glaring at you, cutting you off, and throwing ya the finger if you didn't get out of their way fast enough. 55555!

Thanks Phoenix,

Cent

[Guest]

Cent,

That was one awesome story....Truelly a pleasure to read!

Thanks and keep em coming.

Sanukboot.

[Central Scrutinizer]

comin' up too.