Lost in LOS: How Not to "Fix" Your Visa

[zanemay]

Mai phen rai!

(It doesn't matter. Not too important. Forget about it.)

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Mai phen rai! Mai phen rai! Mai phen rai!

This is an idea, a philosophy if you will, that one must fix firmly in one's mind when embarking on bus travel in Thailand. You are going to need it.

With the time to "fix my visa" approaching, I chatted up a knowledgeable expat in Pattaya about making "the run." He gave me the name of a German agency that takes you in a minivan for 2,090 baht. They go through Chonburi to Aranyapratet by way of Sateo. Of course Mr. Fight-for-your-baht is having nothing to do with that an expense like that - if they can do it I can do it too. I took a bus from Bangkok to Trat once and don't remember it taking too long. So with the briefest cursory glance at a map, I left one morning at 10:00 AM humming a happy little song. I expected to be back for dinner and then look up a young lady I knew. I also had a dental appointment the next morning. I hyed myself up to Pattaya's Sukhumwit and sat down at a bus stop.

After waiting for 20 minutes I began wondering...I mean I thought buses came along here constantly. But then, blooey!, the bus came. Not one bus, but two. I mean the same buses on the same route. Oh yeah, that old routine happens everywhere sometimes. Except in Switzerland, of course.

A nice young lady had smiled at me at the bus stop and I sat next to her. She was a native Chonburian on her way to visit mama-papa and I told her where I was going. She gave me a blank look, "Eeeglish leetle beet," she smiled. Maybe I'm not saying it right, "Aranyapratet? Sateo?" She called the ticket guy over. He was as blank as she was. Why wasn't I expecting this? It always happens. Someone tells me to go to Point A and then to Point B. But when I get to Point A, no one has ever heard of Point B. I had certainly planned to take this bus to the vicinity of the connecting bus, but now I was stuck. My friend told the driver to stop. "You go police," she said pointing from the direction we had come. Jesus! Now I have to have to have the boys in brown in the act? Mai phen rai!

Ah well, I didn't see the police station, but I did come to a little bus station. That's where I want to be anyway! I went to the office, "What bus for Aranyapratet?" Incredibly I got the blank look again. "Uh ran ya pra tet." I said slowly. "Sateo." She summoned a fellow apparently as provincial as herself, for he didn't know these towns either. What do you people study in school!? She made "the gesture" I get all the time since it assumed I don't speakee Thai, a back-of-the-hand pointing, go-there or go-that way or go with, gesture. The fellow motioned me to follow him. Off we went around the corner and into...uh-huh!...a police office! Here the first grunt referred me to the second grunt who referred me to the officer in charge. (All three desks were within 10 feet of each other, but procedure and protocol are important!) "Aranyapratet?" I said to the bag man like he didn't hear me say it to the other two guys. And Amazing Thailand! this guy knew what I was talking about. He gave it a bit of thought, wrote something on a piece of paper, said something to one of the grunts, made "the gesture" and I followed the fellow out the door. He took me out to the street and sat down at a roadside table. In a few minutes an empty bus came along and he made "the gesture." I got on. He spoke to the driver, everyone knodded and said, "kap" a few times except me because I didn't know what the hell was going on. In a few minutes me, the driver and the empty bus were on our way to somewhere. He was deadheading to a certain bus stop where a few more "kaps" were exchanged, "the gesture" was made and I got on another bus. Well this seemed okay, but the clock was ticking and I'd wasted a lot of time. Mai phen rai!

So we are off! The bus driver is not the typical psycho-deathwish speed demon and we are cruising comfortably. I pay 19 baht (40 cents!) to the smiling ticket lady. And those German guys wanted 2,000! Ha! Are we there yet??

Nope, not yet. The bus turns off the main road onto small road along a canal lined with shacks. Where the hell are we? And where the hell are we going? Well there is no way I could know since I didn't think it was worth it to bring my map for this little jaunt. I also have a compass which I left behind, so I have no idea which way we're headed. But everyone seems content as we bounce along the little road. The only problem is we're doing about 40 km/hr and I have plans. Oh well, mai phen rai.

Pretty we are motoring along a highway again and this is looking like a breeze. In another half hour we pull into a station. The ticket lady who has read the secret messages written for me by the policeman makes "the gesture," I follow her, she makes it again and I get on another bus. I look out at the station and all the signs are in Thai. Very interesting! A fellow who doesn't know where he's been or where he is gets on a bus to God-knows-where. But this isn't my first time and this isn't the first country! People always take good care of me as I wander about in their countries. Mai phen rai!

All seems well enough except that after 15 minutes the bus is still sitting. There is a good load of passengers and no one has gotten on for quite awhile. Finally the driver gets in and starts the engine. After another five minutes he gives it a little rev and puts it into reverse. The bus seems to almost move. Then he gives it a little rev and put it back in neutral! In a couple of minutes he gives it a rev and puts it in gear. He inches out. He stops. The bus next to us pulls out smoothly like a normal bus and leaves. We pull back into the birth! A few people get on. In a minute we inch our way out and By God! we are leaving.

Now here is a very strange thing about Thai buses and passengers. We make it about half way out of the station and we stop. Like we are at a regular bus stop but it 100 feet from the last bus stop. We sit for a couple of minutes and more passengers get on. From the time he first put it in gear until we leave the station at least 15 more minutes more have passed. Then we leave the station and not 100 meters down the road he stops for passengers who couldn't be bothered to walk another 300 feet. Well why should they? If someone is eating at a roadside stand they don't need to rush to the station. When the bus comes along it will pick them up. The bus stops for every Nit, Noi and Nat, Ching, Chang and Chong along the road. When we finally get out of the small mystery town a half hour later the bus which was half-full when we pulled out of our birth is full. Unhappily I have lost the seat I had to myself and I am sharing with a mother with a 2 year old on her lap. I am frayed around the edges from the start-stop-start-stop. Must remember: Mai phen rai.

We are rolling along and the ticket lady asks me where I'm going. "Aranyapratet." 95 baht. Woops! 95 baht! I just paid 19 baht for an hour's ride. This is looking grim. We ain't there yet and we aren't going to be there yet soon. Now it was after 1:00 and I had expected to have my visa by now. I was still hours away. But I had done one helpful thing before leaving. I had a sort of Plan B to cover the worst case possibility that I always worry about. What if, once I am out of LOS, the Thai guy with the stamp pad is in a bad mood and won't hammer my passport? To cover this unheard of eventuality I had brought a lot of cash, travelers checks and credit cards. I brought clean underwear and some toiletries. I could relax knowing that I was equipped to spend the night wherever necessary and carry on in the morning if I had to. But I hadn't given up on the border for today. That would come later.

After an hour and a half we pull into another bus station for a potty break. This stretches to 20 minutes and I really want to get going. Praise the Lord! the bus driver pulls out. Halfway out of the station he stops (of course) and we get Variation on a Theme II - the luggage/odd-job guy hops off and goes into an open-air restaurant. He buys cigarettes and flirts with the vendor girl for five minutes. Laughing, he comes back to the roadside across from the bus and lights one up. All the passengers in the bus are looking at him. Only one is losing his mind. "Mai phen rai, mai phen rai, mai phen rai." This is not a mantra, this is a chant of withering desperation. Finish that cigarette you arrogant bastard and get on the bus! No problem for him, or the driver who is eyeing the vendor lady and making wisecracks, or for the ticket lady who is just taking it easy. Every thing goes by hierarchy here and the passengers are at the bottom of this one. Because it is Thailand, the little people keep quiet.

Finally he finishes his cigarette and we pull out. I have had enough experience here that the next thing doesn't surprise me at all. We go another three or four hundred yards and pull into a gas (petrol, Brits) station and fill up. Another 10 minutes gone while we take on 140 liters of diesel. We have been in this fucking town 40 minutes! Mai phen rai, mai phen rai!! Mai phen fucking rai!!! I don't think I'm "Mai phen raying" in the spirit intended anymore!

Finally we hit the road. It is after 3:00 PM and even though I don't know where I am, I know buses don't take extended breaks toward the end of long hauls. I have been on one bus or another for five hours and am facing one or two more. Even if the border offices were open to process visas, I would be in no shape for more bus rides today. I have a toothbrush, razor, extra shirt and underwear. No long pants. Plenty of books. Mai phen rai!

So around 6:00 PM when I thought I would getting back to Pattaya, we arrive in Aranyapratet. I stumble off the bus and say "Rongram" (hotel) to someone who makes "the gesture." I walk across a parking lot and through the doors of a large building. I've come through the service entrance and from this perspective this looks like a place I might stay. But I come to a door that opens into an elegant lobby. Uh-oh! I go to the desk knowing that Mr. Fight-for-your-baht is wasting his time? "Tao-rai, kap?" I am shone a list on which the smallest number is 1,200. "Phang, kap!" (Expensive)

I go outside and approach a group of tuk-tuk drivers. "Rong-ram, kap. Mai pang." "40 baht," says a driver. This sounds like a lot for a tuk-tuk ride, but sometimes even Mr. Fight-for-your-baht is too tired to battle over 10 or 20 baht. The most I can manage is an abused look as I get in. Mai phen rai.

We zip across town and pull up in front of the Arun Garden Hotel. You could spend your entire life looking for the garden and never find it! I go through garage doors and find the reception desk which is in the lobby/garage. Ah! This looks more like my kind of place. The reception zombie looks up without raising her head and says, "150 baht." "Look loom, kap." She turns back to the TV and hands me the key to 406. She doesn't make "The Gesture." Climbing the steps I wonder how come I am passing all these floors with looms same, same as fourth floor? Oh, well, who knows. Mai phen rai. 406 is a concrete cell just a cut above Mississippi death row. It is very clean, the bed looks good and the bathroom has running water. Perfect! I go down pay my 150 baht, climb back up and get in the "shower" - a pipe that squirts a stream of water from above. It dawns on me that I have not seen any towels. Oh well, mai phen rai. I use the micro-blanket from the bed which must be the choice for most people, and stand under the fan.

I lay down to sleep for an hour or so before going out to look for some "action" - whether it be hot babes or a bowl of noodles. Most likely the ladder.

A couple of hours later I am finishing up a bowl of noodles. "Arroy!" (tastes good) I maintain an upbeat attitude. I wander around and find an internet shop. Let the fun begin! I sit at the closest station to the door which is great until the owner decides to block it open. A hoard of mosquitos attack my legs. I shut the door. The owner notices that it's closed after a bit and comes and opens it. "Yung, mak mak!!" (mosquitos, many many) He brings a big fan out of the back room points in under my desk. The mosquitos and a pile of papers blow away. "Kapkun kap!" (Thanks)

I spend longer than usual online answering Nana reactions to a recent post of mine. Some good and some politely suggesting that a certain arsehole could use some attitude adjustment. Mai phen rai.

I finish up and go outside where a group of kids are hanging out. An old drunk materializes and latches onto me. I have been reading "Inside Thai Society" on the bus all day and now know everything about Thai people, even the drunks. I smile and talk to him like he's just another guy. "Oh good, good. Thank you. No thank you. Good-bye. Good-bye. Let go please. No thank you. Good-bye." He's smiling, I'm smiling, the kids are smiling. All according to the book.

The kids decide to recuse me. One pulls hops on his motor bike and pulls up next to me. Another one says, "Where you go? My friend take you." Of course they thought pops was going back to the hotel, but I say, "I'd really like to go to the disco." "Deez-ko!" one girl howls and starts dancing. They think it is funny as hell. People my age don't go to discos here and no one goes to discos in shorts. But the rules hardly apply to farangs - they might do anything. My driver makes a u-turn and we head back towards the big hotel by the bus station. Across the parking lot is a huge, fancy discotheque. The Klimax Klub. Why not? Shorts? Too old? Mai phen rai.

I enter and am waied and "Sawadee ka"ed (hello - welcome). I can tell about these places fast and get out if it is empty, or the band sucks or whatever. Just through the door I know I am staying. The band is really good. The disco is new and huge. The sound system is top of the line and the base notes vibrate my insides. I have earplugs firmly in place and have no problem with the volume.

I am escorted to the bar where the only other loner in the place is seated. Everything is on here. This is a big-time investment for a small town. It is managed appropriately and doing well. The help is efficient but not pushy, the ambiance is great, the kids are all happy, everybody ignores me and goes on with their parties. The tables are cluttered with bottles of Mekong Whiskey and wow, these Thai kids really like to drink. I don't know where they got the band, but they are the best! They play everything clean. The instruments are in tune! The singers can sing! The dancers can dance! (Yes that's what I said! The dancers can actually dance. Rhythmically moving their bodies in a ways coordinated with the music. Yes that's what I said, "coordinated"!) They are pretty! The place is rocking and people are dancing around their tables.

Except for the grossest gargoyle lady boy who is drunk and god-knows-what-else off his ass and dancing like a wild caricature. But like I say, I've been reading: The people he tries to get to dance with him decline with smiles and talk to him gently. He dances, they smile and nod. "The Thai reaction to this...is to be extremely circumspect, tolerant and outwardly friendly. People try to endlessly soothe and appease...the next day everyone seems to have forgotten and he is obviously not held responsible for his behavior." (Niels Mulder, "Inside Thai Society," p. 51.) Anyway, at about 1:30 I pack it in, go back to the hotel and ask for towels. The girl looks around blankly, "Mai mee." (Don't have.) Mai phen rai.

I sleep well enough, get up and go out for coffee. This is no small feat in a provincial town. I look confused of course and am therefore catnip for the tuk-tuk drivers. I get a wave and a smile from across the street and do a double take - is that a lady? It is a lady tuk-tuk driver, with a winning smile! Chubby to fat, but really pleasant. She wants 30 baht to take me for coffee or 50 baht to go to the border. "How much coffee and border?" "80" "60" "70" Okay!

It's back to the bus station/big hotel/disco area. Everything seems to be here. She takes me to a small restaurant that says, "American Chicken." (I don't know what that is but, mai phen rai.) I take in Lady Tuk-Tuk and she orders a coke. The coffee is brewed (!) and very good. It is not a breakfast place, but the owner, who speaks great English, says she will make me two eggs and "toasts" for 30 baht. I eat heartily and have another cup of coffee. Lady Tuk-Tuk has run through a range of questions about "Do I have Madame? Children? Etc." She also asked me if I drink beer and I told her "Tuk wan" (Every day.) She became quite animated, talking quickly and pointed at me and herself and put her forefingers together. We were supposed to sleep together because I liked beer? I was confused. Oh, she wanted to go with me to drink beer! No wonder she's chubby! It's 8:30 AM, we are supposed to be on a mission and she is the designated driver. After I laugh and say "I'm not buying you beer" she starts to fidget and look at her watch. Understandable. When the bill came it was 70 baht for everything!

We motor to the border with Lady Tuk-Tuk driving carefully and maintaining a serious visage that I see in the rear view. She is a very good driver. We pulled up at the parking area on the Thai side and she agreed to wait for me.

I have been to Cambodia before, but had crossed at the calm, little Trat/Ko Kong link. I had seen touts, beggars and poor Cambodians, but nothing prepared me for this scene. These Cambodians look wrecked! Can this be this close to the town where I went to the disco and just had a nice breakfast. I had seen the dilapidated people carts before - the carts with small car tires that are pulled by people. Here there is an endless, single-file stream of them pouring out of Cambodia. One person pulling one cart. Hundreds of them. Where are they going?

Before I got out of the tuk-tuk the touts descended on me waiving visa forms. "I make paper for you." "I work here every day, I guide you." Little kids pawed me and shoved beggar cups in my face. I made my way past every kind of wretch. A young fellow who had a goat face - there was an albino mound where is nose should have been and it pushed his eyes to either side. There were land mine guys displaying leg stumps. Nursing mothers sitting on the ground. Dirty guys. Kids whining, "One baht papa."

I was carrying $600 US, 6,000 baht, travelers checks and credit cards in my pockets and backpack. I focused on protecting them. The chaos created by this onslaught is enough to cause the need for a guide. I say "No!" really well and was determined not get ripped here. Still I could not shake the first guy that had claimed me. He comes with me to the Thai Exit Station. I tell him I don't need help. He crosses the border with me and comes to the first checkpoint, a little wooden building the size of a pre-fab storage shed. There is a fellow outside who speaks English and takes my passport. He speaks good English but is not in uniform and I ask him if he works here. He says, "Yes." and since we are two feet from the uniformed guy inside I hand him my passport and 1,100 baht. He hands this to the guy inside who looks things over, stamps something and hands my passport back to the first guy. He hands my passport to a second guy outside, also without a uniform, who quickly fills in a form. Before he hands me my passport or the form the first guy says, "You give tip? He make form for you." They got me! Neither one of these guys work for Cambodia, but they were convincing enough that I had let them handle my passport and money and the official personnel go right along with it. These guys are a help to them. I said, "Shit!" to myself and handed over 20 baht for nothing.

One of them makes "the gesture" and I head for another office. It is impossible to tell what the function of these stations are. I hand my passport and form to another agent. He gives it back and asks me how long I will be in Cambodia. I said, "I am going back to Thailand now." He says, "You leave today, pay 100 baht. The Cambodian border sucks money out of you. The exit guy is five feet away behind the same counter. He takes my passport and says, "100 baht. You pay already?" and hands me back my passport. I take it and ask, "Finished?" One of the guys nods. I had not paid the 100 baht and I take it this was just a weak attempt at extortion. Pathetic little civil servants.

I find a break in the stream of human pull carts flowing toward Thailand and make my way to the entry office on the Thai side. The young lady takes my form and passport and hands the passport back. "You go back to Cambodia and get stamp." Jesus! Was this about the 100 baht? They were going to get me yet! From the routine way she kept my passport and made "the gesture" I knew this happens all the time. The Cambodia guys and their assistants don't make the process easy.

I work my back past the goat boy, the land mine guys, and the begging mothers. Back to the second office. "I need stamp." "The gesture." I go to two guys writing in a big ledger book. No one says anything about the 100, but they write in the book and stamp my passport. Back through the pull carts to the lady with my form and in a few minutes I am back with Lady Tuk-Tuk. I was never so glad to see a fat chick in my life! As best I could tell I still had all my stuff. "Let's go!" I said. She took me to my hotel and waited while I got my things together. We zipped me across to the bus station. Hopefully, I pulled out 150 baht, but she held up two fingers. Okay, that was reasonable for all the stops and time she had spent. I handed it over and pinched her cheek. "You happy now?" I said. She probably didn't understand and was just laughing out of embarrassment out of having a customer touch her in public. Buddha only knows what Thai manners I might have mauled.

Six hours later I am back at my condo in Pattaya, my half day trip stretched to two. Bus fares were 310 baht and my room was 150. I saved 1,630 baht ($37) doing it myself and I got a break from Bangkok and Pattaya. I spent too much time on the buses, but I was never too uncomfortable. All in all I am not sure I will do it again like this. I imagine there is a downside to going in a minivan, but maybe I will give it a try next time.

[ October 09, 2001: Message edited by: Zane May ]

[Guest]

Great Story, I think the Travel agent you are refuring to is the one on Soi 13. I have forgotten the name. I went by there a couple of days ago the check out the visa run info as I have one comming up shortly. I have thought of a cheaper way to go also but after reading your report I will use this service at least this time. You didn't safe as much money as you thought as the 2099 baht also included the 1000 baht Cambodia visa as well as breakfast and softdrinks along the way. Or so I'm told. But I'm sure the adventure was worth the cost.

[Guest]

Zane May -- Great story. I have been to Aranyapratet myself, to meet a friend, a couple of years ago. FYI, the trip can be made by train from Bangkok in a few hours, about five, I think. That number sticks in my mind although I don't remember the trip to be that loathsome. No A/C but, since Bangkok is the point of departure, you are almost guaranteed a seat. There were lots of passengers standing after the first couple of stops. Nothing at all to see out the windows that was of any interest at all.

I did stay at a nice hotel called the Arun something and it did have a swimming pool, clean room, A/C, hot water and towels, and was about 600 per night, if I remember correctly.

Near the boarder there is/was (?) a huge wholesale flea market wher you could by all sorts of Cambodian manufactured products that, I guess, were meant to be sold throughout Thailand. One thing that stuck me were a couple of garage type shop houses that were filled to the gills with old fashioned wooden wall clocks. I later was told that during the reign of the Khamer Rouge clocks were outlawed, or something like that.

[Fatbastard]

Zane May, Great story !! These little adventures are what makes Thailand the place I love to live, almost every day there is a little (or Big) surprise! nothing goes as smoothly as it should.

[sky brow]

Started reading and couldn,t stop.good story.It never seases to amaze me that interesting things just keep happening ,no matter where you are or what you are doing in the LOS.

[Guest]

Good story Zane! Thanks

[Guest]

Interesting experience.

Nearly the same as making a trip to immigration in Bangkok from inside Bangkok lol.