Finally, a breath of fresh air for smokers

[SoiledCowboy]

A reason to board the aircraft early, take-off delays etc would be much more acceptable and in-flight turbulance not a drama with that packet, or duty-free carton of Marlboro red ciggies on hand! Behold the sight at Don Muang on arrival when the aircraft doors are opened and huge plumes of smoke escape from the cabin...

 

A new airline for smokers only is scheduled to make its first flights in March 2007. Smintair (Smokers' International Airways) has been founded by a German businessman, Alexander W. Schoppmann, in the hope of attracting the Asian business market as well as pro-smoking Europeans. Smintair plans to fly jumbo jets with 30 first-class and 108 business-class seats equipped with televisions, DVDs, gourmet food and "charming and beautiful" flight attendants. And ashtrays, of course.

 

Smintair may be just the answer to those poor, grey-faced folk you see rushing out of airport terminals, drawing the packets from their pockets, lighting up and taking a long draw of their first gasper for hours. I always feel sorry for smokers (never having acquired the habit, I don't know what it's like to smoke in order to give it up and start again) but somehow that sorrow vanishes the moment I smell burning tobacco.

 

On aircraft, it used to be a nightmare. It was easy to define the smoking and non-smoking sections but no one bothered to tell the smoke which, in its ethereal, undisciplined way, would waft throughout the aircraft and get up people's noses, figuratively and literally. These days, there's no smoke but plenty of ire in the form of severe warnings that if one should even consider lighting up in the loo, the penalties include turning the aircraft around, the immediate fitting of an orange jumpsuit and a parachute drop on Guantanamo Bay.

 

On Smintair, the penalties for not smoking can only be imagined. Consider this letter from Alexander W. Schoppmann, addressed to "Ladies and Gentlemen, dear Guests" and published on the airline's website (smintair.com). Herr Schoppmann laments the decline of standards since the introduction of three-class international travel: "The descent of service accelerated dramatically," he writes, with interesting use of metaphor. "With this separation, the airlines created the room necessary to imply those changes and stop all kinds of services. Even my dearly loved Cocktail Frankfurters, not to mention the cigars, went literally through the window."

 

First off, though, Doktor Schoppmann takes the opportunity "to clear one of the biggest lies floating around everywhere in the World: 'Second Hand Smoke (SHS, aka ETS, Environmental Tobacco Smoke) damages your health'. The WHO (World Health Organisation) confirms in all of it's (sic) studies concerning the subject, that ETS has not even a statistically relevant effect on the non-smoker's health." Now Hauptmann Schoppmann becomes serious. "... By the way, did you know that the Nazis also sported a huge Anti-Smoking campaign? Yes, they did and the one we experience now carries exactly the same insignia."

 

Pausing to reflect that only if Adolf Hitler had smoked, the war could have been avoided, I checked out more on the Smintair site: "Allowing our guests to smoke is one of the freedoms we are happily prepared to grant. Non-smokers will find the cabin air more refreshing than on any other flight with any other airline, as Smintair adds fresh outside air to the conditioning system! This is more expensive, as it burns more fuel but it is seen as an additional service to our guests."

 

Another service, so far unconfirmed, is for non-smoking passengers, who will have two exclusive seating areas filled with fresh air: either wing.

 

I can see the Smintair idea expanding to cater for other long-haul masochists. In fact, I've just gone into the aviation business with a plan to make Qantas quake. Welcome to Shmithair, the world's only uncomfortable smoking airline, which permits cigarettes, cigars and pipes at all times, especially during refuelling stops, when you are welcome to puff away to your heart's content near the petrol truck. You'll need to stand because our seats have a maximum pitch of 15 inches, being suitable only for children and passengers named Happy, Sneezy and Doc. Shmithair will have three classes - Economy, Economy-minus and Cargo - and our staff of two will serve an international menu featuring under-ripe fruit, cremated chicken, flat sparkling wine and warm mineral water. Heavy metal will constantly be piped to all passengers, free of charge. No luggage will be allowed. A small charge ($40) will apply to the toilet.

:relieved:

 

From the Sydney Morning Herald 07.07.06

[Torneyboy]

The food and drink sounds great!!

[zob65]

 

Just as bad as smoking,and its not banned, is when you sit next to Bob Moonbeam who has just returned from Chang Mai where he went to find himself. Bob usually knocks everyones head off with his backpack and you can smell him from 5 ft away. Proceeds to stick his feet (which look worse than Ghandi's), up on the seat infront while you eat dinner, as he is waiting for the Vegan meal to arrive!

[Flashermac]

How about the family with children who have never flown before -- and inevitably get airsick and barf all over everything.

[preahko]

how about the folks who can physically not sit in their economy class seat without parts of them overflowing onto yours? they should be required to a) fly first class or buy two economy seats (option b would probably be cheaper for them!)

 

preahko

[cagedsoidog]

"how about the folks who can physically not sit in their economy class seat without parts of them overflowing onto yours? they should be required to a) fly first class or buy two economy seats (option b would probably be cheaper for them!)"

 

preahko

 

 

Don't get too personal. I paid for that seat and all the air space around it.

[mattwasp]

"how about the folks who can physically not sit in their economy class seat without parts of them overflowing onto yours? they should be required to a) fly first class or buy two economy seats (option b would probably be cheaper for them!)"

 

I hate this. Nothing worse than forced bodily contact with a fat slob. They always act hard done by too, like the seat is too small. Hehehe.. its not Thai Airways' fault you look like a sack full of yoghurt now is it mate?

 

The other one that gets me is the guy who needs a trolley to push his hand luggage around the terminal, and takes up a whole overhead locker to himself. .. oh, and Mr 'stand in the isle getting his stuff sorted so that a queue forms behind him'. ...and his cousin, Mr 'walk back up the isle to ask for a larger window or something while people are getting on'

 

Then there's the 'I don't think the immigration card applies to me' family, who always seem to be in front of me in the damn line.

 

Come the revolution, brothers.

[Julian2]

One thing about us fat guys with overflowing frequent flyer cards we nearly always get a seat by our selves. I've no shame about packing the over head locker either, first up best dressed.

[mattwasp]

But then you do get out of puff climbing a flight of stairs, which is very funny to watch!

The universe maintains equilibrium.

[zob65]

What about the wankers that push and shove there way to get at the front of the line at the boarding lounge. The A/C is not going to leave without you, you have a seat number! I just dont get it.

 

Then there are the food trolly blockers, have to go to toilet when the food or drink trolly comes! Its usually just before I get my G & T !