cavanami

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS? A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of grin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper an begin reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?' The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.' The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be .....,' Then returned to his paper. The priest, thin king about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. Didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?' The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.' MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

That is soooooooo sick...but the sick part is that it may have well happened!

...that is a bad day for Dad!

Ohhh...the end of a good evening! errrr, can I get the hand job and blow job back?

Best scam around...right in front of the cop shop!

They never taught me that 5 min course at the uni They should have!

Ohhhh, burst my bubble...sounded good!

Oldie but goodie... Major General Peter Cosgrove is an 'Australian treasure!' General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base? GENERAL COSGROVE: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it? GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children? GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers. GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? The radio went silent and the interview ended.

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbuck's cafe one day discussing had the superior culture.Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, 'Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows. The Irishman then replies, 'Well... it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices. 'The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics. 'The Irishman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Irish were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars. 'And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, 'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex! 'The Irishman replies, 'Indeed, that is true, but it was we Irish who introduced it to women.'

From Bob Hope, RIP... ON TURNING 70 'You still chase women, but only downhill'. ON TURNING 80 'That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.' ON TURNING 90 'You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.' ON TURNING 100 ' I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.' ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING 'I ruined my hands in the ring ... the referee kept stepping on them..' ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR 'Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'.' ON GOLF 'Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.' ON PRESIDENTS ' I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.' ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER ' When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations You have an eight-pound ham'.' ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL 'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.' ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY 'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.' ON HIS SIX BROTHERS 'That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.' ON HIS EARLY FAILURES 'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.' ON GOING TO HEAVEN 'I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.'

My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, ' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR' My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.' We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR' My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! ..........You could learn a lot from him.' We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR' My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.' I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.' My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

Just read the Stickman weekly blurb and it seems that the scammers have stepped it up a large notch! They chased this guy into the shopping mall, police were called, but the police did NOTHING! The scammers roamed around and found this guys picture and he barely escaped in a taxi!!! The shopping mall had videos of the attack, but the police were not interested.

WORLD WAR III IS COMING President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?" The bartender says, "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?" Bush says, "We're planning WW III." The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?" Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits. The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?" Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims".

...my birth place The Isle of Man also referred to as 70,000 alcoholics clinging to a rock... I'll drink to that

The husband had been sitting and staring at their marriage license for over one hour. The wife finally asked him, "what are you doing just sitting there staring at our marriage license"? The husband replied, "looking for the expiration date". :grin:

It takes 3 months to show up on the test? Not sure, but I think I was told this at one time. Just my foggy memory.

I had the same form "issued" at Khao San Road :grin:

Common...depends. if you can take the "regular" HIV medicines, they will usually be covered. If the doctor wants to put you on an experimental medicine, usually not covered. which may mean a death sentence for you unless you have the cash to get the medicine(s). Also, if you happen to get on with a new insurance, they usually will not cover previous illness, so if you already had HIV, they most likely would not cover you...real nice...NOT

When I was on certain ships that were sailing to certain areas...we had to get a series of shots for small pox, anthrax, etc. Before we could get the shots we had to pass an HIV test as the shots could not be given if you were HIV positive (and you would be removed from the ship). A little nervous, but came out OK. Makes you think and take notice!

Cruel. Where's the Anticruelty Society... Great! Keep 'em coming!!! :grin:

Bad news, but for sure, not the end! The doctors continue to make HUGE gains in the control and cure of HIV. Also, stem cells may help. There are (is) companies in New Zealand that sell stem cells. I'm not anywhere near an expert on these things but PM me and I can put you in contact with a man that was *** cured *** of diabetes using stem cells and the magnetic pulse" machine. The docs gave him three months to live, that was three years ago!!! Never give up! Positive thinking, good eating and living habits!!!