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teddy

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Everything posted by teddy

  1. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    There are some horrible bastards about. I heard a cat crying outside, so I opened my door and saw 4 blokes in Man United shirts playing football with it. I was just about to call the RSPCA until the cat went 1-0 up.
  2. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    A blonde woman goes to the hospital. "What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor. "Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina." The Doctor had a look, laughed, and responded, "Those aren't postage stamps darling, they're the stickers you get on bananas!"
  3. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
  4. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    Fat wife limps into the kitchen and says "didn't you hear me fall down the stairs?" Husband says "sorry love I thought it was the start of Eastenders".
  5. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    My doctor just told me I need help because I'm a compulsive liar . . . And then she locked the surgery door and sucked me off
  6. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    Paddy says to Murphy 'have you seen the news? 3 Cliff Walkers have fallen to their deaths'!! 'Unbelievable' said Murphy, 'can't believe they all had the same name'!
  7. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said: "So why are you here ?" The yellow Lab replied: "I'm a pee'er. I pee on everything.....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I peed in the middle of my owner's bed." The black Lab said: "So what’s the vet going to do?" "Gonna cut my nuts off" came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down." The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab and asked: "Why are you here?" The black Lab said: "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the yellow Lab inquired. "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected black Lab said. The black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked: "Why are you here?" "I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. I just can't help it." Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and... I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away..." The black and the yellow Labs exchanged glances and said together: "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?" The Great Dane said: " No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"
  8. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    Wow, that Hamok is a funny guy
  9. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    'I have an erection.' Said Sean Connery when I asked him what kind of phone he had.
  10. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    Does Sean Connery like herbs? Only partially.
  11. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    Barman says to Paddy "Your glass is empty do you want another one?" Paddy says "Why the fuck would l want two empty glasses?"
  12. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    My mate told me the other day that my grammar was shit. I had the last laugh though, and told him that his grandad was a cunt.
  13. Watched Kill the Irishman yesterday, brilliant beginning, very good end but the middle bit seemed to be missing?
  14. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    Husband - "fancy playing rape tonight" Wife - "no" Husband - "thats the spirit"
  15. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    What does a scottish epilectic have for christmas? A wii fit
  16. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    A woman asks her doctor "How many calories are in cum?" The doctor replies "If you swallow, no bloke will care that your fat!" ----------------------------------- A lesbian went to weight watchers and the organiser said, 'Remember you are what you eat', the lesbian replied, 'You calling me a cunt?' ------------------------------------ I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
  17. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    A man gets up one morning to find his wife in the kitchen cooking. He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in frying pan. 'What are you doing?' he asks. 'I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk,' she replied. Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, 'I don't remember asking her to cook my sock......'
  18. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    In the ongoing investigation, police think they have discovered what triggered the heart attack, they believe he may have fallen over a childs pram. But they say it is too early to blame it on the buggie
  19. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    Rolf Harris has done the artwork for Michael Jackson's latest tour. As a thank you Jacko has promised to do two little boys at the end of each gig...
  20. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success. Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said 'If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first?' The Englishman piped up. 'B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham', he said. 'That's no use, Trevor' said the speech therapist, 'whose next?' The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out 'P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley'. 'That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish. How about you, Paddy ?' The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out ' London '. 'Brilliant, Paddy' said the speech therapist and immediately set about honouring her promise. After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said .................... '-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry'
  21. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    No it didn't really help at all. It just reminded me where it was :content:
  22. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    FFFFfffffffixed it. There was a little piece of biscuit wedged underneath stopping it from working. What a drama
  23. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    And by the way, my ucking computer is bust. The letter between e an g doesn't work anymore, ah uck it It's ucking true
  24. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    Honestly, ater I posted that I thought exactly the same thing but couldn't be arsed changing it thinking that nobody would spot it. I then went out or a cup o tea in the garden and it occured to me that you would deinitely pick up on it and hey presto.
  25. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    A friend of mine in the parachute regiment has been stationed in Switzerland for the last 2 years. He has recently married a local girl who can wash up with 1 hand, cook with the other, dust with a foot while sucking his cock as she opens a beer with her arse. She's a swiss army wife
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