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teddy

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Everything posted by teddy

  1. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    Into a Belfast pub comes old Paddy Murphy, looking like he's just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's limping. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Connor and I had a fight," says Paddy. "That little guy?" says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must of had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "A shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he did give me with it!" "Well," says Sean, "You should've defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?" "That I did," says Paddy "Mrs O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight!"
  2. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    Billy-Bob and Luther are talking one afternoon. "Ya know," says Billy-Bob. "I reckon i'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year i'm gonna do it a little different. These past few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Irene got pregnant. Then two years ago you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Irene got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and, damn it, Irene got pregnant again. Luther asks Billy-Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year thats different?" Billy-Bob says, "This year i'm taking Irene with me."
  3. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    What do a 9v battery and a girls arsehole have in common? You know its wrong but sooner or later you ARE going to touch it with your tongue!
  4. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    A Scottish farmer named Wee Willy McMunchmaster is getting very frustrated as his wife has gone off sex after thirty years of marriage One day he's carrying out his chores and can't help but notice how sexy his sheep are. He decides to take his frustrations out on his sheep but rather than risk his wife finding out, he loads them into his lorry and drives off into the fields He has a great time and feels much happier. This goes on for two weeks, every morning he drives his sheep into the fields and has his wicked way with them one morning however, he awakes feeling unwell and decides to stay in bed. His wife brings him a cup of tea and some Asprin and tells him he needs to rest for the day. A couple of minutes later theres a strange noise coming from the farmyard. The wife runs to the bedroom window and says " Well I never !! " " What is it love ? " " You'll never believe this, the sheep have loaded themselves onto the lorry and one of them is even blowing the horn !!
  5. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    Guy walks into a bar and pulls up a stool next to a stunningly beautiful redhead. As he orders his drink, he glances at her and notices that she looks really sad and says, "Hi. I don't mean to bother you but you look really down: like you may have lost your best friend or something. What's up?" She looks up from her drink and says, "I am sad. Broken hearted really. After 10 years of marriage my husband finally walked out on me last week. He said I was too kinky in bed." The guy says to her, "My God. That's amazing. My wife just left me for the very same reason. She said she couldn't deal with me being so kinky. She left me a month ago." They talk for a while and then the redhead looks at him, shrugs and says, "Listen, we seem to have a lot in common. We're both adults. Why don't we finish our drinks and go to my place. It's just around the corner." They get to her house and she says "I'll be just a minute while I put on something a bit more comfortable. Drinks cabinet's over there; there are beers in the fridge. I'll be right back." She goes into her bedroom, strips down, put on a leather mask, a split crotch vinyl body suit with the nipples cut out, a feather boa, seven inch stiletto heels and picks up a long black whip and a length of heavy rope. She opens the bedroom door but see the guys putting on his coat and heading for the door. "HEY", she yells at him, "I thought we were going to get kinky!" He looks back at her and says, "Kinky? I fucked your cat and shit in your purse. I'm outta here!"
  6. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    Question: What's the difference between a Scotsman and a coconut Answer: You can get a drink out of a coconut :smirk:
  7. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    Ha ha, oldie but goodie :thumbup:
  8. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    This is the worst I have heard for a while but i'm going to post it anyway One day God calls down to Noah and says "Noah me old china, I wants you make me a new Ark". Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want. After all, you're the boss". But God interrupts, "Ah but there's a catch this time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, ..... I want 20 decks one on top of the other". "20 DECKS!", screams Noah, "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?" "..... Yep, that's right, well ..... sort of right ....... this time I want you to fill it up with fish" God answers. "Fish?" Queries Noah. "Yep, fish ... well, to make it more specific Noah, I want Carp, wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!" Noah looks to the skies, "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?" "Check". "With 20 decks, one on top of the other?". "Check". "And you want it full of Carp?". "Check" "Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether "Dunno" says God. "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".
  9. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    A farmer goes out into his field to find all of his cows are frozen solid. He was panic stricken, with his herd all frozen how would he make a living. He started to cry. Just then a little old lady appeared. "What is the matter?" she asked. "Look, look around you at all my cows, they are frozen, what am I going to do to make ends meet!" shrieked the hysterical farmer. The old lady silenced him with a raised finger. She then walked over to the nearest cow and touched it gently on the nose. It immediately started to twitch and in a minute or two was completely normal and started chewing grass. On she went from cow to cow, gently pressing her finger on the nose of each one and each one became normal again. "How can I ever thank you!" said the farmer. The old lady refused his offer and walked off across the field. "You know who that was?" said a passer by. "No." said the farmer. "That was........... .........Thora Hird."
  10. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise." The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. "Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?" The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise." "Ah! So solly," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck!"
  11. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    Paddy says to Mick "Mick, I hear that the girl who played Pussy Galore in the Bond film has split her fanny open!" Mick says "Honor Blackman?" "No" says Paddy "On a dildo"
  12. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    I went to see the Nurse for my annual health check this morning. She said, "I think you should stop wanking", I asked "Why?" She replied, "because I'm trying to examine you!"
  13. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    A rich bloke from deepest Yorkshire goes to the jewellers - "can tha mek us a gold statue o' mi whippet?" Jeweller asks "18 carat Sir?" "Naw chewin' a bone, yer daft pillock!"
  14. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    Paddy shows his blonde girlfriend the L and R labels in his wellies, explaining they mean Left and Right - "Oh!" she says, "now I understand the C&A label in me knickers"
  15. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    This was originally shown on on BBC TV back in the seventies... Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger (though god knows How many takes). Irony is that they received not one complaint. The speed of delivery Must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants]as you read ... This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters. Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go. Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. ""Mist all chucking frighty!!!"" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper. The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Sud denly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. ""Who's fust jarted??"" asked the prandsome hince. ""Blame that fugly ucker over there!!"" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.
  16. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    Year 2 class in Bradford comes in from playtime. Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at playtime?" Sarah says, "I played in the sand box." The teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a chocolate Hobnob." She does and gets a chocolate Hobnob. The teacher asks Michael what he did at playtime. Michael says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box." The teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a chocolate Hobnob." Michael does, and gets a chocolate Hobnob. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at playtime. He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Michael, but they threw rocks at me." The teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go to the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a chocolate Hobnob."
  17. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    Or put him in a barrel and tell him to piss in the corner :thumbup:
  18. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc." A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp. A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. Relax, you're two tents." A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
  19. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands... First floor The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went. Second floor The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?" Third floor This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women,"Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went. Fourth floor This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids,are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went. Fifth floor The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are fucking impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the fucking stairs
  20. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    Bill's all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear hunting in Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see a big black bear. The black bear says, "You've got two choices. One, I maul you to death or two, we have sex." He bends over for the bear. He's sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows revenge. Bill heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear and kills him. At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder. A huge grizzly is standing right behind him. The grizzly says, "That was a big mistake. You've got 2 choices, "Either I maul you to death or we have sex." Bill bends over. He survives, but he's really hurting and takes quite a bit of time to recover, and, he's outraged! Sure enough, he heads back to Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank range. There's a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find an enormous polar bear. The polar bear says, "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"
  21. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    A man was in a long queue at his local Boots store. As he got to the checkout he realised he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the checkout. She asked, "What size condoms?" The man replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his trousers. He did. She reached over the checkout, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One packet of large condoms to checkout 5." The man behind thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When it was his turn at the checkout, he told the checkout girl that he too had forgotten to get some condoms, and asked if she could have some brought up to the checkout. She asked him what size, and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his trousers, which he did. She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said "One packet of medium condoms to checkout 5." By sheer coincidence, A few customers back was none other than The Munchmaster. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the checkout he told her he too needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his trousers, which he did. She reached over the checkout, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the intercom and said................ "Mop and bucket to checkout 5."
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