teddy

A man walked into a bar in his hotel in Paris and the bartender said, "Don't touch the purple monkey up in room 222." The man sneered and went straight up to room 222 and opened the door. There sitting right in front of him was a purple monkey. The man laughed again and touched the monkey. He then started down the stairs...the monkey was following him. The man went outside and got into his jeep. The monkey got in the back seat. The man ignored him. Later the man drove to the Eiffel Tower. The man got out of the car and the monkey followed. The man finally reached the top, but the monkey was right behind him. The man just burst and yelled, "What do you want!" The monkey came up to him and said, "Tag...you're it."

Paddy goes into a hardware store and asks the guy behind the counter for a clock, the assistant asks him, 'What type of clock would you like?' Paddy: 'I'd like one made out of potatoes please'. Assistant: 'I've never heard of a clock made out of potatoes before, what kind of clock is it? Is it a grandfather clock? An alarm clock? A carriage clock? etc.'. Paddy: 'It's an alarm clock'. Assistant: 'I'm sorry sir I've never heard of an alarm clock made out of potatoes'. Paddy: 'Well you must have one, my boss told me to buy one!'. Assistant: 'What exactly did your boss say to you?'. [You need you're best Irish accent for this bit] Paddy: 'He said that I wouldn't be late for work in the morning if I got a potato clock'.

You know what Zaad, this may sound freaky, but if you stir long enough at that left cheek, it looks like flipper the dolphin

Has a look of you that lass

Angling jokes, ya can't beat em :thumbup:

A cowboy in Texas gets pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy sez, "Y'all havin' some problem with circle flies?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I never heard of circle flies." "Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a moment later he stops and says, "Are you callin' me a horse's hind end?" "No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for law enforcement to call y'all a horse's back end." "That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina". She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman "Do you have a vagina". She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice "Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again". The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it". She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. â??Do you have a vagina"....... "Yes" she says...... The man replies "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?

Nah, this is one for Munchie..

Queen mother goes to heaven and is walking round some beautiful gardens when she bumps into Princess Diana "Hi Gran, how are you?" says Diana "Oh, not to bad thankyou. Where do you go to get your Halo?" askes Queen Mum "Halo?" says a puzzled looking Diana. "Yes. Like the one you have arround your head" says the Queen Mum "Thats a Fucking steering wheel!" squeels Diana

Englishman, Irishman, and a Scotsman, are talking about where they got their names. "My name is George, because I was born on St. George's Day" says the Englishman. "My name is Andrew, because I was born on St. Andrew's day, says the Scotsman. They both turn to the Irishman, and say, "What day were you born on, Pancake?!"

Two blokes looking in a mens clothing shop window at a shirt - "That's the one I'd get" says one bloke, and Cyclops came round the corner and punched his head in...

Two blondes are walking down the road and they stumble across a mirror, the first one picks it up and looks at it and says "i know the face but cant put a name to it ?" so the second blonde grabs the mirror off her and says "are you stupid its me"

A doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant Bill. "Bill, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients". "Yes, sir!" answers Bill. The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Bill, how was your day?" Bill told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL." "Bravo Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor. "The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir" says Bill. "Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor. "Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'" "Tunderin' lard aalmighty Bill, what did you do?" asks the doctor. "I put drops in her eyes."

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how heâ??s feeling. The 80-year-old says, â??Iâ??ve never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?â? The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. â??I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went â??bang, bangâ??. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?â? The 80-year-old said, â??Iâ??d say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.â? The doctor replied, â??My point exactly.â?Â

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish, he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this feckin hole!"

A man is giving his wife one when in walks their little lad his Dad just starts to laugh embarrassed and playfully throws a pillow at him couple of minutes later when he's finished he goes into his sons room to find him having sex with his grandma his Dad is horrified " What the hell are you doing !! " " Yeh, not so funny when its your Mum is it !! "

:grin: Two blokes are pushing their shopping trolleys around a supermarket when they collide. The first bloke says to the second bloke, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going". The second bloke says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate". The first bloke says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like"? The second bloke says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, 5 feet 11 inches tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, big jubblies, long legs and is wearing tiny little shorts and a crop top. What does your wife look like?" The first bloke says, "Who gives a fuck, let's look for yours."

A man walks into the Pub with a slab of asphalt under his arm. The Bar man says " what can I get you sir". The man replies, " A Pint and One For The Road".

Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding. "Och, it's all going magic," says Jock. "I've got everything organised already, the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night." Archie nods approvingly. "Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in," continues Jock. "A kilt?" asks Archie. "That's braw, you'll look pure smart in that. What's the tartan?" "Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll just be in white."

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter. One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter". The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said. A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

Good one :thumbup: Reminded me of this one... Three new honeymooners were having dinner together when the ladies went to powder their noses The boys got together and suggested a competition: "Right tomorrow morning when we come down for breakfast you have to order as many slices of toast as the amount of times you've had sex with your missus, the winner doesnt buy a beer for the rest of the holiday" they all agree.... The next morning the first man says "can I have three slices of toast please" The second man says with a grin "can I have four slices of toast please" The third man winks and says "can I have five slices of toast and can you make two of them brown?"

:thumbup:

You must have had one too many last night to celebrate your birthday, that jokes on this thread twice already Here's one... A man is walking by an insane asylum and hears all the residents chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" Quite curious about all this, he finds a hole in the fence, looks in and someone pokes him in the eye. Everyone in the asylum starts chanting "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

Aye, classy lots the Jocks aren't they