teddy

A ManU fan is on his way home to Surrey after the match sporting his replica top. Suddenly he drops down dead of a heart attack and next thing he awakes outside the pearly gates. He rings the bell and St Peter answers, "What the feck do you want", says St Peter, stirring in disgust at his replica top. "I want to come in says the Manc", "Feck off says St Peter, we don't allow Mancs in here", "But I have been good all my life", replies the Manc, "I have always given to charities, heck just this morning I gave 15 pounds to the poor kids in Africa". "Ok, I'll have a word with the boss, see what I can do, you stay here", says St Peter. St Peter reappears after 5 minutes with 3 five pound notes in his hand. "I've had a word with the boss and we both agree, here's your fifteen pounds back, now feck off!"

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "I'll have a brandy........................................... .............................................................. .............................................................. .............................................................. .............................................................. .............................................................. ..........and coke." The bartender asks: "What's with the big pause?" The bear responds: "I dunno. I've always had them."

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies." He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile." So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either." The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy ... Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells... "SUPPLIES!!!"

A stable lad is called by the Stable Owner and informed that a vet shall be visiting to assess the condition of some horses. The owner cautions the young man before closing the call, making him aware that the vet is a dwarf and has a speech impediment Sure enough the vet arrives and s greeted warmly by the stable lad. â??Can I â??thee the horthes?â? asks the vet The lad says â??sure which horses specifically?â? â??The female horthesâ? comes the reply the lad takes the vet over to the mares and opens the first stall â??Can I take a look at her eythes?â? asks the vet The stable lad steps toward the vet and hoists him up high enough to peer in to the horses eyes.. "Good" says the vet.. â??Now can I thee her twot?â? The lad thinks this is a little strange but lifts the vet up regardless and squeezes his head between the mares hind legs.. After a few moments he lowers the vet and waits for the verdict.. â??Yesâ?¦ â? says the vet, â??Perhaps I should wephwase that.. Id like to watch the horth wun awound a bit!â?Â

A husky biker stopped by the local Harley shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He also stopped by the feed store and livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry all this stuff." The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he said "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall and have your way with me?" The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens !!!

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it." "When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder. "Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards. "Is that when you swore?" "No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away." "Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Mother Superior again. "Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!" "Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed elder nun. "No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient. "No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole." The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the f*cking putt, didn't you?"

Yes it was big

You twat

A woman goes to see the doctor because she is very embarrassed about the size of the lips on her pussy The doctor agrees that they are too large and books her in for an operation to remove the excess skin Couple of weeks later she comes round from the op and looks up to see three lovely bunches of flowers " The flowers are lovely darling " she says to her husband " but why three bunches ? " " Only one is from me "" he replies " ones from the doctor to thank you for being such a good patient and the others from Mr Johnson in the burns unit to thank you for his new ears "

One day whilst driving along, a man knocks down and kills a deer. He decides to take it home with him He cooks it that night for dinner but doesn't tell the kids what it is "I'll give you a clue, its what your mum calls me sometimes" The little girl screams at her little brother " Don't eat it, its a f**kin aresehole !! "

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You f*ck her again."

A typical married couple was lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he would periodically reach over to his wife and fondle her pussy. He did this a few times but only for a very short time each time. He would then stop and resume reading his book. The wife gradually became aroused with this and thought that her husband was seeking some response as encouragement before going any further. She got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked. "What are you doing taking your clothes off? The wife replied, "You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay to stimulate making love with you tonight. The husband said, "No, not at all." The wife then asked, "Well, what the hell were you doing then?" The husband replied, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book."