Hamokhamok

He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play my bagpipes. The worker put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Snowman

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!! An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried. The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.' A few minutes later, the officer radios in 'Disregard.' He says. 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.' TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !! Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?' The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down? The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.' TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!! Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?' 'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.' And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.' TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!! A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex.' She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.. Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex.' He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.' TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!! Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went Through a red light.' After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, She turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!' Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?'

Redneck

Did you ever wonder where the phrase Dick Head came from ???

[color:red]The Polite way to Pee[/color] > > > > During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to > > Teach good manners, asked her students the > > Following question: > > > > 'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner > > With a nice young lady,how would you tell her > > That you have to go to the bathroom?' > > > > Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' > > > > The teacher responded by saying, 'That would > > Be rude and impolite. > > > > What about you Sherman, how would you say it?' > > > > Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to > > Go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.' > > > > 'That's better, but it's still not very nice to > > Say the word bathroom at the dinner table. > > > > And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain > > For once and show us your good manners?' > > > > 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused > > For a moment? I have to shake hands with a > > Very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to > > Introduce you to after dinner.' > > > > The teacher fainted

Enjoy

FOX > Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. > > Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney. > The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is Called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. > The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. > > One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down: > > DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?" > > Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have." > > DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. > What is your name? First only please." > > Contestant: "Brian." > > DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?" > > Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married." > > DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please." > > Brian: "Sara." > > DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?" > > Brian: "She is gonna kill me." > > DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?" > > Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work." > > DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?" > > Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning." > > DJ: "Atta boy, Brian." > > Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..." > > DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?" > > Brian: "About 10 minutes." > > DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake." > > Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice." > > DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning? > > Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..." > > DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?" > > Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks..." > > DJ: "Uh huh..." > > Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time." > > DJ: "Atta boy, Brian." > > Brian: "On the kitchen table." > > DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this." > > [3 minutes of commercials follow. ] > > DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sara, shall we?" (touch tones.....ringing....) > > Clerk: "Kinkos." > > DJ: "Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?" > > Clerk: "This is she." > > DJ: "Sara, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now." > > Sara: (laughing) "A couple of hours?" > > DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any\answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?" > > Sara: "No." > > DJ: "Good!" > > Brian: (laughing) > > Sara: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?" > > Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest." > > DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sara. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us. > > Sara: (laughing) "Yes." > > DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sara?" > > Sara: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work." > > DJ: "What time?" > > Sara: "Around 8 this morning." > > DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?" > > Sara: "12, 15 minutes maybe." > > DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sara. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?" > > Sara: (laughing) "Yes." > > DJ: "Where did you have it?" > > Sara: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?" > > Brian: "Just tell him, honey." > > DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sara?" > > Sara: "Well..." > > DJ: Come on Sara..... where did you have it? > > Sara: "Up the ar$e....." > > After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"

Boy: " I've got a cat" Girl: " I've got two cats" Boy " Well I've got three dogs" Girl. " So. I've got four dogs" Boy " I've got seven gold fish" Girl. HM. " I got ten goldfish" Boy pulls down his trousers. " Well. I got one of these" Girl pulls down her knickers. " And I got one of these. And with one of these I can get as many of them as I want"

[color:green]A FEW JOKES TO KEEP YOU GOING[/color] Nicoderm Patch Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals. One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it. He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis." The other one replies, "It's working just fine right there. I'm down to two butts a day. IF YOU LAUGHED.... YOU'RE GOING STRAIGHT TO hel_l! ======================================================================================================= Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London, one took a window seat, and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an American sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, I need to get up and get a coke. Don't get up said the American, I'm in the aisle seat. I'll get it for you. As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the coke, the other Arab said, That looks good, I'd really like one, too. Again, the American obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone, the other Arab picked up his other shoe and spat in it. When the American returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his Shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "Why does it have to be this way"; he asked. "How long must this go on?" "This fighting between our nations?" "This hatred?" "This animosity?" "This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ... A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. "Mom," he asked, "are these my brains?" "Not yet." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The day after his wife disappeared in a boating accident, an Ocean City man answered his door to find two grim-faced Maryland State Troopers. "We're sorry Mr. Rice, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper. Tell me! Did you find her?" Rice shouted. The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worst, an ashen Rice said, "Give me the bad news first." The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the water near the Rte 90 Bridge." "Oh my God!" exclaimed Rice. Swallowing hard, he asked, What's the good news?" The trooper continued. "When we pulled her up she had 18 good-size blue crabs on her." Stunned, Mr. Rice demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?" The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow". ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in a small town in West Texas. He sits at the counter and notices an older cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chilli. After about 15 minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do"? The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner states "Nah, Go ahead" Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a rotten dead rat in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got too" ============================================================================== I was flying down the road yesterday (only 15 mph over the speed limit), I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge. Naturally, he pulled over, walked up to the car and asked me, "What's the hurry?" I replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah?" said the cop. "What do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded. The cop said, "What? A rectum stretcher? What does a rectum stretcher DO?" I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand. Then I work until I can get both hands in there, and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide." The cop asked me, "What the heck do you do with a 6 foot rectum?" I replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge…" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I have a mate whose name is Jim i just love to throw tomatoes at him. Tomatoes are soft and don't hurt the skin but these fcukers do as they're still in the tin

God said to Adam, 'I want you to do Something for Me.' Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do You Want me to do?' God said, 'Go down Into that valley.' Adam said, 'What's a Valley?' God explained it to Him. Then God said, 'Cross the river.' Adam said, 'What's a River?' God explained that To him, and then said, 'Go over to the hill....' Adam said, 'What is a Hill?' So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam , 'On The other side of the Hill you will find a Cave.' Adam said, 'What's a Cave?' After God explained, He said, 'In the cave You will find a woman.' Adam said, 'What's a Woman?' So God explained That to him, too. Then, God said, 'I Want you to Reproduce.' Adam said, 'How do I do that?' God first said (under His breath), 'Geez.....' And then, just like Everything else, God explained that to Adam , as well. So, Adam goes down Into the valley, Across the river, and Over the hill, into the Cave, and finds the Woman. Then, in about five Minutes, he was back. God, His patience Wearing thin, said Angrily, 'What is it now?' And Adam said.... * * (YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS!!!!!!) * * * * * 'What's a headache?

[color:red]HOSPITAL[/color] A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously. "Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?" The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture." "Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman. As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified? Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, but he has Private Health Insurance."

Waiting

How to be cruel to old guys: AARP Eye Chart

Your friendly football supporter.

This is a well known cure for migraine. Has anyone tried it out ?? [sorry, no pictures with nudity allowed on the board - KS]

Shhhhhhhhhh its a secret

Leaking Cocks

Screw you.

Latest iPod

Soi Dog

Tiagra

Testing with this one.

Thanks will try that.

Ok I know this is probably not the best place to ask this. I get good jokes with attachments i.e. photos etc, how can I (or can I) just cut and paste them and add them in here or must I add the photo seperate ?? Thanks for any suggestions.