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One day a hippie gets a ride on a public bus and sees a hot young nun. He sits down next to her and promptly asks if she would like to have sex, to which she immediately says no and walks off the bus. The bus driver leans over and says “Hey guy I know how to get that nun to have sex with you…†Naturally the hippie asks, and the bus driver tells him that every night at midnight the nun goes to an old graveyard to pray for god to forgive her for her past, and that he should dress up like god and tell the nun she will be forgiven if she has sex with you. The hippie gives his thanks and runs to the nearest costume shop. Later that evening the hippie gets ready for his big night and drives down to the graveyard and sees the nun praying, on her knees. He says “Behold, I have heard your prayers and you shall be forgiven if you have sex with me!†The nun agrees but asks if they can have anal sex in order to keep her virginity. The hippie agrees and once they are finished the hippie jumps back and pulls off his mask and says “Surpise, its me the Hippie!†The nun jumps up and pulls off her mask and says “Surprise, its me the bus driver!â€Â

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home. The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word " definitely " in a sentence. Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?" The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny," To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely s**t my pants".

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than most of ours do, to our amazement, and amusement. Here are some of his gems: 1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back. 3 - Half the people you know are below average. 4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. 6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain. 9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand. 10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... but she left me before we met. 12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark? 13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? 14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. 15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. 18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now. 19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good. 20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." 24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. 29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. 30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. 32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. 33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film. 34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." My husband said, "F*ck him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

KNOW YOUR FARTS The Anticipated Fart: This one warns that it is back there waiting for some time before it arrives. A person who is uneasy for a time in a crowd and who later farts at a time when they think no one will notice has farted an Anticipated Fart. The Back Seat Fart: This is a fart that occurs only in automobiles. It is identified chiefly by odor. The Back Seat Fart can usually be concealed by traffic noise as it is an eased-out fart and not very loud. But its foul odor will give it away, due to the way air moves around in a car. It is often followed by someone saying, "Who farted in the back seat?" The Barn Owl Fart: A familiarity with owl calls is helpful in identifying this fart. Almost any morning if you get up just before daybreak you can hear one of these birds talking to himself. It's a sort of a crazy laugh, particularly the way it ends. If you hear a fart that has about eight notes in it, ending on a couple of down notes, and it sounds maniacal, you have heard the rare Barn Owl Fart. The Bullet Fart: Its single and most pronounced diagnostic characteristic is its sound. It sounds like a rifle shot. The farter can be said to have snapped it off. It can startle spectators and farter alike. Fairly common following the eating of the more common fart foods, such as beans. The Command Fart: This fart differs from the Anticipated Fart in that it can be held for long periods of time waiting for the right moment. Unlike the Anticipated Fart, it is intended to be noticed. Nathan Martins recently held a Command Fart for the whole period in history class and let it go right at the end when the teacher asked if there were any questions. The Common Fart: This fart needs little description. It is to the world of farts what the house sparrow is to the world of birds. I can see no point in describing this fart any further. The Cushioned Fart: A concealed fart, sometimes successful. The farter is usually on the fat side, sometimes a girl. They will squirm and push their butt way down into the cushions of a sofa or over-stuffed chair and ease-out a fart very carefully without moving then or for some time after. Some odor may escape, but usually not much. Common with some people. The Dud Fart: The Dud Fart is not really a fart at all. It's a fart that fails. For this reason it is strictly a group one identification fart, because there is no real way you can identify a fart that somebody else expected to fart but didn't. It is the most private of all farts. In most cases the farter usually feels a little disappointed. The Echo Fart: This is a fart that can be wrongly identified. It is not some great loud fart in an empty gym or on the rim of the Grand Canyon. The true Echo Fart is a fart that makes its own echo. It is a two-toned fart, the first tone loud, then a pause, and then the second tone. Like an echo. The G and L Fart: This is one of the most ordinary and pedestrian of farts, known to everyone. Certainly it is the least gross. If you have not already guessed, G and L stands for Gambled and Lost. One of the most embarrassing of all farts, even when you are alone. The Ghost Fart: A doubtful fart in most cases, as it is supposed to be identified by odor alone and to occur, for instance, in an empty house. You enter and smell a fart, yet no one is there. People will insist that only a fart could have that odor, but some believe it is just something that happens to smell like a fart. The Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart: This is strictly an old lady's fart. What happens is that the person manages to hiccough, sneeze, and fart all at the same time. After an old lady farts a Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart she will usually pat her chest and say, "My, oh my," or "Well, well." There is no reason she should not be proud, as this is probably as neat an old person's fart as there is. The Jerk Fart: The Jerk Fart is a fart by a jerk who smirks, smiles, grins, and points to himself in case you missed it. It is usually a single-noted, off-key, fading away, sort of whistle fart, altogether pitiful, but the jerk will act as if he has just farted the Biggest Fart in the World Fart. The John Fart: The John Fart is simply any ordinary fart farted on the john. It is naturally a group one identification, with the sound, whatever it was, somewhat muffled. If it is all the person's trip to the john amounted to he will be disappointed for sure. Common as pigeons. The Lead Fart: The heaviest of all farts. It sounds like a dropped ripe watermelon. Or a falling body in some cases. It is the only fart that goes thud. Except for the odor, which is also very heavy, it could be missed altogether as a fart. What was that, you might think? And never guess. The Malted Milk Ball Fart: Odor alone is diagnostic and positively identifies this fart. It smells exactly like malted milk balls. No other food works this way. It is rare. The Oh My God Fart: This is the most awful and dreadful stinking of all farts - a fart that smells like a month-old rotten egg - as the Oh My God Fart. If you should ever encounter it, however, you may first want to say, oh sh*t, which would be understandable. The Omen Fart: This is the adult version of the Poo-Poo Fart. About the only difference is that the farter will not say anything. He will just look kind of funny and head for the john. This one is easy to spot if you pay attention. The Organic Fart: Sometimes called the Health Food Nut Fart. The person who farts an Organic Fart may be talking about the healthy food he eats even when he farts. If he is heavily into health foods he may even ask if you noticed how good and pure and healthy his fart smells. It may smell to you like any other fart, but there is no harm in agreeing with him. He is doing what he thinks is best. The Quiver Fart: A group one identification fart only. When you fart, it quivers. If it tickles, then it is the Tickle Fart. If you have to scratch it, then it is the Scratchass Fart. The Rambling Phaduka Fart: You must not be fooled by its pretty-sounding name, as this is one of the most frightening of all farts. It is frightening to farter and spectator alike. It has a sound of pain to it. What is most diagnostic about it, however, is its length. It is the longest-lasting fart there is. It will sometimes leave the farter unable to speak. As though he has had the wind knocked out of him. A strong, loud, wavering fart, it goes on for at least fifteen seconds. The Relief Fart: Sound or odor don't matter on this one. What matters is the tremendous sense of relief that you have finally farted. Some people will even say, "Wow, what a relief." Very common. The Reluctant Fart: This is probably one of the oldest farts known to man. The Reluctant Fart is a fart that seems to have a mind of its own. It gives the impression that it likes staying where it is. It will come when it is ready, not before. This can take half-a-day in some instances. The Rusty Gate Fart: The sound of this fart seems almost impossible for a fart. It is the most dry and squeaky sound a fart can make. The Rusty Gate Fart sounds as if it would have worked a lot easier if it had been oiled. It sounds like a fart that hurts. The S.B.D. Fart: S.B.D. stands for Silent But Deadly. This is no doubt one of the most common farts that exists. No problem of identification with this one. The Sandpaper Fart: This one scratches. Otherwise it may not amount to much. You should remember that if you reach back and scratch, it automatically becomes a Scratchass Fart. Common. The Skillsaw Fart: A truly awesome fart. It vibrates the farter. Really shakes him up. People back away. It sounds like an electric skillsaw ripping through a piece of half-inch plywood. Very impressive. Not too common. The Sonic Boom Fart: The people who believe in this fart claim it is even bigger than the Biggest Fart In The World Fart. The Sonic Boom Fart is supposed to shake the house and rattle the windows. This is ridiculous. No fart in the world shakes houses and rattles windows. A fart that could do that would put the farter into orbit or blow his crazy head off. The Splatter Fart: Unfortunately the Splatter Fart exists. It is the wettest of all farts. It probably should not be called a fart at all. The Stutter Fart: If you think stuttering is funny, this is a very funny fart. It is a fart that can't seem to get going. The sound is best described as pt,pt,pt-pt,pt-pt-pt,pop,pop-pop-pop-POW! It is usually a forced-out fart that gets caught crossways, as they say, and only gets farted after considerable effort. The Taco Bell Fart: The Taco Bell Fart is far richer and full-bodied than your ordinary Junk Fart and takes longer to build up. Sometimes hours or even a day. But it will get there. And it will hang around after, too. Even on a windy day. The Teflon Fart: Slips out without a sound and no strain at all. A very good fart in situations where you would rather not fart at all. You can be talking to someone and not miss saying a word. If the wind is right he will never know. The Thank God I'm Alone Fart: Everyone knows this rotten fart. You look around after you have farted and say, "Thank God I'm alone." Then you get out of there fast! The Tickle Fart: A group one only and one of the easiest to identify. Usually a slow soft sort of fart. If you like being tickled this is the fart for you!

The 59 verses of The Ballad of Eskimo Nell Gather 'round, all you whorey, Gather 'round, and hear my story. When a man grows old and his balls grow cold, And the tip of his prick turns blue; When it bends in the middle like a one-string fiddle, He can tell you a tale or two. So pull up a chair and stand me a drink, And a tale to you I will tell About Dead-Eye Dick and Mexican Pete And a harlot named Eskimo Nell When Dead-Eye Dick and Mexican Pete Go forth in search of fun, It's Dead-Eye Dick that swings the prick, And Mexican Pete the gun. When Dead-Eye Dick and Mexican Pete Are sore, depressed and sad, It's always a cunt that bears the brunt, but the shooting's not so bad. Now Dead-Eye Dick and Mexican Pete Lived down by Dead Mans Creek, And such was there luck that they'd had no fuck For nigh on half a week. Oh, a moose or two, and a caribou, And a bison cow or so, But for Dead-Eye Dick with his kingly prick, This fucking was mighty slow. So, do or dare, this horny pair set off for the Rio Grande: Dead-Eye Dick with his kingly prick, And Pete with his gun in his hand. Then, as they blazed their noisy trail, No man, there path withstood. Many a bride, her husband's pride, A pregnant widow stood. They reached the strand of the Rio Grande At the height of a blazing noon. To slake their thirst, and do their worst, They sought Black Mike's saloon. The swinging doors they pushed back wide, Both prick and gun flashed free. "According to sex, you bleeding wrecks, You'll drink or you'll fuck with me!" Now, they'd heard of the prick of Dead-Eye Dick, From the Yukon to Panama, So, with scarcely worse than a muttered curse, Those fellows all sought the bar. The girls, too, knew of his playful ways Down on the Rio Grand, And forty whores pulled down their drawers at Dead-Eye Dick's command For they saw the finger of Mexican Pete Move on the trigger grip So they didn't wait: at a fearful rate Those whores began to strip. Now, Dead-Eye Dick was breathing quick With lecherous snorts and grunts, So forty butts were bared to view, And likewise forty cunts. Now, forty butts and forty cunts, If you can use your wits, And if your slick at arithmetic, Makes exactly eighty tits. Sure, eighty tits are a gladsome sight For a man with a raging stand. It may be rare in Berkeley Square, But not on the Rio Grande! Now Dead-Eye Dick had a few On the last preceding night, This he had done just to show his fun And to whet his appetite. His phallic limb was in fucking trim. As be backed and took a run, And he made a dart for the nearest tart, He scored a hole in one. The lady he bore to the dusty floor, And there he filled her fine, And though she grinned, it put the wind up the other thirty-nine. When Dead-Eye Dick lets loose his prick, He has no time to spare, For speed and strength, combined with length, He fairly singes hair. He made a dart at the next fair tart, When into that harlots hell Strode a gentle maid who was unafraid: Her name was Eskimo Nell. By this time, Dick had got his prick Well into number two, When Eskimo Nell let out a yell. She bawled to him,"Hey, you!" Dick gave a flick of his muscular prick, And the girl flew over his head, He then wheeled about with an angry shout; His face and his balls were red. Nell glanced our hero up and down, His looks she seemed to decry. With utter scorn, she sneered at the worm Which rose from his hairy thigh. She blew the smoke of her cigarette All over his steaming knob. So utterly beat was Mexican Pete That he failed to do his job. It was Eskimo Nell who broke the spell in accents clear and cool: "You cunt-struck shrimp of a Yankee pimp! You call that thing a tool?" If this here town can't take that down," She said to those cowering whores, "There's another cunt that can do the stunt, But it's Eskimo Nells' not yours." She dropped her garments one by one With an air of conscious pride, And as she stood in her womanhood, They saw the great divide. She seated herself on a table top, Where someone had left a glass. With a twitch of her tits, she crushed it to bits Between the cheeks of her ass. She flexed her knees with a supple ease, And spread her thighs apart. With a friendly nod to the mangy sod, She gave him the cue to start. Now, Dead-Eye Dick knew more than one trick, And he meant to take his time, For a woman like this was orgasic bliss, So he played the pantomime. He flexed his asshole too and fro, And made his balls inflate, Until they looked like the granite knobs On top of the palace gate. He blew his anus inside out, His balls increased in size, His mighty prick grew twice as thick And reached almost to his eyes. He polished it up with alcohol, Then, to make it steaming hot And to finish the job, he sprinkled the knob With a cayenne pepperppot. Then did he neither start to run nor did he take a leap, Nor did he stoop, but with a swoop Began a steady, forward creep. As a marksman might, he took a sight Along his mighty tool, And his steady grin as he pushed it in sowed a calculated cool. Have you ever seen the pistons On the mighty C.P.R., With the driving force of a thousand horse? Well, then you know what pistons are. Or, you think you do, but you've yet to see The ins and outs of the trick Of the work that's done on a no-stop run By a fellow like Dead-Eye Dick. But Eskimo Nell was no infidel, as good as a whole harem. With the strength of ten in her abdomen And the rock of ages between. With nary a scream, she could take the stream Like the flush of a watercloset. Now, she gripped his cock like a Chatswood Lock On the National Safe Deposit. But Dead-Eye Dick would not come quick, He meant to conserve his powers, For if he'd a mind, he'd grind and grind For sixteen solid hours. Nell lay a while with a subtle smile, Then the grip of her cunt grew keener, And a squeeze of her thy then sucked him dry With the ease of a vacuum cleaner. She performed this trick in a way so slick As to set in complete defiance The principal cause and basic laws That govern sexual science. She calmly rode through the phallic code Which for years had withstood the test, And the ancient rules of the classic schools In a moment or two, went west. Right here, my friend, we come to Of copulation's classic: The effect on Dick was sudden and quick And akin to an anaesthetic. He fell to the floor, and he knew no more, His passions extinct and dead, Nor did he shout as his cock fell out, Though 'twas stripped right down to a thread. Then, Mexican Pete did leap to his feet To avenge his pal's affront, With a jarring jolt of his blue-nosed colt, He rammed it up Nell's cunt. He rammed it hard to the trigger guard, Then fired two times three, But to his surprise, Nell closed her eyes And smiled in ecstasy. She rose to her feet with a smile so sweet, Then " Bully " she said, "for you". Though I might have guessed that that was the best That you to poor pimps could do. "When next, my friend, that you intend To sally forth for fun, Buy Dead-Eye Dick a sugar stick, And yourself an elephant gun "I'm going forth to the frozen north Where the peckers are hard and strong, Back to the land of the frozen stand where the nights are six months long. "It's hard as tin when they put it in In the land where spunk is spunk, Not a trickling stream of lukewarm cream, But a solid, frozen chunk. "Back to the land where they understand What it means to fornicate, Where even the dead sleep two in a bed And the babies masturbate. "Back to the land of the grinding gland, Where the walrus plays with prong, Where the polar bear wanks off in his lair, That's where they'll sing this song. They'll tell this tale on the arctic trail Where the nights are sixty below, Where it's so damn cold the jonnies are sold Wrapped up in a ball of snow. "In the Valley of Deathwith baited breath, That's where they'll sing it too, Where the skeletons rattle in sexual battle And the rotting corpses screw. "Back to the land where men are Men, I'll say 'Terra Bellicum', And there I'll spend my worty end, For the North is calling 'Come!'" Then Dead-Eye Dick and Mexican Pete Slunk away from the Rio Grande, Dead-Eye Dick with his useless prick, And Pete with no gun in hand. When a man grows old and his balls grow cold, And the tip of his prick turns blue, And the hole in the middle refuses to piddle, I'd say he was fucked, wouldn't you?

Black Testicles A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?' Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.' He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?' Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!' The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely...... ' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up, one is a good looking older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it, this is one ferocious lion, he ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history, here's your equipment: a chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?" The tough old golfer replies, "No problem just get that bloody lion out of the way!"

A professor at the University of Staffordshire was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a mature female student in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your arse hole is doing while you're having an o.rgasm?' She replied, 'Probably playing golf with his friends.' It took 45 minutes to restore order!

4 blokes go on a hunting trip. Their tents only have room for two men in each. No one wanted to sleep in the same tent as Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair for just one of them share with Daryl the whole time, so they decided to take turns. The first bloke to sleep in Daryl's tent comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes bloodshot. His mates ask, 'Crikey, what happened?' He answers, 'Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.' The next night it was a different bloke's turn. The following morning, same thing, his hair is all standing up and his eyes are bloodshot. His mates ask, 'Gees, what happened to you? You look awful!' He says, 'Bloody Daryl shakes the roof. I just sat and watched him all night, I couldn't sleep.' The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big, burly, ex-footballer; a man's man. The next morning he comes to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. 'Good morning,' he says cheerfully. His mates can't believe it. They ask, 'Blimey, what happened?' Frank says, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. Then he sat up and watched me all night

PONDERISMS I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily , it is a valuable plant. The easiest way to find something lost around the house or shop is to buy a replacement. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead. Life is sexually transmitted. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. Have you noticed since everyone has a cell that takes pictures these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird.. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?" If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.' The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven..' The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.. 'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man. 'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.' Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. 'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.' The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked. That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!' The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?' 'Not unless you want to,' was the answer. 'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or....' 'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.' The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f...ing Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'

A new ending for a favorite fairytale The big bad Wolf said "I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down." The little piggy said "F? off or I'll sneeze on you..."

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, 'Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?' No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, 'You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the Principal, who will then fire you!' Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, 'Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?' Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, 'Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!' The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, 'Anybody?' Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, 'The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.' Mrs. Parks said, 'Very good, Billy,' then turned to Mary and continued . 'As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, VERY disappointed.'

Frozen Crabs & the Blonde Stewardess A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate the lot. Two lessons here: 1.Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are. 2.Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

Finally, the true story. Some time ago President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when, at the last minute, his regular cook fell ill, and they had to get a replacement on short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby-looking man named Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice. Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief of Staff, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay, but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little funny. By the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself from the dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end, which made him feel even worse. By now, the President was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened. As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees. As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice, "Sack my cook." And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.

1: Michael Jackson did not have a heart attack. Apparently, he went to LA children's hospital and had a stroke. 2: Authorities have released a statement saying that they will melt his body down and make plastic toys so kids can play with him for a change... 3: New reports indicate Michael Jackson had an allergic reaction after eating some 12 year old nuts. 4: Michael Jackson's dying wish was to have his ashes scattered through a bowl of cornflakes, just so he could go through the ar5e of little children one last time..... 5: Conspiracy theory is that he was hit by... no, he was struck by..... a smooth criminal 6: Cause of death: a) sunshine? moonlight? c) good times? d) boogie?

What's the difference between Alex Ferguson and Michael Jackson - Ferguson will still be playing Giggs in August.....

Come on lads - where are all the Michael Jackson jokes. Maybe a new thread is needed for them. Get loading.

Black Testicles A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?' Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.' He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?' Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!' The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely...... ' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?

Britain is feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The British have not been "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940, when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the Great Fire of 1666. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose". Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so that the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. Americans, meanwhile, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case. And at a local level... New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "Baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks, New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shit, I hope Austrulia will come end riscue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi". Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Shit, we might have to cancel the Barbie this weekend." and "Bugger it, the Barbie is cancelled". The final escalation level is ... â??We might have to lay off the grog until weâ??ve got this sorted.â? However, in all of recorded Australian history, things have never been considered to be so bad that this warning has ever had to be issued.

WORLDS BIGGEST CAMEL TOE http://teakdoor.com/jokes-and-funny-stories/10579-worlds-biggest-camel-toe.html

TYPES OF POO Ghost Poo: You know you've pooed. There's poo on the toilet paper, but not in the toilet. Where is it? Teflon Poo: So slick and easy you don't even feel it. No trace of poo on the toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet to be sure you did it. Goo Poo: This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe twelve times and you still don't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't soil it. Permanent skid marks are left in the toilet. Second Thoughts Poo: You're all done wiping and about to stand up when you realise... there's more to come. Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Poo: This is the kind of poo that killed Elvis. It doesn't want to come out until you're all sweaty, trembling, and purple from straining so hard. Weight Watchers Poo: You poo so much you lose several pounds. Right Now Poo: You'd better be within thirty seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber to get there and it usually gets its head out before you can get your pants down. King Kong Poo: This one is so big you think it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger usually works well. This kind of poo usually happens when you're at someone else's house. Cork Poo: Also known as "floaters." Even after the third flush it's still there, floating in the bowl. My God! How do I get rid of it? Wet Cheeks Poo: This poo hits the water sideways and makes a bigger splash than the launching of the QE2, soaking your starfish. Wish Poo: You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no poo. Cement Block Poo: You wish you'd got a spinal block before you pooed. Snake Poo: This poo is fairly soft, about as thick as your thumb and at least three feet long. Morning After Poo: Happens the day after the night before. Normally your poo doesn't smell that bad, but THIS one... Usually you're at someone else's house (normally a girl you're trying to impress) and they're waiting outside to use the bathroom. Mexican Food Poo: Also called "screamers." You know it's safe to eat again when your bum stops burning. Boo Hoo Poo: Makes you cry with pain and wonder whether your should risk the stitches or go for the fuller figure.