Hamokhamok

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The Wedding Night Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her, "Don't worry Maria, Tony's a good man, Go upstairs and he'll take care of you." So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest, Maria ran downstairs to her mother and yelled, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry Maria," replied her mother," all good men have hairy chests, go upstairs, he'll take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairylegs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother, "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs." "Don't worry, all good men have hairy legs, Tony's a good man, go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half." "Stay here and stir the pasta," said the mother, "this is a job for Mama."

Morals I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

http://teakdoor.com/Gallery/albums/userpics/10004/normal_gallery_749_40_30632.jpg

Which Bitch ? An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!" The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."

Sale Now On... Why do women love to suck Circumcised Cocks? Because they can't resist anything with 10% off mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Two friends, a blond n a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop were the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, 'Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.' The blond looks quizzically at her and says, 'You don't like getting flowers? The redhead says, 'I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and i just don't feel like spending the next five days on my back with my legs in the air.' The blond says, 'DON'T YOU HAVE A VASE?'

Tim was going to be married to April, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. He says, "Tim, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'here, try these on.'" So, she did and said, "These are too big, I can't wear them." I replied, "Exactly! I wear the pants in this family and I always will." "Ever since that night, we have never had any problems." "Hmmm," says Tim. He thinks that might be a good thing to try. So on his honeymoon, Tim takes off his pants and says to April, "Here try these on." So she does and says, "These are too large, they don't fit me." Tim says, "Exactly! I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that." Then April takes off her pants and hands them to Tim and says, "Here, you try on mine." So he does and says, "I can't get into your pants." April says, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smartass attitude, you never will."

One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom and says, "Mom... What have you been doing all your life? Dad's been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!" Her mom replies, "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad."

A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad. Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play." Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with." Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?" Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed." The mom said okay and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door. Mom : "Now what do I do?" Son : "Get your ass out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid some fucking ice cream."

There's a young couple in the cinema. The girl says, "I must have a piss, can I squeeze past you?" "Why don't you squat down on the floor and do it" says the boyfriend. "You'll have to disturb all these people, besides its dark, no one will see you." "OK" she says. She pulls her drawers down and squats on the floor. The bloke starts feeling horny at the thought of her down there, so he reaches down and makes a grab. He feels something long and hard and says, "Urgh! Have you changed your sex?" "No" she says "I've changed my mind... I'm having a shit instead."

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun. Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?" New Zealander: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie." Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?" Dog: "Doin' alright." New Zealander: (extreme look of shock) Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?", pointing at New Zealander Dog: "Yep" Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play." New Zealander: (look of disbelief) Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" New Zealander: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think." Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?" Horse: "Cool." New Zealander: (extreme look of shock) Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at New Zealander) Horse: "Yep" Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements." New Zealander: (total look of amazement) Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?" New Zealander: "The sheep's a liar.

The definitive guide to Aussies The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate. All our best heroes are losers. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of Australian footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard". Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, Australians may just be really hopeless with names. The wise man will choose a partner who is more attractive than himself.............to mosquitoes. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming pool. It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have catered for it). If there is any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're not trying. Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for. The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home. When on a country holiday, the neon sign advertising the motel's pool will always be slightly larger than the pool itself. The men are tough, but the women are tougher. The chief test of manhood is one's ability to install a beach umbrella in high winds. Australians love new technology. Years after their introduction, most conversations on mobile phones are principally about the fact that the call is "being made on my mobile". There comes a time in every Australian's life when he/she realises that the Aerogard is worse than the flies. And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. No-one EVER says "cobber" to anyone ... EVER! It also doesn't have the bit about the true test for immigration to Australia. They give potential new Aussies the following test: Mowing a sloping lawn (at least 20 degree angle) in a pair of thongs holding a VB while watching the cricket. If you can't pass that chances are you will never be able to pass yourself off as a true Aussie.

A researcher is conducting a survey into sheep shagging. First of all he visits an English farmer. "So,English farmer,how do you shag your sheep?" "Well,I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall." "That's very interesting,"replies the researcher and he leaves the English farmer.Then he meets an Australian farmer. "So,Australian farmer,how do you shag your sheep?" "Well,I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall." "That's very interesting,"replies the researcher,"That's how they do it in England too."And he leaves the Australian farmer. Then he meets a farmer from New Zealand. "So,kiwi farmer,how do you shag your sheep?" "Well,I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boot and I take the front legs of the sheep and put them over my shoulders." "Over your shoulders?"replies the researcher,"Don't you put them over a wall like everyone else?" "What?"says the farmer,"and miss out on all the kissing?"

Each day a college professor starts his class off with a dirty joke, usually derogatory towards women. One day all the women in the class decide that the next time he does it, theyâ??re just going to get up and leave the class, in protest, without saying anything. A male student overhears them planning this, and notifies the teacher. The professor opens the next class with, â??Did you hear about the shortage of whores in Russia?â? And sure enough all the females get up and hurry to the door to leave. The professor shouts, â??Wait! The boat doesnâ??t leave â??till Monday!â?Â

Blond Problems A not to bright blonde dashes into the telepone office yelling that she must call her mother urgently. Sensing an easy target the guy behind the counter says it will cost $200. She says she doesn't have that much and will do anything to make the call. The guy takes her into the back room and sits down. He tells her to unzip his pants and pull out his cock. Then he has her stroke it until it is hard. He throws back his head and screams "Go for it baby". She bends right down until the head is almost touching her mouth. "Mum....hello....can you hear me ?"

This prostitute got run over and a doctor goes over to her and asks what's wrong - she says "I'm blind, I'm blind", the doctor then says "How many fingers have I got up?" and she replies "I'm fucking paralyzed .."

Healthy Benefits for Women http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seminophagia

Another Easter Message.

Maybe not in the right forum but worthy of note. OWNING VERSUS RENTING (Couldn't get the pictures to come across) The maths on the Paul McCartney marriage to Heather Mills is as follows: After 5 years of marriage, he paid her £25m in a divorce settlement. Assuming he got an hour of sex every night during their 5 year relationship (which obviously would NOT have happened) it ended up costing him £13,699 each time! On the other hand a call girl, an absolute stunner with a body like no other (sorry no picture), charges £2,000 an hour. For anything! Had Paul McCartney 'employed' Kristen for 5 years and paid for an hour of sex every night for 5 years, it would have cost him £3.65m - that's a saving of £21.35m!! Value added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no coaxing, never a headache, plays all requests, ability to put BOTH legs around you (!!!), no bitching and complaining or 'to do' lists. Best of all, she leaves when you're done, and comes back when you ask her. All at 1/7th the cost, with no legal fees either. Sometimes renting makes far more sense.

Mating Season

Ah to have your own office.

Really Bad Planning

The following question was asked in a recent poll: 'Are there too many immigrants in Britain?' 21% Said: Yes 17% Said: No 62% Said: عÙ?د اÙ?Ø£Ù?Ù? اÙ?عاÙ?Ù?Ù? بÙ?اشÙ?Ø·

Top Four Adult Jokes Fourth Place : A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.' She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.' ------------ --------- --------- --------- Third Place : One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.' The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. 'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?' ------------ --------- --------- --------- - Runner Up: Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife co uld see at once that something was seriously wrong. 'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked. 'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?' 'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed. 'Yes, I did.' he replied. 'My God, Bill, what20happened? ' 'I got fired.' 'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?' 'Oh...she got fired too.' ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------- Winner: A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.' 'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.' 'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.' Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. 'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly r eplied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.' 'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.

After 20 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.? On and on and on: neglect, lack of imtimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.? The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.? The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'this is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week.? Can you do this?' The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'