Hamokhamok

An elderly man in the Atherton Tablelands in Queensland had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, a barbecue and some apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a twenty litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile...' Some old men can still think fast.

A secretary got an expensive pen as a gift from her boss. She sent him a Thank you note by email. Boss’s wife read the email and filed for divorce. The email said: Your penis wonderful and I enjoyed using it last night. It has extra ordinary smooth flow and a firm stroke. I loved its perfect size and grip. Felt like I was in heaven when using it. Thanks a lot Moral: A space is an essential part of English grammar.

Probably here before but worth another laugh. NO WONDER SO MANY OLDER GUYS RECKON THEY HAVE PROSTATE PROBLEMS!!! An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and Gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a Very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your Prostate today, but this new procedure is a little Different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side,bend your knees, Then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'. The old guy obeys and says, "99". The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side And again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99". Again, the old guy says, '99'." The doctor said, “Very goodâ€. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees Raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with The other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis To keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'. The old guy begins, "One.... Two… Three…" You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing!

Barack Obama got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed that he was white from the neck to the top of his head. In a sheer panic and fearing he was turning white all over, he called his doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately. After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Barack, and told him to drink it all. Barack drank the concoction and said, "That tasted like bullshit!" "It was." the doctor replied, "You were a quart low."

Enjoy

Son said to dad “I'm gay.†Dad looks at his other son and said “What about you?†Other son said “Me too dad.†Dad said “doesn't anyone in this family like pussy?†The daughter said “I do…†==================================================================== 10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident. At the Pearly Gates St Peter says “If any of you are paedophiles you can piss off down to Hell.†Nine of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out “and take this deaf bastard with you.†======================================================================================== My mate reckons he always cries after sex. Mind you, he is in prison. ========================================================================================= I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him. I shouted “Where you off to Charlie?†He said, “I'm off to change a light bulb.†Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said, “That's gonna be a bit awkward init?†“Not really.†he said. “I’m off to Bunnings and I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard.†==================================================================================

A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West. The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot... 'Could you give me some tips ??' he asked. The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.' 'Will that make me a better gunfighter ??' 'Sure will ' T he young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. 'That's terrific !!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips ??' 'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - - that’ll give you a smoother draw' 'Will that make me a better gunfighter ??' asked the young man. 'You bet it will,' said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player. 'Wow !!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips ??' The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there ?? Coat your gun with it.' The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. 'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all..' 'Will that make me a better gunfighter ??' asked the young man.. 'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.'

These are cakes to celebrate giving birth. Hope you like them.

whyabbosneedmobilephones1.wmv

Daddyatthepark.mpg

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am..' The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.' 'You must be an Engineer,' said the balloonist. 'I am,' replied the man, 'how did you know?' 'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk.' The man below responded, 'You must be in Management.' 'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?' 'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f**king fault.'

What is worse than a phonoscopy?...... www.youtube.com/embed/gSw4CLV14sQ?rel=0 You'll like this one, I hope.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=889456507860752&set=vb.479172088771371&type=2&theater Thai TV. Do you think this goes on a lot?

The novel “Fifty Shades Of Grey†has seduced women and baffled blokes. Now, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men. The book's author Colin Grey recounts his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts... Fifty "Sheds" Of Grey We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall. But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed. ---------------------------------------------------- She stood before me, trembling in my shed. “I’m yours for the night,†she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.†So I took her to Bunnings. ---------------------------------------------------- She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder Until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot. ---------------------------------------------------- Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though. ----------------------------------------------------- “Put on this rubber suit and mask,†I instructed, calmly. “Mmmm, kinky!†she purred. “Yes,†I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.†----------------------------------------------------- “I’m a very naughty girl,†she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.†So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend. ----------------------------------------------------- “Harder!†she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!†“Okay,†I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?†----------------------------------------------------- I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat. ---------------------------------------------------- “Are you sure you can take the pain?†she demanded, brandishing stilettos. “I think so,†I gulped. “Here we go, then,†she said and showed me the receipt. ---------------------------------------------------- “Hurt me!†she begged, as she bent over my workbench. “Very well,†I replied. “You’ve got fat ankles and no dress sense.†-------------------------------------------------- “Are you sure you want this?†I asked. “When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.†She nodded. “Okay,†I said, putting the three-piece lounge suite on eBay. --------------------------------------------------- “Punish me!†she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!†“Very well,†I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

Some old, some new groans! A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.' The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!' The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!' ------------------------------------------------------------ Lemon Squeeze There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.' The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.' The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.' The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?' The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.' ------------------------------------------------------------ Catholic Dog Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin’ a mass for the poor creature?' Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.' Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?' Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya’ tell me the dog was Catholic? ------------------------------------------------------------ Donation Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?' 'It is!' 'This is the IRS. Can you help us?' 'I can!' 'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?' 'I do!' 'Is he a member of your congregation?' 'He is!' 'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?' 'He will.' ------------------------------------------------------------ Confession An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two hitch-hiking college girls. We went to a motel where I had sex with each of them three times.' Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?' Man: 'What sins?' Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?' Man: 'I'm Jewish.' Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?' Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!' ------------------------------------------------------------ Brothel Trip An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. 'I'm 90 years old,' he says. '90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realise that you've had it?' 'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?' ------------------------------------------------------------ Senility An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.' ------------------------------------------------------------ Pest Control A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. 'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him. 'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator. 'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked. 'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied. 'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! ' ------------------------------------------------------------ Marriage Humor Wife: 'What are you doing?' Husband: Nothing. Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.' Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.' ------------------------------------------------------------ Wife: 'Do you want dinner?' Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?' Wife: 'Yes or no.' ------------------------------------------------------------ Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.' Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.' Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.' ------------------------------------------------------------ A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?' 'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!' ------------------------------------------------------------ A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?' He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!' ------------------------------------------------------------ Husbands are husbands A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied , 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your trouser pocket.’ The man then said 'When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

The old ones are the best.

Now you've been told. Keep your snatch under wraps at all times and if possible keep your hand on it too. Or at least make sure someone has their hand on it for fear of getting it snatched out of your hand. Nothing as bad as a snatched snatch.

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.' The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!' The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Wrong answer:- Be sure your sins will find you out!! WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again? HUSBAND: Definitely not! WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married? HUSBAND: Of course I do. WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry? HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again. WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face). HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan). WIFE: Would you live in our house? HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house. WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed? HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep? WIFE: Would you let her drive my car? HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new. WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers? HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do. WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs? HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed. WIFE: - silence - - HUSBAND: ----F*ck......

Good Irish jokes. WE are not offended.

'Jesus Knows You're Here' A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.' Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. 'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot. 'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.' The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?' 'Moses', replied the bird. 'Moses'?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird 'Moses'?' 'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'.'

... When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land. ~ Desmond Tutu ***** America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked. ~ David Letterman ***** I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I'm a billionaire. ~ Howard Hughes ***** After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box. ~ Italian proverb ***** Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years. ~ Betsy Salkind ***** The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats. ~ Jean Kerr ***** I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage. ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor ***** You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't. ~ Jeff Foxworthy ***** When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. ~ Prince Philip ***** A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. ~ Emo Philips. ***** Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself. ~ Harrison Ford ***** The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree. ~ Spike Milligan ***** Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke. ~ Robin Hall True ***** Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror. ~ Jean Rostand. ***** Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger. ***** We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea. ~ WH Auden ***** In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked. ~ Jonathan Katz ***** If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead. ~ Johnny Carson ***** I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke ***** Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. ~ Steve Martin ***** Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. ~ Jimmy Durante ***** America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric. ~ Doug Hamwell ***** The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone. ~ George Roberts ***** If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport. ~ Jonathan Winters ***** I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchley

This is for all our golfers.. Number :10 Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake." Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long, sir?" Number : 9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy: "Try heaven sir, you've already moved most of the earth." Number : 8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?" Caddy: "Yes sir . . . . You miss the ball much closer now." Number : 7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?" Caddy: "Eventually, sir." Number : 6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world." Caddy: "I don't think so sir . . . That would be too much of a coincidence." Number : 5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction." Caddy: "It's not a watch sir - it's a compass." Number : 4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?" Caddy: "It's very good sir - but personally, I prefer golf." Number : 3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday? Caddy: "I'm afraid the way you play sir, it's a sin on any day." Number : 2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on." Caddy: "But this isn't the golf course . . . . We left that an hour ago sir." And the Number : 1 . . . . Best Caddy Comment: Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old." Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir." Bonus . . . An old favorite . . . about the Golfer who has been slicing off the tee at every hole .... He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy . . . Golfer: "Can you see any obvious problems . .. . ?" Caddy: "There's a piece of shit on the end of your club." The Golfer picks up his club and cleans the club face . . . Caddy: "No sir, it’s at the other end"

FIFTY SHADES OF CHOCOLATE Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker. It was just After Eight. > They got off at Quality Street . He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said, with a Wispa. ... ... 'I'm Marathon , the one with the nuts' he replied. He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her. > Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple. > He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs. > Soon they were Heart Throbs. > It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight. > But, 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch. Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts