Hamokhamok

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. 'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.' 'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.' 'No problem,' he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom.. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way right there on the dinner table. After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming. But still, Total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket... Suddenly the father shouts.... 'I'll do the fucking dishes!'

Wonderful Church Ladies With Typewriters. They're back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS & TYPOS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: ---------------------------------------------------------------------- The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. -------------------------- The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.' -------------------------- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. -------------------------- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you. -------------------------- Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. -------------------------- Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. -------------------------- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. -------------------------- Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. -------------------------- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. -------------------------- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. -------------------------- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice. -------------------------- Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. -------------------------- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. -------------------------- Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. -------------------------- The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. -------------------------- Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. -------------------------- The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. -------------------------- This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. -------------------------- Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. Is done. -------------------------- The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. -------------------------- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. -------------------------- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. -------------------------- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. -------------------------- The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!

FAMILY TREE OF VINCENT VAN GOGH His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------- Verti Gogh The brother who ate prunes ------------------------------ Gotta Gogh The brother who worked at a convenience store ------- Stop N Gogh The grandfather from Yugoslavia ------------------------------ U Gogh His magician uncle --------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh His Mexican cousin -------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh The Mexican cousin's American half-brother --------------- Gring Gogh The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------------- Wells-far Gogh The constipated uncle ------------------------------------- Can't Gogh The ballroom dancing aunt ---------------------------------- Tang Gogh The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh The fruit- loving cousin ------------------------------------- Man Gogh An aunt who taught positive thinking -------------------- Way-to-Gogh The little bouncy nephew ------------------------------------- Poe Gogh The sister who loved disco ------------------------------------ Go Gogh And his niece who travels the country in an RV ---------- Winnie Bay Gogh I saw you smiling . . . There ya Gogh!

I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capital letters. For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement: "Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse".. Is everybody clear on that?

1. The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change." 2. When I was in the pub I heard a couple of dickheads saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist twats. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing! 3. Little Johnny is sitting in geography class when the teacher asks him, "Where is Pakistan?" He replies, "Outside playing with Paki-Dave". 4. Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern. 5. Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it! 6. A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked." 7. Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!" 8. Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service though. 9. 19 Paddies all go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film guide said 18 or over." 10. An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, His elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as Soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.' She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'

Here's a good laugh to start your day The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack. 'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?' Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?' The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .' In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them. Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?' The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .. 'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?' The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.' The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting...... 'Grumpy shagged a penguin!' 'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." ************************** In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." ************************** On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels ************************** On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." ************************** On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." ************************** On a Church's Bill board: "7 days without God makes one weak." ************************** At a Tyre Store "Invite us to your next blowout." ************************** On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." ************************** In a Non-smoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." ************************** On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push." ************************** At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." ************************** On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." ************************** On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!" ************************** At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." ************************** Outside a Car Exhaust Store: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming." ************************** In a Vets waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" ************************** In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up." ************************** In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait." ************************** And don't forget the sign at a RADIATOR SHOP: "Best place in town to take a leak." ********************** Sign on the back of yet another Septic Tank Truck: "Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

COFFEE IN ROME Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St.Peters Square. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room,everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'." Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence,the four men give her a subtle, "Well " She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38" DD bust, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, everybody says, "Oh My God."

Two older women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman said, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob-job." The second woman responded, "Oh, that's nothing. I'm thinking of having my arsehole bleached!" r "Whoa," replied the first woman. "I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

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"Who is Jack Schitt you ask? The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, " You don't know jack schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O Schitt, the owner of kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt,Giva Schitt,Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' wishes, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout their childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg,Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son left home to tour the world, and recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt. So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them."

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Larry?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!" Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter", asked Larry "Giving up?" The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Larry quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!" Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes" said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?" Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy." Larry, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the Milkman wants to buy Mom ......."

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance. Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over. A friend of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time. A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said, “A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.†My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Nuts to this I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web. Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy. Went around to a friends house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if i'd like to wind it. I thought that was a bit harsh so i gave it a dead leg instead. Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried. "What's the matter?" I asked. "I've got the big C,"he said. "What, cancer?" "No, dyslexia." I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move. I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs. The birds love it! The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week, all the forms will be printed in English. Husband says to wife, “My Olympic condoms have arrived – I think I’ll wear gold tonightâ€. Wife says, “Why don’t you wear silver and come second for a changeâ€. I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’. On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’. I thought, “What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country?†The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually abused from behind on stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him

SCOTTISH BAR STOOL FOR KILTS.

Voted Best Scottish Short Joke A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, "Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv any books on suicide?" To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, "F*** off, ye'll no bring it back!"

The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning. I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff." "Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked. "I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other wanker using my stuff." She looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another wanker?"

Little Emily went home from school and told her mum that the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them. Mum said, "You should say No - they only want to look at your knickers." Emily said, "I know they do. That's why I hide them in my bag"!

Spot the Pussy (Click on picture to enlarge)

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If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting? How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? What disease did cured ham actually have? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Why did you just try singing the two songs above? Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Adult Riddles ~ . ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: What's a mixed feeling? A: When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: What's the height of conceit? A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: What's the definition of 'Macho'? A: Jogging home from your vasectomy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex? A: They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: Why is divorce so expensive? A: Because it's worth it! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: What is a Yankee? A: The same as a quickie, but a Guy can do it alone. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common? A: They both like a tight seal. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common? A: Their balls are just for decoration. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: What is the difference between 'ooooooh' and 'aaaaaaah'? A: About three inches. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: What's the difference between purple and pink? A: The grip. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony? A: It's not hard.. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife? A: 45 pounds. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: What's the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband? A: 45 minutes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: What is the difference between medium and rare? A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? A: They don't have balls to scratch! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nursing home sex... Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Margaret , age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Margaret and asks, 'Do you know what I miss most of all?' She asks, 'What?' 'Sex!!' he replies Margaret exclaims, 'Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!' 'I know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.' Well, I can oblige,' says Margaret , who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Margaret would hold Harold's manhood. Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Margaret decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K. She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood! Furious, Margaret yelled, 'You two-timing son-of-a-bitch! What does Ethel have that I don't have?' Old Harold smiled happily and replied, 'Parkinsons.'