The_Munchmaster

"Granny, do all fairy tales start with 'once upon a time'?" "No darling, there is a whole serious of fairy tales that begin with "If elected, I promise. . ."

Council: "So when did you realize you were raped?" Plaintiff: "When the check bounced."

Some years ago, Stan married an attractive woman, Marilyn, half his age, in a small Cornwall community. After several months, young Marilyn complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother, all Cornish women are entitled to a climax once in a while. So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in Truro. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his Mother and Father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding, with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax. So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile, young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, and then climax. So the couple hired a strong young man from Newquay to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, Marilyn still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for Marilyn to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Stan waved the big towel. They tried it that night and Marilyn went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours. When it was over, Stan looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: 'And that, my son, is how you wave a towel!'

Joe is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear. The blonde realises he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?" "Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes. "It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss. Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him. "Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Joe moves over and she asks, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?" Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed. 'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man. 'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free! 'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand. 'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife. The man replied, 'I just want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. â??Mummy, where do babies come from?â? The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, â??Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.â? The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, â??That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommyâ??s vagina. Thatâ??s how you get a baby, honey.â? The child seems to comprehend. â??Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddyâ??s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?â? â??Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.â?Â

Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling." No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Irish accent asked, "What might ye be sellin' here?" One of the Englishmen responded sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes." Without skipping a beat, the Irishman replied, "You're doing well then...only two left."

A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed. After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, â??Do you know what I am doing?" "Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked. "Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?" "Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came here in the first place."

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. 'I'm lost,' said the man. 'Can you put me up for the night?' 'Certainly,' the Chinese man said, 'but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.' 'Ok,' said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy. He woke in the morning with the feel of pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, 'Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest.' 'Well, that's pretty crappy,' he thought. 'If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about.' He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: 'Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.' In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, 'Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost.'

A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, â??Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want". The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would require! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. To justify your desire for worldly things, take a little more time and try to think of something that could possibly help mankind." The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong and how I can make a woman truly happy". The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

The next time you see a little old lady with shaky hands, you'll remember this story. A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: "Dddoo youu hhhave ddiilldos?" The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models." The old woman then asks: "Dddddoo yyyouu ccaarry a pppinkk onne, tttenn inchessss llong a aand aabbout twoo inchess ththiick... aaand rruns by bbaatteries? The clerk responds, "Yes we do" She asks: " Dddoo yyoooouu kknnoooww hhhow ttoo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offffff?"

k=F6nnen is a German word?

Clubbers in Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to inject liquid ecstasy directly into their mouths. This process is known as E by Gum!

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room. She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?' Flynn said, 'Why would you say such a mean thing?' 'Well,' Mary said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' The man said, 'I do, Father.' The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.' Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' 'Certainly, Father,' was the man's reply. 'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.' The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?' O 'Toole replied, 'Oh, when I die, yes! Sorry I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!' Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

A rather casually dressed man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.â?? and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, glanced even more coolly at the man, and then sent a note back to him. The waiter took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. It read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'. After reading the note, the man wrote a short reply, folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. It read: 'Just to let you know things are not always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Mirabelle, a Bentley Convertible, a Mercedes SL600, and a Porsche Carrera 4. They are kept in several garages. I have a beautiful home in Aspen, a villa in Italy, a condominium in South Florida and a 10,000 acre ranch in California. There are over one hundred and sixty million dollars in my bank account and my portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle backâ?Â.

I have posted this one before, apologies. A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?" The shopkeeper's heart melts. He gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?" The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers... "I don't weally fink my pyfon gives a phuk."

I'm sorry, but I cannot reveal my sources.

All 5 of them or just the one about the Kiwi and the Aussie?

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.' The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres'. The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit? The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.' The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?' The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere. The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' The farmer said,â?? Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere' The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?' The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30..' By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question. The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?' The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce..'

An Kiwi ventriloquist visiting Australia, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Aussie "G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?" Aussie: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Kiwi." Kiwi: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?" Dog: "Yeah, doin' all right." Aussie: (look of extreme shock) Kiwi: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the Villager) Dog: "Yep" Kiwi: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food. And takes me to the lake once a week to play." Aussie: (look of utter disbelief) Kiwi: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Aussie: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think." Kiwi: "Hey horse, how's it going?" Horse: "Cool" Aussie: (absolutely dumbfounded) Kiwi: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the villager) Horse: "Yep" Kiwi: How does he treat you? Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the elements." Aussie: (total look of amazement) Kiwi: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?" Aussie: (in a panic) "The sheep's a feckin' liar.."

The Archbishop of Canterbury has partially got his way, British weather has been declared Muslim. It's either Sunni or Shiite!!

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, 'Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'? She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said. 'Very good!' Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?' Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar. The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.' She heard a loud whisper: 'F*ck the Indians,' 'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.' At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.' The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?' Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.' Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? S*ck this!' Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to monica Lewinsky, 1997!' Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.' Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifyinG against him, 2004.' The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone Said, 'Oh shit, we're f*cked!' And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was George Bush, Iraq, 2007.'

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that youâ??re from Ireland. The other man responds 'Yis Oi am so I am.' The first guy says, 'So am I. And where about from Ireland might you be?' The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.' The first guy responds, 'Sure and begora, and so am I. And what street did you live on in Dublin?' The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.' The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world, so did I. So did I. And to what school would you have been going?' The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.' The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?' The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964.' The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self.' About this time, a fella walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to der fella, shaking his head and mutters. 'It's going to be a long night tonight.' The fella says, 'Why do you say that, Brian?' 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'