The_Munchmaster

k=F6nnen is a German word?

Clubbers in Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to inject liquid ecstasy directly into their mouths. This process is known as E by Gum!

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room. She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?' Flynn said, 'Why would you say such a mean thing?' 'Well,' Mary said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' The man said, 'I do, Father.' The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.' Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' 'Certainly, Father,' was the man's reply. 'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.' The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?' O 'Toole replied, 'Oh, when I die, yes! Sorry I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!' Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

A rather casually dressed man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.â?? and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, glanced even more coolly at the man, and then sent a note back to him. The waiter took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. It read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'. After reading the note, the man wrote a short reply, folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. It read: 'Just to let you know things are not always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Mirabelle, a Bentley Convertible, a Mercedes SL600, and a Porsche Carrera 4. They are kept in several garages. I have a beautiful home in Aspen, a villa in Italy, a condominium in South Florida and a 10,000 acre ranch in California. There are over one hundred and sixty million dollars in my bank account and my portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle backâ?Â.

I have posted this one before, apologies. A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?" The shopkeeper's heart melts. He gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?" The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers... "I don't weally fink my pyfon gives a phuk."

I'm sorry, but I cannot reveal my sources.

All 5 of them or just the one about the Kiwi and the Aussie?

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.' The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres'. The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit? The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.' The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?' The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere. The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' The farmer said,â?? Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere' The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?' The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30..' By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question. The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?' The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce..'

An Kiwi ventriloquist visiting Australia, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Aussie "G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?" Aussie: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Kiwi." Kiwi: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?" Dog: "Yeah, doin' all right." Aussie: (look of extreme shock) Kiwi: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the Villager) Dog: "Yep" Kiwi: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food. And takes me to the lake once a week to play." Aussie: (look of utter disbelief) Kiwi: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Aussie: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think." Kiwi: "Hey horse, how's it going?" Horse: "Cool" Aussie: (absolutely dumbfounded) Kiwi: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the villager) Horse: "Yep" Kiwi: How does he treat you? Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the elements." Aussie: (total look of amazement) Kiwi: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?" Aussie: (in a panic) "The sheep's a feckin' liar.."

The Archbishop of Canterbury has partially got his way, British weather has been declared Muslim. It's either Sunni or Shiite!!

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, 'Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'? She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said. 'Very good!' Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?' Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar. The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.' She heard a loud whisper: 'F*ck the Indians,' 'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.' At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.' The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?' Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.' Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? S*ck this!' Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to monica Lewinsky, 1997!' Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.' Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifyinG against him, 2004.' The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone Said, 'Oh shit, we're f*cked!' And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was George Bush, Iraq, 2007.'

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that youâ??re from Ireland. The other man responds 'Yis Oi am so I am.' The first guy says, 'So am I. And where about from Ireland might you be?' The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.' The first guy responds, 'Sure and begora, and so am I. And what street did you live on in Dublin?' The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.' The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world, so did I. So did I. And to what school would you have been going?' The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.' The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?' The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964.' The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self.' About this time, a fella walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to der fella, shaking his head and mutters. 'It's going to be a long night tonight.' The fella says, 'Why do you say that, Brian?' 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'

It was about an Aussie and a Kiwi.

Good point Teddy, I posted three jokes.

A boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a Million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that. So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!" The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heart beat! Are you nuts?!?" The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?" The boy pondered the answers for a few days, and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically? The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts and a poof."

An Aussie and a Kiwi were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer. After a while the Aussie says to the Kiwi "If I was to sneak over to your house and shag your wife while you were off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?" "The Kiwi crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about being related, but it would certainly make us even."

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.' The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Little Johnnie. Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?' 'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.' 'That's great', said Little Johnnie, 'coz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses'.

A Short Love Story. A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.....him in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own fucking' blanket." After a moment of silence, he farted.

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Montecassino went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, During World War Two a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis, so I hid her in my attic." The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that." "There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays." The priest said, "By doing that, you placed yourselves in grave spiritual danger. However, two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. If you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven." "Thank you, Father, that's a great load off my mind. But I do have one question." "And what is that, my son?" asked the priest. "Should I tell her the war is over?"

Conversation between a woman and her husband Woman: "If I died would you remarry?" Husband: "No, certainly not." Woman: "Why, is being married that bad?" Husband: "No, of course it isn't, so yes, I suppose I would remarry if you died." Woman: "Would she live in our house?" Husband: "Yes, I suppose so." Woman: "Would she sleep in our bed?" Husband: "Yes, after all where else would she sleep?" Woman: "Would she wear my jewelry?" Husband: "Yes, if she liked it." Woman: "Would she play with my golf clubs?" Husband: "No, she's left handed."

Women's Institute National Conference The first speaker, a lady from Nottingham, stood up and said, 'During last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband Trevor that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing, after the second day I saw nothing, but on the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb' (the crowd cheered). The second speaker from York, stood up and said 'After last year's conference I went home and told my husband Ivan that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing, after the second day I saw nothing, but on the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well' (the crowd again cheered). The third speaker from Glasgow, stood up and said 'After last years conference I went home and told that lazy bastard husband of mine, that I was no longer picking up his beer cans, cooking his food and washing his undies and that he was gonna have to do them himself (the crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes). She continued.....'After the first day I saw nothing, after the second day I saw nothing but after the third day I could see a little bit outta my left eye.'

During a visit to a mental institution the visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

A man, getting on in years, finds that he is unable to perform in the bedroom. So he goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last resort, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then the African medicine man says "This is powerful healing but you can only use it ONCE a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The man then asks "What happens when it's over and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies "When your partner can take no more and is completely exhausted, all she has to say is '1234' and it will then go down. But be warned, it will not rise again for another whole year!" The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife and says "123" and he feels a sudden movement in his trouser department, just as the medicine man promised. His wife turns over and asks "What did you say '123' for?"