The_Munchmaster

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune. One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and Iâ??ll inherit 20 million dollars." Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, "Excuse me Miss, do you have any books on suicide?" To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, "Feck off, you'll no bring it back!"

Robert Gates briefed the President this morning. He told Mr. Bush that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. To everyoneâ??s amazement, all of the color ran from Bushâ??s face, then he collapsed on his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering. Finally he composed himself, looked up and asked, â??Just exactly how many is a brazilian?â?Â

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush. They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America. President Bush said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will." The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is Black, Sulu who is Chinese, but no Arabs." "My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Syrians or Iraqis on Star Trek." President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, "Because it takes place in the future."

A bloke goes into the Job Centre in Glasgow and sees a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant. Interested he goes to learn more. "Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the guy behind the desk. The Job Centre guy sifts through his files and replies, "Uh - yes here it is...OK, the job entails you getting the female patients ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and wash their nether regions. Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair then rub ins oothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist' sexamination. There's an annual salary of £45,000 but I'm afraid you'll have to go to London." "Oh why, is that where the job's based?" "No - that's where the end of the queue is."

Shite videos, buffer every 3 or 4 secs. :thumbdown:

The General Managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales), XXXX Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) were at a national beer conference. They decide to all go to lunch together and the waitress asks what they want to drink. The General Manager of Tooheys says without hesitation, 'I'll have a Tooheys New.' The General Manager of Cascade smiles and says, 'I'll have a Cascade Draught, brewed from pure mountain water.' The General Manager of Coopers proudly says, 'I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers.' The bloke from CUB says, 'I'll have a Carlton Draught, the cleanest draught on the planet.' The General Manager from XXXX glances at his lunch mates and says, 'I'll have a Diet Coke.' The others look at him like he has sprouted a new head. He just shrugs and says, 'Well if you poofters aren't drinking beer, then neither will I.'

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong. Sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it. An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The receptionist replied, "You've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private." The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?" "I can't piss out of it," he replied.

The year is 2222 and after accumulating enough frequent flier miles, Teddy and his missus (we'll call her Betty) land on Mars. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Betty brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Betty. "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Betty and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie willy - about half an inch long and just quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Betty. "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it looks like a long pencil, it's still pretty narrow..." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows Wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Betty, "but it was damn good. How about you?" "It was horrible," Teddy replies. "She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears. All I got was a headache. "

This story happened a while ago in Brisbane, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, itâ??s true. John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!! The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him. Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and....wasn't drunk. Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other..."Look Bruce.....there's the f*cking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!"

Good one Flasher :thumbup:

The first joke was crap.

For those of you who may understand the Scots vernacular and psyche....... Subject: Boaby & Davy go to France (Conjoined Twins) An on duty Gendarme spots a hire car approaching the Champs Elysees with a rear light out. He beckons the driver to pull over which he does and winds his window down. The Officer has a good look inside the car and notices that the driver and passenger are conjoined twins, Boaby & Davy. Instead of making an issue over the light out situation he begins to engage in some friendly chat. Gendarme: Ah, you are on holiday my friends? Davy: Aye, that's right big man. We've been coming every September weekend for the last 9 years. Gendarme: So I guess you come to France to get away from ze rainy weather you have in Ecosse? Davy: Naw, it nearly always pishes doon when we come here. Your weather's nae better than oors, in't that right Boaby? Boaby: Aye. Gendarme: Zen I take it you are here to enjoy our delicious French food, very healthy. Davy: Naw, yer food's rotten big man, everything reeks of garlic. We've brought a box full of sarnies to avoid eating your crap. Gendarme: Zen you must be here to drink our famous wines and cognac, surely. Davy: Yer swally's boggin, we've hid tae bring a kerry oot. In't that right Boaby? Boaby: Aye. Gendarme (by now ever so slightly bemused): Well in that case you must be here to see the Parisienne madamoiselles, ze most beautiful women in Europe. Davy: Yer kiddin in't ye! The burds here are dogs, ah widnae touch them wae yours big man. Gendarme (by now rather irate): Zen why do you people come to our country if everysing ees so bad? Boaby: Coz, it's the only chance oor Davy gets tae drive!

That one gave me a good chuckle. :thumbup:

One morning a contractor called an architectural firm and asked to speak to an architect regarding a particular project. The receptionist, with a voice full of regret, said, "I'm sorry, sir, but the architect recently died a slow, agonizing death out on a project site." The contractor stated his condolences and hung up. About an hour later the same contractor called back and asked to speak to an architect regarding the same project. Again, the receptionist gave the contractor the bad news: "I'm sorry, sir, but the architect recently died a slow, agonizing death out on a project site." As before, the contractor mumbled his regrets and hung up. This pattern repeated itself each hour throughout the morning, until, at last, the receptionist recognized the contractor's voice, whereupon she said to him, "Sir, why do you keep calling here when you know I'm going to say the architect has recently died a slow, agonizing death out on a project site?" The contractor, exploding with long-suppressed maniacal laughter, gasped and said, "Because I love to hear you say it!"

"Hello?" "Hi Honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?" "No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul." After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul." "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy, right now." Brief Pause. .. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway." "Okay Daddy, just a minute." A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy." "And what happened honey?" "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!" "Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?" "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead." ***Long Pause*** ***Longer Pause*** ***Even Longer Pause*** Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"

TB, there's a difference between 'not using more words than necessary, and 'using less words than necessary'. :smirk:

I thought this was the jokes section?

Young Donald MacLeod of Skye is spending his first time away from the croft, a student at an English university. After about a month or so his mother travels down to see him in his halls of residence just to be sure he is leading a good Christian life. "Now then Donald, how are you faring down here?" "Oh mother," says Donald, "It's just terrible!" "Why ever so?" asks his anxious mother?" "Och it's these English students on each side of my room, they are fair noisy. On the left hand side there's one who keeps banging his head off the wall all night long." "You don't say!" says his mother horrified. "Aye I do mother, and on the other side the other English boy screams and screams all the night long!" "My, you don't say!" his mother says shaking her head. "And what do you do about it?" "Oh nothing mother," replies Donald, "I just sit here quietly playing my bagpipes to myself."

Wee Shuggie gets pulled over by the police one night. "Excuse me sir, but have you been drinking?" asks the policeman. "Ahyeraaaghhh" says the sozzled Shuggie, "I just had a wee one at my mates. I've got ten mates! Ha-ha-ha-haaaaaaaaar [hic!] Then we went to Brian's bar and got a wee drink or three there [hic!] Then Brian booted us oot! So we went back to Stevie's place and [hic!] Stevie boy has got some correction of drinksh - huge correction of whisksies. You should come up one night [hic!] Aye, he's a good mate - gave me a whole bottle tae take hame mahself [hic!]" he pulls a whisky bottle up from the floor of the car, "See? Oh, s'drunk it already...So yesh, Ah, Ah, - Ah've been drinking!" The copper shakes his head and gives out a long sigh. "Sir, I need to ask you to get out the car and take a breathalyser test. "Why?" says the befuddled Shuggie, "d'ye no believe me?"

Wee Shuggie (Glasgow name) enters a raffle at the fishing club, first prize is a colour television. He doesn't win the TV but wins the booby prize - a toilet brush - instead! Nevertheless he is delighted, as he has never won at a raffle in his life. Some weeks go by and Big Hughie meets him, "Hey Shuggie!" he says smiling, "How you gettin' oan wi' that toilet brush?" "Aye fine," says Shuggie, "but aw the same, I think I prefer toilet paper."

Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere.

I also like to slowly suck (and nibble) on a pink one.

:hubba:

Absolutely, this is a potato crisps poll, no other vegetables allowed to be mentioned. Surprised that no one likes hedgehog flavour, not that I've tried them myself.