The_Munchmaster

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door: Sip the vodka, don't gulp. There are 10 commandments, not 12. There are 12 disciples, not 10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T." When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me". The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry". The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Actually, it was originally based on an Australian.

Q: How do you confuse an Irish man? A: Put two spades up against a wall and tell him to take his pick!

St. Peter is inspecting the pearly gates of heaven, along with one of those Heaven supervisors. As it turns out, the gates need some work done, so St. Peter says he'll get right on it. The sup says that, according to regulation, three bids must be submitted before any work can be done. St. Peter, in shock because he doubts there will be ANY contractors in Heaven -- much less three -- agrees and proceeds to get his bids. The first guy he finds is an Irishman. The Irish guy looks at the gates, inspects them, and bids $1200 for the project: $400 for parts, $400 for labor, and $400 for himself. St. Peter thanks the guy and says that once he has received two more bids, he'll get back to him. The next guy St. Peter finds -- after an extensive search, mind you -- is an Italian. The Italian inspects the damage and bids $900: $300 for parts, $300 for labor, and $300 for himself. St. Peter thanks him and says that once another bid is received he'll make the decision of whom to contract with. Finally, after an exhaustive search of Heaven, St. Peter finds the third and final contractor -- a Jewish guy. The Jew looks at the damage, inspects the gates, and bids $2900. "$2900!" cries St. Peter. "Yes. $1000 for you, $1000 for me, and $900 for the Italian to do the work."

Three expectant fathers, a white guy, a black guy, and a Frenchman, were in the hospital waiting room. A doctor comes in and announces that he has some good news and some bad news, "The good news is that you each are the father of a healthy baby boy. The bad news is that we've mixed them up." The three new fathers walk into the nursery. The white guy goes right to the black baby, picks him up and starts rocking him. "What are you doing?" the black guy asks, "That is obviously my son." "I know," said the white guy, "but I didn't want to accidentally get the French kid."

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a Polish joke?" The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs, and I'm Polish. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, weighs 225, and he's Polish. The fella next to him is 6'5" tall, weighs 250, and he's Polish. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?" The first guy says, "Nah, I don't want to have to explain it three times."

Posted 2 weeks ago!

Two old Scotsmen - MacDougal and McTavish - are sitting in the pub having a few pints of McEwanâ??s. MacDougal says: â??Ow long we been friends?â? to which McTavish responds: â??Och! I dunno - 80, 90 year?â? â??Ah,â? says MacDougal, â??and good friends are we, nae?â? â??Aye, the best of friends,â? replies his drinking partner. After a sip, MacDougal says: â??Look, McTavish. Iâ??m an old man, in me dyinâ?? days. Iâ??m not planning to be around much longer. So as me best friend, can I ask ye a favour?â? â??Anything, Mac. Anything at all,â? says McTavish. So MacDougal asks: â??When I die, would you take a bottle oâ?? whiskey and pour it slowly over me grave?â? McTavish replies: â??Surely, old friend! Now as me best pal, can I ask you a favour back? Would you mind if I passed it through me kidneys first?â?Â

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire, and was burnt very badly, and at the morgue they needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Seamus and Sean were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet, Seamus said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad, roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over and Seamus looked and said, "Nope, thatâ??s not Paddy." The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad, roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over and Sean looked and said, "Nope, thatâ??s not Paddy." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Sean said, "Well he had two arse holes." "What? He had two arse holes?" said the mortician. "Yup, everyone knew he had two arse holes. Every time we went into town, folks would say...."Here comes Paddy with them two arse holes.."

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Scotsman were on a long train journey. As time passed conversation turned, as it always does, to sex. More time passed and they discussed how to turn women on. 'Well' said the Englishman, 'I cover my wife's important little places with honey and lick it off, very, very slowly'. It drives my wife into ecstasy every time. 'Me' said the Frenchman, 'I tickle my wife in those important little places with a feather. It drives her absolutely wild'. 'Well' says the Scotsman, 'I throw my wife on the bed, shag her senseless, whip my cock out and wipe it on the curtains. It drives her fucking mental'.

Englishman: "I've got 10 kids, one more and I'll have a football team." American: "I've got 15 kids, one more and I'll have an American football team." Arab: "I've got 17 wives, one more and I'll have a golf course."

:onfire:

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day. So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly asked the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died. "No problem.", said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home and catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me! Well I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more so in a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly." The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day, and it WAS a crime of passion, so he announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven.", and let him in. A few seconds later the next guy came up. "OK. Here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died." "Sure thing.", the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!" The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy.", he thinks to himself. "Very well.", the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven",and he lets the man enter. A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell me about the day you died.", said the angel. "OK. Picture this.", says the man. "I'm naked inside a refrigerator..."

Wee Hughie was in the garden filling in a hole when his English neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the mad man was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Hughie?" "My goldfish died", replied Wee Hughie tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The English neighbour was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Wee Hughie patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "Aye, that's because he's inside your fucking cat."

An Englishman and a Scotsman are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Scotsman goes to the boot of his car and fetches a 12 year old bottle of single malt whisky. He hands the bottle to the Englishman, who exclaims, "May the Scots and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony." The Englishman then tips the bottle and gulps down half the whisky. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he hands the bottle back to the Scotsman, but the Scotsman doesn't drink any. "Are you not going to have a drink with me" says the Englishman. "No thanks", replies the Scotsman, "I'll just wait till the Police get here."

Two antennae met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

In a gay sort of way. :smirk:

Yeah, a small cox probably would make your day TB.

I thought it was shite!

Actually my big toes do look a bit mangled due to severe ingrowing toenails.

Possibly the worst joke I have ever heard. :thumbdown: :onfire:

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly in my all weather gear, made my lunch, locked up the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load my golf bag into the car, and proceeded to back out into a oriental downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 kph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' She sleepily replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out playing golf in that?'

What's Wyatt Earp got to do with my joke?

A cowboy was sitting in a saloon one Saturday night when he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar, who in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him about his ambition to be great gunfighter. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked. The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "Sure will," replied the old-timer. The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?" "Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man. "You bet it will," said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?" The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "No," said the old-timer, "but it won't hurt as much when Billy the Kid gets done playing the piano and shoves that gun up your ass".