The_Munchmaster

A Policeman in London last night pulled over a driver who had been weaving in and out of the traffic. He approached the car window and said "Sir I need you to blow into this breathalyzer". The man reaches into his pocket and produces a doctor's note. On it was written: "This man suffers from chronic asthma. Do not make him perform any action that may leave him short of breath". The Copper said "Okay then I need you to come and give a blood sample." The man produced another letter. This one said: "This man is a hemophiliac. Please do not cause him to bleed in any way." So the officer said: "Right, I need a urine sample then." The man produces a third letter from his pocket. It read: "This man used to manage the England Football team, please do not take the piss out of him."

Incorrect TB. It was actually written by my uncle and he copyrighted it. When an Aussie asked if he could reprint it based on an Aussie man in a Kiwi pub my uncle refused to give permission.

A Scot is drinking in an English Bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear & orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Scottish baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Scot just shrugs, "That's about average up North, folks. Like I said, my boy's a typical Scottish baby boy." Congratulations showered him from all around & many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later the Scot returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Scottish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you... so how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled & concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born." The Scots father takes a slow swig from his pint of Real Ale, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender & proudly says, "We had him circumcised".

A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain in a small town. He's going through his usual run of off-colour and "dumb blonde" jokes, when a well-presented blonde woman in the fourth row stands up and says: "I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes, YOU CRETIN! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What connection can a person's hair colour possibly have with their fundamental worth as a human being? It is morons like you that prevent women like myself from being respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full potential... "Because you and your anachronistic kind continue to perpetuate negative images against not only blondes, but women in general, for the sake of cheap laughs. You are a pathetic relic of the past, and what you do is not only in breach of the discrimination laws in every civilized country, it is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic respect for their fellow citizens." "You should hang your head in shame, you pusillanimous little maggot." Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologise, when the blonde yells: "You stay out of this Mister! I'm talking to that little creep on your knee."

An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman. No matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm." They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay," he says to the husband. "Let's try the reverse. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. They go home and hire the strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man goes at it with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting, screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly: "You see, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!"

The new Marine Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there. "Well, sir," is the nervous reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have ....... urges. That's why we have the camel, sir." The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he is done, he asks the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?" "Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replies. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."

Hung Chow calls AIB where he works and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach-ache and my legs hurt. I not come work." The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you here today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again, "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

Paddy goes to see the doctor, because he's a little too well-endowed. In fact, it's 25 inches long and he can't get any women to have sex with him. Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but recommends a witch doctor that he thinks might be able to help. The witch doctor takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a leprechaun that lives there. "Ask the leprechaun to marry you and each time the leprechaun says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter." Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest. He finds the pond and sees the leprechaun on the other side, sitting on a log. "Leprechaun, will you marry me?" The leprechaun looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No." Paddy looks down and sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?" The leprechaun rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!" Zappo! -- Paddy's down to 15 inches. Well, that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Leprechaun, will you marry me?" The irritated leprechaun yells back, "Look..how many times do I have to tell you? No, No, NO!"

Short and sweet Teddy boy. :thumbup:

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, being naughty and winking at them. Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

Canadalad is coming up with some pretty good jokes. Almost as good as mine.

The "Tans"?

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he heard: BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... Walking faster, he looked back and through the fog he made out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. BUMP... BUMP.. BUMP.. Terrified, the man began to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him FASTER... FASTER... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... He ran up to his door, fumbled with his keys, opened the door, rushed in and slammmed and locked the door behind him. However, the casket crashed through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... The terrified man ran upstairs to the bathroom and locked himself in, his heart pounding, his head reeling and his breath coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket broke down the door, bumping and clapping towards him. The man screamed and reached for something, anything, but all he could find was a bottle of Robitussin! Desperate, he threw the cough syrup at the casket... and, (hopefully you're ready for this!!!) The coffin stopped!

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door: Sip the vodka, don't gulp. There are 10 commandments, not 12. There are 12 disciples, not 10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T." When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me". The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry". The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Actually, it was originally based on an Australian.

Q: How do you confuse an Irish man? A: Put two spades up against a wall and tell him to take his pick!

St. Peter is inspecting the pearly gates of heaven, along with one of those Heaven supervisors. As it turns out, the gates need some work done, so St. Peter says he'll get right on it. The sup says that, according to regulation, three bids must be submitted before any work can be done. St. Peter, in shock because he doubts there will be ANY contractors in Heaven -- much less three -- agrees and proceeds to get his bids. The first guy he finds is an Irishman. The Irish guy looks at the gates, inspects them, and bids $1200 for the project: $400 for parts, $400 for labor, and $400 for himself. St. Peter thanks the guy and says that once he has received two more bids, he'll get back to him. The next guy St. Peter finds -- after an extensive search, mind you -- is an Italian. The Italian inspects the damage and bids $900: $300 for parts, $300 for labor, and $300 for himself. St. Peter thanks him and says that once another bid is received he'll make the decision of whom to contract with. Finally, after an exhaustive search of Heaven, St. Peter finds the third and final contractor -- a Jewish guy. The Jew looks at the damage, inspects the gates, and bids $2900. "$2900!" cries St. Peter. "Yes. $1000 for you, $1000 for me, and $900 for the Italian to do the work."

Three expectant fathers, a white guy, a black guy, and a Frenchman, were in the hospital waiting room. A doctor comes in and announces that he has some good news and some bad news, "The good news is that you each are the father of a healthy baby boy. The bad news is that we've mixed them up." The three new fathers walk into the nursery. The white guy goes right to the black baby, picks him up and starts rocking him. "What are you doing?" the black guy asks, "That is obviously my son." "I know," said the white guy, "but I didn't want to accidentally get the French kid."

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a Polish joke?" The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs, and I'm Polish. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, weighs 225, and he's Polish. The fella next to him is 6'5" tall, weighs 250, and he's Polish. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?" The first guy says, "Nah, I don't want to have to explain it three times."

Posted 2 weeks ago!

Two old Scotsmen - MacDougal and McTavish - are sitting in the pub having a few pints of McEwanâ??s. MacDougal says: â??Ow long we been friends?â? to which McTavish responds: â??Och! I dunno - 80, 90 year?â? â??Ah,â? says MacDougal, â??and good friends are we, nae?â? â??Aye, the best of friends,â? replies his drinking partner. After a sip, MacDougal says: â??Look, McTavish. Iâ??m an old man, in me dyinâ?? days. Iâ??m not planning to be around much longer. So as me best friend, can I ask ye a favour?â? â??Anything, Mac. Anything at all,â? says McTavish. So MacDougal asks: â??When I die, would you take a bottle oâ?? whiskey and pour it slowly over me grave?â? McTavish replies: â??Surely, old friend! Now as me best pal, can I ask you a favour back? Would you mind if I passed it through me kidneys first?â?Â

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire, and was burnt very badly, and at the morgue they needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Seamus and Sean were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet, Seamus said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad, roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over and Seamus looked and said, "Nope, thatâ??s not Paddy." The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad, roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over and Sean looked and said, "Nope, thatâ??s not Paddy." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Sean said, "Well he had two arse holes." "What? He had two arse holes?" said the mortician. "Yup, everyone knew he had two arse holes. Every time we went into town, folks would say...."Here comes Paddy with them two arse holes.."

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Scotsman were on a long train journey. As time passed conversation turned, as it always does, to sex. More time passed and they discussed how to turn women on. 'Well' said the Englishman, 'I cover my wife's important little places with honey and lick it off, very, very slowly'. It drives my wife into ecstasy every time. 'Me' said the Frenchman, 'I tickle my wife in those important little places with a feather. It drives her absolutely wild'. 'Well' says the Scotsman, 'I throw my wife on the bed, shag her senseless, whip my cock out and wipe it on the curtains. It drives her fucking mental'.

Englishman: "I've got 10 kids, one more and I'll have a football team." American: "I've got 15 kids, one more and I'll have an American football team." Arab: "I've got 17 wives, one more and I'll have a golf course."