The_Munchmaster

Two 70 year old men, Nev and Vic, have been friends all their lives. Vic is dying, so Nev comes to visit him every day. "Vic," says Nev, "You know how we have both loved cricket all our lives, and how we played together for so many years. Vic, you have to do me one favour. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's cricket in Heaven." Vic looks up at Nev from his death bed, and says, "Nev, you've been my best friend many years. If it is at all possible, I'll try to let you know." Shortly after that, Vic passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later. Nev is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of white light. A voice calls out to him, "Nev....Nev...." "Who is it?" says Nev sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Nev, it's me, Vic." "Come on. You're not Vic. Vic just died." "I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Vic!" "Vic? Is that you? Where are you?" "I'm in heaven," says Vic, "and I've got to tell you, I've got some really good news and some really bad news." "So, tell me the good news first," says Nev. "The good news is that there is cricket in Heaven. Better yet, all our old chums who've gone before us are here too. And better still, we're all young men again. Even better, it's always springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play cricket all we want and we never get tired!" "Really?" says Nev, "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest dreams! But, what's the bad news?" "The bad news is you're opening bat next Tuesday"

Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

Guts and Balls - The Medical Distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below. GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?" BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say, "You're next!" Hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference, since both ultimately result in death.

The new head of the American Congressional Defence Committee was asked whether he knew the difference between Sunni and Shia. He replied â??Iâ??m not sure which one's which, but I remember they had a great hit with 'I've Got You Babe'."

Excellent.

Which one are you talking about TB? The one about the Kiwi builder and the Aussie turf layers or the one about the Irish moose hunters or the one about the drunk Irishman?

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddyâ?Â. Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then." Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. He pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again! He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly-crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. "'Bejesus ... I'm screwed," he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs, then crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says, "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He crawls over and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife Jess comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?" Paddy says, "I did Jess. But how'd you know?" "Mick phoned. You left your wheelchair at the pub."

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two lads objected strongly. 'Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.' Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy, Mick and the pilot survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, 'Any idea where we are?' Mick replied, 'I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.'

Pete the Kiwi builder was going through a house he had just built, with the woman who owned it, and she was telling him what colour to paint each room. They went into the first room and she said "I want this room to be painted a light blue." Pete went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be bright red. Pete went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be tan. Pete again went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" When he came back, the lady was pretty curious, so she said to him, "I keep telling you colours, but you just go out the front and yell green side up; what is that for?" Pete replied, "Oh don't worry about that, it's because I've got a couple of Aussies laying the turf out front."

TB, they did better than the Aussie rugby team.

One day a man went on a business trip to Florida. He saw this hooker and he asked, "How much for a hand job?" The hooker replied, "100 Dollars." The man said, "100 Dollars, that's a lot of goddamn money." So the hooker pulled him to the side and said, "See that Mercedes, I paid for that by giving hand jobs." So he gave her the money and received the best hand job he had ever had. The next day he saw her again and asked, "How much for a head job?" She replied, "200 Dollars" "200 Dollars, that's a lot of goddamn money" She pulled him to the side and said, "You see that yacht by the pier, I paid for that yacht by giving head jobs." So he gave her the money and got the best head job of his life. On his last day in Florida he returned to the hooker and said, "The hand job was good, the head job was great, how much for the whole package." "1000 Dollars", she replied. "1000 dollars, that's a lot of goddamn money". So she pulled him to one side and said, "You see that island over there. I could afford that if I had a pussy."

Teddy, there's no way KS is going to get that one.

Roger is buying his cousin's used motorcycle. He says, "My God, it's so shiny! It's like new! What's your secret?" His cousin says, "Well, any time it's about to rain, I coat the chrome with some Vaseline so it won't tarnish. In fact, I won't be needing this any longer, take my pot." Roger and his girlfriend are going to her parents' house for dinner for the first time, so he goes to pick her up on the motorcycle. As she's getting on the bike behind him, she says, "Listen, I have to tell you something. My family's a little strange. You can't talk during dinner. If you talk during dinner, you have to do the dishes. "When they walk into her parents' house, not only in the kitchen, but in the dining room, the living room, on the stairs, the back porch, everywhere, there are piles and piles of dirty dishes. They haven't done the dishes in months. They sit down to eat, and the whole meal, nobody talks. It's the end of the meal, Roger is getting a little horny, and he figures nobody is going to say anything, so he grabs his girlfriend, and pops her right there on the dining room table. Nobody says anything. He's still a little horny, and her mother is kind of cute, so he figures, "What the hell?" He throws her mother up on the table and starts to do her. He's just about done with her, when he looks out the window and sees it's starting to rain on his motorcycle. He reaches into his pocket and takes out the tube of Vaseline. Her father jumps up and says, "All right, all right, I'll do the fucking dishes."

A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?" The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!" "Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."

A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice. The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why. The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, "What's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "Coz he's a midget."

Husband wakes at 5 in the morning feeling really horny. He nudges his wife and says, "Honey give me a blow job." His wife replies, "Sweetheart I'm tired, just have a wank in a glass and I'll drink it later."

What causes earthquakes?

A woman goes into a shop to buy a rod and reel as a gift. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter where there's a shop assistant wearing dark shades. "Excuse me sir" she says "can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" The assistant replies "Ma'am I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's only $20.00". The lady said, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it." He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind big-time. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her...being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. The assistant rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?" "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, but the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."

A man goes into a bar on the Shankill Road in Belfast with his pet crocodile. He asks, "Do you serve Catholics?" The bartender replies, "Yes, we're very open-minded here. What can I get you?" The man replies, "A pint of Guinness and 2 Catholics for the crocodile."

Kenny came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinko drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife, who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?", demanded Kenny, "And what are you doing in my bedroom?" The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter." Kenny was stunned. "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away." St Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Kenny was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. 'This ain't so bad', he thought, until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So, you're the new hen. How are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies Kenny, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode". "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before". "Never" replies Kenny. "Well, just relax and let it happen." And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting, "Kenny, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting the bed!"

One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

A man comes home early from work one day to find his best mate in bed with his wife. Overcome by anger he stabs him to death! The wife, shaking her head, looks at him and says, "Keep that up and pretty soon you'll have no friends left!"

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!! Glasgow cop says," License and registration, please." London Lawyer says, "What for?" Glasgow cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Glasgow cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. Your license and registration, please." London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. Your license and registration, please." London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow cop then takes out his baton and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose-fitting pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and t-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla immediately went crazy. He jumped on the bars and, holding on with one hand and 2 feet, he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously very excited by the pretty lady in the pink dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got extremely excited, now making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her dress straps fall to show a little more skin. She did and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down! "Now, show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips and charging the bars! Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla, slammed the cage door shut and said, "Now, tell him you've got a headache."

Torneyboy also reposted one of my jokes, difference is he reposted it twice! Maybe it's an Aussie thing.