The_Munchmaster

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire, and was burnt very badly, and at the morgue they needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Seamus and Sean were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet, Seamus said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad, roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over and Seamus looked and said, "Nope, thatâ??s not Paddy." The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad, roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over and Sean looked and said, "Nope, thatâ??s not Paddy." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Sean said, "Well he had two arse holes." "What? He had two arse holes?" said the mortician. "Yup, everyone knew he had two arse holes. Every time we went into town, folks would say...."Here comes Paddy with them two arse holes.."

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Scotsman were on a long train journey. As time passed conversation turned, as it always does, to sex. More time passed and they discussed how to turn women on. 'Well' said the Englishman, 'I cover my wife's important little places with honey and lick it off, very, very slowly'. It drives my wife into ecstasy every time. 'Me' said the Frenchman, 'I tickle my wife in those important little places with a feather. It drives her absolutely wild'. 'Well' says the Scotsman, 'I throw my wife on the bed, shag her senseless, whip my cock out and wipe it on the curtains. It drives her fucking mental'.

Englishman: "I've got 10 kids, one more and I'll have a football team." American: "I've got 15 kids, one more and I'll have an American football team." Arab: "I've got 17 wives, one more and I'll have a golf course."

:onfire:

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day. So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly asked the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died. "No problem.", said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home and catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me! Well I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more so in a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly." The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day, and it WAS a crime of passion, so he announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven.", and let him in. A few seconds later the next guy came up. "OK. Here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died." "Sure thing.", the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!" The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy.", he thinks to himself. "Very well.", the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven",and he lets the man enter. A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell me about the day you died.", said the angel. "OK. Picture this.", says the man. "I'm naked inside a refrigerator..."

Wee Hughie was in the garden filling in a hole when his English neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the mad man was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Hughie?" "My goldfish died", replied Wee Hughie tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The English neighbour was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Wee Hughie patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "Aye, that's because he's inside your fucking cat."

An Englishman and a Scotsman are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Scotsman goes to the boot of his car and fetches a 12 year old bottle of single malt whisky. He hands the bottle to the Englishman, who exclaims, "May the Scots and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony." The Englishman then tips the bottle and gulps down half the whisky. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he hands the bottle back to the Scotsman, but the Scotsman doesn't drink any. "Are you not going to have a drink with me" says the Englishman. "No thanks", replies the Scotsman, "I'll just wait till the Police get here."

Two antennae met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

In a gay sort of way. :smirk:

Yeah, a small cox probably would make your day TB.

I thought it was shite!

Actually my big toes do look a bit mangled due to severe ingrowing toenails.

Possibly the worst joke I have ever heard. :thumbdown: :onfire:

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly in my all weather gear, made my lunch, locked up the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load my golf bag into the car, and proceeded to back out into a oriental downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 kph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' She sleepily replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out playing golf in that?'

What's Wyatt Earp got to do with my joke?

A cowboy was sitting in a saloon one Saturday night when he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar, who in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him about his ambition to be great gunfighter. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked. The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "Sure will," replied the old-timer. The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?" "Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man. "You bet it will," said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?" The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "No," said the old-timer, "but it won't hurt as much when Billy the Kid gets done playing the piano and shoves that gun up your ass".

A young woman, who had been taking golf lessons, had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain. Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?" "I was stung by a bee", she said. "Where", he asked. "Between the first and second hole", she replied. He nodded knowingly and said, "I think your stance is probably too wide."

A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep, it was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating". Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate." Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him. Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

I've posted this somewhere before but it's a beauty worth repeating. A bloke's wife goes missing while holidaying on the Australian coast while they were diving. He reports it to the police & spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but some good news and maybe some really good news." "Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad new first." The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead." The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. After a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her wetsuit, so we've brought you your share." He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it. "Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... Now, what's the really good news?" "Well," the Sarge says, "Me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!....you fancy comin' with us?"

Two 70 year old men, Nev and Vic, have been friends all their lives. Vic is dying, so Nev comes to visit him every day. "Vic," says Nev, "You know how we have both loved cricket all our lives, and how we played together for so many years. Vic, you have to do me one favour. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's cricket in Heaven." Vic looks up at Nev from his death bed, and says, "Nev, you've been my best friend many years. If it is at all possible, I'll try to let you know." Shortly after that, Vic passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later. Nev is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of white light. A voice calls out to him, "Nev....Nev...." "Who is it?" says Nev sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Nev, it's me, Vic." "Come on. You're not Vic. Vic just died." "I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Vic!" "Vic? Is that you? Where are you?" "I'm in heaven," says Vic, "and I've got to tell you, I've got some really good news and some really bad news." "So, tell me the good news first," says Nev. "The good news is that there is cricket in Heaven. Better yet, all our old chums who've gone before us are here too. And better still, we're all young men again. Even better, it's always springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play cricket all we want and we never get tired!" "Really?" says Nev, "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest dreams! But, what's the bad news?" "The bad news is you're opening bat next Tuesday"

Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

Guts and Balls - The Medical Distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below. GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?" BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say, "You're next!" Hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference, since both ultimately result in death.

The new head of the American Congressional Defence Committee was asked whether he knew the difference between Sunni and Shia. He replied â??Iâ??m not sure which one's which, but I remember they had a great hit with 'I've Got You Babe'."

Excellent.